"I'd like to see your alternatives, just in case I find any of them offensive."
I already posted my alternatives, and people might find them uproariously funny [as well as offensive]
to add to that list: Top / Bottom
(or you could do 'Top Dog' / 'Under Dog' - heh heh heh)
with careful consideration and a complete irreverance for this kind of 'social justice' idiocy, all *kinds* of fun 'equivalent' comparative terms may develop!