Any one else noticed that the BOFH seems to be very chatty with other IT staff. I remember the days James would have a little accident asking for code. And the boss would have followed soon after.
BOFH: Defenestration, a solution to Solutions To Problems We Don't Have
"The thing is," I explain to James, "the vast majority of management bright ideas aren't – they're just stuff which keeps the Boss occupied till lunchtime firing off urgent emails about problems we don't have." "Then after lunch he'll send maybe three or four more emails," the PFY adds, "at least two of which will want updates …
COMMENTS
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Friday 7th April 2017 12:37 GMT BebopWeBop
I think the BOFH and the PFY are genuinely interested, maybe fascinated, and maybe even thinking that he had potential and just needs a little bringing on. A little like the occasional young animal who wanders into the middle of a pride of Lions, appears to be taken care of by one of the animals and miraculously almost escapes (before one of the others spots lunch on the hoof)
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Friday 7th April 2017 16:34 GMT FeRDNYC
He's getting soft in his middle age, what with this thinking people's lives have value. He clearly seems to believe that James isn't too far gone to be turned to the Light Side of the Duct Tape, but putting in the effort to do so is definitely unlike him. Those reassurances about the drop out the window being only two stories were similarly out of character.
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Monday 10th April 2017 14:26 GMT Pirate Dave
"He's getting soft in his middle age,"
Well, he did fall for that consultant gal a few years ago. Emotionally and literally, if memory serves... The goalposts tend to move as you get older - sometimes things that were fun in your 30's seem like more trouble than they are worth in your 40's.
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Saturday 8th April 2017 22:49 GMT Kiwi
I remember the days James would have a little accident asking for code.
Lots of other times he's been "nice" to people. Like when he had to work with this one young fella while planning the young guy's demise - the young guy quickly became the PFY. Or back when the BOFH was in one of his managerial roles (systems I believe, rather than operator) - he got sick of the operators being nice to people and started to train them. Well, one of them - the other quit the job when he heard Simon wanted to talk to him.
Some times he's taken a person and turned them into a BOFH or at least BOFH-larvae, other times he's simply needed a well-trained fall guy. The boss often follows those guys with a bit less training, and a bit more falling. (El Reg, when you finally get round to adding another row of icons, something in the form of "splat" (not necessarily an actual picture of but useful to signify someone taking a multi-story fall) could be nice as well. Maybe it should be a couple of rows?)
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Friday 7th April 2017 13:12 GMT VanguardG
Re: James
Recall that the PFY himself started as "Green and Keen" lo, so many years ago, even answering the phone when users called...and taking down messages.
Batman's first Robin eventually went off on his own as Nightwing, and Batman got a new Robin - this happened several times.
Just perhaps, the PFY is ready to graduate to BOFH-dom of his own, and depart the crucible, making way for PFY, Junior.
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Friday 7th April 2017 11:56 GMT Chris King
"Does anyone care that I'm a bear ?"
Check out the Dilbert animated episode "The Takeover", where executives throw themselves out of a window (including the PHB).
Turns out it's a ground floor window and they're all piled up on top of each other.
"Take me home Saint Peter ! Why hast thou forsaken me ?"
"Because you were an atheist until you hit the ground"
"Mental note: Find religion first !"
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Saturday 8th April 2017 22:55 GMT Kiwi
Re: Dear Simon...
You're going soft... that James fella *has* to go. He's sniffing around too much ;-)
Have faith. When has someone ever beaten the boss, and been alive the following week? Even the PFY got his fingers burnt a few times. Perhaps James will soon be using saliva as an orally-supplied replacement for dilute mineral salts to improve the connection of a mains plug.
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Friday 7th April 2017 14:01 GMT TRT
Re: Having a computer log of who is in the building
And when a set of ladders crashes up against the bosses windows...
And when some Joe in a blue shirt and a hardhat starts drilling holes in the wall outside the window...
And when the boss leans out of the window and asks what is going on...
And when Joe answers and says "I'm just installing a swipe point. Ready for testing. Have you got your access card by any chance?"...
And the boss looks puzzled and gets out his swipe card and leans out of the windows to hand it to Joe...
