back to article My devil-possessed smartphone tried to emasculate me

My left testicle is bruised. Next to me, my wife is looking at me with a surprised expression. Once the stars fade from my eyes, I realise I have just screamed out loud like a little girl. Given what had just happened to my testicles, I almost became a little girl. I really must try to remember to adjust the position of my …

  1. Dan 55 Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    Rose gold?

    I was all set to sympathise, but anyone with a rose-gold phone deserves all the nut cracking they get.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Rose gold?

      Who says his phone is rose gold? It might be prickly rose-pink ...... in which case he is a very very special man.

    2. MyffyW Silver badge

      Re: Rose gold?

      For handbag-dwelling mobile phones their fate is to perennially ring, whilst the owner searches past inhaler, paracetamol, sanity products and Card Factory valentines gift before said owner gives up with a stoic shrug and the phrase "never mind, they'll ring back".

      It's no surprise the trouser-dwelling ones take to more carnivorous habits.

      For the record, and it's just my opinion: rose gold is a crap colour choice for tech whatever your gender.

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Rose gold?

        > For handbag-dwelling mobile phones their fate is to perennially ring

        Especially when said handbag-holder has a mobile phone where the maximum ringer loudness is barely enough to alert a hyper-aware cat. And choses a midi ringtone that is rendered very, very quietly. And has a phone in a case in her handbag to make sure that it doesn't get damaged or randomly redial last dialled numbers. And sometimes forgets to charge her phone until it's given the bingly-bingly tones of death and switched itself off.

        Which is (apparently) why she never answers my phone calls. Or so she says..

        1. MyffyW Silver badge

          Re: Rose gold?

          @CrazyOldCatMan I can attest there's definitely a market for a charger powered by the random interaction of lippy, emery boards and sub-par usb sticks.

        2. Montreal Sean

          Re: Rose gold?

          My mother in law either has her mobile phone with her and it isn't charged, or it is fully charged and sitting at home next to a pot of week old tea...

        3. Havin_it
          Pint

          @CrazyOldCatMan Re: Rose gold?

          >Which is (apparently) why she never answers my phone calls. Or so she says..

          I've got bad news for you. That description is too nail-on-the-head to be anyone else, so it's not just you she's not answering. I think we should confront her together and find out exactly how many men she's doing this with!

      2. alferdpacker

        Re: Rose gold?

        Sanity products I could do with.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Rose gold?

        For handbag-dwelling mobile phones their fate is to perennially ring, whilst the owner searches past inhaler, paracetamol, sanity products and Card Factory valentines gift before said owner gives up with a stoic shrug and the phrase "never mind, they'll ring back".

        Sanity Products? Such as Xanax?

        1. MyffyW Silver badge

          Re: Rose gold?

          @AC "sanity" products, oh lordy! Of course it was a typo but on reflection perhaps as near to the mark as any other object.

          Give me the lithium and nobody gets hurt :-)

  2. Zog_but_not_the_first
    Trollface

    Clearly...

    You have too much room in your trousers Alistair.

    1. MyffyW Silver badge

      Re: Clearly...

      You could, of course, slip a modern smartphone into your back pocket. Although the resulting non-ionising radiation in poor reception areas might make it appear someone has been spanking you. On one buttock. Assuming you're in the habit of showing your bare bum to anybody other than your physician, that is.

    2. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      Re: Clearly...

      Actually, probably too little space. I wear baggy cargo pants and I never have any issues, though monstrousities bigger than 4inch in size are usually put in one of the thigh pockets not one of the top ones.

      In any case, the best flip phone ever invented is not the RAZR it is the KRZR.

      1. It is bombproof - it is one of the first phones to use Al2O3 for its other "glass" shell. You can probably shoot it out of a big enough gun - it will survive. I have seen it survive being run over by a car.

      2. It is half the size of the RAZR while having the same feature set which was pretty good for its days.

      The only thing that separated my SWMBO (and after that when we handed it down - my mom) from it was the fact that its software has some serious issues with 3G refarming of GSM frequencies. It immediately reboots. As a result despite being still intact and functional as a phone (it is somewhere around my spare parts drawer) it is unfortunately unusable anywhere in Western Europe.

  3. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge
    Pint

    Welcome to the wonderful otder of Luddites

    too much technology today is too hard to use. Whatever happened to 'Easy of Use'? Back in the day, our functional spec template had a whole chapter devoted to it.

    For thos us us with BIG hands and/or are lefthanded lots of things just don't work for us or at best, rather a faff. So called shortcuts are soon ignored as we follow a path that works for us. Often this is to much amusement and hilarity of those watching us. They are the smug gits who are (usually) not cack handed and have normal sized hands/fingers.

    As to the phone in the pocket issue and possible castration... (the mind boggles)

    1) Don't use a super sized phone (yes I know this is awkward if you have huge fingers)

    or

    2) Wear trousers that are not skin tight. most of us are not skinny things. Like men in leather trousers, unless you don't have an ounce of extra weight, you look an idiot, a fashion mistake.

    Then there is this quote

    utter bollocks will always make its way onto the Internet. It is the way of things.

