Re: ,So there's an online fix for not being able to get online?
"And just HOW, precisely, would I get the fix on a computer that can't go online to get the fix?"
Boot off a USB stick containing a live Linux distribution, connect to wifi, and then download the fix file and save it to a second USB stick. Reboot, copy and patch.
 Canonical will sell you a USB stick with Ubuntu on it for a fiver. There are many others, including Tails.
 OK, perhaps a cable into the router if the computer does not have wifi or has a proprietary driver that isn't widely available on Linux yet - fairly rare.
Coat: mine's the one with the bootable USB drive with Debian non-free live on it AND a netgear USB wifi adaptor that does not require any firmware.