For Your Izal Only (Sheena Easton)
When I was a lad, at boarding school, the only loo paper provided was Izal Medicated. I don’t think that you can get it anymore - but (for the uninitiated - i.e. the youthful) it was like wiping your arse on a flimsy*.
My particular use for Izal was to (before settling comfortably) fold a little flotilla of ships and float them in the bowl (4 or 5 was generally possible in the bog dock) - and then see how many of them I could sink with my tor-poo-do.
Ashamed of having a shit? Not me. It’s a great way to pass the time - even if all that you have to entertain yourself is a copy of AutoTrader (or a phone with The Register!)
*you don’t know what a flimsy is? Strewth! It’s a thin, crinkly, piece of paper that would be placed behind the ‘original’ with a sheet of carbon paper inbetween. That way, when the ‘original’ was printed with an impact** printer of some description you’d have an instant copy. In any event, a flimsy would be crinkly and uncomfortable to wipe your arse with - and with a high likelihood of Bungle’s Finger*** as a result.
**dot matrix, daisy wheel, golfball - that manner o’ sausage.
***look it up.