    And to this site on the odd ocassion perhaps?

    Have pint on me this weekend.

    The opinions expressed in this post are probably politically incorrect, I can almost hear the PC Police preparing to cart me away. At least that will give me something to do this weekend...

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Welcome to the wonderful otder of Luddites

      utter bollocks will always make its way onto the Internet. It is the way of things.

      This is Dabbsy's problem. He's worked out the reason for everything, but failed to make the vital final connection.

      No, his phone isn't trying to slice off his bollocks. It's trying to bite them off. Once achieved it can then upload them to the internet. Where they belong.

      1. swampdog
        Joke

        Re: Welcome to the wonderful otder of Luddites

        Now there's an idea for an app. Combination of proximity and humidity sensors could detect the nad-zone. There could then be initiated, an animation of teeth biting down. It would halt when mobile is extracted from pocket.

        Why is my battery going flat? Dunno mate. I leave it to others to flesh out the girlie version as I've just recalled the article about IR sensors.

        Kickstarter?

      2. Arctic fox
        Childcatcher

        @I ain't Spartacus RE: "It's trying to bite them off..........

        .......Once achieved it can then upload them to the internet."

        You do realise that the image of Mr Dabbs' testicles being removed al dente and then uploaded to the internet is going to haunt me for years and may cause serious psychological damage? I have already booked time with my GP as a precautionary measure. You will be receiving my medical bills ongoing.

    2. Elmer Phud

      Re: Welcome to the wonderful otder of Luddites

      Almost . . .

      you forget that 'PC' was demanded by those who said 'something must be done!!'.

      when 'something' was done to protect the masses from racists, homophobes etc. it turned out that the greatest threat was the PC brigade themselves --- the massed ranks (sp?) of Mail and Scum 'readers' who clamoured for action.

    3. DropBear

      Re: Welcome to the wonderful otder of Luddites

      "Whatever happened to 'Easy of Use'?"

      What happened is you turned into this. Oh, you were looking for the polite answer? Sorry, my bad then...

      1. Dan 55 Silver badge

        Re: Welcome to the wonderful otder of Luddites

        The older you get, the less conductive your skin is, which is why oldsters have such a bad time with capacitive screens.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I had to use wifi calling once due to poor reception, never again, Doris Stokes had more chance of getting a response.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      My esteemed colleague has got WiFi calling turned on permanently. As it doesn't appear to have a setting of use the phone network that actual works when it's available, and only default to WiFi when that isn't working.

      So, wonderful, he can make Dalek style calls on Tube platforms. But it then uses Dalek mode WiFi when he's in the office and he ends up coming and standing virtually on my desk (which is next to the WiFi router) in the vain hope of getting some reception. I've pointed out that it's our office broadband connection that's flakey and the WiFi not only reaches into his office perfectly well, but also the next door pub garden...

      The other constant conversation I overhear is, "just a minute. Let me call you back. I'm about to leave the office and it'll cut the call off when I do".

      Sadly he's still ignoring my suggestion of just turning the damned thing off - though he's also still complaining about it.

      1. Martin Summers Silver badge

        "the WiFi not only reaches into his office perfectly well, but also the next door pub garden..."

        And you are still working in the office?

        Granted it's winter but surely during the summer at least?

    2. Richard 12 Silver badge

      I turned it off within two days

      Shortly after I realised that I hadn't received any calls at all since T-Mobile had enabled it.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    As for the RAZR..

    .. I still have 3, two of which still work and the 3rd is used for spares.

    Personally, the v3i was dimensionally perfect, so perfect indeed I was willing to overlook the earlier shiny keyboard which was useless in sunshine (luckily I lived in London at the time so that wasn't a frequent problem), and the software which was.. Well, let's just not go there. But it worked well for receiving calls.

    It is a sad state of affairs that the RAZR was (and is) the only phone you can stick in your pocket, be it trouser, jacket or coat variety and not have it bother you. More shocking was that despite its small size it has damn good reception and a battery life that reaches beyond the time it takes to travel from charger to aforementioned pockets, using battery technology that has since apparently been forever lost to mankind. Probably because someone tried to save the formula using that shiny keyboard and erased all dev records instead (no, not DevOps, go away).

    Moving on to the rose-brown aspect, I reckon those would be the phones to smuggle. No change of accidentally butt dialling someone by an involuntary movement, so to speak, and even there they would have proper reception.

    Just answering a call would be tricky.

    1. BebopWeBop

      Re: As for the RAZR..

      I agree, both electronically and physically it was gorgeous. My only gripe - terminal for my ownership - was the piss poor user interface.

      1. druck Silver badge

        Re: As for the RAZR..

        My first ever phone was a Motorola, and it was the last ever Motorola too, due to the abysmal UI.

    2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: As for the RAZR..

      I now hate you both! Say after me: "The RAZR was the best phone ever!" Now write that down 100 times!

