"The BBC is reporting that "Bacon, Sausage and Ham" are all dangerous."
And they are!
Put a suitable amount of bacon, sausage and ham into a large plastic freezer bag.
Place in freezer overnight.
Remove from freezer.
Approach the bitch from behind and bring the frozen meat down firmly and smartly onto her head.
Defrost the frozen meat in the microwave and commence cooking.
Call the police/porcine brethren [delete whichever is inapplicable].
"She called out to me to come and have breakfast and I found her lying there officer. And there's no sign of a weapon."