back to article Firemen free chap's todger from four-ring chokehold

Firemen from the Spanish town of Dénia, in Alicante, enjoyed an entertaining shout last week when they were called to remove four steel rings from the base of an unfortunate chap's todger. An unnamed 40-year-old foreigner rolled up at the local hospital in the early hours of Friday morning, unable to extract his member from …

  1. Richard Wharram

    Seems unnecessary

    Couldn't they have just asked him to try to remember the names of the England '66 squad? That should have done the trick.

    1. TitterYeNot
      Coat

      Re: Seems unnecessary

      "Couldn't they have just asked him to try to remember the names of the England '66 squad? That should have done the trick."

      Far more effective to simply ask the poor bloke to think of Theresa May in full dominatrix gear, which should do the trick in milliseconds.

      GAAAH!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!! GET THE MIND BLEACH!! GET THE MIND BLEACH!!

      1. Kurt Meyer
        Gimp

        Re: Seems unnecessary

        Come now, you know there are fellows who'd be able to cut diamonds just thinking about that, let alone actually being in the presence of such a sight.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Gimp

        Re: Seems unnecessary

        Far more effective to simply ask the poor bloke to think of Theresa May in full dominatrix gear, which should do the trick in milliseconds.

        Ann Widdecombe, Shirley?

        *pukes into mouth*

        ARRRGHGHGGHHHHHH!!!! PASS THE BRAINBLEACH!!! PASS THE BRAINBLEACH!!! ARRRGHGHGGHHHHHHARRRGHGHHGHGghgrhghrrhgg..............

      3. Arctic fox
        WTF?

        @TitterYeNot Re: "Mind bleach?" You want mind bleach?

        I cannot cope with the very thought of clicking on this link:

        "The year before, the same hospital saw no less than eight firemen attend an eye-watering incident involving a spam javelin, a steel tube and an angle grinder. ®"

        An angle grinder? May the Deity help us all!

      4. MrT

        Re: Seems unnecessary

        Austin's solution...?

      5. Anonymous Coward
        Joke

        Re: Seems unnecessary

        You are Boris Johnson and I claim my £5...

  2. chivo243 Silver badge

    easier way

    Just think of an ex-wife or something horrific, cold shower? Swimming pool -> "There was shrinkage Jerry, Shrinkage!" Bellowed Geroge

  3. Fibbles

    I guess none of the nurses were willing to try a little castor oil and some gentle tugging?

    1. Anonymous Blowhard

      "I guess none of the nurses were willing to try a little castor oil and some gentle tugging?"

      If they had, he wouldn't have needed the rings in the first place...

    2. 's water music

      I guess none of the nurses were willing to try a little castor oil and some gentle tugging?

      How is an oiled up tug from a nurse going to help other than to build some memories in case the removal procedure goes badly wrong?

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      >I guess none of the nurses were willing to try a little castor oil and some gentle tugging?

      Hard to say. I'm guessing that the firefighters felt entitled, being the first responders. And, really, would you expect them to hand the job over to the nurse(s) when they were pretty much guaranteed to get something--a good story, at the very least--out of it?

  4. Jimmy2Cows Silver badge

    Shudder

    Anyone else wince, sort of curl up a bit, and experience involuntary, um... contraction... reading that?

    Must be cold in here all of a sudden.

    1. phuzz Silver badge

      Re: Shudder

      Indeed, sod thinking about Theresa May, surely just thinking about his predicament should have caused shrinkage?

      (Except I assume said rings were stopping blood from exiting his gentleman's sausage)

  5. Jimmy2Cows Silver badge
    Coat

    Why *4*?

    I mean come on... was he trying to hang a curtain from it?

    1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      Re: Why *4*?

      Probably there was a sale at the local IKEA.

    2. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Why *4*?

      Audi drivers, gee I tell you...

      1. Simon Harris

        Re: Why *4*?

        He was going for an Olympic Record, but chickened out before the end.

    3. Graham Marsden
      Alert

      @Jimmy2Cows - Re: Why *4*?