      It's forever implanted in my memory as my favourite ever phone. Because ergonomically it was perfect. I don't ever remember having problems with the shiny keyboard - partly I suspect because it was a proper keyboard with big keys for my big fat fingers, so I didn't need to look at it. Even though it had that weird, flat, interleaved metal design, you still got positive feedback from pressing them. Unlike the occasional frustration of tapping on unresponsive glass smartphones. I had the original, in silver, and don't recall it being too shiny, followed by the the V3i in (ahem!) metalic aubergine - it came with an Orange contract, so I suppose I should be grateful it wasn't metalic orange.

      The flip was brilliant. Made it small, and thin in the pocket - because they'd made the phone so wide. This made it very nice to hold in your hands - and meant the microphone reached your mouth. Also the flip and your face together act as a wind-break - so your listeners don't think you're standing in a hurricane when talking to them on the street. And they could use a more directional microphone too, hence the call quality was better. And you couldn't accidentally press buttons in your pocket. Even my smartphone has managed to unlock itself in my pocket before. Finally, you could end a call by flipping the phone shut, one handed, with a very satisfying snap.

      The software on the other hand. Oh dear. Aaarrgggh! Now you've reminded me, and spoiled my happy nostalgia. What a mess. And on the V3i - the hardwired WAP button, that couldn't be reassigned. The one that they put, right next to the on/off/end-call/cancel button. Aargh! I think it was about 2p just to open the Orange WAP portal, that it defaulted to.

      I wonder if it's some kind of law? The better a phone is ergonomically, the worse the software? Certainly borne out by my favourite smartphone case design, the HTC Wildfire.

      I dug an old Samsung slider out of a drawer for Mum, when her phone broke. It was my second favourite dumbphone, bought after flip phones stopped being sold, and the RAZR had died. I had fond memories, until I tried to show her how to use it. That Samsung UI was even worse.

      1. To Mars in Man Bras!
        Headmaster

        Re: As for the RAZR..

        *"..I wonder if it's some kind of law? The better a phone is ergonomically, the worse the software?..."*

        *"...That Samsung UI was even worse..."*

        I have no love for Apple whatsoever these days, but I think one of the things people forget is just how awful phone interfaces where, before the iPhone came along. Every manufacturer had their own take on a GUI and they were almost all unutterably awful and unintuitive.

        I used to run an Apple software forum, back in the days before the iPhone existed and I can remember the palpable sense of excitement when it looked like *finally!* [after many previously dashed hopes] Apple were about to elbow their way into the phone market –and the cries of "Hallelujah!" all round when they did and we realised that phones could actually sport a UI that bore a passing resemblance to something that had actually been designed and thought out, rather than stuck together from bad clip-art, as an afterthought.

        Of course it's very unfashionable to give Apple credit for anything these days. So feel free to post your *"My MotoNokia XQ&2 had a better UI than iOS and Android, back in 1992" replies below.

        1. TeeCee Gold badge

          Re: As for the RAZR..

          Oh, I dunno.

          About when all that was going on, I had a cruddy WinMo device with the excellent SPB Mobile Shell on it.

          The latest versions of Android are almost as good as that[1], but the homescreen navigation looks primitive when compared to the SPB carousel.

          Also Android's voice dialling sucks donkey cock when compared to the old MS Voice Command product. This bit I find hysterically funny as Google's version uses powerful servers online to do the job while MS made it work rather better using only a sclerotic single-core ARM processor and bugger all memory.

          [1] As in: Why wasn't there a "look 'n feel" lawsuit?

      2. BebopWeBop
        Joke

        Re: As for the RAZR..

        I gave my mum my second spare Nokia 6310i (you see I love her) three years ago. Her second mobile phone - the first did not survive contact with the enemy). It's still working, she's on a limitless minute contract, and I am still loved (well actually no, and given my sacrifice a little pissed off)

    3. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: As for the RAZR..

      The Motorola software was bad, certainly, but it was poor on all mobiles at the time with the exception of the mighty Nokia. My Razr enjoyed a second life when passed to my daughter but she had to (reluctantly) give it up when she needed a tri-band device for a Japan trip. It would still be in use today if the catch on the battery compartment hadn't snapped off.

      1. Peter Simpson 1
        Happy

        Re: As for the RAZR..

        The first Nokia I had (circa 1995) was endowed with absolutely brilliant firmware. Its UI was perfectly tuned to the way I wanted to do things. The menus were logically arranged, so that the function I was most likely to want to do was the one on the main button. It was a joy to use.

        The second Nokia I bought had menus designed by a chimpanzee. It was not a joy to use, it was crap. Worked well, but the menu system was similar in design to that of a Chinese microwave. Obviously, the chap (or group) who had designed the firmware for the first phone had asked for too much of a salary increase, and had been sacked.

        1. Triggerfish

          Re: As for the RAZR..

          The Razr was great, got it when it first came out due to our company mobile bills being on the high side, (many international calls to Asia), so our network gave it free.

          Damn it was so groovy, first phone that truly reached the shiny status (Iphone you really do not compare), remember walking round SEA and people dribbling over it. It looked like it should have been in star trek with those metal keys, and the blue backlight and clamshell design.

