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I'd like to think that the original Microsoft denial, before nervous lawyers toned it down, went something like this:

"No customer data was accessed, and we're confident in the integrity of our software and systems... Bob Doe (53) of Boise, Idaho - the video record of the 30 seconds you spent excavating your nostrils in front of your webcam last Tuesday evening is safe with us. Molly Bloggs of Ottowa - that sexytimes note you drafted in Notepad on Monday will remain a secret between you, your boyfriend, us, and carefully-and-rigorously-selected third party marketing partners. And Tim Smith-Smythe - we know which websites you went to last week from your house in Acacia Avenue, Stoke-on-Trent, but fortunately you used Edge's Privacy Mode so only we and the Five Eyes intelligence agencies know... the hackers didn't get that either. But you might want to wipe your keyboard now. Use the yellow cloth that's to the left of your coffee-cup. No, not that one, the other one."