      WARNING: VERY NSFW!!

      If you *really* want to know...

      (The 5th ring has a 2" internal diameter, so probably would be easily removable)

      1. Paul Crawford Silver badge
        Gimp

        Re: @Graham Marsden

        That, sir, is most definitely NSFW!

        Pro tip - set your browser to always open a single tab on your safe home page. Today I had an accidental viewing of your link on opening Firefox, they must think I am a part-time gimp now...

  6. Alister

    Application of an Ice Pack

    ...would, I am sure, have been less traumatic, and achieved the same effect.

    Actually, thinking about it, if anyone approached my meat and two veg with a working Dremel, I'm pretty sure there would be sufficient shrinkage almost immediately.

  7. Scott 53

    Ouch

    Can I uncross my legs now?

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Holmes

    It was you, wasn't it?

  9. Dave 126 Silver badge

    There a few comments here along the lines of "Why not just make it shrink?"

    In normal operation, turning off the pump is sufficient to reduce the pressure, since the blood will escape back into the rest of the body. Unfortunately in this case, the rings block the return path*. The patient would have been de-stimulated by the time he called for assistance - the pump had long been turned off - so another approach was required.

    *That is the whole point of cock-ring, I've been led to believe - though I'm no expert on sticking my extremities into unsuitable apertures. I'm not an expert on sticking my face into a pan of boiling oil either, but my take on it remains the same: Just don't do it.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      So... lance it. Although the "design" of corpus spongiosum muscle doesn't provide a single vein to act like a kind of drain cock.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

        1. TRT Silver badge

          @symon - "a course of leaches"

          Any self-respecting leach would, of course, refuse to put their mouth parts anywhere near the pervs prives.

          1. Dave 126 Silver badge

            Re: @symon - "a course of leaches"

            @TRT

            >Any self-respecting leach would, of course, refuse to put their mouth parts anywhere near the pervs prives.

            You can believe that if you want to to, but if you go skinny dipping in a swamp and find a limp dangly thing clung to your limp dangly thing - please do share with us here at the Reg!

            1. TRT Silver badge

              Re: @symon - "a course of leaches"

              Well obviously they'd go for my succulent meat... I'm talking about the kind of a skank-o-matic that appeared in the article. You know... the sort who'd use the "rings of Sat-on", if you know what I mean.

              1. x 7

                Re: @symon - "a course of leaches"

                "skank-o-matic"

                excuse me, but "skank-o-matic" is a copyright term for a percussion synthesiser sequencing system in the black skank music idiom.

                "Skank" is itself a descriptive term based on the words "ska" and "wank" and is felt to accurately describe the genre

      2. Semtex451

        Read that on a crowded platform and loudly screamed like a girl

      3. Mark 85

        @TRT

        a kind of drain cock

        I see what you did there.. have an upvote.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "Unfortunately in this case, the rings block the return path"

      Low flow priapism by any cause for more than four hours is a medical emergency. Deprived of oxygen the cells start to die - leading to permanent damage.

      http://www.everydayhealth.com/erectile-dysfunction/whats-wrong-with-long-lasting-erections.aspx

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        >Low flow priapism by any cause for more than four hours is a medical emergency. Deprived of oxygen the cells start to die

        Again, just don't do it. Also, before any of you ask, a 'kiss of life' will not help oxygenate the cells.

        (Although there is a joke in which a male patient, who has been instructed to relive pressure in those parts through manual manipulation, looks over to the next cubicle and sees the silhouette of a nurses head bobbing up and down over its occupant: "What about him?!" he asks.

        "Oh, he's on BUPA" replies the Doc. )

        [Edit: For the benefit of non-UK readers, BUPA is a brand of private healthcare available in the UK, as opposed to our free-at-the-point-of-treatment National Health Service]

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Oh dear sir,

    I'm terribly sorry but we have had 3 people with heart attacks, 2 with suspected bleeds on the brain and a stabbing.

    You will have to sit there, and WAIT, quietly, whilst we deal with the REAL emergencies you sad, pathetic thrill seeking little cock-fruit.

