back to article BOFH: Defenestration, a solution to Solutions To Problems We Don't Have

"The thing is," I explain to James, "the vast majority of management bright ideas aren't – they're just stuff which keeps the Boss occupied till lunchtime firing off urgent emails about problems we don't have." "Then after lunch he'll send maybe three or four more emails," the PFY adds, "at least two of which will want updates …

  1. Your alien overlord - fear me

    Any one else noticed that the BOFH seems to be very chatty with other IT staff. I remember the days James would have a little accident asking for code. And the boss would have followed soon after.

    1. Captain Scarlet Silver badge

      They can only make the RAID array crash on their CCTV system crash so many times.

    2. Solmyr ibn Wali Barad

      Ah, mister Bond, since you'll be dead soon, let me explain it to you...

    3. BebopWeBop

      I think the BOFH and the PFY are genuinely interested, maybe fascinated, and maybe even thinking that he had potential and just needs a little bringing on. A little like the occasional young animal who wanders into the middle of a pride of Lions, appears to be taken care of by one of the animals and miraculously almost escapes (before one of the others spots lunch on the hoof)

    4. FeRDNYC

      He's getting soft in his middle age, what with this thinking people's lives have value. He clearly seems to believe that James isn't too far gone to be turned to the Light Side of the Duct Tape, but putting in the effort to do so is definitely unlike him. Those reassurances about the drop out the window being only two stories were similarly out of character.

      1. Pirate Dave Silver badge
        Pirate

        "He's getting soft in his middle age,"

        Well, he did fall for that consultant gal a few years ago. Emotionally and literally, if memory serves... The goalposts tend to move as you get older - sometimes things that were fun in your 30's seem like more trouble than they are worth in your 40's.

    5. Kiwi

      I remember the days James would have a little accident asking for code.

      Lots of other times he's been "nice" to people. Like when he had to work with this one young fella while planning the young guy's demise - the young guy quickly became the PFY. Or back when the BOFH was in one of his managerial roles (systems I believe, rather than operator) - he got sick of the operators being nice to people and started to train them. Well, one of them - the other quit the job when he heard Simon wanted to talk to him.

      Some times he's taken a person and turned them into a BOFH or at least BOFH-larvae, other times he's simply needed a well-trained fall guy. The boss often follows those guys with a bit less training, and a bit more falling. (El Reg, when you finally get round to adding another row of icons, something in the form of "splat" (not necessarily an actual picture of but useful to signify someone taking a multi-story fall) could be nice as well. Maybe it should be a couple of rows?)

    6. -tim
      Pint

      I figure the BOFH and the PFY do have some work that has to happen and we all know they aren't about to do any real work. Maybe they have a need for a warm body to do real work.

    7. Cobug

      I think it's because James is young, still a student he can become a PFY with the BOFH's mentoring.

  2. John G Imrie

    Re: James

    Either he is about to go native with the BOFH and the PFY or he is about to end up as a cushion between the Boss and some scaffolding carelessly left below the Boss's window. Place your bets as to which.

    1. VanguardG

      Re: James

      Recall that the PFY himself started as "Green and Keen" lo, so many years ago, even answering the phone when users called...and taking down messages.

      Batman's first Robin eventually went off on his own as Nightwing, and Batman got a new Robin - this happened several times.

      Just perhaps, the PFY is ready to graduate to BOFH-dom of his own, and depart the crucible, making way for PFY, Junior.

    2. Mark 85

      @John G Imrie -- Re: James

      My money is on your concept... no "outsider" ever learns the real secrets and lives tell about it.

  3. Chris King

    Defenestration

    My new office windows open out even further than the old ones, so I've been telling people I can defenestrate them and they won't even touch the glass.

    Okay, so I'm only one floor up, but if I time it right there's always the bin lorry to deal with.

  4. Chris King

    "Does anyone care that I'm a bear ?"

    Check out the Dilbert animated episode "The Takeover", where executives throw themselves out of a window (including the PHB).

    Turns out it's a ground floor window and they're all piled up on top of each other.

    "Take me home Saint Peter ! Why hast thou forsaken me ?"

    "Because you were an atheist until you hit the ground"

    "Mental note: Find religion first !"

  5. chivo243 Silver badge
    Devil

    BOFH is playing the long game

    Just wait... James/Jimmy will get close to the inner circle of the BOFH and PFY, may even orbit there for a while, but as the saying goes, 'the office isn't big enough for the two of us!'

