* Posts by John Edwards

54 posts • joined 24 Jan 2008

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Jack Vance: Science fiction’s master of magic, mischief and sex

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

vance

Ok, I'll admit I'm a fan. Vance is up there with Shakespear. But bring your intelligence. If you think Britain's Got Talent is the pinnacle of human endeavour, fuddgeddit. For sheer invention Vance has it. His last book Lurulu, written when he was nearly dead is as excellent as the earlier ones. Paris. Because I always work her in, and because she might not appreciate JV to the full.

Paedophiles ‘disguise’ child abuse pages as legit websites

John Edwards

I googled for something arcane that was article of commerce and about half the hits were for homosexual paedophile sites. There was no hint of slease in what I was looking for, no double entendre.The local nick gave me the email addy to report it to, I did, and that was that. Easy.

John Edwards.

Flag-waving Lego Canuck soars to 80,000ft

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

More Thrust for Lohan

Come on El Reg, this is your chance to trounce MIT. To hell with the beer budget, buy some extra rocket motors and send Lohan on a multi stage lift. You know she's worth it. Her PR flacks might even have her light the blue touch paper for the publicity it would bring. It wouldn't do the Reg any harm either.

John Edwards

PS. The icon is Lindsay Lohan isn't it?

Anonymous shuts down hidden child abuse hub

John Edwards

When I googled for an obscure but entirely innocent technical product about half the hits seemed to relate to paedophilia. The local police gave me the URL of the body who investigate such instances and I emailed the details to them. Job done.

MacBook case fabs kick up a right stink

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

I think that El Reg is wonderful. But then I think so is she.

Judge cracks down on Bayesian stats dodginess in court

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Always remember that the average man has less than two legs. Paris because...just because.

LOHAN eyes hardcore partner's impressive girth

John Edwards

vacuum pump

I've got a mains voltage quarter horse motor driven vacuum pump. Yours for £50 cash collected from Hitchin.

Er, that's all.

IT admin cops to crippling ex-employer's network

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

The real reason Cornish was fired.

Well done the cops for spotting Cornish's credit card use but what an idiot he is. No doubt that it was his general idiocy that got him fired.

Paris because she is much smarter and because she hasn't been around much lately.

Dell's faulty PC legal woes worsen (again)

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

AC. So you chucked them out.

It is not reasonable to expect a defective computer to be kept. Proof of purchase and then proof of purchase of a different computer of comparable performance shortly afterwards should be enough. So why not join the class action you might get something? Paris because this was her idea.

Fridge-sized war raygun for US bombers gets $40m

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

KISS

The trouble with super duper weapons is that they are seldom able to resist the soldier armed with a pointed stick. Our lack of success in the two and a half kinetic police actions we are presently conducting demonstrates this. So just scatter the home runway with caltrops, blow the aircraft's tyres, and watch it self destruct as it goes off the end of the runway. The only good thing about the airborne laser is the cooling system. With careful design this could echo the Vickers medium machine gun which was water cooled. In the stress of acton the water would boil and the crew could enjoy a refreshing cup of tea.

Paris because...just because.

Facebook's mega-billion-dollar bubble ... will it float?

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Economics 101

First off money is wasted by bad investments. The people who worked for stupidandoomed.com had their efforts wasted. A bit like NHS computing.

Second. Markets are price discovery mechanisms which reward good decisions and punish bad ones. They automatically weed out the bad judges of value as they lose their money and give heavy weighting to good judges as they now have the bad judge's capital with which to vote.

Third. The secret of investing well is to ask; What and where is the underlying value? So don't assume FB is worth more than Tesco. It ain't.

Paris because all her films sell briskly. She's a lot smarter than some people think.

Boy George plonks tech centre onto Silicon Roundabout

John Edwards
Grenade

Huh?

If the new administration is so plugged in how come I had to spend an age on the phone to the census people. Apart from the fact that it took them a long time to answer it, that is. No, they didn't have a public email address. Grenade for obvious reasons.

