back to article The Register Opera Company presents: The Pirates of Penzance, Sysadmin edition

Why look at that, it’s 07:00 GMT Friday, the slot when The Register usually runs “On-Call”, our tales of tech support woes. But this Friday is Good Friday, so much of the Reg-reading world has the day off. We therefore decided to deviate a little from the On-Call template with this contribution from reader “Patrick”, who is …

  1. Noonoot

    Pronunuciation of superfic'ial

    To make the rhyming work you have to pronounce superficial and artificial with the stress on the last 'i' :-)

    Superfic-eeal, artific-eeal....

    Btw, where I am we don't get Good Friday off.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    OK, that was....

    Different...

    Is it April 1st yet ?

    1. handleoclast
      Coat

      Re: OK, that was....

      Is it April 1st yet ?

      Not yet.

      But it will soon be Easter Day. The ideal opportunity to nail yourself to a cross and shout "I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!"

      Note: it only works if you do it before midday.

      1. JulieM Silver badge

        Re: OK, that was....

        Note: it only works if you do it before midday.
        Which is actually at 13:00 in 7the Northern hemisphere, due to daylight saving: the Sun has not noticed we're pretending it's an hour later than it really is.

        1. handleoclast

          Re: OK, that was....

          Which is actually at 13:00

          You've forgotten about the equation of time. There's an extra (approx) 2 minutes 40 second difference between solar noon and clock time at this time of year.

          Oh, but if you're working to solar time there's an even bigger correction for longitude that has to be made to compensate between clock time and local solar time.

          To be honest, I think most people just go by clock time. But that's cheating. :)

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ooh, tempting

    I've done a lot of filks in my time. Currently the only thing I have in my head is Adele threatening to stick wires in your brain, but I'll use the long weekend productively, then try to come up with a song at work next week.

    1. Noonoot

      Re: Ooh, tempting

      "come up with a song at work next week."

      Can you make it Easterish with frollicking lambs and cuddly bunnies?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Ooh, tempting

        Happy tree friends style? I'll have to see.

      2. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

        Re: Ooh, tempting

        Easterish with frollicking lambs

        My Easter lamb has done with frollicking, and will be celebrating the event with roast potatoes and a nice rosemary gravy.

        The bunnies, I expect, will be chocolate.

        1. jake Silver badge

          Re: Ooh, tempting

          Nope. The easter bunnies are harvested the day after the easter lambs. Not my favorite job, but somebody's got to feed the people who don't know where food comes from.

        2. Chris G

          Re: Ooh, tempting

          Mary had a little lamb

          Full of fun and frollicks

          It jumped up

          Into the air

          And landed on it's......

          A pity I can't upvote the ditty.

          1. jake Silver badge

            Re: Ooh, tempting

            Mary had a little lamb

            with mashed potatoes, proper gravy and peas&carrots.

            Mint sauce on the side (thankfully).

          2. Dr. G. Freeman

            Re: Ooh, tempting

            Mary had a little lamb,

            She tied it to a pylon,

            Ten thousand volts went up its bum,

            And turned its wool to nylon.

            1. Stumpy

              Re: Ooh, tempting

              Mary had a little lamb,

              She also had a duck,

              She put them in a cardboard box,

              To see if they would ... get along well together.

              1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
                Coat

                Re: Ooh, tempting

                Mary had a little lamb.

                The doctors were surprised.

                When Old MacDonald had a farm,

                They couldn't believe their eyes.

                1. Yet Another Hierachial Anonynmous Coward

                  Re: Ooh, tempting

                  Mary had a little lamb.

                  A spokesperson for the hospital said mother and baby were doing well, but the doctor and midwife were under heavy sedation.

                  Merry Christmas all!

                  1. Chemical Bob
                    Devil

                    Re: Ooh, tempting

                    Mary had a little lamb

                    Her appetites were funny

                    We never, ever did find out

                    Where she stuffed the bunny

                    1. Fungus Bob

                      Re: Ooh, tempting

                      Mary had a little lamb

                      She thought it tasted yummy

                      The mashed potatoes weren't so good

                      They turned out rather gummy

                      1. sad_loser

                        Re: Ooh, tempting

                        Mary had a little lamb

                        And it was always grunting

                        She tied it to a five bar gate

                        And kicked its little head in.