    1. FeRDNYC

      Re: BOFH is playing the long game

      Jimmy James was my favorite "Newsradio" character. I love Stephen Root.

      1. fredds

        Re: BOFH is playing the long game

        One of the funniest scenes ever was the time he proposed marriage to the female checking his books.

  6. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    The plot thickens, slowly

    Very interesting developments

  7. earl grey
    Pint

    great way to start out the weekend

    And that includes a power out at work location!

    Have one to get started (and then have another!).

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Pint

    Seven pints

    Is no one going to challenge the 7 pints figure?

    :-)

    1. Tom 7

      Re: Seven pints

      Not challenge as such. More bias-confirmation research. Top drawer research too!

    2. Montreal Sean

      Re: Seven pints

      Must be session beer.

      :)

      1. Toni the terrible Bronze badge
        Pint

        Re: Seven pints

        Nah, Old Peculiar

    3. Marshalltown
      Pint

      Re: Seven pints

      If all it takes to commit memory erasure is just seven pints, they're a bunch of light weights.

      1. Korev Silver badge
        Alien

        Re: Seven pints

        Yeah, what ever happened to the BOFH's bulk eraser?

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Window

    "Not after he falls out of a window later today he won't..."

    Not after James assists him out of a window later today he won't...!

  10. anothercynic Silver badge

    Dear Simon...

    You're going soft... that James fella *has* to go. He's sniffing around too much ;-)

    1. Kiwi
      Flame

      Re: Dear Simon...

      You're going soft... that James fella *has* to go. He's sniffing around too much ;-)

      Have faith. When has someone ever beaten the boss, and been alive the following week? Even the PFY got his fingers burnt a few times. Perhaps James will soon be using saliva as an orally-supplied replacement for dilute mineral salts to improve the connection of a mains plug.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Having a computer log of who is in the building

    This was suggested for our building; where we occupy floors 2-4. On the ground and first floor there is

    another bunch.

    If a fire happens on the lower floors, who will go get a paper printout of who should have been there?

    1. Kevin Johnston

      Re: Having a computer log of who is in the building

      Kind of reminds me of an airline who shall not be named

      One of their aircraft over-ran the runway and after it stopped the crew stood up, opened the doors and said...

      Follow me

    2. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Having a computer log of who is in the building

      And when a set of ladders crashes up against the bosses windows...

      And when some Joe in a blue shirt and a hardhat starts drilling holes in the wall outside the window...

      And when the boss leans out of the window and asks what is going on...

      And when Joe answers and says "I'm just installing a swipe point. Ready for testing. Have you got your access card by any chance?"...

      And the boss looks puzzled and gets out his swipe card and leans out of the windows to hand it to Joe...

      And when the boss comes round several days later in hospital and is told that he failed to swipe out of the building on the way down...

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Having a computer log of who is in the building

      But if you have access to the card system you can script it to "correct" the timings for selected cards.

      IT Support always in on time, short lunches, and out just after the home time or late if trying to build up overtime.

      Bosses card always 5 mins late entering the building overly long lunches and leaves 5 minutes early every day

      1. Fatman
        Joke

        Re: Having a computer log of who is in the building

        <quote>Bosses card always 5 mins late entering the building overly long lunches and leaves 5 minutes early every day.</quote>

        Not quite right

        Bosses card log him entering the building, and the script erases that entry 5 minutes later, and does the same when he exits; so his attendance is essentially unprovable. Higher ups fire said boss for absenteeism. """The computer doesn't LIE!!!"""

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Having a computer log of who is in the building

          Boss sues company for breach of data protection act and wins due to logging only being intended for seeing who is in the building in case of a fire and not for tracking employees arrival / departure times.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Having a computer log of who is in the building

      In a building we co-occupied.

      there were 2 "extra" unallocated un traceable cards on the system with "Full Access to the whole Building"

      one for Me and one for the Owner of the company. never underestimate the value of giving the night security Guard unfiltered internet and being owed a favour by the owner.

  12. MJI Silver badge

    I think we see

    An apprentice PFY here.

    1. 2Nick3

      Re: I think we see

      I'm wondering if Simon will retire as the BOFH, Steven gets promoted to BOFH, and James becomes the new PFY.

