* Posts by xyz

569 posts • joined 7 Dec 2007


What made a super high-tech home in Victorian England? Hydroelectric witchery, for starters



Getting ready for brexit so early!

Thanks to UK peers, coming to a laptop near you in 2019: Age checks for online smut


Re: Inevitably

>I wonder if women are the larger audience for mainstream gay relationship films eg Brokeback Mountain

.... never having seen the film (bloke), I understand that 2 blokes who haven't washed, changed underwear or used bog paper for months suddenly decide to stick their ***** up each other's ***** ( in a caring and nurturing way obviously)....Can't see that appealing to women unless to comment on how much the place needed a good polishing (not French).

No, you haven't gone deaf – the Large Hadron Collider has been wound down for more upgrades



I blame it for both Trump and Brexit. After the next upgrade, I presume red faced, winged devil monkey flocks will be the accepted reality.

Visual Studio 2017 15.9 is here! Fire up your Windows on Arm laptops. All four of you


Xamarin.Android build performance improvement

Thank god for that... 6GB memory use and compiling like it's 1999. However, I'm still at the therapist recovering from trying to get VS2017's many and varied Xamarin related avenues to work together without installing "the kitchen sink" so I might hold off updating for a bit, if I actually get a choice to hold off updating for a bit that is. I don't know why MS gives you Xamarin install options when the only install option that seems to work is the "the fucking lot". Anyhoo, must face my fear and click that update link at some point I suppose.

Has science gone too far? Now boffins dream of shining gigantic laser pointer into space to get aliens' attention


I thought it was illegal...

...to shine a laser at people and pilots etc. I should imagine cosmic plod will hove into view sharpish and cuff the crims (i.e. us)

Microsoft yanks the document-destroying Windows 10 October 2018 Update


Can they stop all the other updates too


I am (was) trying to develop, vs 2017 on win 10 (in the woods) and I seemed to spend half my dev time waiting for shit to update as whatever daily "optimisation" chomped through my mobile's bandwidth allowance. I mean over 500mb an hour, wtf is MS installing and who the hell DOESN'T have a metered connection outside of CorpWorld. I won't even mention all the other stuff that wants to update itself with the same enthusiasm.

I got so fed up of this, I went back to my old laptop....win 7, vs 2012 and SSMS to do the database and web services, so I've missed this update FAIL....yay! Then once a week, I go to the bar and and watch my win10 laptop melt their WiFi whilst I have a cold beer or 10.

Can someone please point out to MS that not everyone has fibre cable the diameter of a sewer pipe nor the cash to pay to have their OS renew itself daily.


Euro bureaucrats tie up .eu in red tape to stop Brexit Brits snatching back their web domains


Flame on peeps...

Must have missed the "El Reg now a division of the Daily Bile" memo.

Anyway yes there are too many civil servants in the EU and they produce a tonne of shite but as you lot have decided to flounce off the pitch it's not your problem anymore is it. You bunch of net curtain twitchers.

All that dust on Mars is coming from one weird giant alien structure


isn't this the plot from....

Mission to Mars where they fire a radar at some mountain, mountain goes apeshit, dust flies everywhere and a giant alien face is exposed

Spidey sense is literally tingling! Arachnids detect Earth's electric field, use it to fly away


do a Google for....

lifter. there used to be a Web site called American antigravity back at the turn of the century that created lifters. Similar principle. There will be some videos on YouTube. Short answer is not a lot.

Gov.UK to make its lovely HTML exportable as parlous PDFs


The way government works is this....

Oxbridge types (of the blue sky persuasion) do not use computers; they want a hard copy (emails, info etc) from their "girls" and still give dictation.

SPADs and other assorted climber-upers only believe in something if it's in Excel.

Managers tell their "girls" to type stuff into Word, save as pdf and slap it on their intranet page.

Only "girls" (and other data entry types) use "working class" html.

You can bet that behind this "necessity" is some crusty who wants his "girl" to send him an email with a pdf attachment so he can print it off.

To give you an idea of the arseness available... one top dog was on hols in France and was viewing a 320 page document on the UN web site, he wanted a copy so he phoned his "girl" in London and told her to print it off and fax it to him. I am not joking.