              2. jake Silver badge

                Re: Ooh, tempting

                Wasn't it Bang Bang Susie who had a little duck? And wasn't it a table, not a cardboard box? Too much spilt milk under the ol' bridge ...

                (Do kids learn this kind of pseudo-rude nonsense song (cadence?) anymore? Or has the entire concept been swept under the table as being politically incorrect?)

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Ooh, tempting

        "Can you make it Easterish with frollicking lambs and cuddly bunnies?"

        Unlike BBC Radio 4 who at the end of this morning's programme played a song about someone being nailed to a cross. Reminds me of my primary school days. When we had to spend the morning in church singing such bloody songs - before we were officially allowed to start enjoying the end of term two week holiday.

    2. Soruk

      Re: Ooh, tempting

      I will need to dig out my rework of "When I'm cleaning windows", appropriately named "When I'm cleaning Windows".

  4. frank ly
    Pint

    That was good

    A virtual pint to Patrick.

    What would be good now is a song about someone in high office who's been appointed beyond their level of competence, ability, experience and suitability. Is there anybody who fits that description?

    1. Blockchain commentard

      Re: That was good

      PHB from Dilbert me thinks.

    2. Christoph

      Re: That was good

      "Is there anybody who fits that description?"

      "I've got a little list"

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: That was good

        He's making a list,

        checking it's right,

        scoping out future

        accident sites...

      2. jake Silver badge

        Re: That was good

        A list of names that were made known to the Secretary of State?

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: That was good

      " Is there anybody who fits that description?"

      Spoilt for choice. A significant proportion of the Westminster Cabinet?

    4. Rusty 1

      Re: That was good

      Ah ha! You'll be looking for Peter.

  5. Michael Hoffmann Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Bravo!

    I do have a baritone voice (though, until I get rid of this lingering cold, more a basso) and a friend who is an opera soprano. I wonder... with some coaching by her... and the appropriate "uniform" (short sleeve shirt with pocket protector and a tie, natch)...

    Of course, I will now be humming this for the next month or so.

  6. David Robinson 1

    12 Bugs of Christmas

    A bit out of season and I cannot claim ownership, but a surprisingly useful way of handling bugs.

    http://www.davedoyle.com/prof/pastProjects/Nerd/humor/xmas/bugsofxmas.html

  7. john.w

    For the Analytical Chemists

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGM-wSKFBpo

    1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: For the Analytical Chemists

      Mandatory upvote for Tom Lehrer

  8. Chris King

    From an earlier On-Call...

    I'm reminded of a time when our former CTO wanted everything in VMware, and there were various factions doing distributed computing in different ways...

    To the tune of "Every Sperm iIs Sacred", from Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life"... TAke it away, Eric the Orchestra Leader !

    Every Hertz is sacred

    Every Hertz is great

    If a Hertz is wasted

    God gets quite irate

    Let the Griddies spill theirs

    On the dusty ground

    God shall make them pay

    For every Hertz that can't be found

    Every Hertz is wanted

    Every Hertz is good

    Every Hertz is needed

    In your neighbourhood

    Windows, Linux, MacOS

    Spill theirs just anywhere

    But God loves those who share their

    Hertz on VMware

    Every Hertz is sacred

    Every Hertz is great

    If a Hertz is wasted

    God gets quite irate

    Every Hertz is sacred

    Every Hertz is good

    Every Hertz is needed

    In your neighbourhood

    Every Hertz is useful

    Every Hertz is fine

    God needs everybody's

    Mine And mine And mine

    Let the Griddies spill theirs

    O'er mountain, hill and plain

    God shall strike them down for

    Every Hertz that's spilt in vain

    Every Hertz is sacred

    Every Hertz is good

    Every Hertz is needed

    In your neighbourhood

    Every Hertz is sacred

    Every Hertz is great

    If a Hertz is wasted

    God gets quite irate

  9. Aqua Marina

    I Had an IBM job

    And then I lost my job

    And heaven knows

    I'm miserable now

    1. Aladdin Sane

      Made me think of this. Appropriate for this time of year.