      The PFY has pretty much mastered the BOFH skills to this point, it might be time for him to fly. No, not out the window - that's reserved for the boss!

  13. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge

    our turd

    is'nt in the bosses drawer.... it ended up in the chair......

  14. Sir Sham Cad

    I sense James will end up partaking in the seven pints challenge in order to forget what Simon has told him about the long lunches and premediated maiming and will unfortunately end up under a bus as he's not fully practised yet in the BOFHly art of Lager.

    Which reminds me, I need to get my practise in.

  15. Terry 6 Silver badge
    Flame

    Sigh

    So they give you 50k for, say, for new servers. If you spend 40k then the beancounters will tell you that you must only need 40k next year. If you spend the 50k you budgeted they'll take 5k off next year's budget for cost cutting and if you spend 60k they'll take 10k of next year's 50k to make up the shortfall."

    Worse than that, as a new manager in an education service I learnt this the hard way. ( I should have guessed from the cupboards full of envelopes I inherited.) In my first year I drew up a month-by-month budget for my team of teachers and off-site classes. Around February the bean counters withdrew what I hadn't spent (yet) because I hadn't spent it (yet) despite being shown the schedule. It went to cover an overspend in the Top Brass budget, none of whom ever went anywhere near a child, let alone actually teaching them. Then in my second year they tried to cut my budget because I hadn't spent it all the previous year.

    1. Marshalltown

      Re: Sigh

      While acquiring my BA at a State University way back in the late '70s, we were perpetually short of funds in the sciences because the president of the university proudly would turn back funds to the state each year. We would beg for funds for equipment but were consistently refused. At the same time good instructors were heading for life boats since there was no chance they would get a raise. The president in question was felicitously equipped with the same handle as a certain well known "double-ought" agent, no fooling. It was a school laugh.

    2. Uffish

      Re: Sigh

      My Physics teacher at school once said to the class, "I'll tell you something that will be useful for you in later life. I want to order four rheostats but if I do that the county council administrators will automatically cut the number to one, so I am ordering two dozen".

  16. Dave 32
    Pint

    Basement

    Sadly, over here, they often put I/T departments in the basement. It does make it a bit more challenging to push the boss out the window, but, where there's a will... ;-)

    Dave

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Basement

      don't you have a 'sub-basement' comms room, that is only accessable via a hatch and constantly flooded, due to 'bad winter storms' and home to a school or 2 or pirhanna?

    2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Basement

      "Sadly, over here, they often put I/T departments in the basement. It does make it a bit more challenging to push the boss out the window"

      Insist he needs to see for himself the critical problem that's just developed with the cooling plant of the roof.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: Basement

        We have a sump in the sub basement because Thames, sewers etc. Under an airtight manhole cover.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    More cattle prods...

    I just remembered... I must check if those electric bug zappers shaped as rackets accept some tweaking and over-powering of all the components...

    The device is very capable by itself, delivering 3000V charges for the unlucky mosquito to come near it. Minor tweaking should allow outstanding, heart-stopping upgrades for it.

    1. pffut
      Mushroom

      Re: More cattle prods...

      > heck if those electric bug zappers shaped as rackets accept some tweaking and over-powering of all the components...

      If nothing else they can be gutted and the innards replaced with one of those x00.000V step-up modules available off eBay... For instance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAPhtpMftC8

    2. annodomini2
      Devil

      Re: More cattle prods...

      Replace the circuitry with a motorbike ignition coil and a 9v battery.

  18. Herby

    STPWDH

    I just found a new acronym to use in everyday life.

    Unfortunately these exist in too many places.

    Hopefully BOFHs of all stripes strive to squash them as quickly as possible in as obscure way as possible, thus the phrase "we'll think about it".

    Gotta love it!

    1. YodaDaCoda

      Re: STPWDH

      I must be particularly dense today. I still can't figure out what STPWDH means! Could someone please (literally) spell it out for me? Thanks!

      1. Mark 85

        Re: STPWDH

        The answer is just above the abbreviation...... "a solution to a problem we don't have."'

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    There's no such thing as budgets

    True and Not True at the same time (Ha! Boolean to you as well)

    True Story.

    Back in my days as a fledgling manager in an about to be privatised UK telecoms operator, I got lumbered with a need to spend £132k in a hurry to secure the IP rights to something or other. I went to meet our Chief Engineer at about 8.00pm with all the paperwork and sense of trepidation only to be met by a nice bloke who calmly explained that this sort of thing happens all the time. He found a "budget" that had precisely £0 in it and was not suitably named for the purpose. A quick name modification and we quickly overspent that budget by the said £132K.

