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back to article London cops hunt chimpanzee in top hat

London's finest have issued an appeal for help in tracing a chimpanzee in a top hat, which was last seen in the company of a menagerie including a sloth, a giraffe, a penguin and a couple of lions. According to the Met, the sinister creature was one 18 stuffed animals lifted from a warehouse in Wandsworth last Tuesday in a …

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  1. Bob Wheeler

    This fellow down the pub...

    .. he offered me some animals, goes by the name Noah.

    7 0 Reply

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. Rich 11
      Reply Icon

      Re: This fellow down the pub...

      If he says he can flog you a tyrannosaur, take a stethoscope.

      1 0 Reply
      1. TRT Silver badge
        Reply Icon

        Re: This fellow down the pub...

        Is this some Primeval reference? I've not really watched it.

        0 0 Reply
  2. AndrueC Silver badge
    Joke

    If it's well dressed monkeys they are looking for, have they tried the Houses of Parliament?

    19 0 Reply
    1. thesykes
      Reply Icon

      How dare you insult monkeys.

      18 0 Reply
    2. Scott 53
      Reply Icon
      Headmaster

      Apes

      They're apes. If in doubt as to which family something falls into, please refer to any of the films in the "Planet of the Apes" series. They aren't documentaries but they do understand the distinction between apes and monkeys.

      9 0 Reply
      1. Alister
        Reply Icon
        Mushroom

        Re: Apes

        please refer to any of the films in the "Planet of the Apes" series. They aren't documentaries...

        They aren't?

        I wish someone had told me!

        7 0 Reply
      2. Neanderthal Man
        Reply Icon

        Re: Apes

        "they do understand the distinction between apes and monkeys"

        Not understand that in stone age cause many evolutionary dead end.

        1 0 Reply
      3. Voland's right hand Silver badge
        Reply Icon

        Re: Apes

        They're apes.

        If you are you referring to our esteemed Members of the Parliament, you may be overestimating them. Though dunno, we have not tried bananas for questions lately.

        3 1 Reply
        1. Robert Helpmann??
          Reply Icon
          Joke

          Re: Apes

          They're apes.

          If you are you referring to our esteemed Members of the Parliament...

          You have apes? You are so lucky! We just have leeches.

          5 0 Reply
  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    London cops hunt chimpanzee in top hat....

    ...last seen signing an outsource contract with Accenture.

    DCI Plod told reporters that the monkey was being sought on suspicion of criminal negligence, and awarding fat contracts without due care and attention.

    10 0 Reply
  4. Not That Andrew

    Taxidermied chimp in a tophat? Wouldn't be called George Osbourne, by any chance?

    7 0 Reply
    1. PNGuinn
      Reply Icon
      Stop

      Insult!

      Chimps are nasty vicious scheming thieving brutes but they don't need insults like that.

      From a Tory.

      9 0 Reply
  5. Fink-Nottle

    Police Alert

    Have you noticed anyone with an unexplained increase in the consumption of PG Tips?

    2 0 Reply
    1. edge_e
      Reply Icon
      Thumb Up

      Re: Police Alert

      Maybe they were reminiscing the old days of digital tv

      1 0 Reply
    2. Voland's right hand Silver badge
      Reply Icon

      Re: Police Alert

      No, but I have noticed yet another incident of bananas for questions.

      0 1 Reply
      1. TRT Silver badge
        Reply Icon

        Re: Police Alert

        I was just coming to add something like "Police have released the following number for any PG Tip-offs."

        0 0 Reply
  6. DV Henkel-Wallace

    When I read the headline

    I assumed you meant Boris Johnson!

    4 0 Reply
  7. x 7

    I'm sure that chimp starred in a James Bond movie - the one which started with the voodoo dance procession

    0 0 Reply
  8. PNGuinn
    Mushroom

    re Reg the Vulture

    Lester!

    Are you sure that thing's properly stuffed and not just restin'??

    I mean - it doesn't look like its nailed to its perch ...

    I mean - you didn't take it to the States with you by any chance ...

    And let it have a quick flight in New York State the other day - you know - just to give it a chance to make itself comfy ...

    Enquiring minds etc etc ...

    2 0 Reply
  9. Captain DaFt

    "To describe the stolen chimp as "very distinctive" is a bit of an understatement"

    Whoa! I'll say!

    If I had that thing in my possession, I'd park it in a dimly lit alley, and drop by daily to collect the valuables people dropped as they ran away in terror!

    2 0 Reply
  10. Winkypop Silver badge
    Coat

    Well dressed animals - update!

    A Police spokesperson announced that this story was rapidly evolving...

    4 0 Reply
  11. Tom 64

    really?

    Who on earth considers this junk to be 'high value'?!?

    If it was actually George Osborne, I'd understand!

    1 0 Reply
    1. Voland's right hand Silver badge
      Reply Icon

      Re: really?

      Come on, his value is not that high either.

      Now Tony Bliar, that is a different story. I know whole countries which will pay gladly for the honor of having a taxidermied effigy of a war criminal so they can burn it at the stake.

      1 1 Reply
  12. Dr Patrick J R Harkin

    That's quality detecting, that is.

    Detective Constable Edward Bird (yes, really) said: "This was not a random crime, the burglars had came prepared and well equipped."

    He worked that out just from noticing that they'd STOLEN A GIRAFFE!

    3 0 Reply
    1. Anonymous Coward
      Reply Icon
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: That's quality detecting, that is.

      He worked that out just from noticing that they'd STOLEN A GIRAFFE!

      Must have used a transit hi-top for that

      Look for a neck sticking out of an Essex lock-up!!

      1 0 Reply
      1. TRT Silver badge
        Reply Icon

        Re: That's quality detecting, that is.

        A giraffe would be easily spotted.

        3 0 Reply
  13. TRT Silver badge

    Was the getaway vehicle...

    a taxi(dermy)?

    0 0 Reply
  14. Robin Bradshaw

    If someone offered me that monstrosity of a stuffed chimp http://crappytaxidermy.com/ is the first place i would be contacting not the police.

    Who the hell would pay money that? Id pay to have it taken away.

    1 0 Reply
    1. Tikimon
      Reply Icon
      Childcatcher

      crappytaxidermy.com - I CANNOT UNSEE WHAT I HAVE SEEN

      Dammit, that's what I get for being curious. I'll need new eyeballs and a brain-wipe now. I don't know whether I'll lie awake tonight huddled in terror beneath the covers, or endure sleep punctuated by ragged screams and profuse sweating.

      The worst part? For the rest of my life, as I meet someone new, I'll wonder... is this one of the creators of those fevered abominations that shattered my previously well-adjusted life?

      Curiosity killed the cat, and he got out the easy way...

      1 0 Reply
  15. Turbo Beholder
    Trollface

    If only...

    Maybe they would have extra clues if, say, someone supplied them with a photo of the tricky beast with the immediate surroundings.

    0 0 Reply

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