    *Oh, it may startt to turn black, sadly there wont be any additional size increase with that.

    *debunked myth, added for comic effect.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Oh dear sir,

      "*debunked myth, added for comic effect."

      Is it? Republic of Congo apparently tops the world average at 7.1"

      UK 5.5"

      Australia 5.2"

      USA 5.1" (Presumably excluding Texas?)

      http://metro.co.uk/2015/02/28/want-to-know-which-country-has-the-biggest-penises-in-the-world-5083922/

      1. MyffyW Silver badge

        Re: Oh dear sir,

        Would Texas bring the US average down? Is that why they're so keen on big cars and firearms?

      2. MJI Silver badge

        Re: Oh dear sir,

        Does the US figure include the height of donald trump?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Oh dear sir,

      FAO down voters:

      The next time you are rushed into hospital because either yourself, friend, family etc need immediate and live saving medical care and you hear this coming from down a corridor "i'll tek the fuggin lorra you's on ya bastards" and some pissed up fuck wit is causing a scene which prevents your family member, friend, etc from being treated, remember this little tale...

      Idiots who self inflict either through drink, drugs or just being fucking idiots do NOT deserve first line care. Fuck em and let em wait.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Oh dear sir,

        It'll go rusty... :)

      3. Dave 126 Silver badge

        Re: Oh dear sir,

        >Idiots who self inflict either through drink, drugs or just being fucking idiots do NOT deserve first line care

        On the grounds that laughter is a good medicine, it is appropriate that they be admitted to hospitals.

      4. Fred Dibnah

        Re: Oh dear sir,

        Idiots who self inflict either through ski-ing, hang gliding or <insert recreational activity of choice here> do NOT deserve first line care. Fuck em and let em wait.

        FTFY. Can you see the problem with your idea? Luckily doctors and nurses treat everyone as equally deserving of care.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          @ Fred Didnah Re: Oh dear sir,

          It would appear you seem to consider skiers, hang glider-ists as idiots. I do not. I consider muppets who go out on a Saturday night, end up in a drunken brawl or decide to play chicken with cars as idiots.

          Accidents are exactly that, unforeseen happenings. Getting pissed up is something you can easily avoid.

      5. Frumious Bandersnatch

        Re: Oh dear sir,

        Idiots who self inflict

        So if someone is distracted while crossing the road and gets run over, it's their own fault and so shouldn't get treatment? Maybe we should resinstitute the Spanish Inquisition to take over triage duties then, eh?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          @ Frumious Bandersnatch Re: Oh dear sir,

          Again, someone who clearly has a comprehension issue between accident and idiot.

  11. thomas k

    Wot?!

    No pics?!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Wot?!

      Thank god for small mercies

  12. This post has been deleted by its author

  13. Martin Maloney
    Trollface

    Oh, why not?

    From the bottom of the article:

    "Tips and corrections"

    The chap was uncircumcised?

    Q: How do you circumcise a whale?

    A: With four skin divers.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Oh, why not?

      That's terrible

      anon because I should be working

    2. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Re: Oh, why not?

      It's been said that Aristotle Onassis had the bar stools on one of his yachts clothed in sperm whale foreskin. I'd assumed that this was removed from a dead whale, until I read Mr Maloney's post.

      1. Captain DaFt

        Re: Oh, why not?

        "It's been said that Aristotle Onassis had the bar stools on one of his yachts clothed in sperm whale foreskin."

        Actually, they were normally footstools, but when the maid dusted them...

        1. x 7

          Re: Oh, why not?

          "Aristotle Onassis had the bar stools on one of his yachts clothed in sperm whale foreskin"

          His wife chose it. Ever wondered why she was known as "Jackie O"?

      2. Frumious Bandersnatch

        Re: Oh, why not?

        bar stools on one of his yachts clothed in sperm whale foreskin.

        The penis bone of some aquatic mammals (yes, they have "bones", literally) have all sorts of uses. Seems they make good knife handles since they won't get too slippery if you're using it to butcher an animal.

