* Posts by TeeCee

8352 posts • joined 5 Oct 2007

Business throws cold water on gov hot air proposals

TeeCee Gold badge

@Michelle Knight

"As for the trains....."

Ah, you'll be one of these strange people who seems to think that all was rosy in the days of British Rail. How terribly sad.

The only difference these days is that you can now find out exactly how crap a given train service is without going and standing on a piss-stained platform in the peeing rain, listening to the cancellation announcements as they're read out underwater through a crisp packet in serbo-croat (well that's what it bloody sounded like anyway). This level of information availability would assume the minor miracles of both the tannoy system being operational and the workshy git whose job it was to make the announcements actually being around that day.

The sandwiches were better than the service and they were a national joke.

Hurt yourself? Try f**king swearing

TeeCee Gold badge

Re: The Elder Swear

"...and lo, the very air itself turned blue and a great silence fell upon all. Much redness was seen upon the faces of the assembled multitudes and as one they shuffled their feet and looked unto the firmament for guidance. Then one spake into the silence, saying: 'Fuck me. Did you just make that up or what?'"

Book of Expletives: Chapter 4, verse 8.

Rosetta Stone rocks Google with trademark lawsuit

TeeCee Gold badge

@Doug Ealey

Re: "Kwik-fit".

Really? I'd always thought that they just thought it was spelled that way.

In much the same way as they think "9/16 AF" is actually spelled "M10 and an air hammer with the torque limiter disabled".

iPod fingered in car inferno

TeeCee Gold badge

@Eric Hood

I think that the OP was being sarcastic, as it's an "Estate Car"* over this side of the pond.

Unfortunately for you, given the topic, a "Hood" is a "Bonnet".

*Unless you're Rover, in which case it's a "Tourer". They deserved everything they got for this.

TeeCee Gold badge

Related news.

Anyone know if there were any iPods in that Lamborghini Gallardo that went on fire rather spectacularly last friday in Peterborough?

You can get quite a lot of Saabs for the price of one of those....

Jaguar opens up about future e-car plans

TeeCee Gold badge

@richard 69

Oh the dilemma!

Get the jag and be thought of as old by those with antiquated preconceptions or get the 7 series and be thought of as a complete wanker by absofuckinglutely everybody on the planet.

<checks bank balance>

S'ok. I don't seem to have that dilemma after all.

Endeavour launch scrubbed for fourth time

TeeCee Gold badge

Don't get it.

Every shuttle emergency landing to date has been in the form of small pieces distributed over a geographically significant area. Takeoff failures in the rocketry world are generally characterised by some variation on the word "BANG" and crew intervention restricted to something like "What the fu....?".

What's the runway for?

ESA to develop cargo-lander space podule

TeeCee Gold badge

Questions potential astronauts should ask. In order.

This 'ere spacecraft, that's a development of the Advanced Reentry Vehicle, right?

The ARV is a development of the Automated Transfer Vehicle, yes?

And the ATV was designed to burn up on reentry.....?

Can I have my coat now please?

Google Oompa-Loompas dream of virus-free OS

TeeCee Gold badge

@dave hands

"Linux does not allow remote installation of code by websites"

Then you install a browser......

As for the "social engineering" bit, how do you think the win attack vectors work these days? Until we get away from the end-user treating every occurrence of "MoodyMalwareApp is trying to modify your system files, do you wish to allow this?" as an automatic "yes" response, any O/S you care to envisage will be on a hiding to nothing.

Linux has a huge advantage here. I know a lot of Linux users, none of them are gullible idiots who know fuck-all about computers.

Did the Vatican suppress hidden 'Galileo Cryptogram'?

TeeCee Gold badge

Other news.

Isaac Newton discovered faster-than-light travel. Many of the pictures he appears in show him wearing a pleated cravat, which proves that he understood the concepts behind the folding of space required and the details are in an encrypted message yet to be discovered.