And when the boss comes round several days later in hospital and is told that he failed to swipe out of the building on the way down...
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Friday 7th April 2017 17:57 GMT Anonymous Coward
Re: Having a computer log of who is in the building
But if you have access to the card system you can script it to "correct" the timings for selected cards.
IT Support always in on time, short lunches, and out just after the home time or late if trying to build up overtime.
Bosses card always 5 mins late entering the building overly long lunches and leaves 5 minutes early every day
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Friday 7th April 2017 22:59 GMT Fatman
Re: Having a computer log of who is in the building
<quote>Bosses card always 5 mins late entering the building overly long lunches and leaves 5 minutes early every day.</quote>
Not quite right
Bosses card log him entering the building, and the script erases that entry 5 minutes later, and does the same when he exits; so his attendance is essentially unprovable. Higher ups fire said boss for absenteeism. """The computer doesn't LIE!!!"""
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Friday 7th April 2017 18:09 GMT Anonymous Coward
Re: Having a computer log of who is in the building
In a building we co-occupied.
there were 2 "extra" unallocated un traceable cards on the system with "Full Access to the whole Building"
one for Me and one for the Owner of the company. never underestimate the value of giving the night security Guard unfiltered internet and being owed a favour by the owner.
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Friday 7th April 2017 16:18 GMT Sir Sham Cad
I sense James will end up partaking in the seven pints challenge in order to forget what Simon has told him about the long lunches and premediated maiming and will unfortunately end up under a bus as he's not fully practised yet in the BOFHly art of Lager.
Which reminds me, I need to get my practise in.
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Friday 7th April 2017 17:20 GMT Terry 6
Sigh
So they give you 50k for, say, for new servers. If you spend 40k then the beancounters will tell you that you must only need 40k next year. If you spend the 50k you budgeted they'll take 5k off next year's budget for cost cutting and if you spend 60k they'll take 10k of next year's 50k to make up the shortfall."
Worse than that, as a new manager in an education service I learnt this the hard way. ( I should have guessed from the cupboards full of envelopes I inherited.) In my first year I drew up a month-by-month budget for my team of teachers and off-site classes. Around February the bean counters withdrew what I hadn't spent (yet) because I hadn't spent it (yet) despite being shown the schedule. It went to cover an overspend in the Top Brass budget, none of whom ever went anywhere near a child, let alone actually teaching them. Then in my second year they tried to cut my budget because I hadn't spent it all the previous year.
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Friday 7th April 2017 23:15 GMT Marshalltown
Re: Sigh
While acquiring my BA at a State University way back in the late '70s, we were perpetually short of funds in the sciences because the president of the university proudly would turn back funds to the state each year. We would beg for funds for equipment but were consistently refused. At the same time good instructors were heading for life boats since there was no chance they would get a raise. The president in question was felicitously equipped with the same handle as a certain well known "double-ought" agent, no fooling. It was a school laugh.
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Friday 7th April 2017 19:23 GMT Anonymous Coward
More cattle prods...
I just remembered... I must check if those electric bug zappers shaped as rackets accept some tweaking and over-powering of all the components...
The device is very capable by itself, delivering 3000V charges for the unlucky mosquito to come near it. Minor tweaking should allow outstanding, heart-stopping upgrades for it.
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Saturday 8th April 2017 06:13 GMT pffut
Re: More cattle prods...
> heck if those electric bug zappers shaped as rackets accept some tweaking and over-powering of all the components...
If nothing else they can be gutted and the innards replaced with one of those x00.000V step-up modules available off eBay... For instance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAPhtpMftC8
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Saturday 8th April 2017 00:27 GMT Anonymous Coward
There's no such thing as budgets
True and Not True at the same time (Ha! Boolean to you as well)
True Story.
Back in my days as a fledgling manager in an about to be privatised UK telecoms operator, I got lumbered with a need to spend £132k in a hurry to secure the IP rights to something or other. I went to meet our Chief Engineer at about 8.00pm with all the paperwork and sense of trepidation only to be met by a nice bloke who calmly explained that this sort of thing happens all the time. He found a "budget" that had precisely £0 in it and was not suitably named for the purpose. A quick name modification and we quickly overspent that budget by the said £132K.