Australians can’t read or count

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Never Forget

The average Australian has less than two legs.

Paris has perfect legs.

Council loses USB of patient records

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Monkeys

Sack the monkey responsible. This will educate the staff quicker than anything else.

Paris because she wouldn't do anthing as dumb as this. Oh, and because we haven't seen much of her lately.

Patent judge hits out at legal tactics used against file-sharers

John Edwards
Grenade

Dealing with Lawyers

I have found that sending the following, immediately by first class post, usually does the trick:-

Sir,

Your letter dated XXXX is to hand this day. I have noted its contents.

Yours faithfully,

This is lawyer speak "for go fuck yourself."

Sainsbury's techie jailed for loyalty card scam

John Edwards
WTF?

How?

I don't know how Nectar points work. How much did this guy supposedly spend to get £80,000 worth of points? Spread over how many accounts? Anyone?

Mass mind control artist condemns El Reg to obscurity

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton

You scribblers at El Reg are probably so dumb that you don't even know that Al Gore invented the internet. Wikileaks on Amazon servers? Just a lucky guess. Why Paris? 'Cos she's smart.

Inventor only entitled to share of employer's actual patent earnings

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Oh Yeah?

Unilever aren't dumb. Certainly they aren't dumb enough to collect £23M on something really worth £1Bn. Also, I don't see why the inventor has an equitable claim. Unilever paid him a salary, didn't they? On the rare occasions when I did well on a deal the other party always wanted to share my good fortune. I used to tell them that they were welcome if they also shared my losses. They never wanted to.

Paris came to mind when I wrote the first two sentences. Must have been the enormous sums of money that I mentioned.

Erotica 2010: One big Teese, and a bit of a flop

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

What else?

Lay off my favourite lady you pervy Registrants. (That might have been better expressed, but you know what I mean). She only does it for real.

Vulture 1 rolls out of fab bunker

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Well done

Paris will be pleased that her minions have done so well in spite of not having her advantages. Eat your heart out Richard Branson.

Who else?

Jailbreak hole in iOS 4.1 will be hard to close

John Edwards

Why The Fuss?

For my part Mr Jobs can impose what conditions he likes on the people who buy his shiny new phone, not least that they have to hold it in the approved Jobbsian manner before it will work. I too have conditions like leaving my credit card in my pocket when something is too much money for not enough utility which is why I just spent £14.20 on a new phone in the Vodaphone shop. No hacking skills needed. Hold it how you like. It just works.

DARPA orders VTOL robots for 'covert payload placement'

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

HexaKopter Rules

Go to:-

http://mikrokopter.de/ucwiki/VideoAbspielen?id=188

To see this done properly by a guy working in his garden shed. DARPA spends nearly as much on dubious purchaes as?

BOFH: Lies and the lying liars who lie about them

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

You bastard!

I've just wasted two hours by googling "farmer sutra", and now I think that I'm going blind. SHE never did that to me.

Ex-MI6 officer admits attempt to sell secrets

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Deeply Dumb

Me? I would have gone out in a laundry basket. The spooks would never prosecute if they had lost the money.

Paris because she's much smarter than that.

Beware of cold call scammers pushing rogue antivirus

John Edwards
Pirate

Go stick your head in a pig...

...is what I tell cold callers. If they become indignant, I go on to say that lacking any vetinary qualification I am unable to give advice on which end of the pig they should use. If that doesn't get rid of them I become really offensive. Because of the notoriously delicate constitution of the average Reg hack I cannot possibly go into details. Even the BOFH would be impressed.

Hacker charged with threatening US VP using neighbour's PC

John Edwards
Thumb Up

Good for the Feds

Well done for the Feds not just saying "It's your computer, case closed".

