back to article Baffled Scots cops call in priest to deal with unruly spirits

Scottish Police have been forced to turn to the Catholic Church after a family in South Lanarkshire were apparently subjected to a campaign of terror by a Chihuahua-levitating poltergeist. According to the Scottish Daily Record, police attended a house in Rutherglen, South Lanarkshire on August 8 and 9, following reports of …

  1. AbelSoul
    Trollface

    Rutherglen

    As someone who grew up nearby, I can confirm that "Ruggie" is teeming with spooky buggers.

  2. Baldy50

    Ray Parker Jr.

    Who ya gonna call?

    'local teenagers hanging around singing the Ghostbusters theme.' Well what did they expect?

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
      Alien

      Re: Ray Parker Jr.

      Better call The Laundry.

      It's not yet confirmed that this is related to the transdimensional monster "The Trump" trying to break through, but pundits are working on it.

      Or else it's just a glitch in The Matrix. Though I hear these occur mainly in Devon.

      1. Valeyard

        Re: Ray Parker Jr.

        Bob Oliver Francis Howard/BOFH time!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ray Parker Jr.

      > Who ya gonna call?

      Those! Bastards!

  3. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
    Happy

    ...the unfortunate mother complaining of both the media attention and local teenagers hanging around singing the Ghostbusters theme.

    Who says kids nowadays don't appreciate history? Mom needs to develop a sense of humor.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      History? Or a promo for the parody of the old movies now in theatres?

  4. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    'God will “soon admonish humanity in a very powerful manner.”'

    Do Farcebook, Twatter, Trump and Brexit count as admonishments?

    1. breakfast Silver badge

      It's happening already.

      I reckon the mark of an angry deity is almost certainly a chihuahua on a hedge.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: It's happening already.

        And the LORD spake unto Moses and said, 'Thou shalt fear me for I am mighty and there are no limits to the wonders I can achieve.'

        And the LORD saw the chihuahua of Moses and said, 'Behold! Children of Israel I shall lift this... this... What the hell is it? No, don't tell me, is it some kind of rodent? I certainly don't remember making one of those in Eden, but that sixth day was a right bugger to get right, just look at the platypus. Now where was I? Oh yes - Behold! Children of Israel...'

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: It's happening already.

        chihuahua's are well known to be the spawn of Satan. The one on the hedge probably caused all the mayhem.

        Anonymous: somebody out there likes them

        1. WolfFan Silver badge

          Re: It's happening already.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5m-ddwJtICU

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysnbg7z07kw

          Remember, boyz'n'grrlz, chihuahuas are wolves. Very small wolves, but wolves just the same. They certainly remember this. At least Redrum, my chihuahua, does. He does not believe in taking prisoners. You trespass on a chihuahua's territory at your own risk.

          1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

            Re: It's happening already.

            > You trespass on a chihuahua's territory at your own risk.

            Unless you happen to be a large ginger-and-white cat with a rampant (oo-er!) dislike of small dogs[1]. Speaking hypothetically of course..

            [1] More accurately - the great like for tormenting small dogs by proving (again) the vast superiority of the feline species over lowly canines. Especially canines that quite possibly qualify as "a light snack")

      3. hplasm
        Coat

        Re: It's happening already.

        "I reckon the mark of an angry deity is almost certainly a chihuahua on a hedge."

        And a dim looking fat red cat- oh, sorry I thought you said 'on the edge'...

      4. AndrueC Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: It's happening already.

        If that isn't a euphemism it certainly should be.

        Is that a chihuahua on your hedge or are you just pleased to see me?

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
          Joke

          Re: It's happening already.

          "Is that a chihuahua on your hedge or are you just pleased to see me?"

          I chihuahua on the hedge is worth two in the bush. Or is that the other way around?

  5. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

    More recently, he has suggested that God will “soon admonish humanity in a very powerful manner.”

    Oh dear. If he's right that can only mean that Trump will become the next president.

    1. Rich 11

      No doubt foreshadowed by a rain of frogs in Wichita, swarms of locusts in Topeka and an earthquake, um, levelling Kansas.

      God has a very bad aim. Pat Robertson always claims that New Orleans is the actual target.

      1. 404

        Leveling Kansas?

        Place is so flat now they only need one cell tower for Kansas and most of Nebraska....

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Leveling Kansas?

          Especially since most locals there believe Earth is flat thereby its curvature doesn't bother them...

    2. Triggerfish

      Thats right he will become president, and then if he gets to pick his horsemen judges, nothing you can do folks.

      Although the Seven daggers of Meggido people — maybe there is, I don’t know.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Just don't...

