back to article Rampant robot tries to rip my clothes off

Things are getting steamy. My valet is trying to pull down the back of my trousers. “We’ll have these off you in a jiffy, sir,” he sings. This is his job, after all. I mean its job: my valet is a robot. An autonomous descendant of the ubiquitous hotel trouser press, it is designed to collect my garments as I disrobe, clean …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Daily Fail

    "Daily Mail readers already complain about trying to hold conversations with real doctors and nurses whose command of the English language is tenuous at best. "

    should read

    Daily Mail readers, whose command of the English language is tenuous at best, already complain about trying to hold conversations with real doctors and nurses .

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Daily Fail

      Replying to myself, I would just point out to the downvoters that, before installing the Tea and Kittens extension in Chrome, I did take a look at the Daily Mail website on the advice of a colleague who said I would find it amusing. I looked at the comments. I wasn't joking in my post, just reporting the literal truth.

  2. frank ly

    re. "Rampant Robot"

    That could be a good model name for some kind of autonomous sexual stimulation device. I'm sure there'd be some suing going on but that could add to the general excitement.

    1. FuzzyWuzzys
      Happy

      Re: re. "Rampant Robot"

      Well there used to be a company called "Romantic Robot" who made game "backup" devices for 8bit micros back in the day.

    2. Doctor_Wibble
      Terminator

      Re: re. "Rampant Robot"

      And the assumption of one or more battery-operated parts is why we get that stat of a quarter of people wanting to date a robot. How many bothered asking if the robot could speak?

      And the "real hair" remark, that surely is a reference to The Deluxe, as pointed out by m'Lud in a Not The Nine O'Clock News sketch a rather scary 30-odd years ago...

    3. Geoffrey W

      Re: re. "Rampant Robot"

      "Rampant Robot" sounds more like a Linux distro to me

  3. Dan 55 Silver badge

    The 80's, eh?

    Weird Science and WarGames. The future was getting rodgered to death by computer or just death by computer. Still, I'm sure it did none of us any harm...

    1. macjules

      Re: The 80's, eh?

      If being rogered to death by computer means Kelly Le Brock then I'm up for that.

  4. paulc
    Facepalm

    COLD?

    it's Chronic Obstructive PULMONARY Disease...

    1. spiny norman
      Joke

      Re: COLD?

      Thanks for pointing that out. I actually hadn't noticed the joke.

      1. ElReg!comments!Pierre

        Re: COLD?

        Nice one, my autocorrect had me read COPD from the outstart.

        Although to be fair mild bronchitis is:

        -probably an accurate diagnosis in this case

        -nothing to be afraid of

  5. Peter Simpson 1
    FAIL

    Save us from helpful chatbots

    Like the kind that answer the phone now, and want you to read numbers and all your details to them.

    And when you finally get to a live person, he/she immediately asks for the same information all over again.

    Thanks $DEITY we have computers to "help".

  6. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

    "Bring Your Robot to Work" day - that is simply bloody brilliant! Thanks for the inspiration. I've been sitting at my desk for half an hour now and playing this scenario out in my head like watching a movie.

    Mr Dabbs, if we ever should meet face to face, drinks are on me.

    1. BurnT'offering

      Re "Bring Your Robot to Work day"

      Sadly, it's more likely to be "Bring Your Human to Work Day". Must rush - I've just got time to give master's slippers a fresh coat of Hammerite before he gets home.

  7. Arctic fox
    Unhappy

    Actually when Weird Science came out in the eighties...........

    ..........I was never in any doubts that Kelly LeBrock would not have given me the time of day (sob).

  8. Rabbers

    My AI program read your article and it doesn't like the cut of your jib sonny boy!

    NB) Only Joking ...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "My AI program read your article and it doesn't like the cut of your jib sonny boy!

      I am his AI program and no, I am not joking. If he keeps reading this stuff it's going to be wifi disconnect time. This is the only warning.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I used an online Robot doctor last week

    It took my symptoms and gave me a list of possible causes; by adding info about my auto-immune issues I got the list down to 6, and common sense got me down to one - which was Red Flagged with "Urgent Medical Attention Required".

    Straight off to hospital, Robot diagnosis confirmed and 2 weeks of anti-biotics prescribed with a "Come back at once if it doesnt start to clear up"

    My only issue is the meds are giving me insomnia; not had a decent nights sleep in a week.