Sacha Baron Cohen is actually a reincarnation of Queen Victoria. The Bruno character is obviously an illustration of his love for Price Albert and the proof is in an encrypted message yet to be discovered.

Dan Brown is an artificial, vatgrown construct created from a fusion of the DNA of Galileo and the Antichrist. There's a teastain on page 24 of my copy of "The Da Vinci code" which proves it and a full description of the process used is in an encrypted message yet to be discovered.

Bloody easy this. Do lecture tours pay well?

Rogue CA update bricks Win XP systems

TeeCee Gold badge


Apparently Cygwin is a commercial application.

I guess that my free version must be a pirate copy then.

Aaarhaaar, 'tis time to splice the mainbrace methinks, 'tis Friday ye knows.

Teen cuffed for bomb threat webcam pay-per-view

TeeCee Gold badge

Dumberer and dumbererer.

"Lundeby's crew also phoned in bomb threats to the FBI"

Or, how to seriously piss off the organisation most likely to be trying to catch you and get yourselves bumped up their priority stack. The only surprising thing here is that an agent didn't have an unfortunate firearm safety catch malfunction when they went to arrest him.

I'm rapidly warming to the idea that being a brain-dead fuckwit should be a crime punishable by life imprisonment. It'd save time and effort.

Robot land-steamers to consume all life on Earth as fuel

TeeCee Gold badge

@Martin 6

Hummers? Nah. They'd need to be able to turn waste into ersatz petrol to run 'em and if they could do that, we wouldn't need 'em in the first place.

They'll be generating power, so the obvious mitigation to the robotic fat bastard problem would be for them to nick a lard chariot, plug it in to a handy power take off and run around like that. So, if you wake up one morning and find that the trees are gone from your garden, your dustbins are empty and your segway's missing, you know what's happened.

Samsung N310 netbook

TeeCee Gold badge

Am I the only one then?

I've not had problems with bacteria breeding on my keyboards to date.

Is that whalesong I can hear?

Ofcom coughs 3G coverage maps

TeeCee Gold badge


Ever thought about why O2 have the iPhone and Pre?

The thought occurs to me that this could have a lot to do with their cutting a better deal for the handset makers in question, as they know damned well that these products being offered on a network with better coverage would mean that they could kiss their user base goodbye.

Which do you think's cheaper, investing in the network or buying a couple of well-hyped devices that come with a guarantee of joe public beating a path to your door?

Moderatrix to gain even more sinister powers

TeeCee Gold badge

There's a flaw in this plan....

".....it is likely that the downweighting applied to new addresses will become even more negative."

So, by trolling and flaming like right bastards from as many one shot email addy's as possible we can get this thing to a level where n00bs are automagically banned?

That'll be fun. Is there a list of places using this that we can get started on?

Google polishes Chrome into netbook OS

TeeCee Gold badge

Re: Re: Emulation

'......the "oh you can't do anything on linux without a command line" image, an image pushed by Microsoft and it's large army of paid shills......'

Here's how it went for me the other day.

F'Fox to a web pdf. Opens in Gimp, which as a pdf viewer is a bag of shite.

Open pdf on machine. Opens in "okular", very nice.

Poke config in F'Fox, find bit where default handlers are specified.

Go to change to "okular".....but it's not listed as an option. Bugger.

Try to guess path to "okular" with a spectacular lack of success (bit rusty I giess).


<command line>

"which okular"............

Neither MS, nor their army of paid shills were responsible for that one.

Too thick to boil an egg? Buy 'em preboiled

TeeCee Gold badge

This "Happy Egg" mob.

Is that a shell company?

IPO gives 'reputable' web pages prior art status

TeeCee Gold badge

Prior art.

I'd have thought that the most bleedin' obvious evidence of this would be the NatWest online banking system which I've been personally using since some considerable time before 2005 and which uses that self-same system of authentication!