Needless to say my rather clueless appreciation of budgeting (rather than accounting) was updated to v2.0 PDQ. What I liked about my CE is that not only did he do this with panache but he took the time to explain to me what was going on. In brief, there are always projects that overspend or underspend their budgets for good reason. Sometimes there are unforeseen needs that cannot be met without a budget so you create a few sleeper budgets which you can spend from even if there is no cash. As long as there are underspends that can be balanced at the end of the day all is well and good. The CE knew of underspends in his area of control and was happy to proceed. He explained that spending money for the right reason from a budget that didn't exist was far better than spending money for the wrong reason from a real budget. Controlling this aspect of work was why you have managers and not just accountants.
I went away with my signed authorisation to spend money I didn't have sure in the knowledge that it was the right thing to do. I related this tale some time later to a financial account in the same company and he was completely furious. I know where my sympathies lie but I also know that there was a lot of money wasted on bad projects with budgets where the middle manager like myself chose to shade the truth. They would spend on lost causes just to keep their jobs alive. Its a difficult balance.
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Sunday 9th April 2017 11:07 GMT Anonymous Coward
Re: There's no such thing as budgets - True Story.
Yes.
I worked for a company where the capex process was monstrously complicated and some genius in accounts required that all projects be turnkey (so no budgeting for pesky engineers would be required.) But then the opportunity came to steal a march on a competitor. We had a supplier of manufacturing equipment who was almost there but we needed to do some of the work. There was no budget provision for the product. By the time things had been through the feasibility - tender - install cycle in the normal way, two years would have passed.
The group president came down. We made our pitch. He listened. Then he said to the CEO, "Let them spend the money. But I'm going to take the credit for spotting the opportunity." And that was it. A million dollar project just did an end run around the entire financial system.
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Monday 10th April 2017 14:54 GMT swm
Re: There's no such thing as budgets - True Story.
In research where I worked the research department was way under budget. Our comptroller bought platinum crucibles to make up the difference. After the books closed for the year he sold the platinum crucibles at a profit. Our comptroller both managed to save our budget but actually increased the next year's budget with precious metals speculation.
Where there is a will there is a way.
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Saturday 8th April 2017 21:54 GMT Anonymous Coward
Opening windows...
My hell hole of a building is controlled by computers.
Want to open a window, it's motor driven and computer controlled.
Want to open a window when working a night shift and the air con is broken (it's always broken), the computer says no.
So why won't my management allow me to open a window at night?
It turns out they don't want us self-defenestrating, I am serious about this.
I can do myself in on my own time and they don't care, that I understand.
But if they have evidence to suggest night workers are suicidal and can go to the trouble of thinking about locking down the windows overnight it might be a good idea to come and talk to the people who work night shifts about how they cope. That has not happened, and I doubt it ever will.
Thanks Uncle Rupert.
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Friday 21st April 2017 19:56 GMT Attitude Adjuster
Zzzzzzzzz
We had a trainee Ops Analyst in a few years ago, he was a bit too keen to please everybody but soon went up in everyone's estimation with one use of his mobile.
One of the old Sysprogs had narcolepsy from a motorcycle accident and would often fall asleep at his desk, people would shake him to make sure he was okay.
This particular day he'd fallen asleep editing a dataset and amazingly his nose had rested on the Z key filling the first line of the dataset with Z's.
Rather than shake the grizzled, snoozing old techie to check he was okay, the PFY in training was using his mobile to snap a pic of the situation.
We soon took him under our wing and moved him to the Storage Admin team. In z/OS-Land Storage is where the real bofh's ply their nefarious trades.
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Tuesday 2nd May 2017 22:26 GMT tlhonmey
I am rather surprised that it even got this far... He's subverted the security system already as has been shown many times... Why wouldn't he want there to be records proving once and for all that he was still in the building and not taking a long lunch?
Or proving that the boss is still coming to work, even after he's fallen out the window... Makes it take longer for a replacement to show up.