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back to article Sysadmins: Use these scripts to fully check out of your conference calls

Rejoice, system admins; Splunk developer Josh Newlan has created a series of scripts that will with the right tools get you out of time-wasting teleconference meetings. The scripts, built on Splunk and IBM Speech to Text Watson but which can be ported to use open source tools, allow over-worked crushed souls to have relevant …

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  1. wsm

    Completely unrealistic video

    I didn't see anyone texting or playing Candy Crush. But I'm pretty sure the man who couldn't open the door was my former supervisor. The one who thought he entered the wrong number was his replacement until they found out his visa had expired. He went to work for someone who would pay the visa fees.

    So, the faces change but the calls remain the same. Was that a Led Zeppelin number?

    4 0 Reply
    1. Triggerfish
      Reply Icon

      Re: Completely unrealistic video

      Also misses the bit where half the people at the end go "Sorry was I supposed to be in that meeting?", or "Why was I needed for that meeting?"

      0 0 Reply
  2. Winkypop Silver badge
    Flame

    Conference calls

    The first circle of hell.

    4 0 Reply
  3. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

    Imagine what a true BOFH could do with this.

    9 0 Reply
    1. Dwarf
      Reply Icon

      They already did. Check out "hello, this is Lenny" both on Reddit and YouTube

      1 0 Reply
  4. Phil Endecott

    Recent Dilbert - Wally has replaced himself with a chatbot.

    5 0 Reply
  5. JimmyPage Silver badge
    Boffin

    If we're looking at so-true-it-hurts clips ..

    Check out this one:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKorP55Aqvg

    4 1 Reply
  6. Just Enough

    "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

    All good fun. It might work for one meeting, but I think your co-workers would either very quickly catch on, or conclude you were useless at conference calls.

    The "Lenny" videos on YouTube are a better, funnier and apt use of this sort of technology.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSoOrlh5i1k

    2 0 Reply
    1. phuzz Silver badge
      Reply Icon
      Facepalm

      Re: "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

      I've been in plenty of meetings where every time certain people are asked for their input ("hey, X, last week you said you'd have those VPN details ready for us...") they startle like you've just woken them up, have to have everything explained to them again, and then turn out to have no input ("er, I've not done that yet").

      So yeah, you could totally replace those people with a recording that just says "er, sorry, what was the question again?", although to make it more realistic, the recording shouldn't play until their name has been shouted at least three times.

      (Names withheld to protect the guilty)

      0 0 Reply
  7. s. pam Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Identical to 98% of the meetings

    I had to endure whilst working at Symantec -- the home of calls to have calls to discuss having more calls. Followed shortly thereon with email summary, tick-box "I was on the call" weekly summary report one-liners to my boss there.

    Who was usually on the call in silent mode!

    0 0 Reply
  8. Paul Slater

    Markov chain redditbot? I wrote a Markov program in REXX back in the early 90's that would produce passing semblances of meeting minutes. I also adapted it to create English-sounding nonsense passwords based on letter probabilities. Basically, I invented predictive text before Nokia, Apple and Google. Lightweights the lot of them

    0 0 Reply
  9. JimmyPage Silver badge
    Boffin

    Only 40 years late ...

    The greatly missed Dr. Christopher Evans mentioned a conference host chat app in the 70s that would carry on when people left, and which did a pretty good job of seeming intelligent ....

    0 1 Reply
  10. Lamb0
    Facepalm

    My mental editor...

    had already added "Monty" to precede "Python Reddit bot" prior to watching the video.

    0 0 Reply

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