          It was also ridiculously tough for what it was, mine fell from my pocket when riding dirt tracks, had sand in all the joints, dents in the casing, it only died about a two years ago which is a ten yearish lifespan. I was properly sad about that.

      2. Stevie

        Re: Nokia software better than motorola?

        In what alternate universe?

        Nokia call quality here in NY was the best of the best, but the interface was all but useless. Even finding one's own number (because who can remember the damn thing?) took the manual at hand and umtytump key presses.

        Motorola had the interface sorted - especially when it came to hands-free use, but lousy voice quality in comparison.

        1. Dan 55 Silver badge

          Re: Nokia software better than motorola?

          Anyone who liked Motorola's late 90's UI and hated Nokia's has their brain wired up back-to-front. There's no other explanation.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: As for the RAZR..

      "It is a sad state of affairs that the RAZR was (and is) the only phone you can stick in your pocket, be it trouser, jacket or coat variety and not have it bother you."

      I always have a front pocket on my shirt and I have a Sony Z series compact with a lanyard. I don't care if it looks a bit dorkish; the phone doesn't bother me at all, I can hoick it out when it rings without any difficulty, it never gets tangled with my intimate locations, because my pocket contains nothing else it doesn't require a case. It works perfectly as a phone.

      And now Sony have brought an end to the Z series and it looks like never again will there be a sensibly sized 4g capable phone with a lanyard hole.

      1. Daniel B.

        Re: As for the RAZR..

        I'm partial to the W300i, the last pocketable phone I ever had.

    5. Zack Mollusc

      Re: As for the RAZR..

      Never understood the appeal of the RAZR. I tried one when they were new and it barely did anything. No support for the various types of data (music, video, text, pictures) that one might want. No terminal app, etc. Everyone already had a shitty phone that barely did anything, why was a slightly thinner version such a big deal. The HTC Desire was a swiss army knife to the RAZR lollipop stick.

  6. Known Hero

    best 4 weeks ever

    Lost my phone once, after the the first week of being rather panicked it was GLORIOUS.

    I would organise to go somewhere at a certain time, when I got there:

    people would always explain they have been trying to call me!

    I ask Why ?

    They reply to know if your on your way.

    I said I would be here at yada yada, and I was driving anyway, not going to answer the phone.

    But in reality not having a mobile enabled me to not give a fuck about other people, Yeah I Loved it !!! Yeah I miss it, but dammit having a mobile is too damn useful.

    1. BebopWeBop

      Re: best 4 weeks ever

      Living in the boonies, in a very solidly built stone house, I only get mobile reception in one part of it. Friends and visitors know that, so I can happily have the phone going to answer whenever I want to without massive opprobrium. I don't tend to advertise the fact that in that part of the house, reception is good enough, and I have a strong 4G signal, so good in fact that I tend to use it as my primary means of accessing the outside world via my network when in the house.

      1. Triggerfish

        Re: best 4 weeks ever

        It's always a good idea to let people know when oyou move in a new house reception can be terrible, gives you an excuse to ignore the phone. :)

        Downside to always being available is some people assume that means you should always respond instantly, I came from a generation where as a teen I still wrote letters in the first couple of uni years before email became popular, don't know how some would cope with that now. I have genuinely worked with people who told me if they do not get responses to texts within a few minutes (not work ones private how you doing sort of texts) they will be pissed off with that person.

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: best 4 weeks ever

          " I have genuinely worked with people who told me if they do not get responses to texts within a few minutes (not work ones private how you doing sort of texts) they will be pissed off with that person."

          The feeling's probably mutual.

  7. Blofeld's Cat
    Angel

    Er...

    "... early flip-phones were still equipped with a small ariel ..."

    Always handy if you needed a tempest, although getting it out of a tree in the first place could be difficult.

    1. Warm Braw

      Re: Er...

      Actually, I thought he'd found the ideal place for a moon of Uranus.

      And if he has a problem with his nads, why doesn't he keep them in his wife's obviously capacious handbag like a normal husband, leaving his trousers free for something he's going to use.

  8. Martin
    Pint

    Chewed Moolah Bells

    “I’m sorry, I cannot play with chewed moolah bells by your coal field.”

    No, dickhead, I said Tubular Bells by oh never mind I’ll do it myself you cretinous, steaming pile of over-rated development failure.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Just brilliant. Laughed out loud. Have a virtual pint.

  9. Potemkine Silver badge

    There's no problem, only solutions

    Fatigue pants: lots of pockets, tough material and giving you a post-punk look you should consider ^^

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: There's no problem, only solutions

      The problem with that, is you can then shove so much stuff into your many pockets, that you can no longer walk. Or find which pocket any of it is now in...

    2. Peter Simpson 1
      Happy

      Re: There's no problem, only solutions

      Belt holster.

      Keeps the RF away from your delicate bits as well.

    3. Fred Dibnah

      Re: There's no problem, only solutions

      How about some of these trousers?

      Goodies

      @ 2 minutes

      1. Cynic_999

        Re: There's no problem, only solutions

        "

        How about some of these trousers?

        Goodies

        "

        Took a look at that, but have no sound on the office PC. Then I noticed that YouTube has an item under "settings" to auto-generate subtitles. So I turned it on.