I think that they even sent me the original password (like wot HSBC proposed) and I changed it meself to something less memory-hostile. I can't be sure, like I said it was a while back.

Failing that, I think Mastercard's SecureCode online transaction authentication system may be of earlier provenance too. Guess how that one works?

iTunes minus the player: hack your Apple beats

TeeCee Gold badge

@John Dee

A quick trawl shows that the iPod had somewhere north of 80% of the MP3 player market in the US in 2007.

I'd say that "arguable monopoly" is an accurate description myself. Particularly as they then use this to leverage the iTunes business via the iPod / iTunes lock in, which is fairly strong evidence of classic monopolistic practice.

NASA fires up the 'interplanetary internet'

TeeCee Gold badge

Second payload?

".....creating the interplanetary internet's second node....."

Presumably actually at least its third. I'm guessing that they already have one or more somethings down here capable of communicating with the existing thing up there. There wouldn't be much point otherwise.

Michael Jackson manifests in California tree stump

TeeCee Gold badge

I guess you had to be there.

There's nothing in that pic that looks remotely human to me..........oh, wait.........no, even Jackson looked a bit human if you turn a pic of him sideways and squint at it for a while.

Boffin predicts pee-powered cars

TeeCee Gold badge

@Covert North American Scum

OMFG, the boffins are getting their ideas from comedy now?

The Viz strip "Mickey's monkey-spunk moped" springs to mind..............

Web browser makers line up battleships

TeeCee Gold badge

@Jamie 19

<--- You need this.

Like most newly installed pieces of software which have a variety of configuration options, IE8 offers to lead you through a few on first use (including some rather un-Microsofty options like making Google the default for search, maps 'n webmail).

If you'd bothered to scroll down you'd have found the "sod off and don't annoy me with this shit again" button so you could either stay in happy MS-luser land or wade through the config yourself.

If you're going to diss MS, try to pick something they're actually guilty of to criticise, it's not like there isn't enough of a choice here.

Office admin sacked for Blears abuse

TeeCee Gold badge

Except you can't do this.

"....agreed to pay the Revenue £13,000 to cover her missing tax payment...."

Private Eye pointed out how this works some time ago. She could apply to resubmit her tax return for the year in question and then pay the 13,000 quid bill resulting or, more likely, 13,000 quid plus interest and a big fat fine for tax evasion.

Just sending them a cheque will result in the cheque being taken as an advance payment against this years tax and in its eventual refund when its found not to be required (and rather conveniently after the heat's off).

But this is being seen to be doing the right thing, so that's all ok then.

When I originally saw this, I suddenly understood why the thieving bastards were falling over each other to "refund" any tax underpaid.....

Spy boss poked by Facebook

TeeCee Gold badge

Oh dear!

"....another relative pictured on holiday...."

Associating with known tourists? That won't go down well at all......

Australia's 'answer to the velociraptor' unveiled

TeeCee Gold badge

Big arms?

T-Rex arms look a deal less silly when you see a rendition of a T-Rex done since they figured out that they have had dino-porkiness rather exaggerated in the past, due to using the wrong algorithm for estimating overall mass from the skeletal structure. This was discovered recenty when somebody applied the accepted method to an elephant skeleton and found that the buggers came out as damned nearly spherical.

What we're used to is apparently the paleontological equivalent of the Segway owner's club.

All those icons and no dino fat bastard. What an oversight.

Russians demand flying cars and telepathy

TeeCee Gold badge

Re: But But But

You can have your Time Machine.

I'll take Immortality and have a bit of fun while I wait for you to turn up. Ok?

Yes, the leather jacket. Crumbled to dust you say? I must have lost track of the time again....

Police told to use Wikipedia for court preparation

TeeCee Gold badge

Re: all those court gags.

Read the article. It says that the Plod are to use the wiki for court preparation. So, something more like:

"That's odd M'lud. According to this brief I've been given, the defendant was detected as doing 48mph in a 30mph zone in Chipping Norton, which is apparently a military/industrial complex situated on the Klingon homeworld. May I have an ajournment while I verify the facts in the case?"