    Tell 'em about the twinkie...

    And if someone asks you if you're a god... you say yes...

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I Thought This Was an IT Webzine?

    Looks more like CBC's "Offbeat" :-(

    1. sabroni Silver badge

      Re: I Thought This Was an IT Webzine?

      It's in Bootnotes.

    2. NanoMeter

      Re: I Thought This Was an IT Webzine?

      Once in a while they post totally Off Topic articles. You need to deal with it.

  8. Chris G

    God will

    “soon admonish humanity in a very powerful manner.”

    So Hilarity and the Donald are going to form a coalition?

    End of days right there, I think.

    Not so sure about poltergeists in Scotland though; I reckon the Chihuahua did it after a couple o' bevies. Evil brutes!

  9. Uplink

    Vertical phone footage or it didn't happen

    What? No mobile phone recording? It sounds like there was plenty of time to record an episode of <Whatever ghost-hunting TV show you like>, so where's the reel?

    1. Mutton Jeff

      Re: Vertical phone footage or it didn't happen

      c'mon, you forgot the XKCD https://xkcd.com/1235/

  10. cd / && rm -rf *
    IT Angle

    Chihuahua-chucking poltergeists...

    And this is why I love elReg. Completely off the wall, zero relevance to IT and a fucking good laugh.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Chihuahua-chucking poltergeists...

      > off the wall

      Yep, I see what you did there.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Chihuahua-chucking poltergeists...

        Nah, he was just hedigng his bets

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    However, when they arrived, the cops themselves apparently “witnessed lights going off, clothes flying across the room…”. Oven doors were apparently opening and closing of their own accord, while lampshades were turned upside down.

    Are they sure someone didn't connect the house up to the IoT? This is the future people.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "Are they sure someone didn't connect the house up to the IoT?"

      If the IoT can levitate barking rats, count me in.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        ....must admit, I *might* be tempted to give up a little privacy for remote chihuahua-hurling abilities.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        @AC - no need. Chihuahuas are nippy little beggars, my Mum had one ('twas many, many,many moons ago) that every now and then would decide to race around the lounge including hurling itself at the back of the sofa which it would then run along near the top, at nearly 90 degrees to the vertical, doing a creditable 'Wall of Death' impression. Having witnessed that on multiple occasions, I wouldn't put it past any reasonably fit chihuahua to get up on top of a reasonably dense hedge should it choose to do so. Of course, getting itself down again might be a whole 'nother matter.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Yes, that's what happens when your IoT devices use selenium antennas and Gozer starts too look at data gathered from you...

  12. VinceH

    Pictures Videos or it didn't happen.

    If anything is a good case for the police having bodycams, this is it.

  13. Kubla Cant

    Amorth

    Am I the only one to think "Amorth" sounds like one of the entities an exorcist is supposed to get rid of?

    Is there a mole in the Vatican?

    1. Trollslayer
      Joke

      Re: Amorth

      No, that is the previous pope, He hasn't aged too well.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Amorth

      Maybe he's just defected from the Dark Side...

  14. Stevie

    Bah!

    No human being could stack a dog on a hedge like that.

  15. Big_Boomer Silver badge
    Coat

    Chucka

    Ladies and Gentlegeeks, I present for your delectation, the one, the only, RattaPult. Fully WiFi connected (bluetooth an optional extra) allowing you to pult your rat from anywhere in the world (subject to available internet connectivity). Mines the one with the IoT back massager and the collar speakers.

  16. My-Handle

    Applying the cynicism filter...

    Now I'm not saying that this is the case, but that cynical side of me is thinking that events went something like this...

    1. Son is bored, decides to trick his mum with a few pranks.

    2. Mum calls police, genuinely thinking a ghost has taken up residence, and the son doesn't own up either because he thinks this is hilarious or that things have gone much further than he thought and he doesn't have the bottle.

    3. Cops show up. It's a slow day, so they listen to the story and one or two of them decide to enter the spirit of things. Cue a few more sheets being surreptitiously thrown and an idea occurrs to put one over on the bosses.

    4. Bosses show up and are taken in. Exorcist and media are called.

    5. No-one is ever going to dream of owning up within the next few years, but the perpetrators are probably having a damn good laugh

    Or the place is haunted, whichever you prefer :)

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Applying the cynicism filter...

      " Cops ... decide to enter the spirit of things."

      Nice one.

    2. Christoph

      Re: Applying the cynicism filter...

      6. And don't even think of calling in actual experienced investigators who can pin down the entirely mundane cause.

      (Though it seems you can no longer try for a million dollar prize now James Randi has retired.)