        I have no idea what the original jokes were all about, but YouTube's speech-to-text conversion gave me quite a few laughs! (I think the joke was something to do with a meat tin regarding the film in a dust tree)

    4. Bob Rocket

      Re: There's no problem, only solutions

      We called them Birmingham Bags in my day, when combined with 4 inch platforms you couldn't reach the bottom of the pockets.

  10. magickmark
    Holmes

    Something for the weekend?

    Maybe Alistair needs one of these http://www.amazon.co.uk/SMALLEST-THINNEST-J8-Bluetooth-Headphone/dp/B00O586YB2/ref=pd_bxgy_23_img_z then rather than talking bollocks he can talk out of his arse instead?

    Just joking, loved the rant!

    1. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

      Re: Something for the weekend?

      IMHO (not that it counts) anyone wearing a BT earwig these days looks... so not cool. So 'dot com bubble'.

      Do you really want to look like the dorks in the US secret Service?

      Ok, it is Friday and we are joking.

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Something for the weekend?

        > anyone wearing a BT earwig these days looks... so not cool.

        sed s/these/any/g *

        FTFY..

  11. Franco

    I very much loved the Motorola RAZR too, sadly by the time mine went to the great phone recycling centre in the sky (or the back of a drawer) it's battery life was one half of ten minutes on a good day.

    Those of you complaining about Siri/OK Google/Cortana really should try using it if you have a Scottish accent. Anyone whose name is Mc or Mac (quite common round these parts) is non-contactable except by use of "buttons" to dial, as is anyone called Douglas or (especially) Dougie (Scottish pronunciation generally being Doogie rather than Duggie as most English people would say) and far some reason telling Cortana she is a "bawbag" leads to some unpleasant web searches.

    1. Reginald Marshall

      Those of you complaining about Siri/OK Google/Cortana really should try using it if you have a Scottish accent.

      Always relevant: ELEVEN!

      1. Franco

        Or Kevin Bridges, The Taking of Pelham 123

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtwoV6WUxI4

  12. AndrueC Silver badge
    Happy

    Deskphones can have their moments though. Mine occasionally changes from showing my name and extension to 'Mr X'. And at one previous job I managed to crash my desk phone and it had to be power cycled.

    Being a software developer at a company with dedicated support staff means I now hardly ever have to use my phone. But recently someone's errant dialling meant I had to redirect a call. Except there is no redirect button. In the end I had to admit defeat and take the caller's details so that they could be called back.

    So I checked with our IT bods how to redirect a call just in case the need ever arises again. Apparently I have to press '*6*'. Now what puzzles me a bit is that it's a modern-ish Cisco unit that has four soft buttons. Only one of them is currently in use. It's labelled 'dire' which I assume is some kind of 'unlike' button for annoying callers. I asked IT if *6* could be assigned to one of the other three but I got That Look. The one that says 'who is this fool?' so didn't push the issue.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      You can't actually transfer calls between people on deskphones. It's a myth. Anytime this actually happens, you'll notice you're put on hold first, then they just shout over to the person, who's sitting on the desk next to them, and hand them the phone. Or reception have several handsets with very long cables, and simply walk to the appropriate office with them.

      At least this is the conclusion I've come to after trying to use the phone systems in various offices over the years. We currently have some Panasonic units that are totally programmable... and totally unuseable.

      1. Billa Bong

        I pushed out a standard phone system and phone model across the whole company (after consultation), where it would then be dead simple to do things like assign the soft key functions, standardize everything about the way it works.

        Then users happened.

        "Why can't we use our old phone [because I'm stuck in the past when rota-dial was cool]?"

        "I used to be able to push this key sequence and it would do it for me [not realizing that a system that uses 999 as a shortcut to the conferencing system might not be a great plan...]"

        "I never use that function, can't it be changed to this function instead [because although I'm the only person in the company that uses it I'm clearly more important]?"

        "Why don't we use <latest fancy brand phone> [because I used it once and thought it looked nice]?"

        Then it got even worse. Users were bringing in <insert name of any old phone> here and connecting it, expecting it to work off the bat. One office manager decided he didn't like something about the phone, so bought his whole office a new one and only after asked how to make them work.

        Have I given users "that look"? Yes. Oh, yes, I have...

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          "Then users happened."

          Clearly it was beyond your abilities to find out in advance what your users actually wanted.

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

            "Clearly it was beyond your abilities to find out in advance what your users actually wanted."

            Unless you are God, that is beyond the abilities of all mortals. No matter how long the consultation period, no matter how many times you ask, no matter how long you spend spying on your users work processes and habits, they will *ALWAYS* find stuff they simply *MUST* be able to do that *NOT* *A* *SINGLE* *ONE* thought important enough to mention at the time,

      2. DropBear

        " Or reception have several handsets with very long cables, and simply walk to the appropriate office with them."

        I remember seeing Hollywood movies in a previous life where Very Important People in fancy restaurants would get a call on a phone trotted out to their table in a very distinguished manner by their waiter. It must be something like that...

