* Posts by Elmer Phud

4272 posts • joined 3 Mar 2008

UK ministers' Broadband '2.0' report confuses superfast with 10Mbps

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Wii lthe real Grant Shapps please stand up, please stand up

Not one known for anything other than desperate clean-up operations and a half-hearted whine at Tesco for moving from his patch --this preening fool was given a simple job and once again displays his complete and utter lack of knowledge about anything

10
0

Moneysupermarket fined £80,000 for spamming seven million customers

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

The adverts are shite, too.

Looking at the list of characters on Wiki we find this gem:

"Fisto is an extra-strong warrior with an enlarged metal right hand."

yes, well, as long as Lubo turns up as well then we'll be fine.

9
1

Authorities go hard on coffee maker for stiff Viagra-powered brew

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

drooping sales?

re-badged 'willy-med' to meet demands for coffee

it's just the marketing

(it's like calling redbush 'tea' ffs!)

0
0

Security robot falls into pond after failing to spot stairs or water

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

A picture tells . . .

. . . a story of a bloke in white wellies (not really a medical job this) and another with a control box.

But all around are pissing themselves laughing at yet another managerial 'wonder-decision'.

11
0

2017: The FBI alerts parents to dangers of Internet of Sh*t toys

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Re: Now if only most parents actually knew what most of those words mean

SBUR

Such bollocks, unfortunately read.

1
0

Radiohead hides ZX Spectrum proggie in OK Computer re-release

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Flashing screen, crap everywhere ---

--bollocks, reload, again!

2
0

Virgin Media biz service goes TITSUP* across London

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Is it because they is contractors?

2
0
Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Re: Won't be the last...

Fibre or fat cable -- both tend to have similar effects when faced with a JCB driver on Red Bull and a tight price.

6
0

Fresh cotton underpants fix series of mysterious mainframe crashes

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Static Shuffle

Oh, the fun while on a hell-desk with polywotsit carpet.

Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle - towards a colleague who is on call to a customer.

Finger to tip of other ear from earpiece, prizes only awarded for them not flinching, swearing etc.

14
0

NHS WannaCrypt postmortem: Outbreak blamed on lack of accountability

Elmer Phud
Silver badge
Unhappy

Rules is rules

while the frontline staff have to account for every single item used and often have nowhere to put new cases, accountability elsewhere up the food chain seems lacking.

Homeopathic Health Minister leads to homeopathic management - all eyes on the minutest detail but ignore the wider picture

0
0

'Bio-hacker' embeds public transport ticket under his skin

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Repairs?

My card has just lost its ability to 'touch and go'.

I need to replace it.

at least I won't need a scalpel

2
0

The 'DUP' joins El Reg’s illustrious online standards converter

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Welll . . .

. . I'll be buggered!

2
0

UK's Ministry of Fun considers what to tell social media firms about online bullying

Elmer Phud
Silver badge
WTF?

Well, bully for them

Is this the same HM.Gov that has just put on the gimp suit for the Paisley Party?

4
0

Researchers blind autonomous cars by tricking LIDAR

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Drive-by booting

As one who has managed this while negotiating London's traffic on a bicycle, it takes a lot of internal processing to judge the correct lean angle that counters the reaction from the kick (best aimed at thin panels).

A motorcycling mate has a denim jacket with Kevlar inserts and stiffening - he just clotheslines the mirrors instead.

0
1
Elmer Phud
Silver badge
Pirate

It's Party Time!!!

The Spoofing method could be much cheaper by use of readily available 'glitter cannons' it seems to me.

(Not, of course, that I would in any way advocate such actions being undertaken.)

1
1

Has riddle of the 1977 'Wow!' signal finally been cracked? Maybe...

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Roll up, roll up

Laydeez an gennelmen,

We bring you one shit-load of conspiracy theories, 'space tech cover up', 'Illuminati keeps us dumb' etc, etc. as those who look towards the stars for salvation have yet another route closed.

I guess it's back to the 'dolphin speakers' and 'alien contactors' to get back to work (there's a flock to be fleeced).

8
0

I fought Ohm's Law and the law won: Drone crash takes out power to Silicon Valley homes

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Is it really . . .

. . . that easy to take out so many Tesla chargers?