        1. Buiatra

          Re: Oh, why not?

          Not only aquatic mammals: dogs have a penis bone too:

          https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baculum

          Painful news...I guess he won´t try again that

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Oh, why not?

            "Not only aquatic mammals: dogs have a penis bone too:"

            As do most primates - although the size is not necessarily proportional to the normal size of the body in a species. Only humans and spider monkeys don't. IIRC there have been human cases of them - as a DNA quirk can sometimes express an evolutionary regressed feature.

            According to this page whales and dolphins are also boneless.

            http://mentalfloss.com/article/69282/8-hard-facts-about-penis-bone

  14. Sporkinum

    I had never heard the "spam javelin" euphemism before. The Reg is truly a master of phrase.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Oh well, in that case:

      Beef Bayonet

      Pork Sword

      Ankle Slapper

      Kidney Cracker

      Hot beef / pork injection.

      Search out Weird Al and his parody "Pet names for genetalia". Plenty more there

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Oh well, in that case:

        Wait: I'm not through, there's one more, Purple helmet warrior!!!

        1. ukgnome

          Re: Oh well, in that case:

          http://www.amazon.com/Talking-Cock-Richard-Herring/dp/1560256087

          1. This post has been deleted by its author

            1. anthonyhegedus Silver badge

              Re: Oh well, in that case:

              Ugh, the website starts to make a noise immediately, you could have said! I'll upvote you anyway...

      2. anthonyhegedus Silver badge

        Re: Oh well, in that case:

        Just the thought of two firemen looking at one's john thomas should be enough to cause immediate erectile dysfunction

    2. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Spam javelin

      I can't take credit for the phrase. First came across it years ago and it stuck in my, er, mind.

  15. cd / && rm -rf *
    Pint

    Ahhh.....

    ... where would we be without Lester's knob jokes? This irreverent attitude is precisely why I read El Reg for my daily fix of IT news lightly sprinkled with something bit... different.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ahhh.....

      IT news lightly sprinkled with something bit... different.

      I can't say El Reg ever got me that excited.

  16. g00se
    Headmaster

    Firemen != mass noun

    The year before, the same hospital saw no less than eight firemen...

    You mean "no fewer"

    1. TeeCee Gold badge
      Coat

      Re: Firemen != mass noun

      And the only reason the fire brigade attended at all was to provide the gentlemen of the press with obvious helmet gags to trot out the following day.

  17. MJI Silver badge

    I think they are used to help with softness

    So they get better erections, or get one in the first place, but sounds like they were too small.

    The idea of them stuck on scares me!

    1. Robert Moore

      Re: I think they are used to help with softness

      You seem suspiciously knowledgeable...

      1. MJI Silver badge

        Re: I think they are used to help with softness

        No just wondered why people did it

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I think they are used to help with softness

      As Richard Herring points out in his talk on the subject, the answer is to get ones made of an elastomer, so that you will not waste the time of your local A&E.

      There are self inflicted injuries for which I think the NHS should make a charge, but it might be a brave politician who authorised the little handbook which advised what they were, and how they could be prevented by a little common sense.

      1. x 7

        Re: I think they are used to help with softness

        "self inflicted injuries for which I think the NHS should make a charge, "

        what a load of cock

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I think they are used to help with softness

        >get ones made of an elastomer

        Wouldn't it make more sense to make them pneumatic/inflatable?

        And in a year or two, bring out the 2G model which adds some elastomer to make it look a bit more... organic. And a year or two after that, a bit more, and some smarts/programmability, to the 3G model, to make it more... functional? And a year after that, ...

  18. x 7

    if they'd used the leeches he would have ended up with a "cock-a-leaky"

    more prosaically, one slip and his penis would become a piccalo

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'll bet the fireman didn't get the title "Lord of the Rings"

    Unlike this bloke.

