That apology in full...
1. We followed best practises.
2. Lessons have been learned.
3. All account balances are probably correct for certain values of correct.
4. We now have the IT platform of the future; we just didn't have it for quite a bit of the present. And we've lost the past altogether.
5. Everyone* will get compensated appropriately.
6. This was a long and complex project so we decided to shorten that time and go all dev-ops and agile. Well you'd do the same wouldn't you?
7. We followed best agile practises.
8. Lessons have been learned in an agile way.
9. There will be a full risk assessment and post mortem. We won't publish this. It'll blame all the people we've sacked who actually knew what went wrong.
10. But we will get that Scottish woman with the lovely sing-song voice from Trainspotting to do some more ads about added 'plusness' (which is what happened some of our customer's balances!)
11. C'mon! We're not as bad as the co-op! He snorted crystal meth off martian hookers or something.
(* except customers).