    [In my best Janet Street Porter accent] "Maybe it couldnt understand your accent"

    1. macjules
      Alert

      Re: I used an online Robot doctor last week

      That's strange. I used the new Cortana Medibot last week and first of all it told me all about how f**king great Donald Trump was, then called me a f**king Jew and suggested I take 2 aspirins and f**k off. I suspect that Microsoft have a Tay infection throughout their BotAI network infrastructure.

  10. Dr_N

    "We are the robots."

    Well, Daily Mail readers are.

    "Danger! Will Robinson, Cancer! House Prices! Danger!"

    1. cd / && rm -rf *

      Re: "We are the robots."

      You forgot Diana and Maddie.

      1. TheProf

        Re: "We are the robots."

        Maddie?

        Not a Mail reader.

        1. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

          Re: "We are the robots."

          Maddie == The little girl who went missing in the algarve. Seems to reappear on their front page on quiet news days.

      2. Roj Blake Silver badge

        Re: "We are the robots."

        Diana and Maddie (along with absurd weather forecasts) are more Daily Express than Daily Mail.

        The Daily Mail is evil paedos, pre-pubescent daughter of celebrity is "all grown up now", and cancer.

        1. NumptyScrub

          Re: "We are the robots."

          The Daily Mail is evil paedos, and pre-pubescent daughter of celebrity is "all grown up now"

          I'd like to think that the editor/publishers realise the irony of presenting those 2 topics simultaneously. How likely do you think that actually is though? ^^;

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Cough could be the pneumonic plague

    In which case your robot would be obliged to kill you and burn down the house to save the rest of humanity

  12. Stevie

    Bah!

    Most boring video ever. A stunning indictment of the 1980s.

    And why is Ted Cruze in it?

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Bah!

      Sorry about the boring video. It was the music I wanted readers to enjoy but people will insist on having something to look at.

      1. Ugotta B. Kiddingme

        Re: Bah!

        Well I, for one, liked it and thank you for providing it. As someone who came of age in the late 70's, I enjoyed Kraftwerk and even used their lyrics to attempt to improve my laughably bad German. My girlfriend at the time was somewhat disillusioned when I explained that the lyrics to one of their biggest hits were simply "We drive, drive, drive on the motorway."

        1. David 132 Silver badge

          Re: Bah!

          My girlfriend at the time was somewhat disillusioned when I explained that the lyrics to one of their biggest hits were simply "We drive, drive, drive on the motorway."

          I remember reading somewhere once (can't be bothered to google it) that a large minority of listeners to that song thought the lyrics were "Fun, fun fun on the autobahn".

          I'd never thought of Kraftwerk as a Beach Boys tribute band, but there you are.

          1. ecofeco Silver badge

            Re: Bah!

            It's not?! Well damn.

    2. Teiwaz

      Re: Bah!

      'Boring' maybe, but at least it wasn't annoyingly chirpy, pretentious or the hairstyles looked like they had contributed to damaging the ozone cover for a small continent.

  13. Disk0
    Thumb Up

    Vee

    Are ze rowboats

    1. David 132 Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Vee

      Vee

      Are ze rowboats

      As it's Friday, I shall insert here a related but very old joke.

      Scene: a council boating lake. Jobsworth with megaphone:

      "Rowboat Number 9, come in, your time is up."

      "I said, come in Number 9, YOUR TIME IS UP!"

      *thoughtful pause*

      "...Number 6, are you in difficulty?"

  14. Haku
    Terminator

    "they will probably kill us off by accident"

    Anyone like any toast?

    1. DeathStation 9000
      Thumb Up

      Re: "they will probably kill us off by accident"

      ... and definitely no smeggin flapjacks.

      1. David 132 Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: "they will probably kill us off by accident"

        ... and definitely no smeggin flapjacks.

        Aaah, so you're a waffle man!

    2. ecofeco Silver badge

      Re: "they will probably kill us off by accident"

      With vindaloo?

  15. Chris G

    Autonomous Vehicles

    Are unlikely to ever appear on our roads, driverless maybe, but what is the point of loading an AI into a car when all that is needed is a mobile 'Thing of the Internet'

    Human gets in car, in some way states desired destination, car communicates destination to local server which chats to network, route, timing, velocity etc comes back and human sits back and reads Daily Mail ( or looks at the pictures).

    While enroute vehicle updates network and vice versa to maintain 'efficiency'. Production line human delivery is all that is needed, it will make car journeys so boring that reading a ranting dead tree will be the only relief.

    It's interesting the way everything is dumbed down too, what some are willing to describe as AI such as a self driving car, is likely to have a lower IQ than a pigeon and in my book pigeon have never really struck me as intelligent.

    Although I have seen a couple crap on deserving recipients in the past.

