* Posts by Bob Wheeler

379 posts • joined 11 Oct 2007

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Not so smart after all: A techie's tale of toilet noise horror

Bob Wheeler

Re: Computer sound is on in an open space ?

Year's ago I had the email notification as 'Oh no' in a low moan kinda sound. The big boss asked me to change it.

Bob (retd)

Crash, bang, wallop: What a power-down. But what hit the kill switch?

Bob Wheeler

It took me years...

... To overcome the urge to press the big red button every time I went inside a computer room.

Bob (retd)

Hold horror stories: Chief, we've got a f*cking idiot on line 1. Oh, you heard all that

Bob Wheeler

Careful of what you write

Some years ago management decided to allow the end user to view our call management system and therefore see what the support staff write about the problem.

Apparently a lot of call logs got a substantial re-write.

Bob (Retd)

Reliable system was so reliable, no one noticed its licence had expired... until it was too late

Bob Wheeler

Soon never seems soon enough

We had three old AS/400 mini computers. The end user kept insisting that the data held within them was vital, but refused to pay to have it converted and transferred to a modern system.

It took 20 years to get them decommissioned. I think the breaking point was the H/W maintenance firm was unable to get the 2GB SCSI disks anymore.

Bob. (Retd)

Time for a cracker joke: What's got one ball and buttons in the wrong place?

Bob Wheeler

Back in the day

Many moon's ago, I installed an PS/2 model 30 in my bosses (deputy head of IT). It took him about two years (I kid you not) to find out I had plugged in the power cord.

Bob (retd)

Kill the blockchain! It'll make you fitter in the long run, honest

Bob Wheeler

Someone at work ...

... during the WannaCry outbreak suggested that we use the spare CPU capacity in our data centre to mine Bitcoins in case we need to 'payoff' anyone.

Not a good look for a local authority.

Send printer ink, please. More again please, and fast. Now send it faster

Bob Wheeler
Happy

Back in the 80's

I had to work with 'controlled stationary' a.k.a. pre-signed cheques used for the payroll run. Once week, the senior manager in charge checked the stock of cheques against his log and found 100 had gone missing.

After much searching, acquisitions and the such turned out the managers log was wrong.

anyway folks, today is my last day of gainful employment in IT and after 40 years I'm being put out to pasture (or the glue factory) one or the other.

Enjoy and keep the BOFH faith.

Half of all Windows 10 users thought: BSOD it, let's get the latest build

Bob Wheeler
FAIL

Re: Rolled out != working users

Issue from the last update my system no longer goes to sleep after the allotted time, unless I log out.

With Aprils update, the system defaulted to ENG US keyboard rather then ENG UK it should have been.

then 3rd party utils removed as "they no longer work with this version of windows"

And this is progress.....

Want to know what an organisation is really like? Visit the restroom

Bob Wheeler
Unhappy

We need some ...

"need wall-mounted directives printed in large font sizes on how to use – or rather, how not to misuse – the facilities"

... telling guys not to piss all over the toilet seat

Uber says it's changed and is now ever-so ShinyHappy™

Bob Wheeler
Thumb Down

When they ....

offer a free unicorn with every ride, then I might believe they have changed.

Australian foreplay: Bum-biting in an underground hole

Bob Wheeler
Pint

"but it's perfectly natural and hilarious to watch"

Now what's the Judge going to say if you try that as an excuse?

Admin needed server fast, skipped factory config … then bricked it

Bob Wheeler
Happy

Re: 80186

Around that time, I had a BBC Master computer at home with an 80186 co-pro, complete with 1MB of RAM able to run DOS 2.1 and any PC application.

Australian prisoner-tracking system brought down by 3PAR defects

Bob Wheeler
FAIL

System outages and faults are infrequent

Define infrequent?

In the last 14 years working on SAN,s I've only had one outage that impacted on live production systems.

New Monty Python movie to turn old jokes into new royalties

Bob Wheeler
Angel

When I was a lad...

... I had an evening job in the local cinema. I got to see the films, always in small parts, and out of sequence depending on actually doing some work. We had a double bill of "Blazing Saddles" and "Holy Grail" on for about three weeks - shows how popular the films were.

The jokes in Blazing Saddles got stale after the first week, but Holy Grail kept us laughing every night for three weeks.

LESTER looks up, spins its wheels: The Register’s beer-butler can see ...

Bob Wheeler
Pint

Its alive

It's alive I tell you.......

Well, almost, some time soon, maybe....

Take-off crash 'n' burn didn't kill the Concorde, it was just too bloody expensive to maintain

Bob Wheeler
Thumb Up

Re: the disgusting smell of jet fuel

During the 70' going to an Air show and watching a Vulcan fly over the runway at about 500ft and then the pilot pull back on the stick so it's standing on it's tail while applying full power.

The earth shaked!!!

Boss sent overpaid IT know-nothings home – until an ON switch proved elusive

Bob Wheeler
Angel

So many bosses ....

.... seem to think that techies can become an expert on some new application by simply holding the floppy disks and assimilating knowledge by osmosis.

BOFH: Guys? Guys? We need blockchain... can you install blockchain?