    2. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken
  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Anyone know how to do single line breaks in these comments?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Would be nice. Any line return, or multiples thereof, always formats as a paragraph single blank line in the posted version. I have tried the <PRE> tag but it has no effect.

    2. jake Silver badge

      Nope.

      Folks have been asking for proper text formatting since commentarding began. Apparently, ElReg has more important things to do.

    3. Martin an gof Silver badge

      Anyone know how to do single line breaks in these comments?

      • The only way I know how is to use an unordered list (ul) but you end up with
      • an indent
      • and a bullet
      • and you have to write it all on one line
      • and not forget both the (li) and (/li) tags

      There are also (blockquote), (code) and (pre) tags available

      but they're no better

      Even trying to fake it using (sub)

      and (sup) tags doesn't work.

      M.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        So let's just test whether this works...

        Disclaimer: This filk may take severe liberties with the cyber conversion process, or may actually be more realistic than the one portrayed in Dr Who. Tradmarks included should be considered to be abused wantonly, I am not Adele and nor am I a Dell.

        • I let it fall, the dark
        • as evening came my senses sharpened.
        • Heard your heart, and you were breathing,
        • Then you passed by me, and I saw you.
        • Your arms were strong, but your skin was far too weak
        • It broke down in my grasp as I pulled you from your feet.
        • Cause there's a side to me that you never knew, never knew,
        • All the things you thought they were never true, never true.
        • It's a game to me and I'll always win, always win!
        • So I stuck wires in your brain
        • nanites crawling up through your veins
        • Well it hurt and you tried
        • but they stopped you screaming out in pain, such pain.
        • When I work on you, place electrodes
        • on your eyes. Blurring thoughts together,
        • Changing you forever everything's better.
        • 'cause there's a side to me that you never knew, never knew,
        • These new thoughts of yours they were never true, never true,
        • I'll rewrite your brain and I'll always win, always win!
        • 'cause I stuck wires in your brain,
        • watched you writhe as they pierced your face,
        • well it burned in your mind,
        • but I stopped you screaming out in pain, such pain.
        • I stuck wires into you brain
        • and pumped sugru into your veins
        • You weren't well, would have died,
        • but it worked out better than last time, than last time.
        • Some days there's something in your face,
        • The mind you had must be somewhere inside you.
        • Even now you've left the human race,
        • Somehow your still searching to find "you".
        • 'cause I stuck wires in your brain,
        • watched you writhe as they pierced your face,
        • well it burned in your mind,
        • but I stopped you screaming out in pain, such pain.
        • I stuck wires into you brain
        • Dr Pepper coating your veins
        • You weren't well, would have died,
        • but it worked out better than last time, than last time.
        • Oh, no,
        • Cyberman, oh
        • Cyberman,
        • Cyberman...

  11. John Crisp

    Damn....

    fine effort

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I wonder how many of the millennials would recognise G&S songs? In the 1960s they were commonplace. Boys schools could do musical productions which only required a couple of significant women characters.

    One of our VIth Form boys was an avid G&S fan. He used to sing his Geology litany to "Modern Major General" as an aid to memory.

    1. Aladdin Sane

      I know this is from Pirates in Mens' Pants, and I'm technically a millenial.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      G+S

      Didn't he sing about Claire, back in the olde days?

    3. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

      Gilbert reckoned that "The Gondoliers" would last throughout the twentieth century, and in "The Pirates of Penzance", the plot device expires in 1940. (And Japan copped it in 1945.) But a modern young audience has any amount of new silly songs to choose from.

