"Does your machine even have a serial port?"
Why yes. Yes it does. Several, in fact. How else would I connect my so-called "dumb" terminal? Serious question ... Nothing better than having an actual terminal with a shell when you want to get Stuff[tm] done. No distracting glitter. Kinda handy on development boxen when the GUI goes titsup, too. Or for easily sending error logs to a fan-fold printer. Try it, you might like it.
As a side note, you know that a USB port is a serial port, right?
I'm sure the marketing geniuses of the world are happy to know that you prefer an all singing, all dancing website to a stable, secure, no unnecessary bells & whistles operating system. Me, I'll stick to slackware and get my job done without even thinking about my OS, or it's web site.