Re: Oh, goodie!
"FORTRAN is basically a universal assembler"
Not really. While *ALL* compiled languages eventually result in assembly-level instructions, C is a slightly special case in that it allows quite easy means of arbitrarily addressing memory locations and interacting with asynchronous events such as signals/interrupts. It also has many bit-wise sort of options in terms of manipulating integers, bit fields in structures, etc, that are useful for hardware driver I/O, etc.
That is not part of the usual FORTRAN syntax nor (I presume, not used) COBOL. E.g FORTAN 77 had no memory allocation support, you had to define fixed-size arrays at the start.