Japanese airport trials 'personal mobility vehicles'

TeeCee Gold badge

Serendipity at work.

"... integrated social networking system....."

So a sort of FaceBook lard chariot then. They'll sell like hot cakes.

Bloke uses nail clippers to go roundhead

TeeCee Gold badge

Roundhead, or......

"....such a cavalier fashion....."

I can see what you did there.

Mine doublet and buffe coate if ye pleaseth.

Steve Jobs finds part-time work

TeeCee Gold badge

@George Schultz

Not if you shoot it with silver bullets it doesn't.....

NASA reacquires original Moon landing footage

TeeCee Gold badge

Re: Fakes.

I remember seeing an interview with a special effects bod who was working back then. They asked him how he'd have done it, if he'd been given the job and had to use the technology available at the time.

The answer given was something like:

"Well, if we were given an unlimited budget to get it to look right, the easiest way would have been to build a really big rocket and then hire three stuntmen to take it to the moon......."

Or, put another way, whoever just invoked Occam's razor had it right.

Chaps: Give up, you'll never understand women

TeeCee Gold badge
Thumb Up

Posts indicate that Good Charlotte said it all then.

Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money!

Buzz Aldrin weighs into NASA

TeeCee Gold badge
Thumb Down

Re: Ground Control to Major Gordon.

You Swine!

You just marooned Gordon Brown and Paris Hilton together on Mars.

I'm going to be in therapy for weeks getting rid of the issues associated with the mental pictures from that one.

Think tank rumbles over gov data-hogging

TeeCee Gold badge

Ah, but remember the "Jedi" census.....

What would actually happen would be a bunch of wags (including, I have to say, myself) would opt out in favour of having their data stored in a basement with no stairs or lights, locked in the bottom drawer of a filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying "Beware of the Leopard".

I'm off to rent a dark basement so that I can charge 50 quid a pop for this valuable service....

Man+dog plunged into 'faecal lagoon'

TeeCee Gold badge

That thar dog.

Now, the smell of a wet dog is a pretty ripe odour under normal circumstances.

I'm forced to wonder in mixed awe and horror at the level of pong created by a dog that's been recently immersed in concentrated sewage.

I'm also drawn to speculate on the repellant power of a shit-soaked dog that has yet to shake itself. I reckon that if we could harness and focus that effect we could build a pressor beam capable of moving planets around.

DARPA: Can we have a one-cabinet petaflop supercomputer?

TeeCee Gold badge

Only one question really.

If somebody makes one, how long before somebody else buys a roomful and builds a DBHPC* cluster of 'em, chewing megawatts of power and producing oodleflops of grunt?

Alright, two questions. How long after it's done before DARPA tout for *that* in a 19" cabinet......

*Dog's Bollocks High Performance Computer.

Ecopocalypse causes giant fish ears

TeeCee Gold badge

Re: Evolution must be halted at once!

Great idea, but with a slight snag.

Anyone who actually has the ear of God* is going to be convinced that any mention of the e-word in conversation is going to be a lightning bolt** moment.

*or who's deluded enough to think they have anyway.

**plague of boils / swine flu / mutant sea bass attack / casting into abyss / whatever....

Google mocks Bing and the stuff behind it

TeeCee Gold badge

@David Swales

Old, old news. Websense fixed that in an update about five minutes after the original Bing launch.

I think your users might thank you more for keeping their protective systems at least vaguely up to date. Less liable to pwnage, you know......

Why would anyone run their own base station?

TeeCee Gold badge

"making the world your hotspot"

Nope, I don't get it. Why would I want to take my nice, solid 8meg connection and then plug a box into it so I could connect to it using something that can currently get to somewhere a shade over 7meg, assuming the wind's in the right direction and the portents auger well?

Oh, and that 8meg connection has unlimited data use rather than "unlimited" data use.