IT systems still in limbo as UK.gov departments await Brexit policy – MPs


I know....

they buy the eu's systems, change the screen colour to brexit blue!

I'm just gagging to use the brexit gps system...when you get on the ferry at Dover all it keeps repeating is "THAR BE FOREIGNERS!"

Particle boffins calculate new constraints for probability of finding dark matter



the 1800s had aether.

the 1980s gave us the dark stuff.

now we've got loop quantum gravity as the groovy name

same shit, different fashion statement.

BA CEO blames messaging and networks for grounding


how about...

the grandfather clock syncing their stuff reset itself to 1971

Kill Google AMP before it kills the web


Re: Oh, meant to say - the Reg site is really slow on mobile

doing my mobile bit.... binned Chrome installed Opera Mini, binned Google search, started using DuckDuckGo and lo...instead of bashing the bishop at 1GB+ a month, I'm cruising at about 117MB a month.... and pages actually load without having to make a coffee each time I click on something. Google is EVIL!

Brexit White Paper published: Broad strokes, light on detail


A BRexit human shield writes...

As someone who is about to be pressganged as negotiating fodder in the upcoming May's "Great British Fuck Off" vs EU bloody foreigners grudge match (I live in Spain), I'm going to stick my oar in here.

What May's mayhem brigade write or say is irrelevant from their viewpoint and is done only to cover what the history books write. The keypoint is that whatever is agreed is of no consequence because what the Tories want is this damp and wet Singapore scenario.

This will all end in tears because the EU is run by about a billion civil servants who do jack until all the paperwork is in order. Drives you nuts, but taking a step back from them will only increase the paperwork and cost.

The other key point no one seems to realise is that even with zero tarrifs, there is a hell of a difference between selling widgets to the EU and Merc (for example) selling a luxury brand to the UK. Businesses need to buy at a price point, consumers want to buy come whatever. This leaves Perkins Widgets of Scunthorpe up shit creek whereas Merc will just carry on as normal.

Also no one buys anything in the EU (business or consumers) unless it is stamped, has the correct documentation and legal approvals (administred by the billion civil servants). It's a nightmare, but it's the only game in town if you want to deal here.

To give you an idea of the difference, why do you think all those African blokes were camped at Calais and trying to get into the "UK?" Well, it wasn't for the good food and welcomming neighbours, it was because you can't even join a gym in the EU without your identity number and without the correct paperwork you cannot rent someplace, buy a car, in fact pretty much anything except buy food.

This is what May's madmen are about to put you through, all to appeal to the readers of the Daily Zennerfoab, dribbling in their soup, whilst holding tight their walking sticks incase there are any loose Romanians in the vicinity.

rant over

Pip pip!

UK.gov tells freelance techies to slap 20 per cent on fees as IR35 tax hike looms


I suppose...

Once Mad May has turned the UK into a corporation tax haven to smite the EU and attact foreign companies, you just set up an Irish company, rent an office in your house and tell HMRC to swivel. Can't be that easy surely? Mind you I gave up the whole IT thing a couple of years ago when a certain gov dept tried to make me "volunteer" extra tax payments to which my response was to tell them to "do one" so I probably know nothing.

'Toyota dealer stole my wife's saucy snaps from phone, emailed them to a swingers website'


Or is this a new take on the old....

"I was hoovering naked when I slipped and..." excuse, Honest gov, we didn't put pics on a swingers'site, it was the car salesman.

Quantum traffic jam of atoms could unlock origin of dark energy, physicists claim


did a similar experiment years ago

"Traffic jammed" electrons....you get some "weird shit" results which I'm still trying to work out. Hint: look for a mach cone. Not being smut, just sayin'

Microsoft: We're hugging trees to save the 'world'


Hold up....

...is that green rug in the picture, Microsoft's engineers' idea of a tree? We're doomed.

EU will force telcos to offer 90 days of 'roam like home' contracts


Bugger...I've been found out

Been using my three "feel at home" contract in Spain for about 20 months now and bloody useful it is too. Hey ho, now I'll have to use my Spanish pay as you go pos. Odd thing is that the eu stated that it's illegal for UK car insurers to use the same conditions with car insurance contracts and that they must provide 365 day eu cover as part of the contract.