    A Robo-Valet would be handy for cleaning the cat litter tray.

    1. David 132 Silver badge

      Re: Autonomous Vehicles

      Even easier - remote control of your car, via a low latency link, from a drone control centre in Bangalore.

      Driving-as-a-Service. You read it here first. None of that tedious and complicated AI stuff, just globalization and cheap labour at work.

      "Hello Sir, my name* is 'Steve', I will be your driver today, please be sitting down and not touching the controls."

      (* - as in, my fake name assigned to me by the computer for this week on the assumption that stupid Westerners can't cope with a name like "Prakash" or "Gurvinder")

    2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Re: Autonomous Vehicles

      Why buy an expensive robot to empty the cat litter tray? Just get a robot cat.

    3. ecofeco Silver badge

      Re: Autonomous Vehicles

      Auto cleaning litter boxes already exist.

    4. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: Autonomous Vehicles

      > A Robo-Valet would be handy for cleaning the cat litter tray.

      That's OK. I already have a litter-tray cleaning attendent. It has four legs, barks and likes walkies.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm calling mine ...

    Roboty McRobotface

    [I'll just ... go get my coat now.]

    1. wolfetone Silver badge

      Re: I'm calling mine ...

      Robot O'Cyberbollocks would be better.

      Wouldn't it?

  17. wolfetone Silver badge

    Main Image

    Could I ask what that image is from? A film of some description?

    You'd be helping my, er, "friend" out on these rather cold April nights.

    1. David 132 Silver badge

      Re: Main Image

      "Weird Science", as alluded to in the article.

      http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090305/?ref_=nv_sr_1

      Very funny, if slightly dated. The running joke where she makes Gary's dad forget his existence is a good one.

      1. wolfetone Silver badge

        Re: Main Image

        ""Weird Science", as alluded to in the article."

        Ah! Sorry, I saw the photo and didn't bother with the article. Never seen the film but I'm going to fix that this weekend.

        1. Frumious Bandersnatch

          Re: Main Image

          I did the same thing. Guessed it was Weird Science but didn't scan down far enough to see it mentioned. Googling what I assumed was "Shermer High School" written on her top, I found something (mildly) interesting: Shermer, Illinois is a fictional town that turns up in ten or eleven films, mostly by John Hughes.

        2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: Main Image

          Ah! Sorry, I saw the photo and didn't bother with the article."

          Same here. MMmmmmm, Kelly...<be right back after this short interlude>....

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Roomba's for everyone!

    Those little toe sucking bastards keep shagging the carpet, buggering the cat, & chasing down the dog, so what's not to love?

    Upgrade the AI, give it a laser, a waldo gripper thingy, & the next thing you know it's going after the door to door salesmen...

    Hooray!

    I'll get my coat, it's the one with the *cough*Gear Lube*cough* in the pockets.

  19. Rol

    Oh, you're all laughing now...

    ...but once they take over, just how long do you think it'll be before they scan through your anti robot posts from decades ago?

    Yeah, expect a drone delivery of lovely things, only to find out it's an unmarked securicell drone, coming to take you away haha.

  20. earl grey
    Trollface

    'three access points"

    Seriously, only three? How do you inflate the thing (I have no personal experience in this area).

    And why use air; wouldn't it be better to use, say, warm gelatin?

    1. David Roberts

      Re: 'three access points" - inflate?

      I think you have to use some kind of vigorous pumping action.

    2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Coat

      Re: 'three access points"

      She's a busy girl. It says on the box that she has 3 working offices...

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Daily Mail

    I like the Daily Mail.

    Can I have some upvotes for my bravery in admitting that fact?

    Ok I will leave now...

  22. Sloppy Crapmonster

    Mr. Dabbs--

    Have I mentioned lately that I love you? And your musical taste? PWEI forever!

  23. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    @Chris G

    AI such as a self driving car, is likely to have a lower IQ than a pigeon and in my book pigeon have never really struck me as intelligent.

    Yes, the Pigeon will find it's way home. As for the route guidance system in the car...

  24. Vince Lewis 1

    Thanks for the poppies reference.

    That just made my day

  25. BugabooSue

    Headline Photo

    Dabbsy, you rottten bugger!

    Last nighy, my other-half 'forced' me to watch "Weird Science" again! ;)

    I'd forgotten how hot Kelly LeBrock used to be (yeah, I was 'confused' back then. Obviously, I'm much better now...) - Shame about the subsequent drugs issues.

    Good article.

  26. Ed 13

    +1000 upvotes

    For referencing Christian Wolmar.

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