        1. BlokeOnMotorway

          Hand me the rap rod, Plate Captain.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Only one of them is currently in use. It's labelled 'dire' which I assume is some kind of 'unlike' button for annoying callers.

      That would be an excellent function to code for Asterisk. Log the called ID in a database, and as soon as they call in, push them straight into the voice menu from hell.

      Hmmm. Must keep this in mind when we set up the new company :)

      1. Anonymous Coward
        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          " I found something even more amusing."

          Sorry, can only give you one upvote for that. I passed this as a tip to elReg some time ago & they declined it because /. had already used it.

    3. Cynic_999

      "

      But recently someone's errant dialling meant I had to redirect a call. Except there is no redirect button.

      "

      You as well? On the rare occasions I have had to transfer a call, I have had to Google the phone manufacturer's web site, look up the model, download the instruction book as a PDF, and search for the necessary procedure. By which time the caller has fallen asleep.

  13. Dan 55 Silver badge

    The smallest of the small phones

    Rumour was the Nokia 8310 could fall into your ear if you weren't careful and travel round your body, sort of like Fantastic Voyage.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nokia_8310

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: The smallest of the small phones

      In a Futurama episode, Amy swallows her micro-sized phone - but looking at actual developments there are better chances by that time phones will be Bender-sized and as much as user friendly and helpful...

    2. toughluck

      Re: The smallest of the small phones

      I'll see your Nokia 8310 and raise you an Ericsson T66.

      Or, apparently, anything on This list of very small phones.

  14. Philip Storry

    Reminds me of the Orange nk502/Nokia 8110

    My very first mobile phone was a Nokia 8110, branded as an Orange nk502.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nokia_8110

    Yes, we had aerials on phones back then. That was normal. It was also a very advanced model - it did this new-fangled SMS thing, for starters.

    But it was commonly known as the "banana phone", due to a lovely curve that the unit had. It looked great, and was very comfortable in a trouser pocket.

    Until you sat down.

    Because the curve means that the phone moves towards the horizontal in your pocket, over your thigh as opposed to running up it. And can you guess what the aerial is now pointing directly at?

    Trust me, the pointy corner of a modern smartphone is NOTHING compared to the searing unendearing spearing that aerial would give your gonads.

    Nokia provided a version of the phone for Neo to use in the film The Matrix - albeit with a spring-loaded cover that they were experimenting with. Virtual reality Kung Fu? Being faster than a computer? Humans as batteries? Floating squid machines? I can accept all that. But Neo not being stabbed in the balls by that phone is pure Hollywood bullshit...

    1. macjules

      Re: Reminds me of the Orange nk502/Nokia 8110

      And the party trick of triggering the spring-loaded cover into the side of your face ...

    2. A K Stiles

      Re: Reminds me of the Orange nk502/Nokia 8110

      Ah, I can't deny that The Matrix inspired me to replace my 1997 Nokia 2110 with a 7110. Oh those customisable ringtones (by SMS). I think it's still stashed in a drawer somewhere... (as is the 2110).

      Have managed to avoid the nut-stabbing/crushing since replacing the 7110 with an i-mate Jam (with separate bluetooth GPS receiver for TomTom), then an HTC touch when the Jam broke, then an HTC Desire for the smarts, then the current trusty Note 3 for the useful memory size (the last ensuring my shirts all came with pockets!).

      I think my favourite of all of them is probably the Touch - smart enough without running my life!

      6 phones in 20 years? Okay, now I feel old(er).

  15. itzman
    Mushroom

    Not as dangerous as yer actual E-cigarette....

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/12173721/E-cigarette-explodes-in-mans-pocket-video.html

    Haha

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Not as dangerous as yer actual E-cigarette....

      Now imagine that this chap had been in the same cell as the guy with the phone up his rear end. Oops :).

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    In 2001 Futurama did a joke about Amy swallowing her phone (again).

    I miss miniaturization.

  17. Fihart

    Voice search works surprise !

    I think Alistair is being a bit unfair.

    I certainly wouldn't trust speech dialling as even touchscreen seems to have a mind of its own.

    But I was amazed to find that the little microphone logo which popped up on my first Android phone allowed me to search Google by speech -- and actually worked. Mumble easily mispronounced name of long-defunct Clydeside shipbuilder and almost instantly it comes up with an accurate find.

    Useful, particularly when on the move.

    1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: Voice search works surprise !

      I have to admit - I've never needed to look up a long-defunct Clydeside shipbuilder while on the move..

  18. Wensleydale Cheese
    Thumb Up

    The fate of biros

    "Remember how Douglas Adams famously mused on the ultimate destiny of ballpoint pens – that they invariably seem to go missing of their own accord? His suggestion was that they escape into another dimension where they live out the remainder of their harmonious leak-free lives in biro-peace."

    I remember that episode well and we discussed it at some length in the pub afterwards.

    The best suggestion was that biros turn into coat hangers.

    1. Andytug

      Re: The fate of biros

      IIRC he postulated that socks were the larval form of coathangers, as socks vanish randomly and extra coathangers appear.

