Most of all of that I would be fine without actually, the sticking point for me is email (including the "instant" push notification of having received one - my "email-checker" currently is the "ping" of my phone...). Deride all you want, I _do_ need an email address and the only free ones left I could find offering NON-web based access (ie. for Thunderbird) were Google and Yahoo. No, I'm not going to use my ISP-provided address (if they even actually provide one - no idea. Just _nope_.) No, I'm not going to install an email server at home considering I don't even have a fixed IP and wouldn't begin to have the foggiest idea about how to set up and secure one properly (not to mention spam filtering sucks by definition when you can't compare to what everybody else receives en-masse). No, I'm absolutely definitely categorically not going to start renting a cloud server so I can (fail to) do the same on someone else's hardware.
So the question remains open - are there actually any third-party (either free or low-cost) non-web-access email providers sufficiently trustworthy to make switching from Google mail worthwhile - preferably EU-based and with some sort of quick-notification mechanism on Android...? Because I'm willing to endure a lot to appease my tin foil hat, but past a certain point practical need trumps all, no discussion, full stop.