Search begins on seized Gizmodo journo kit

John Edwards

KISS

I'd hand it in at the local nick, (some sort of computer thingy). If it was unclaimed after 90 days, in the UK it would be mine. Or I'd just chuck it in the bin and deny all knowledge. Or, stick it behind the bar but decline to part with it without proof that the claimant was the rightful owner. Or 'phone Apple's published number and get a call number from the hell desk Do that and never hear any more about it. Or, dick around with it myself and write an article about it for PC World's house magazine while waiting for Apple to come and collect it. Even then I would make the claimant pay for a registered letter as I would be sending it to Apple's head office. Can't be too careful.

BOFH, grow some pimples, I need an assistant.

John Edwards

Bloke threatens BT with giant plywood cheque

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

This will start something

A great way to get rid of an old car.

Paris because she is smarter than BT.http://www.theregister.co.uk/Design/graphics/icons/comment/paris_hilton_32.png

El Reg's LHC visit - Deleted Scenes

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

A stray bird

So how the hell did a stray bird get into the LHC to drop a bit of stale bread?

Paris 'cos she could get in anywhere

Brit space agency to probe 'crackpot' antigravity device

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Why not...

...use the thing as a pendulum bob. Turn it on, the pendulum hangs at a different angle, it works. Or not.

Heating effect? Put it in a vacuum chamber.

Paris, because this was her idea.

MoD 'How to stop leaks' guide leaks

John Edwards
FAIL

How to stop leaks no. 2

Don't leave your laptop in a parked car.

Oz woman demands chihuahua at gunpoint

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Woof

Paris Hilton is always available

Retro piracy - Should the Royal Navy kick arse?

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Pirate Deterrence. Cheap and Easy

One four inch shell on the waterline somewhere near the middle of the mothership, will do the needful before the warship sails away. As a refinement the speedboats could also be sunk. Any further annoyance could be met by bombarding the port where the pirates live. The Royal Navy stopped the Bey of Algeirs from sending slave taking parties to Southern Europe by this uncomplicated method.

As an ex. serviceman I object to Marines being sent into danger just to be nice to savages. It ain't necessary.

Paris from sheer habit.

Home Secretary rejects McKinnon anti-extradition plea

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Pentagon Security

McKinnon has done the people of the USA a considerable service by demonstrating the poor quality of Pentagon computer security. The responsible generals are naturally hopping mad. If a single individual, who is so inept that he cannot disguise his identity, can run riot through the Pentagon's computer network, just imagine what a potentially hostile government could do. Apart from not getting caught, that is. Now the poor beggar will get 20 to life when a $5.00 fine would be punishment enough.

Paris because she could do me a considerable service. Not necessarily involving computers.

BT's third Phorm trial starts tomorrow

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Phorm

Please will one of the BOFH who read El Reg devise some way to screw BT. So help me, I'm on Virgin Broadband and would love to swamp Phorm with searches for donkey sex or whatever would best foul up this despicable trial.

Police quiz BT on secret Phorm trials

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

John Deed?

Never mind Judge John Deed. Were is Judge Dredd when we need him?

Paris 'cos she knows all about privacy

Now Hollywood is chasing UK downloaders

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Lawyerspeak for "fuck off"

First reply:_

Sir,

Your communication dated xxxx is to hand this day and its contents noted.

Yours truly,

Second reply:-

Sir,

I draw your attention to my letter of xxxx.

Yours truly,

Paris because, oh, you know why.

Security researchers' accounts ransacked in embarrasing hacklash

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

A perfect random number generator

When professional card players play each other they shuffle the cards by spreading them face down on a table and stir them about. as it is possible to cheat using other shuffles. So, buy a pack of cards, write the available characters on them, stir, stack, read 'em, (don't weep), and there is your password.

Not very technological but BOFH and PFY approved for their own use. Paris, because she told me about this.