    3. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: Applying the cynicism filter...

      > No-one is ever going to dream of owning up within the next few years, but the

      >perpetrators are probably having a damn good laugh

      Sounds a bit like the 90's craze for crop circles. Not at all (honest) anything to do with bored RAF/USAF personnel nearby. Honest!

  17. chivo243 Silver badge

    Oven doors opening?

    Sounds more like Close Encounters of the Third kind...

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
      Alien

      Re: Oven doors opening?

      If you had read Jacques Vallée, you would know that these sometimes have features of run-of-mill, garden-variety so-called "paranormal" events, insomuch that it is surmised that the "paranormal" stuff is just another form of the "UFO" stuff (thus the new classification of "Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind", whereby reality-bending comes into play, too. Mix in in subsequent visitations by "Men in Black" and you know what's up... ).

      Does this go further than busted human cognitive processing? Who knows... It's definitely not "aliens".

      1. smudge
        Holmes

        Re: Oven doors opening?

        It's definitely not "aliens".

        You've never been to Rutherglen, have you?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Oven doors opening?

          On second thoughts, I find this title rather laden with antisemitic innuendo.

          I think I will contact that London thought crime unit, because we are in politically suspect areas here...

  18. imanidiot Silver badge

    they had a chihuahua

    In my experience those who HAVE one of those rodents on a leash are about as bright as their pets.

    I also believe in Jeff Dunhams definition when it comes to dogs: "Anything I can dropkick over my back fence, not a dog"

  19. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
    Alien

    Anyone want to pay a visit to this nice lady? I'll provide the coveralls and the backpacks.

    Just remember not to cross the streams.

    With the press already in attendance we could have a lot of fun.

    // bet the ghosts leave before we arrive

    /// can't get the Ghostbusters tune out of my head

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      If this "unfazed skeptic" stunt results in dead and/or possessed people, WHO exactly will be made responsible? Eh? Ever thought of that?

  20. Stuart Dole
    FAIL

    Really need a shaman...

    The Church is actually kind of inept here - going by tradition alone. They usually screw things up. What you need is a good shaman. They work with this stuff on a regular basis. Shamans are really like engineers or technicians - they "have a look-see", experiment and see what works and what doesn't, and why.

    I've run across this sort of thing from time to time, and usually it's a clueless spirit that's just confused - hard to "get a clue" when you don't have a body anymore. The energy to move stuff usually comes from nearby teenagers. But YMMV.

  21. smudge
    WTF?

    Really is a sham, man

    I've run across this sort of thing from time to time, and usually it's a clueless spirit that's just confused - hard to "get a clue" when you don't have a body anymore.

    So why aren't they all clueless, then? All the spirits that no longer have bodies - there must be quite a lot of them.

    But YMMV.

    MM does indeed V. A lot.

  22. Tikimon
    Devil

    How hard is it to baffle cops?

    From personal experience and years of news reports, they don't seem terribly hard to baffle on a broad spectrum of subjects. In all fairness, they're cops, not engineers or scientists. But that just means they shouldn't be commenting in the first place. Something magical about a camera or reporter that a cop just can't resist.

    One of my favorites involved cars that allegedly lose traction on icy roads and suddenly accelerate to high speeds and fly off the road. Several police types solemnly supported this claim. No explanation for how a car with no traction accelerates, since some ground-based push is needed. Sudden hurricane winds? Divine finger-nudge? (Of course it's perception. When a car loses grip and rockets off the road, you realize suddenly how fast 45MPH really is.)

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Trollface

    It's the ghost of Labor's or the Conservative's Scottish political future....

    "People of Scotland! I bring you a series of visionary policies that assure your future in a prosperous Britain where your dignity and voice are valued........Fuck it! If nobody is listening, I am going to throw some laundry around and strand that yappy little rat on top of a hedge, where he can't piss on my grave."

  24. xyz123 Silver badge

    Why hasn't this family came forward with proof of the supernatural and claimed the James Randi Prize of $1,000,000 ?

    Also there are THOUSANDS of other prizes to be claimed, not to mention that since you have ACTUAL GHOSTS in your home, people would pay thousands, if not tens of thousands of pounds to visit...Scientists, rich people etc.

    Did I forget the hundreds of thousands of pounds for a newspaper/tv exclusive? the Movie rights?

    The fact that if this was true it would be on every single channel in every single country for MONTHS.

    This would be a world-changing event greater than WW1 and WW2 combined, as the entirety of humanity would have proof of life after death.