    1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

      Re: I'll bet the fireman didn't get the title "Lord of the Rings"

      Did he use a King Dick spanner, that is the question we all want to know:

      http://www.kingdicktools.co.uk/

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I'll bet the fireman didn't get the title "Lord of the Rings"

        Ah yes, I had the greatest pleasure of ordering an "8mm King Dick nut spinner" quite recently.

        I would love to have been a fly on the wall in the finance department that day!

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Getting ready for Rio?

    It's Olympics year, so maybe this guy was just preparing for Spain's still rings tryout?

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Some verse

    There once was a silly old codger

    with four metal rings on his todger.

    He said, Yes, they look quaint,

    but here's my complaint:

    I can't get it up for a roger!

    1. 's water music

      Re: Some verse

      upvoted because knob jokes and limericks ought both to be encouraged in these parts

  22. x 7

    wouldn't life be so much simpler if we were like dogs and dolphins and had a baculum bone in our penises?

    No erectile dysfunction, no brewers droop so no need for cock rings or viagra.

    Sex would be available instantly with no need for foreplay, even for the geriatric. Only downside would be an increase in the need for emergency heart defribulators

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Unhappy

      not so good for the girlfriend

    2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      I'm sure the codpiece industry would be grateful as well...

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      " and dolphins"

      Apparently dolphins don't have penile bones - nor do whales.

      A gorilla does have one - as do most primates - but it is only a few millimetres long. Whereas a dog has about 75mm (3 inches). The fossilised penile bone of a walrus was four and a half feet long (1.4m).

      http://mentalfloss.com/article/69282/8-hard-facts-about-penis-bone

  23. Omar Smith
    WTF?

    Dear Lester Haines ..

    Is there a web forum you would recommend where I can go and peruse images of todgers caught in domestic appliances, cause all that techno-waffle on here makes it difficult to find the good stuff.

    google on 'todger + Lester Haines' site:theregister.com: results about 776

    1. x 7

      Re: Dear Lester Haines ..

      Omar Smith

      you may be able to sate your interest with the photos at

      http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-476560/Dwarf-rushed-hospital-gluing-penis-hoover.html

      "As part of the spectacle, the dwarf pulls a Henry vacuum cleaner across the show attached to his penis........

      "But a special attachment connecting the 42-year-old to the appliance came loose.

      He decided to fix the broken apparatus with extra strong glue, but he left it to dry for only 20 seconds, instead of 20 minutes.

      This meant when he connected himself to the vacuum cleaner, the glue was not yet dry, and his penis was immediately stuck fast.............

      "He was taken to the accident and emergency department of Edinburgh Royal Infirmary, where, he said, nurses struggled for an hour to free him."

      1. x 7

        Re: Dear Lester Haines ..

        Here are some medical summaries of four instances of penile involvement with a vacuum cleaner

        Interesting reading

        http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1713722/pdf/brmedj00028-0030b.pdf

        free tip - don't try it at home

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Dear Lester Haines ..

          "Here are some medical summaries of four instances of penile involvement with a vacuum cleaner"

          A Scottish friend once assured me that stag nights not only involved large quantities of alcohol - but the groom sometimes found himself attached to a milking machine.

          1. AC Wilson

            Re: Dear Lester Haines ..

            Dear me, I've heard that automatic milking machines stop at a gallon.

      2. x 7

        Re: Dear Lester Haines ..

        video of Captain Dan the dwarf

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YR9LxbAH8d0

      3. Paul Crawford Silver badge

        Re: @x 7

        The Circus of Horrors is a good show - can highly recommend it. Not just for the dwarf & Henry, but all do a good and amusing job of entertaining!

    2. PNGuinn
      Go

      Re: Dear Lester Haines .. @ Omar Smith

      Have you tried googling spam javelin + Lester Haines by any chance?

  24. Richard 45

    London's Burning

    In the TV movie of this series from 1986, this is what happened to the man in the bath.

    "Blue Watch are called to rescue a 'trapped' man, but to their amusement it turns out he has trapped his private parts in a curtain ring. Josie resolves the situation by suggesting he use ice to reduce his 'swelling'."

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_London%27s_Burning_episodes#The_TV_Movie_.281986.29

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