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back to article Turk unwraps doner kebab robot

A Turkish Cypriot has unveiled what represents the cutting edge of death wrapped in pitta bread tech: the automated doner kebab meat slicing robot, capable of delivering vast quantities of perfectly-hewn nourishment. The FFDR-V1004. Pic: Döner Robotu The FFDR-V1004 is the brainchild of 34-year-old Ahmet Kalyoncu, whose Döner …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Pint

    Title

    "Agence France-Presse interestingly notes that the doner kebab was likely invented in Germany in 1971 by Turkish immigrant Mahmut Aygün"

    Indeed it was.

    And at least in Germany proper bread is used and not this floppy rubbish piece of "bread" in doner shops in London, as well as Beef's used too.

    Havn't found a single doner place in London yet offering Beef, don't understand why, tastes much better than a lamb doner, or chicken.

    Beer, as to add to the bad nutrition overkill already offered by a doner

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    1. Anonymous Coward
      Reply Icon
      Thumb Down

      Doner kebabs...

      ...are rank. What you want is a shwarma with actual, identifiable meat in it!

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    2. Sabine Miehlbradt
      Reply Icon
      Boffin

      I don't think so

      Beef is too expensive for Döner meat and dries out when on the spit too long. The cheap shops use turkey meat, maybe mixed with cheap minced meat and breadcrumbs for texture and the better ones use pork.

      I've heard of shops using lamb meat but have never seen one.

      My own Turk uses pork (he's a Christian, so it does not bother him), spices and salt and puts the meat on the spit himself instead of buying them ready-made. His Döner is very juicy and great in taste and texture, even for a finicky eater like myself.

      For bread, they all use leavened flat- bread. That has to be served fresh, since it dries out very fast.

      A Döner-shop that sells unsavoury Döners dies very fast, as there are more than enough of them here and rumour spreads faster than the result of bad meat.

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  2. disgruntled yank

    turf

    Hey, isn't death-tech Lewis Page's turf. What's going on here?

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    1. Anonymous Coward
      Reply Icon
      Terminator

      Ah, but...

      ...Rise Of The Machines is proper Lester Haines territory, and this has the stink of ROTM all over it. It's (vagely, sort of) a robot with knives instead of hands! What could possibly go wrong?

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  3. EddieD

    Vive la difference...

    Okay, I don't know german.

    What I do know though is the difference between British and mainland Europe kebabs - on the mainland you can eat a doner kebab /before/ you go to the pub, and you don't have that nagging sense of post-pitta regret afterwards.

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  4. That Awful Puppy
    Pint

    Kebab is for kids

    Britain has apparently yet to be exposed to the deadly delight that is authentic Bosnian burek, a product so saturated in fat that it can turn everything it touches, including walls, transparent.

    Oddly enough, it tends to turn people quite opaque and corpulent.

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    1. Svantevid
      Reply Icon
      Happy

      Burek!

      Yay for burek... but try climbing to the eight floor - the elevators were broken - after eating one.

      I think grease started oozing out of my pores some time after the fifth floor.

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  5. Ottoman
    Go

    AFP is out by err, 150 years at least

    Doner Kabab was invented in 1850's in Bursa / Turkey. That is right, it is number eight after the number one.

    I have had the pleasure of eating the kebab at the very restaurant his grandchildren established.

    http://www.videosofturkey.com/turkce/video_details.asp?id=291

    The thing is, the rubbish they are trying to pass as Doner kebab here in UK, Germany or indeed Switzerland you could not stay in business 3 days (and probably get a good kicking too).

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  6. !!11oneeleven
    Heart

    Döner ftw!

    That is all.

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  7. AlistairJ
    Coat

    Doner card

    I would like someone to help themselves to my kebab after my death.

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    1. Quiller-Nine
      Reply Icon
      Joke

      @AlistairJ...

      I always thought that the Doner Card meant that you were authorising your remains to be used in another kebab?

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    2. BossHog
      Reply Icon

      Doner card..

      ....which it caused.

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  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    yeah but

    A Kebab trade fair?

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  9. Anonymous Coward
    Pirate

    Looks Like Gyro

    In the US, we don't have Turkish Doner Kebab. We have what is called Greek Gyro.

    The Gyro meat is a spiced lamb/beef pressed-lips-and-assholes meat. I'm not sure if the Turkish variety is similar.

    Death, indeed.

    I like gyro, but don't have it too often, as I know that it's pita-wrapped death.

    Jolly Roger, because os the death angle...

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    1. George of the Jungle
      Reply Icon

      Doner in the USA

      Turkish places in the US will make doner kebab, but usually it is lamb. My favorite Turkish place in Boston make Adana kebab, which is a much more yummy treat IMHO.

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  10. Marvin the Martian
    Stop

    "Lethal dose of salt and saturated fat."

    Maybe not: as the aim is to cut out the sweatiness of the donor (or however a doner-maker is called technically), the salt content may finally drop to safer levels. And probably that delicious flavour is gone as well.

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    1. A. Coatsworth Silver badge
      Reply Icon
      Coat

      A sweat donor?

      Now, that's one mental image I could live without...

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  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I prefer Shish kebab

    At least then I know the meat hasn't been sitting in the shop window for 3 years. And you don't have to slather it with that wretched chili sauce stuff just to cut through the taste of greasy sheep asshole. It actually tastes kinda... good. I'm amazed anyone even eats the Doner.

    Okay it costs more and takes longer for them to fry up a Shish but if you're in a Kebab shop you evidently don't care about your money or have anywhere important to go.

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    1. ChrisC Silver badge
      Reply Icon

      You're visiting the wrong shops...