Never mind that I might want to talk to something else on my own network, which runs at speeds somewhere considerably north of the wildest dreams of 3G.

I'm sure that some of these will get installed, in exactly the same way that I'm sure that there are sad beggars out there who reckon that the line "I've got a femtocell" is so likely to snap knicker elastic that it's worth 160 quid.

Salty Saturn moon plumes suggest stuff of life

TeeCee Gold badge

Re: @adnim

More to that.

The original monolith site was Iapetus, which has the "cosmic beacon" effect of having a higher albedo on one side than the other while also being tidelocked to Saturn. The effect here is that it appears to blink, brightening and darkening as it orbits.

When they got their first pictures back from one of the probes, there was a suspicous black spot right smack in the centre of the bright side. This was ringed on the first print and had the words "Arthur was right!" written next to it.

Brit firm stops anti-tank warheads with cloth

TeeCee Gold badge


Yup, worked so well at blowing holes in the fort at Eben-Emael that they adapted the technology to produce the Panzerfaust, which had a shaped charge warhead and was the first single-shot, disposable anti-tank RPG.

That Russian grenade-on-a-stick system which has become ubiquitous since was pretty much a copy of this as the Red Army had gained some useful firsthand experience of exactly how effective the little beggars were.

By sheer coincidence, I was sitting in the sunshine having a beer at the watermill bar next to Eben-Emael last week...

Firms must go to court to stop all counterfeit hauls

TeeCee Gold badge

Oh really?

What they said:

"The key point here is that counterfeiters, when told that goods have been detained, will be able to tell rights holders to sue them or they'll be getting their goods back,"

What will actually happen:

"The key point here is that counterfeiters, when told that goods have been detained, will need to keep quiet and not make a fuss for ten days and then they'll get their goods back,"

Or am I missing something here?

AMD preparing Centrino-esque laptop brand... again?

TeeCee Gold badge

"...why this obsession with laptop stickers, guys?"

It's not them, per se, it's the marketing whores.

25 of 'em.

In the room next door.

Mine's the one with the original Doktor Avalanche in the pocket.

UK retailer apologizes for faux Iran Tweets

TeeCee Gold badge

@Anthony 13

No, it's entirely different.

Metatags were an old-skool FAIL. This is FAIL 2.0 replete with user-generated FAIL.

Opiate-crazed wallabies create crop circles

TeeCee Gold badge

Let me fix that for you.

"Tasmania accounts for 50 per cent of all the world's opiate supplies"

"Tasmania accounts for 50 per cent of all the world's legal opiate supplies"

There, that's better and it'll save you getting a stroppy letter from the Afghan Embassy for dissing their multi billion dollar contribution to the world economy.

I'd select an icon, but the little buggers keep running around the screen in circles and I can't catch one.

Fifty Quid Bloke, meet Spotify's 14p man

TeeCee Gold badge


Can somebody please explain this obsession with using the word "song" to describe a track or piece of music?

I know that in the mind of yer average chav teen if it ain't got some talentless plastic git warbling away in the foreground it ain't music, but could we at least try to rise a shade above that level of intelligence round here?

Hero: HTC names third Android smartphone

TeeCee Gold badge

Oleophobic screens.

So the price for not having fingerprints on your screen is not covering the oleophobic surface with a screen protector and accepting that it'll get scratched.

Yeah, that makes sense. I think I'll stick to wiping the screen on my shirt when it get too smeared thanks.

Kate Moss kills Kills cuts

TeeCee Gold badge

The Crackberry too!

I've personally taken a mobile phone for a good long swim (and it was switched on at the start of this). Cursed. Dismantled it. Left the parts to dry out for a couple of days. Reassembled it and had it all work afterwards.

It was soaked enough that I could see the water sloshing about between the screen and its perspex cover at the time. A bit like an iPhone with the beer app running, only more watery and a lot cheaper.

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2019