    I don't remember the Olympic coverage being cancelled to take us live to this house in Scotland? Do you? (It would be a MUCH more important story than anything about sport and would DOMINATE all forms of media).

    Oh yes, and the war in Syria would pretty much grind to a halt once people found out there IS an afterlife so they would face justice for their actions.

    This family could make hundreds of MILLIONS out of this, unless of course it's all bullsh*t, which of course it is because GHOSTS AREN'T REAL.

    1. Mark 85

      Oh yes, and the war in Syria would pretty much grind to a halt once people found out there IS an afterlife so they would face justice for their actions.

      Err... no. Then they would then be fighting over which <$DEITY> is the one who's afterlife the ghosts belong to. A certain group would wonder why they aren't in heaven. Another over "where are the 72 virgins". Another would go "meh... dead is dead". So forth and so on.

      Oh wait... nevermind... that's what they're fighting for now, supposedly. It's not about power or oil...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Real or not...

      This would be a world-changing event greater than WW1 and WW2 combined, as the entirety of humanity would have proof of life after death.

      There is no indication that "poltergeists", of which I can neither confirm nor deny the existence, have anything to do with human spirits tenaciously holding on to this material world. "Hessdalen lights" seem to be real enough but they are not wicked souls, just some physical lighting phenomenon. Of course I would like to see actual poltergeists in action and documented...

  25. xyz123 Silver badge

    New ghostbusters film comes out (1984)....press filled with stories of 'haunted' houses etc to drum up publicity.

    New ghostbusters film comes out (1989)....press filled with stories of 'haunted' houses etc to drum up publicity.

    New ghostbusters film comes out (2016)....press filled with stories of 'haunted' houses etc to drum up publicity....I'm sensing a pattern here. Spooky!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      It's the Pokémons!

  26. xyz123 Silver badge

    Spooky co-incidences!

    New ghostbusters film comes out (1984)....press filled with stories of 'haunted' houses etc to drum up publicity.

    New ghostbusters film comes out (1989)....press filled with stories of 'haunted' houses etc to drum up publicity.

    New ghostbusters film comes out (2016)....press filled with stories of 'haunted' houses etc to drum up publicity.

    I'm sensing a scary pattern here! Woooooo!

    1. Jamie Jones Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Spooky co-incidences!

      Those evil poltergeists made you double-post!

  27. Jamie Jones Silver badge
    FAIL

    Cheer up!

    "More recently, he has suggested that God will “soon admonish humanity in a very powerful manner.” ®"

    These people.... They are always so doom-and-gloom!

    Cheer up! Fairy stories don't come true!

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    No...

    ... it didn't happen due to 'spirits'. Unless they were drinking them.

  29. Oengus

    smoke of Satan

    I'd be checking the fireplace to see what they had been smoking. Enough "good" stuff and everyone who entered the house would start seeing things.

  30. harmjschoonhoven
    Mushroom

    Re: the bell, book and candle routine.

    The ancient Greeks burned sulphur (sulfur) to purify their temples. Much more effective than incense.

  31. JustWondering
    Meh

    "presumably levitated"

    I think I'd want to see that before I started buying in.

  32. JustWondering
    Happy

    Really?

    I think instead of a priest, they should try taking a video. That usually gets rid of inexplicable type events.

  33. Conundrum1885

    Possible link to anti-gravity experiments/Google HQ issues

    Not saying its related but my experiments suggest ol' Hutch was onto something.

    He now has funding and a mobile lab, apparently his sponsor(s) got hold of the old equipment and it does indeed work but it is most likely a variant of the EmDrive, in that contained electromagnetic fields in a cone shaped waveguide seem to affect local field density in a way not predicted by the Standard Model. The effect can indeed be projected over quite a distance, possibly in the kilometre range with a setup using 21-25 GHz emitters and a superconducting chamber.

    Which is why many respectable physicists won't even consider that the SM has a problem despite it only accounting for less than 10% of the Universe.

    I've actually had some success levitating small objects despite the setup only working some of the time, had an early prototype move stuff around in a closed cupboard (!)

  34. harmjschoonhoven
    Thumb Up

    Chihuahua in a haunted house

    Ren & Stimpy

  35. E-kun
    Pint

    Bell, book and candle routine

    Oh, I love you.

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    A chihuahua levitated to the top of a 7ft hedge. How could that happen?

    Well, there's the old saying "It's not a proper dog if it leaves the ground when you kick it..."

  37. magickmark
    Alien

    Lovecraft

    Or as HP Lovecraft would have called it "The Call of Chihuahua"

    http://www.cthulhulives.org/cocmovie/

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