John Edwards

The war on photographers - you're all al Qaeda suspects now

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

The last time we stuffed the Nazis

The last time we stuffed the Nazis I was five years old and didn't play a very active part. I'm not five any more. If some over officious monkey in a blue uniform tries to stop me behaving perfectly legally manner he will discover that this will lead to a whole world of hurt. I'm not British, a classification that includes Somali rapists. I'm an Englishman, and I pay your wages, officer. By the time I have exhausted the official proceedure you will still be on the street, but you will have a broom in your hand, and will be doing something that will benefit the community, assuming careful training and adult supervision.

Paris, of course, because she is far more competent than many officials. Except the silent majority of thoroughly decent police who I support wholeheartedly.

Pentagon hacker vows to take extradition fight to Europe

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

He's done the US a favour

If a script kiddie can crack the Pentagon's security from his bedroom in Crouch End he has done them a favour by showing themhow crap their security is. If he is to be punished for damaging the military he should be sent to Russia or China as they are now finding it harder to to hack the Pentagon themselves.

He should not be handed over to a bunch of vindictive numbnuts who have been shown to be the fools that they are.

Paris because she could do much better.

Pluto awarded celestial consolation prize

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Important

Nobody has mentioned HER yet

'Untraceable' phone fraudsters eye your credit card

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

How to hurt telephone scammers.

I always deny that I am John Edwards and offer to call him in from the garden. The caller the hears me shout, "you have a call." At one minute intervals I apologise for the delay and let the caller hear further shouts of "hurry up". I once kept one of these monkeys on the phone for ten minutes.

Paris, because I wouldn't keep her waiting even if I were in the garden.

Economist: girls actually better than boys at maths

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Everybody knows

Girls are no good at maths because their brains overheat too easily.

Paris, whose brain has never overheated, and because she needs more publicity

Mag-lev flywheel UPS firm says shipments speeding up

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Maglev UPS

Just imagine what the BOFH could do with one of these. Especially now that the PFY has zapped him. Roll on next Friday. Even Paris would see the danger.

Home Office defends 'dangerously misleading' Phorm thumbs-up

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Florence Stansfield

Flo,

Your Mun is a BT shareholder. She has the right to appoint another to represent her at the AGM. Just have her sign the proxy card. GO FLO, give 'em hell.

Oh, and I'd review your Mother's share portfolio.

Paris 'cos she is smarter than the BT board

BT's 'illegal' 2007 Phorm trial profiled tens of thousands

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

BT and Phorm

Either BT carried out a criminal act or they did not. If they did, I require the CPS whose wages I pay to prosecute them. If the issue is in doubt then let us have a court determine this. As Vince Cable famously remarked; "The Prime Minister has gone from Stalin to Mr Bean in a fortnight", but even Mr Bean must be able to see this is an important issue which would be relatively easy to clarify.

Paris, of course, because this is perfectly clear to her.

BT admits misleading customers over Phorm experiments

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Why not rob BT

I suggest a wages clerk at BT walks off with as much cash as he can lay his hands on. When questioned he merely has to reply that it was a very small sum of money in comparison with BT's total wage bill and that he carefully destroyed the payslips.

Paris because she would see the logic of this.

Richard Gere not obscene, rules Indian court

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Paris yet again

I wonder what would happen if SHE visited India. Paris obviously.

CPW builds wall between customers and Phorm

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

Might be useful if there is a lawsuit

4.3.08

Sir,

I forbid the collection of data concerning the use of my computer and its connections for any purpose whatever beyond that which is necessary for billing or monitoring for technical faults.

In particular I expressly forbid for passing any of my information to Phorm, (or any like organisation), for any purpose whatever.

This letter may be taken to over-ride any past or future conditions in your End User License Agreement.

Yours faithfully,

Paris because she has more sense than my ISP

Phorm launches data pimping fight back

John Edwards
Paris Hilton

I don't trust Phorm. Why should I?

I pay my ISP. If they want to sell MY data they can contact me to try to work out a deal. However the picture is a giveaway. It is obviously the evil Catbert who is controlling Kent Ertergrul.

Paris whose ideas are much more sensible than Phorm's.

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