    Needless to say my rather clueless appreciation of budgeting (rather than accounting) was updated to v2.0 PDQ. What I liked about my CE is that not only did he do this with panache but he took the time to explain to me what was going on. In brief, there are always projects that overspend or underspend their budgets for good reason. Sometimes there are unforeseen needs that cannot be met without a budget so you create a few sleeper budgets which you can spend from even if there is no cash. As long as there are underspends that can be balanced at the end of the day all is well and good. The CE knew of underspends in his area of control and was happy to proceed. He explained that spending money for the right reason from a budget that didn't exist was far better than spending money for the wrong reason from a real budget. Controlling this aspect of work was why you have managers and not just accountants.

    I went away with my signed authorisation to spend money I didn't have sure in the knowledge that it was the right thing to do. I related this tale some time later to a financial account in the same company and he was completely furious. I know where my sympathies lie but I also know that there was a lot of money wasted on bad projects with budgets where the middle manager like myself chose to shade the truth. They would spend on lost causes just to keep their jobs alive. Its a difficult balance.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: There's no such thing as budgets - True Story.

      Yes.

      I worked for a company where the capex process was monstrously complicated and some genius in accounts required that all projects be turnkey (so no budgeting for pesky engineers would be required.) But then the opportunity came to steal a march on a competitor. We had a supplier of manufacturing equipment who was almost there but we needed to do some of the work. There was no budget provision for the product. By the time things had been through the feasibility - tender - install cycle in the normal way, two years would have passed.

      The group president came down. We made our pitch. He listened. Then he said to the CEO, "Let them spend the money. But I'm going to take the credit for spotting the opportunity." And that was it. A million dollar project just did an end run around the entire financial system.

      1. swm

        Re: There's no such thing as budgets - True Story.

        In research where I worked the research department was way under budget. Our comptroller bought platinum crucibles to make up the difference. After the books closed for the year he sold the platinum crucibles at a profit. Our comptroller both managed to save our budget but actually increased the next year's budget with precious metals speculation.

        Where there is a will there is a way.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Opening windows...

    My hell hole of a building is controlled by computers.

    Want to open a window, it's motor driven and computer controlled.

    Want to open a window when working a night shift and the air con is broken (it's always broken), the computer says no.

    So why won't my management allow me to open a window at night?

    It turns out they don't want us self-defenestrating, I am serious about this.

    I can do myself in on my own time and they don't care, that I understand.

    But if they have evidence to suggest night workers are suicidal and can go to the trouble of thinking about locking down the windows overnight it might be a good idea to come and talk to the people who work night shifts about how they cope. That has not happened, and I doubt it ever will.

    Thanks Uncle Rupert.

  21. zaphy42

    Classic!

    "The rest of the time his ideas are like a turd in a desk drawer. The nearer you get to it the more it smells – until you see it in all its glory. Then... the horror."

    I just spat my tea out at that one!

  22. Number6

    I'd say James is at a major decision point. Either he forgets about the code or he'll be checking out the window exit route. Or for added survival bonus he could just ask Simon what he'd like to see in the report on the code.

  23. Attitude Adjuster

    Zzzzzzzzz

    We had a trainee Ops Analyst in a few years ago, he was a bit too keen to please everybody but soon went up in everyone's estimation with one use of his mobile.

    One of the old Sysprogs had narcolepsy from a motorcycle accident and would often fall asleep at his desk, people would shake him to make sure he was okay.

    This particular day he'd fallen asleep editing a dataset and amazingly his nose had rested on the Z key filling the first line of the dataset with Z's.

    Rather than shake the grizzled, snoozing old techie to check he was okay, the PFY in training was using his mobile to snap a pic of the situation.

    We soon took him under our wing and moved him to the Storage Admin team. In z/OS-Land Storage is where the real bofh's ply their nefarious trades.

  24. tlhonmey

    I am rather surprised that it even got this far... He's subverted the security system already as has been shown many times... Why wouldn't he want there to be records proving once and for all that he was still in the building and not taking a long lunch?

    Or proving that the boss is still coming to work, even after he's fallen out the window... Makes it take longer for a replacement to show up.

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