Reply to post: Re: Fiat 500

BOFH: Their bright orange plumage warns other species, 'Back off! I'm dangerous!'

Jemma Silver badge

Re: Fiat 500

Where do I start.

They eat brake pads, discs, and lines as if they're finest caviar.

The interior is extremely unsafe if you are basically over 5ft - I really want to have both knees amputated in a crash.. Not to mention if you are in the back in an accident you are basically a corpse if it burns. Which means the kiddies in the back will be the equivalent of a hog roast before the emergency services have found their keys. And my 4 door Wolseley is, and I quote, "dangerous". I'd like to introduce you to a fantastic new feature - we at BMC call them back doors.

The engines are fairly flaky, especially the MultiAirLeaks (from head and intake gaskets). You can guarantee that the owners have not the slightest clue about oils so just pick up 20w50 and go with it (which to paraphrase Robin Williams is "great when you're in a landcrab, but not so great when you've got VVTi") or (and my neighbour actually killed one doing this) top it up to the valve gear.

Amazingly for a FIAT however, they don't appear to rust.

They ride like a Bedford truck circa 1938 and the convertible is apparently worse..

But what makes me want to commit violent murder every time I see one is the turdulicious pastiche of a real classic burbling around the place with an owner who thinks they're the bees bollocks because they bought (or even worse, deliberately leased) the automotive equivalent of an iPhone that's just been run over by an M1 Abrams.

And THEN they turn up their nose at a proper classic, even the original 500 for being old fashioned (did you actually *look* at your car) and polluting! - or play the "Let's test the Wolseley brakes" game by pulling out 2 feet in front of me on a 50mph road. God alone knows what would happen if I hit one at speed in the 'crab, it'd probably go straight through.

But worst of all, even than the Italian kretinwagen, is the Mini. You know the one - the tribute that's bigger than my Wolseley and bigger than an SWB landrover. It's like a 30st tranny truck driver doing a cover version of Dolores O'Riorden in a PVC sheath dress and fuck-me-heels (I've actually experienced this, don't ask, but the counselling is going well). Poor Alec Issigonis must be spinning in his grave fast enough to light the whole of the Midlands..

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