      ...if you're worried about the doner meat having been there for more than a few hours - any halfway decent purveyor of doner delights will get through so much meat each day that the stuff you see in front of you will almost certainly have been taken out of the cold store within the past couple of hours. Granted, if you're the first person in the shop after opening, you might end up getting the reheated remains of the previous evening, but other than that you ought to be safe.

      Mind you, anyone who considers chilli sauce to be wretched doesn't really deserve to have their opinions taken seriously ;-)

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  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Theme song

    Doner arigato Mr. Robotu?

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  13. The_Police!
    Terminator

    I for one

    welcome our new Doner Machine Overlords!

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  14. Nigel Brown
    Pint

    Up yours health nazis

    You can have my doner kebab when you prise it from my cold dead fingers.

    Probably about 15 minutes after i've sucked the grease from the pitta bread and licked out the polystyrene tray.

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    1. Anonymous Coward
      Reply Icon
      Anonymous Coward

      Oy...

      That was *my* line....

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  15. Chris Collins

    waterproofing

    Has anyone else noticed the post doner waterproof layer you get on the lower half of your face? Very good at maintaining warmth, repelling fluids etc

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    1. Anonymous John
      Reply Icon

      waterproofing comment

      Ideal for swimming the Channel then?

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    2. Beelzeebub
      Reply Icon
      Flame

      Water repellent?

      Does it have WD40 in it, then?

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  16. John Smith 19 Gold badge
    Coat

    You mean the doner is *not* the worlds sweatiest animal?

    That can only be killed by a skewer in its bottom hole?

    Mine will have a lovingly cherished copy of the Best of Spitting Image in the side pocket.

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  17. s. pam Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    The "Mericans are converted at their bases

    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704131404575117521117390964.html

    Basicaly, a real laugh of a meal!

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    1. Andus McCoatover
      Reply Icon

      Dede Med's Shawarma House?

      I get adverts daily from there*. In my 'spam' folder. Didn't know they'd deliver internationally. nor make spam fritters.

      *Well, for "Med's", anyway.

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  18. George Nacht
    Joke

    Donner Kebab?!?

    Who in their right mind would name a meaty fast food product after a tragically cannibalized Donner Party? Oh, he´s German AND Turkish....

    OK then....

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    1. Captain DaFt
      Reply Icon
      Thumb Up

      So it's not just me...

      That sees it as "Donner kabob" every time it's mentioned!

      Whew!

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  19. Graham Bartlett

    @Alacrity Fitzhugh

    Nooooo! Don't do it!!! Don't tell the Greeks and Turks that actually the people in both countries are ethnically identical, eat exactly the same food, and have pretty much the same traditions. Let them treasure their ignorance of it, otherwise there'd be no reason for them to want to kick the sh*t out of each other.

    Honestly, some people. Next thing you know he'll be saying "So, these Irish Catholics and Protestants - what's different about them then?"

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  20. Kebabbert

    Kebab

    for Kebab-bert! Dil-bert. Kebab-bert. :o)

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  21. Steen Hive
    Joke

    Ah good lamb doner

    Is food of the Gods.

    Protein, carbs, raw veg all in a handy package.

    The 12 pints of lager people usually have beforehand has nothing to do with the health problem at all, right?

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  22. Lee Humphries
    Pint

    Ahmet is so not the first

    This was broadcast on Aussie TV last year:

    http://www.abc.net.au/tv/newinventors/txt/s2652400.htm

    Or you can do a search for "australia new inventors kebab" and end up at the appropriately named page:

    http://www.abc.net.au/tv/newinventors/inc/categories/InventionsByCat_FOOD.htm

    mmm... Inventions by Cat Food. - now we were talking about Kebabs weren't we?

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  23. Synonymous Coward

    FFDR-V1004?

    Those Germans sure know how to come up with a catchy name.

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  24. fch
    Coat

    The Mechanical Turk ...

    ... thought that was a piece from cybernetical prehistory, eventually found to be a fake ?

    Getting my coat to buy one once they've oursourced operating the device to India. Doner Tikka Masala - how more fake fusion could it be ?

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  25. Luiz Abdala
    Pirate

    Interesting...

    That kind of food resembles what, around here in Brazil, we call "Greek Barbeque". I guess the same health violations and liability about the places and conditions where it is served apply.

    If you can eat a chunk of those and not drop dead of septicaemia (other name Google translator suggested was blood poisoning, sue me) in 12 hours, you can eat just about anything. ANYTHING.

    I had to try very hard to ignore all the pigeons flapping around the places that sold it here. (We all know that pigeons are winged rats when it comes to diseases, right? Right.)

    The sweat of the guy cutting it is smallest of your concerns. The thick cover of fat is the second smallest. Your primary thought should be "How long can I survive without food?" instead of "Will it kill me in 12 or 24 hours of excrutiating bowel agony?" when considering eating this.

    Be sure to check the loo after eating it, your lower intestines along with your liver might be floating there.

    The thing has "Jolly Rogers" written all over it, even before being put on display.

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    1. Andus McCoatover
      Reply Icon

      Anything, indeed!

      I'm lucky, I guess.

      I'm amazed at my constitution. I've been to some fairly exotic places and eaten weird* stuff. For example, it's said the Chinese will eat anything with 4 legs, except a table...And a lot (to a Westerner) stranger. Monkey-brains? Live fish, anyone? Sushi's just no longer fresh in comparison. I so miss tripe and onions...Kebab? Fattier the better. Back-of-my-hand to any attempt to make it 'elf'y, let alone saf'ty. Plate of sheep's eyes? They'll see me through the week. (groan!)

      Yet, while my companions - eating the same meal were, in an hour, calling for God on the 'Big White Telephone' in their hotel bathrooms, I was calling the waiter for more food.

      *Weird. Proof the rule about 'i' before 'e' except after 'c' is bollox. I almost had a seizure when I discovered that. Oh, and that....

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