UK watchdog: You. Facebook. Get over here now. This WhatsApp privacy update. Explain


Looking forward...

...To the husband of whose wife I'm"seeing" getting in touch as Facebook will determine we have similar interests. Oh and all my exgirlfriends suddenly becoming best mates. the joys of connectivity!

We're going to bring an asteroid fragment into Lunar orbit


If I remember correctly....

.... those Martian blokes tried this a while back with Phobos and Deimos.... and look what happened to them.

Windows Phone dives into irrelevant-like-BlackBerry territory


Re: Blackberry has gone with Android already

I love my Lumia 925 but need to upgrade my phone and contract. Tried buying a new winPho and/or changing my contract yesterday, but between MS's rubbish phone site, my fear of win 10 (and love of win pho 8.1) and the poor winpho offer from mobile providers, I'm just going to buy a new role of tape to hold my Lumia's case together and pray to God that one day MS stops screwing the pooch.

BBC detector vans are back to spy on your home Wi-Fi – if you can believe it



>>Detection vans can identify viewing on a non‐TV device in the same way that they can detect viewing on a television set.

The only thing that springs to my mind is that the guy doing time for selling fake bomb sniffers has come up with a new product line.

Would it not be easier for the BBC to ask for your tv licence ID when you log onto the site or open the app and just deny you access to the service if you don't provide it, which is similar to having iPlayer blocked when you use a foreign IP address? It would probably be more effective, less creepy and carbon friendly than having a sweaty bloke sitting in a van, stroking this thighs, muttering "milky milky" with the engine running, whilst sniffing the packets of teenagers and children.

Wannabe Prime Minister Andrea Leadsom thinks all websites should be rated – just like movies


Oh God, Oh God, Oh God...

....how have politicians managed to "miss" the internet to such an extent that they still think it's some trendy new TV channel. Non nerds have been using it en mass since about 2000 and the average road sweeper appears to know more about how it works than people who are supposed to be running the country. Surely in the past 16 years this person must have used the bloody thing or manybe she has a "man who does" that sorts out all that tiresome data entry stuff.

The Microsoft-LinkedIn hookup will be the END of DAYS, I tell you


Don't worry...

Given their recent form, MS will break it in a couple of weeks and then flog it off for a tenth of the price they paid for it.

Tax Systems: The good, the bad and the completely toot toot ding-dong loopy


Re: "Tax and tax, spend and spend, elect and elect!"

>>is that more government spending is a very good thing because it leads to more government jobs..

More government jobs leads to more tea drinking, pension hungry, lard arses who immediately leggit to HR screaming "STRESS!" if anyone asks them to do anything.

Just my 2 cents (ex VAT)

Tax is like the clap...best avoided

UK.gov prompt payment promise is POPPYCOCK - NAO


Yup, another bloke who had to wait 4 months

Back in 2008-2010, you slapped an invoice in and had it paid in about 7 days. Now that everything has to be Maude-ified (gettit, gettit) you have to threaten to MCOL the bastards to get the cash out of them.

UKIP website TAKES A KIP, but for why?


They found out a Romainian wrote the site

and he went back home last month

No cellphones in cells, you slag! UK.gov moots prison mobe zap law


Nobby "bonecrusher" Smith writes...

The missus got me a walky talky off Amazon yesterday.... gotta range of 10kms and no contract. I just tell her who's to get nailed when she's shopping at the Asda down the road. Blindin!

Renault Captur: Nobody who knows about cars will buy this


The advert made me doubt this car

Freshwater fish does a "Great Escape" job and seemingly ends up loving a salt water sea. I thought at that point that if the marketing bods were so dumb, the car had to be.

Also reminds me of that old joke...Heaven is where the police are British, the mechanics German, the cooks French, the lovers Italian and the whole thing's run by the Swiss. Hell is where the cooks are British, the mechanics French, the police German, the lovers Swiss and the whole thing's run by the Italians.