Bob Wheeler
Pint

Magic Bean Technology

After 40 years working in IT, coming into work on a Monday morning to see the current boss (for that month) with a soppy grin on his face holding some glossy magazine/brochure.

MBT has always been the worst thing since sliced bread.

Are the pubs open yet?

Good news: AI could solve the pension crisis – by triggering a nuclear apocalypse by 2040

Bob Wheeler

Their report was built from three separate workshops held - in a pub after a long drinking session

Russians poised to fire intercontinental ballistic missile... into space with Sentinel-3 sat on board

Bob Wheeler

Re: Launch partner?

Would it would be wrong to suggest that any fat brown envelops changed hands?

Recycling tech biz bosses get years for VAT fraud, money laundering

Bob Wheeler

Re: banned from holding a directorship

As far as I know, you only get banned from being a company director if your involved in such crime as VAT fraud, not for things like burglary or drink driving.

So yes, you can be a company director while you're in prison.

Astroboffins discover the stink of eggy farts wafting from Uranus

Bob Wheeler

Naming Uranus

I'm sure poor old Sir William Herschel who discovered and named Uranus back in 1781 is spinning in his grave at how much mirth and fun he has given the school play ground level of humour.

US sanctions on Turkey for Russia purchases could ground Brit F-35s

Bob Wheeler
Alert

When you rattle your sabre ...

... be careful not to cut yourself.

CEO insisted his email was on server that had been offline for years

Bob Wheeler
FAIL

Re: Deleting emails

I've seen support calls with "email is slow" and when one of the guys goes to look finding 150k emails in the main inbox.

Tech bribes: What's the WORST one you've ever been offered?

Bob Wheeler

Most amusing conversation..

Many years ago (mid 1990's) I was the technical lead on tender negotiations for hardware/software supply (5 year exclusive supply of PC, server, printers etc.) to a local authority.

during a long coffee break I was talking with the would be Account Manager and he asked what the Councils policy on 'backhanders' and who was the best person to talk to, to 'ease' the negotiations.

So I explained that there was six people on the tender evaluation team, and as such was impossible for one single person to sway the other five towards any preferred outcome. The Account Manager was rather dismayed at this.

However I said that after a contract was given, it was extremely easy for one person to get a contract cancelled say six months later by lodging a raft of complaints about the supplier, i.e. incorrect invoicing, missing items, late delivery, bad services etc.

While that put a smile on his face, I smiled back, called my boss over and (in front of the sales person) repeated the conversation I had had just had.

Their tender was rejected within the hour.

Bob Wheeler

Re: Speed...

I attended a MS event at Ascot race course and was given a VHS of the "Independence Day" film (the original) about a week or so before it was released in the cinema.

BOFH: We know where the bodies are buried

Bob Wheeler
Pint

Where the bodies are...

"Oh, they'll probably keep us on. As they say in the corporate world, we know where the bodies are buried," the PFY smiles.

"Or more importantly," I add, "we know that there's room for some more bodies..."

I now where the bodies are because I put them there....

Facebook admits it does track non-users, for their own good

Bob Wheeler
Big Brother

It just occured to me that ...

... all this data being collected sounded familiar.

Foundation series of books by Isaac Asimov

"The premise of the series is that the mathematician Hari Seldon spent his life developing a branch of mathematics known as psychohistory, a concept of mathematical sociology. Using the laws of mass action, it can predict the future, but only on a large scale"

Sysadmin’s worst client was … his mother! Until his sister called for help

Bob Wheeler
Big Brother

Re: My Dad... - installing stuff

My brother used to by two or three monthly PC magazines with the free CD full of stuff to try out.

One day he called me to ask how to re-install "file explorer" on his Win XP machine as it would no work. I started to explain that you can't just re-install it, I would need to d a complete OS install.

Anyway, I went around and after a bit of head scratching found that he had installed three different AV products at once. When the machine booted up, each AV scanner was fighting with the others to scan the disk etc.

Took me the best part of the day to fix his machine and I never even got lunch - bastard brother.

Bob Wheeler
Unhappy

and also Ahh sub folders Re: Ahh, parents

Sub Folders are a double edged sword.

I've seen too many examples of 30 or even 40 levels of sub folders and each folder name and different variation of the folder above

reports/annual reports/2017 reports/hr reports/finance/2017/directors reports/finial reports/ etc etc etc

Best thing about a smart toilet? You can take your mobile in without polluting it

Bob Wheeler
Paris Hilton

Now with added functions

The wife bought a new electric toothbrush the other week. I was bemused to see on the packaging that the toothbrush has Bluetooth. So I got thinking "well, a blue tooth needs brushing doesn't it?"

Turns out that the is also an app your put on your phone, and pair with the toothbrush via Bluetooth and the app monitors you brushing your teeth and tells you if your doing it right or not.

How did I live without this before?

UK defines Cyber DEFCON 1, 2 and 3, though of course doesn't call it that

Bob Wheeler
FAIL

Permanent status

From looking at the table I can see that we will be permanently at level 4 or at least level 5

Snubbed R Us: Microsoft eschews Vulture Consultants in Playmobil tech research

Bob Wheeler
Stop

swiping ...