Hmm, urban pranking goes large.

3
0

Windows 10 Creators Update preview: Lovin' for Edge and pen users, nowt much else

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Re: Fall Creators Update

I'm quite happy with the 'broken abortion' (how quaint), especially as I never used 7.

I hear moans and whines but never any detail, not that it would bother me.

It doesn't matter in M$ came out with a flawless, faultless O/S there would be a huge queue of people ready to diss it as it doesn't exactly fit like an old pair of slippers . Yeah ,like you buy a new car that is exactly the same as the old one?

17
34

DUP site crashes after UK general election

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

to coin a phrase

They are Orangemen.

They all look the same to me.

4
0

White-box webcam scatters vulnerabilities through multiple OEMs

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

IoT misnamed?

Shirley by now it should be 'I own Twats' as the number of wide -pen devices seems to multiply rather than diminish.

2
0

UK PM May's response to London terror attack: Time to 'regulate' internet companies

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

The Grate Dicktater

So, because 'we haven't a clue' the answer is to 'lock it all down'.

Maysolini strikes again.

7
0

Walmart workers invited to shuttle packages

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

SlaveMart

I expect Walmart to sack anyone who refuses to do drops.

As it's 'on the way home' do the workers expect to be paid for this?

14
0
Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Re: Nope, nothing to see here

Uber are mere babes compared to Walmart's expertise in screwing employees.

just thinking 'Union' at Walmart will have you trailed 24/7.

ASDA staff are to be issued with new fully insulated jackets so they deliver chilled goods, too.

16
0

Utah fights man's attempt to marry laptop

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Laptop dancing

I have a couple of old lappies here, they may have met this man already as they are well fucked.

5
0
Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Re: It takes two to tango

O.K. Google . . .

0
0
Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Try a 10 inch floppy.

We had much bigger ones in the old days.

13
0

Elon to dump Trump over climate bump

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Hmm,

It's almost as if the Donald has got his deniers out already.

4
1

WannaLaugh? Funsters port WannaCrypt to Commodore, Cisco, Nintendo and Tesla

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Re: Cisco Phone

Bloody anaoraknaphiles.

13
0

British prime minister slams Facebook and pals for votes

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Are we forgtting something?

Other than the fact that May would shit on a kitten if she thought there was a vote in it, it seems that it's fine for right-wing groups to re-post old videos of stoning, whipping and beheading, while also gleefully posting pics of overflowing and sinking lifeboats with comments such as 'never teach a Muslim to swim', 'one less potential terrorist', 'shoot the fuckers while they are in the water' etc. etc, while also claiming to be 'compassionate Christians'.

We are not buying this shit. from KKKippers, biffers etc.

19
4

Blighty bloke: PC World lost my Mac Mini – and trolled my blog!

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Re: Why oh why

Cables PW Wonk

"Have you got a HD to DVA cable?"

'Certainly' (sounded like 'what?!)

eventually finds one -- Look at price

'fourteen quid?. Your firm's taking the piss, mate''

CPC £1.50 (or was it cheaper?)

4
1

16 terabytes of RAM should be enough for anyone. Wait. What?

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Re: Just imagine

That's a lot of real estate in Speccy 16k RAM packs

2
0

Volvo is letting Android 'take over underlying car software' – report

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Grinder

"Like the driver on your left? Just side-swipe to let them know"

17
0

Lib Dems pledge to end 'Orwellian' snooping powers in manifesto

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

The stable is empty

The smell of rotting flogged horse is strong.

Turkeys seem to like the xmas trimmings and glitter but forget the true meaning of dinner.

7
2
Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Further back

Oh, much further than that.

Much, much further.

9
0

Have a go with this WW2 German Lorenz cipher machine – in your browser

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Timely

I just happen to be reading Neal Stephenson's 'Cryptonomicon' at the moment.

This fits in rather nicely

6
0

Trump signs executive order on cybersecurity, White House now runs the show

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

So . . .

The tiny hand wrecks the cradle.

7
1

Try not to scream: Ads are coming to Amazon's Alexa – and VR goggles

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Re: NO!

Now, now.

Where the hell is the 'high-tech' in basically an answerphone connected to a server and appearing to be far, far more intelligent than it really is -- just another 'speech to - - -' device.