Office MACROS PERIL! Age-old VBScript tactic is BACK in biz attack


Yeah, I wrote an app(lication) that did this back in 2008. IIRC it was a bit of a 'mare because of the different ways each MS app (Word, Excel, Visio, Access, etc) handled things. Anyhoo, the upshot was that the users kept their beloved macros and the sysAdmins kept their hair. Suppose I should have marketed the thing.

El Reg tests portable breathalyzers: Getting drunk so you don't have to


Re: Drink and drive, a simple rule:

You're behind the times and your world view is too small. It's compulsory to have one in a car in France (for example). I got the cheapos out of Halfords the other day (£4.99 or something) so if I get pulled going down the A75 I won't get a fine. I'm working on the principle that if I can find them in the glove compartment, I'm fit to drive. ;)

Key to Windows mobe app sales? Er, LOW MEMORY, of course


Re: "And, if you are reading this on your Lumia, you can get the Register app here."

Went to download it from the store, read the reviews...and didn't. Maybe you should make your WinApp "developer" read the article or (I'm guessing here) throw some more bananas into his cage?

Reg man confesses: I took my wife out to choose a laptop for Xmas. NOOOO


God, I'm in the same situation...

....so far I've managed to body serve the whole mess by sleeping through xmas and with an " in the sales" promise. Now the sales are here, the only thing saving me is that HP has put up the price of the thing they were selling on the telly before xmas from £179 to £250 odd...so she's got that confused look on her face. However the day is fast looming where I'm going to be dragged off to PCWorld to provide pre-sales consultancy prior to getting my tech supp apron out. My advice is to get the cheapest laptop with the biggest screen, rip out win 8 and pray to God that she finally works out what she can really do on the iPhone, Samsung tablet and Kindle Fire HD instead of speaking, nothing (it's still in its box) and reading respectively.

PS...Linux guys read this, it'll give you a grounding on the subject...


Apple v BBC: Fruity firm hits back over Panorama drama


Samsung issue a statement...



Maybe it's just me but....

...I don't see Apple reaching for their laywers already, so I can only presume, err... cont Page 94.

Scrooges rejoice! Beancounters find formula for perfect Xmas party


No names but....

In the wacky world of corporate greasy poling, the company my GF works for sent out an instruction to "leverage" Christmas and attendance at the party was mandatory for morale purposes.

Imagine being married to/going out with the control freak twonk that thought that up Yup, thar be true psychos swimming in the corporate ocean.

Goes like the blazes: Amazon Fire HDX 8.9 late 2014 edition



I have bought my GF Kindles various since they first came out. I think she's on her 4th now (a Fire HD)and it seems to be surviving its nightly drop on the floor when she falls asleep whilst reading it. The rest all ended up as piles of bits in the bin (in one case, a soggy pile of bits). At those prices, she's not getting number 5...Blimey I'm shocked!

'Shadow IT' gradually sapping power and budget from CIOs


shadows within shadows

The best one I've seen comprised...

1) The official IT strategy as proposed by the IT staff which had a 5 year plan, a massive budget and was all techy and BIG METAL and had nothing to do with business functionality.

2) The self taught guerrilla developers sniping out applications from within their own business units so the units could function.

3) The top secret corporate IT strategy which was basically get rid of 1 and 2 by restructuring the business and moving the parts to other divisions.

It was amazing watching the battles knowing that it didn't matter a rat's ass who won what, because The Chief Grand Fromage was about to nuke the lot of them.

REVEALED: Titsup flight plan mainframe borks UK air traffic control


Re: Bad flight plan?

"Invariably someone puts a flight plan wrong and it borks the system"

I'm trying to get my head 'round this.... no "Your data are in error, please resubmit?" No, "This field only accepts numbers?" Please tell me someone didn't submit data with an apostrophe in it and that's what caused the connection failure.

Are they saying this was user error which brought the whole thing to its knees?

So, does anyone in UK.gov actually know what G-Cloud is for? Apparently not


They probably think it's something to do with a G-spot

and therefore liable to be banned by mumsnet.

For something that should be common sense and bloody useful what happens is this...