On this side of the pond, 'swiping' something has a different meaning - 'hey who nicked my toys?'

2001: A Space Odyssey has haunted pop culture with anxiety about rogue AIs for half a century

Bob Wheeler
Alien

2nd HAL

In the film, was there not a mention of a 2nd HAL based on Earth that was used as a baseline testing to confirm the HAL in space was operating correctly?

Tesla crash investigation causes dip in 'leccycar firm's share price

Bob Wheeler
Trollface

Re: "...or the autopilot got confused. Given the novelty..."

of the Year of the Linux Desktop.....

BOFH: Give me a lever long enough and a fool, I mean a fulcrum and ....

Bob Wheeler
Pint

Re: Best in a long time..

Folks I work with know that when I start laughing uncontrollably on a Friday morning I must be reading BOFH - sorry researching new IT stuff.......

Bob Wheeler

Re: Nearly similar situation...

When dealing with off-shore support, I often see the phrase "please revert" and "do the needful".

In their education system they still teaching English based upon the Victorian ear standard.

A ghoulish tale of pigs, devs and docs revived from the dead

Bob Wheeler
Angel

Re: Plan F

@Potemkine

Some plans need constant attention and tweeking.

Your Plan F is faultless and is the ultimate expression of BOFH'dom

Bob Wheeler
Mushroom

Re: blood sacrifice

@CrazyOldCatguy

"require the blood of virgins and they are a diminishing resource round here.."

Nah, all of our PFY's are virgins, ... oh wait, you meant the female kind....

Bob Wheeler

Re: Love it!

Dear Chairman of the Bored

I have to inform you that not only the 'pages are alive', that 'emails get resurrected' but also there are ghosts in the machines - how else do you explain these damn systems working one moment, then failing then working again without anyone even touching them. I swear the software is taunting us.

In addition to that, it has been known for many years in the highest level of BOFH'dom that the servers also have gods that not only require, but demand blood sacrifice from any mortal working on them in the machine halls.

yours faithfully

IT bod in chief

Bob Wheeler

"every smooth operation is a cupboardful of IT bods frantically conducting a real-world and real-time disaster limitation exercise"

Shss, don't tell everyone, it our little secret.

Screw everything! French swingers campsite up for sale, owners 'tired'

Bob Wheeler
Joke

professional restaurant

Well, you don't want an armature restaurant do you.... any one for meat balls?, toad in the hole?

Does Parliament or Google decide when your criminal past is forgotten?

Bob Wheeler

Re: Accessibility

@Will Godfrey

I think you have touched on the nub of it here.

In the past, you would have had some memory of "wasn't that the guy who....", then that might spur you to go to the local reference library and trawl thought the daily paper of your choice, or maybe spend a day in Fleet St. itself.

Nowadays you don't even have to have a the foggiest notation that 'that guy' was involved, or not, in anything at all.

On balance, I'm more on goggle's side in this than not.

Bob Wheeler

Re: Going back in time to modify history

A few things that have just come to mind.

1) What happens if your writing a biography/history of someone/some event in 10, 20, 50+ years tine.

2) What about Bing? do they automatically have to apply the same 'no result shown due to EU law."

3) google.com still shows the result when google.co.uk (or other EU's googles) don't

For all we know, aliens could be as careless with space junk as us

Bob Wheeler
Trollface

Re: Assumption detected

like wise "Nobody has shown that a species that leaves junk all over its planet has not survived."

Sysadmin left finger on power button for an hour to avert SAP outage

Bob Wheeler
Facepalm

Repetitive work on multiple servers

I was working on a 16-node Novell Cluster, updating drivers. A process that had been done many times and non invasive and with no loss of service so deemed by management as safe to do in working hours.

The process was simple, take a node out of the cluster - “CLUSTER LEAVE”, copy the new device drivers and then reboot that node - “SERVER DOWN”, wait for it to start up and re-join the cluster, and move onto the next node.

By about the 14th or 15th node, after typing the same commands time after time, instead of typing “CLUSTER LEAVE” to take the node out of the cluster, I typed “CLUSTER DOWN”.

It should be noted that Novell does NOT ask “Are you sure?” when you type such a command, and it does what the command suggests it does – instantly. All users, potentially some 4,500 of them suddenly lost their file shares, email, printing, internet access – the works.

My only saving grace was it was late afternoon on a Friday so there was not that many users actually affected.

Britain ignores booze guidelines – heads for the pub

Bob Wheeler
Pint

Re: Shock! Great British Public not stupid!

I gave the new guidance due consideration.

And when I had stopped laughing I went for a drink, or two, emm three, well four maybe....

Fancy owning a two-seat Second World War Messerschmitt fighter?

Bob Wheeler

@ Jemma

I seem to remember that some Spitfire's also has a problem if the throttle was opened too fast the engin toque would just flip the plane over

Bob Wheeler
Thumb Up

I'd go for a de Havilland DH.98 Mosquito

BOFH: Honourable misconduct

Bob Wheeler
Mushroom

Re: half eaten chicken kebab!

sounds like you need more practice at beer drinking, a lot more

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