BUT give it a female name, a female voice and the stupid humans anthropomorphise like mad.

Then they give it attributes it has never had.

Mugs!

2
0
Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Re: Why Do They Persist....

You ain't that special . . .

0
0
Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Re: Pass

I am awaiting the complaints.

When one installs a device from a company that loves trackers etc. spams inboxes etc. does one expect a halcyon existence without 'recommendations'?

'Recommendations' that can only increase with the building of a user or family profile.

2
0

Fake ruse: USA Today calls the FBI after half of its 15m Facebook Likes turn out to be bogus

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Why is this the fault of FB?

Odd that so many seem to say it' all down to FB.

I wonder how many people who are Reg readers also have dozens of sock puppets, chuckaway email accounts, etc.etc. but it's fine for them to use them?

anyway that 's a lot of pairs of sunglasses

1
10

Facebook is abusive. It's time to divorce it

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Really?

"But only because we were yet to understand that everything we entered was recorded by Facebook, all of it analysed, all of it compared against everyone else sharing all of their personal trivialities."

Izzat so?

No we didn't we thought 'It's free, therefore there's a catch to it' and we looked at the T&C's.

We understood with the structure of 'free' games that it it was a data gatherer that sold data for others to work at.

We didn't think 'Oooh, look what the kind fairies have brought us''.

5
3

Windows 10 S forces Bing, Edge on your kids. If you don't like it, get Win10 Pro – Microsoft

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Cheapskates

so many comments - but forty quid isn't much.

Certainly one table full of drinks, not a complete meal for one, 80 cigs, two knee-tremblers etc.

Ad with a push in September for the student market this might be the chance of getting a touch-screen lappy with W10 pro for a decent discount.

5
9

UK.gov throws hissy fit after Twitter chokes off snoop firm's access

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Aaaaaaand what would replace it, oh worthy overlord?

FB Live?

2
1
Elmer Phud
Silver badge

python and witches

yeah but, no but, yeah but - I cannot see any of our current coven actually owning up that they have screwed up big time or know completely bugger all.

No 'It's a fair cop' from this lot.

3
1
Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Re: depressing...

'Terrorists' are even much, much better at wielding a mouse than Rudd.

3
0
Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Re: Not to put too fine a point on it...

Shirley it was that global expert on cheese and pork - Liz Truss, our Minister for 'Social Justice (oh, oxymorons abound)

7
0

Ewe, get a womb! Docs grow baby lambs in shrink-wrap plastic bags

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

good idea

One of my girls was very premature via emergency caesarian.

The fears were that she wouldn't get the final 'booster shot' via the placenta that is vital for early development.

She had medication (while in the womb) to try and advance lung development and other last minute tweaks - she managed to breathe OK, early oxygen was a concern as it can bugger up sight development, various issues had to be dealt with as some hormones etc.did not get delivered by the time she had to come out.

The idea of keeping development contained to allow better maturity before birth is a great idea -- if nothing else it will save huge amounts of money and resources currently needed in fire-fighting for the first few months.

40
0

While Facebook reinvents Sadville, we still dream of flying cars

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

And . . .

If it only has flying rainbow cats and no flying penises -- -what's the point of it?

8
0
Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Transvision Vamps?

How come all the talking heads often appear to have fangs?

Is this the final verification for the anti-Zuck fans who constantly whine on about 'global domination'?

2
1

Gov wants to make the UK the 'safest place in the world to go online'

Elmer Phud
Silver badge

Re: Cynics unite

My kids had no restrictions to their access.

they were taught the basics 'if it looks too good to be true - it ain't', 'if you don't like it, leave the page - if it's really bad let me know, (no judgements)', 'trolls are easy to spot' etc.

One was on on Habbo Hotel (oh, these fools have no idea how it was back then) and said that someone she'd not met or chatted to before was busy being chatty and asking her to 'download a cool game'.

I explained to her what was going on and that I wanted to to some screen grabs as proof so she threw out a shiny lure and started reeling him in by asking innocent questions about the 'game'.

Eventually he twigged and she let him know that we'd got info on his user name and several screen shots which we were sending to Admin.

Dunno if it did anything other than make him change his underwear but as an educational tool it was priceless.

9
0

Forums

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2017