      CBeebies (BBC for toddlers) is putting on "The Tempest" today. From looking in, they cut away frequently to William Shakespeare explaining the action to one of his Kickstarters, they get through it in about an hour, and I'm nearly sure that Sir John Gielgud in the buff won't be involved. If you'd prefer to see the Clangers, I don't disagree. :-)

  13. Mr Dogshit

    A colleague once wrote a song to the tune of Downtown by Petula Clark.

    It was called Downtime.

    1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      And then there's the Backup Song, the tune should be obvious:

      http://altlasten.lutz.donnerhacke.de/mitarb/lutz/usenet/yesterday.html

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        RS232 Interface Lead

        Lets not forget the spendid efforts of Spitting Image and their joyful ode to the ubuiquitous RS232 interface lead. I'm sure it must be on you-tube but can't be bothered to look for it.

        Or Lennon+McCartney et al......

        Yesterday.....

        All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

        Suddenly....

        All my files have gone away.

        Oh how I yearn for yesterday.

        1. Aqua Marina

          Re: RS232 Interface Lead

          RS232 Interface Lead

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDlj0jBtYmQ

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "And treat me as they would a piece of effluent posterial"

    Scans, rhymes, and an innovative euphemism - 10/10

  15. Anonymal coward

    First seen in 'DataLink'

    A version of that came out on the back page of 'DataLink' these many decades ago - "I am the very model of a modern systems analyst.."

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: First seen in 'DataLink'

      Hahn's "The UNIX Companion" included "The Unix Sysadmin Song" in 1995.

      ::eyeballs network:: here ya go.

  16. Richard Tobin

    For the biblical philologists among you

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3x2SvqhfevE

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Excellent

    Well played indeed Patrick! The line "Frustrating when respondents have the intellect of sausage rolls" actually made me lol. :-)

  18. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge

    South Africa

    Mary had a little lamb

    And the EFF expropriated it without compensation

    1. FrankAlphaXII

      Re: South Africa

      The EFF are too twacked out of their red berets on nyaope. The only thing they're expropriating is each other's drugs and cheap booze at the shabeen. It was the ANC hooking up one of Ramaphosa's cronies with a free farm, while the DA sat there and threatened them with the ConCourt and the FF+ kept preaching to a choir.

  19. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken
    1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: the backup song

      Backup, backup song (for when it all goes to sh*t):

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJUhlRoBL8M

  20. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    Ah! Memories!

    Mu cousin's school used to do an annual G&S production (to an incredibly high standard), and I was allowed to attend a performance each year free - Mum had to pay. I got sucked in rather, and learned most of the plot lines and songs. However, as my school was somewhat less {cough} refined {cough} the instinct for self preservation kicked in and I never shared this with my school mates.

  21. Andy Landy

    If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port

    can't believe no-one has mentioned this classic yet:

    http://geneziegler.com/clocktower/DrSeuss.html

  22. Mark 85

    In the Dick Clark traditon..

    I'll give it an 8 for lyrics,. It's a catchy tune but I'm not sure we can dance to it so a 3 for a total of 11.

  23. Adrian 4

    How can you forget this one ?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1S1fISh-pag

  24. Alistair
    Pint

    Sorry, If we're gonna take on that song

    This guy did it best.

  25. onefang

    Another Bug In The Code, Part 2

    Way back in 2015 I wrote this, sung to the tune of a well known Pink Floyd song, from one of their more famous albums. I've been a programmer for longer than I've been a musician, so I refactored out the duplications, to avoid The Wall of text. Insert David Gilmour guitar solo where appropriate.

    We don't need no compilation.

    We don't need no source control.

    No damn subversion in the repo.

    Coders leave them bugs alone.

    Hey! Coders! Leave them bugs alone!

    All in all, it's just another bug in the code.

    All in all, put just another bug in the code.

    Crashed, run it again!

    If you don't edit yer code, you can't have any debugging. How can you have any debugging if you don't edit yer code?

    You! Yes you behind the segfaults, STAND STILL LADDIE!

  26. Real Ale is Best

    Animaniacs!

    I always liked the Animaniacs version: I am the very model of a cartoon individual.

    A series sadly not only not continued, but also not repeated!

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