  19. Kubla Cant
    WTF?

    WiFi calling

    Mobile reception inside my house is non-existent, so when I saw the reference to WiFi calling I passed the term over to Google. The top result was from EE, my current mobile network, which looked promising. Then I read:

    WiFi Calling is supported on iPhone 5c, iPhone 5s and later models. Android and Windows devices bought directly from EE in one of our stores, online at ee.co.uk or through our telesales team are also compatible. Android and Windows devices bought from other retailers won't be able to support WiFi Calling.

    1. Dan 55 Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: WiFi calling

      What's wrong with Orange giving out the SIP configuration for WiFi calling?

    2. JetSetJim

      Re: WiFi calling

      Indeed, the networks are awfully backward in coming forwards with support for this feature. I had a brief glimmer of hope on the chat with one of EE's upgrade folk, who said:

      "Me: The website currently says "WiFi calling is available on the iPhone 5c and all later models of the iPhone but is only available on the EE version of Android and Windows devices, which can only be bought directly from us in one of our stores, online at EE.co.uk, or through our telesales team. Android and Windows devices bought from other retailers will not be able to support WiFi Calling.", so you are saying this is not the case for the S7?

      EE rep: Thanks for pointing that out as this was the case a while ago, since then wifi calling feature has been changed so as long as a handset has wifi calling built you will be able to use it on EE."

      However, on a subsequent call to their customer services, this was disavowed. Will be calling a few more times to see if the votes pile up one way or the other.

      On a side note, it does seem that EE support it on more phones than the others. Vodafone require the latest and greatest iDevice only in the iOS space, and not many Androids, for example.

      1. Stuart Moore

        Re: WiFi calling

        Three's won't work on dual sim phones. I assume someone hardcoded something. Grr

  20. Dan McIntyre

    Warning - Reading SFtW is Bad for Your Health (and Possibly Your Job..)

    So, I was in tears of laughter after reading the bit about logs. Then the phone rang and a user announced "I've logged a job".

    Well I couldn't do anything but hang up and explode.

    1. Darryl

      Re: Warning - Reading SFtW is Bad for Your Health (and Possibly Your Job..)

      I've decided that, even though our Cisco phones here in the office work just fine, I'm going to degrade every conversation I have today into “Log a log. A loga-loga-log. A log. Log.”

  21. quattroprorocked

    Blazers dear boy, blazers :-)

    eom, eo nut cracking :-)

  22. Stevie

    Bah!

    Not alone, Dabs. There's at least two of us.

    And NPR ran a story some years ago that no phone on the market at that time had better than a subjective three out of five rating for clarity during calls even though crystal clear playback of music was standard. When asked, manufacturers assured the reporter that "people cared least about call clarity when polled".

  23. Infernoz Bronze badge
    Go

    Keeping a mobile in a trouser pocket is asking for trouble

    It may not just physically hurt tackle, but may also give them cancer from close range, long duration, pulsed microwave exposure!

    It may get bent if pressed into a curved surface like the thighs or butt.

    1. PNGuinn
      Coat

      Re: Keeping a mobile in a trouser pocket is asking for trouble @ imfernoz

      "It may get bent if pressed into"

      Oh Dear - I read that bit first as "It may get bent if pissed on ..."

      Sorry - it's late - I'm going. Thanks - mine's the one with the damp patches.

  24. Yugguy

    Hauk sent me, we've gotta move fast.

    Just wanted to get a quote in...

  25. swampdog

    Drat!

    I was about to extol the virtues of keeping my nokia 2330c around for going out & getting bladdered. It is "nad safe".

    However, I couldn't remember what model it was so wanted to ask it. I vaguely recalled putting the code in somewhere. I eventually found it in a note as "*#000#" but nothing happened so I concluded I needed to invoke some sort of dialler. After much searching and a lengthy discussion with the missus (she had one) we decided we couldn't remember shit these days.

    Fortunately she is less attentive to detail. While I was sat here thinking how to discover the model number so I could google it, she just googled "nokia keypad codes". Apparently *#0000# does the trick. I hate her. ;-)

  26. Bucky 2
    Pint

    Pictures or it didn't happen.

    Just saying

  27. FBee
    Thumb Up

    Andy Rooney would approve

    Famous (on the left side of the pond) former "60 Minutes" commentator would label this one as comic gold!!

  28. David Roberts
    Coat

    Sad and lonely

    Must be, because all my shirts have button down pockets which fit a mobile phone (Galaxy S3 or S4).

    Which sadly makes most of the article and comments irrelevant.

    I don't wear a coat (just going through the pockets) and I could perhaps dispense with trousers if I didn't need two cargo pockets to hold both wallets. Full of bloody plastic. The person who invents a phone app which will replace loyalty cards, credit cards, driving licence, bus pass, rail card, European health card, and all the other oblong bits of plastic which use essentially the same technology to do essentially the same thing will be my friend for life. Or for a start just one fucking card for every fucking retailer which can be registered at the fucking till. Nurse! Nurse! My pills! The pink ones! Quickly!!