.Gov sysAdmin1: I need a data centre

.Gov sysAdmin2: I have a data centre

.Gov sysAdmin1: I'm not using your data centre because I'll have no control over my data

.Gov sysAdmin2: I'm not letting you use my data centre because I'll have no control over security.

.Gov sysAdmin1: I'm phoning Capita

.Gov sysAdmin2: So am I.

Capita: Welcome friends, much cheapness for you, come into my parlour.

The Great Unwatched: BBC hails glorious digital future for Three


ah C'mon...Mongrels

Series 1 Episode 7 (Vince in a coma) was so pant wettingly funny, I wet my pants. Apart from that, the BBC has blighted my existence since I was born. Every bloody year, the programmes I wanted to watch were booted off screen to be replaced by whatever South East England middle class crap happened to be passing that week.....e.g. Wimbledon. Then there was the great F1 sell out to Sky. I'll never forgive them for that. I felt really sorry for the people of Somerset last year. Just when the Beeb noticed that they had been standing in water for months, the Thames burst its banks and suddenly flooding was proper news because it affected commuters into London.

They should just rename the whole thing as the Surrey Broadcasting Corp.

'I don't NEED to pay' to watch football, thunders EU digi-czar


Any sport I want to watch...

I watch without paying. You can usually find another non UK channel either broadcasting via the internet or a satellite. OK, the commentary might be in Russian or Spanish or Chinese but the pleasures of watching it (legally) without getting the Murdoch tax lubricant out and bending over are well worth it.

Mind you, if I'd paid for Estomian football, I'd bloody well want to watch it wherever I was and sod what my IP address was. Having spent the last week fighting with "online" banking I can well understand the frustrations of 21st century expectations meeting 20th business models.

ooh, ooh, mods whilst we're at it, can we get shot of those "loud" adverts. When you've got umpteen tabs open and your laptop starts giving you the full surround sound experience it is bloody annoying.

So this Saudi Prince calls and asks why he can't watch movies ...


Re: Back to the stone age

Trust me, I've stories from London that are the same. People in power always fill their prams with toys so they can lob them about liberally. No names, no packs of razor blades in Oxfordshire fields.


Re: Computer stupidities...

> Ahahahaaaaaa... you have a female boss etc.

All I can muster is "Blimey." I can't believe someone actually thinks like that this side of Boko Haram.

Whitehall at war: Govt’s webocrats trash vital digital VAT site


The VAT site's been ****ed for weeks

I know nothing about this EU VAT malarkey but the existing VAT site is now a right PITA to use. Links you used to click on to get into the working parts now take you to some wanky.gov.uk vanity site which you immediately backtrack from because it doesn't do anything and you have to really dig about on the original site to get to the login page. What used to be a smart way to do your VAT return has degenerated into a "WTF did I do last time to get into this" mess.

Oh dear, traders: Banker bosses are monitoring your smoke breaks


Re: To Paraphrase Revd Niemoller

I hate to burst your bubble, but anyone who's ever worked in a factory has known it was like this from the year dot and way before "big data" was a buzzword on a consultant's wall chart.

I remember a supervisor banging on the staff bog door screaming to the bloke behind it that he was taking too long to have a shit. So, all that's really happening is that the white collar brigade is being blue collared with big data replacing the more old fashioned big eyeball.

In the case of bankers I'd like to see them wearing collars and leashes and sniff each others' arses but they'd probably like that.

UK slaps 25 per cent 'Google Tax' on tech multinationals



Osborne creates a "Google" tax the same day as "Brit smut slingers shafted by UK censors' stiff new stance" knackering one of Google's prime functions (looking at pr0n)

No wristjob, please, we're Apple fans: Just 10% would buy the Apple Watch


There is something soooo...

...dancing dad about having tech on your wrist. Think back to how "cool" it was to have a mobile or keys danging from your belt (yeah, I know, the other sysAdmins loved it). All it says is "please believe me that I'm important."

The bottom line with anything wearable is "you ain't gonna pull if you look like a fool" and a glow in the dark wrist is the height of twonkism. The only cool dude with wearable tech was the alien in Predator and look how pissed off he was at not getting laid.


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