You seem to have used the word "We" a lot there when you meant to have used "I".
"I get touch even if the kit is not touch capable
I get tiles even if I don't want them in a gazillion years
I get Cortana when I say 'Cortana go nuke yourself'.
I get MS trying to be of so helpful everywhere and ending up getting in my way"
Try dealing with lots of older and infirm PC users - they don't have 30inch screens - they have normal sized ones. They actually like tiles and like the PC being a helpful thing. and there are far more of them than there are IT geeks like us.... MS has to look at more than just us when they design their OS.