    1. Terry 6 Silver badge

      Re: Sad and lonely

      Annoyingly most of my shirts have a pocket where the pocket should be. But a curse upon the fashion industry, some don't. A fact I tend to remember about three seconds after picking up my phone to go out. And occasionally when the phone slides down inside my jumper.

  29. pip25
    Happy

    I use a waist bag

    Having my phone in my trouser pocket was always uncomfortable, even back then when they weren't this big. I bought myself a waist bag around 10 years ago, and haven't looked back. Unlike a handbag, the small pockets let me retrieve everything (phone, wallet, pencil, whatnot) at a moment's notice. Doesn't work with formal wear though, I have to use these shoulder holster-like things instead which can store a lot less.

  30. Krtek

    Too much time on my hands!!

    Having done the maths, assuming an average height of 5 inches for a smartphone, it would take 12,672 phones to stretch a mile. Taking the circumference of the earth at 24,901 miles round the equator, it would take 315,545,472 phones to circle the earth. According to wikipedia, Apple has sold 700 million iPhones since 2007, so taking into account all the other brands, it would not be inconceivable that 8 would not be too conservative a figure for the number of times that all the smartphones that have ever existed could go round the world. Now if we factor in all the dumb phones too.........

    I wonder if there could be a new unit of Vulture central measurement in there? I don't have the time, (or more honestly, the talent), to work out the number of Bulgarian fun bags 315,545,472 mobile phones would take up in volume, but if anybody wants to try,feel free.

    I'll get my coat.

  31. Jan 0 Silver badge

    Alistair, why haven't you joined the cargo cult? The thigh pockets of cargo trousers will keep iphone plusses, big samsungs, etc. well away from your nadgers. In fact, most of mine will quite happily handle a Nexus 9 tablet or a gottle of gear. What's not to like?

  32. Jeffrey Nonken

    I am very enamored of my Naztech Gladiator holster. YMMV.

    Agreed regarding the RAZR. Probably my favorite flip phone ever.

  33. JustWondering
    Happy

    Miniaturization

    That stopped as soon as you could access porn on your phone.

  34. Shadow Systems

    My favorite phone was a Nokia.

    I don't remember the model but I can describe it as follows:

    Shaped like a candy bar with a postage stamp sized screen above a standard telephone keypad. Rotate it 90degrees to the left, flip it open like a butterfly, & the screen display auto-rotated to match & the two interior halves of the phone had a full QWERTY keyboard split across it. You could type with your thumbs at a very nice clip as the buttons were decently large & had a decent domed top, so finding one key beside another was doable blindfolded. You could still use the standard telephone keypad to TAP9 out your messages, but it was SO damned easy to just flip it open & begin typing.

    That phone was way too damned useful, especially after I found a third party vendor with a battery shell that clipped into where the normal battery sat, except the shell accepted standard DoubleA batteries. I could leave a set of four rechargeables in a pocket for when the main died, swap the two when needed, & recharge the main before the spare ran dry. I could go for a week on either set, so the two together only had me needing to charge it about twice a month.

    Granted, it was only a Feature Phone & not up to today's video streaming, web browsing, NFC bonking, social media spaffing, games playing, "Personal Voice Assistant" TomFoolery, but damn it it made excellent voice calls, made sending text messages a breeze, & Just Worked. I would love to have something similar but with today's cellular frequencies supported. Fitting it in a pocket wasn't a problem, stopping others from stealing it in jealousy was.

    *Wistful sigh*

    Damn you WhipperSnappers & your newfangled SmartyPantsPhones! Back in my day we had a bunch of rocks to bang together REAL LOUDLY and that's the way we LIKED it!

    *Shakes a palsied fist*

    Now get off my line!

    =-)p

    1. Wicked Uncle Steve

      Re: My favorite phone was a Nokia.

      That would either be one of the 6800 series, a 6800, 6810, 6820/20i or a 6822. If not one of those it would be an E70.

      Cheers, Steve

  35. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    I can never understand what anyone's saying on my mobile nor, indeed, on my landline if the other end of the call's on a mobile. Except - when I get into my car the built-in phone does a remote SIM connection to the mobile and all calls are clear as crystal. Weird.

    Also weird is the fact that I had "Home" as a phone-book entry and the carphone wouldn't recognise it. I got it to read out the phone book and it pronounced it as Hulme. Very odd. Do the manufacturers think that a lot of customers need to call people called Hulme-spelled-Home but rather fewer need to call home?

  36. Howard Hanek
    Linux

    Welcome To Our Gender Neutral Society

    Women should be up in arms over the competition to their emasculation monopoly

  37. martinusher Silver badge

    The Handbag -- The Tardis of Feminine Accessories

    I've never figured out how a small handbag can contain so much crap and, furthermore, continually lose it. Its like its a portal to a different set of dimensions, the bag just being that part that's accessible in our everyday space.

    I rarely go into my wife's handbag, and then only with permission / under instruction. I keep on thinking that it might suddenly snap Luggage style and take my hand.....anyway I can never find anything in it so what's the point in looking?

  38. DXMage

    Escape from New York? Trying to remember where I have seen that top pic from.

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