Lawyer brands client 'small penis asshole' before challenging him to a DUEL

Something fishy here...

A lawyer with something approaching a sense of humour? Isn't there some law against that?

re. "small penis a**hole"

In typical legalese fashion, the exact meaning of this is open to interpretation. We need a court (and court appearances by lawyers) to decide.

I thought the standard practice was that the person who was challenged to the duel got to choose the weapon used, not the challenger. Bad form on the lawyer trying to pressure him into choosing small claims when he's perfectly entitled to pistols at dawn

Hopes dashed.

When I saw the "victim's" name was Mike, I was hoping it would be this guy, so I could settle in with some beer and popcorn.

Mixed metaphors

Isn't there some grammatical rules for mixing anatomically inspired insults.... It would save some nasty mental images.

The Irish Code of Honour

It would appear that in the heat of the moment Mr Franz did not take time to review the terms of the Irish Code of Honour, or whatever variation of it was appropriate in the state of Illinois. To facilitate the opportunity to settle this dispute without recourse to further language unbefitting gentlemen of quality, I proffer a link (PDF) to an example of such rules, regrettably applying to South Carolina. I have not found rules for Illinois, but the rules proscribed for general adoption throughout Ireland are available for your perusal at the conclusion of the missive.

Duelling has been made illegal many countries to reduce the number of officers trained at tax-payers expense killed or maimed as a result of the rivalries among them. Although not trained in the law of Illinois, I beleive it may be possible to settle the dispute legally, within those parts of the code that do not reference firing pistols.

Spectators should note that throwing a glove to the floor is more than sufficient to enact a challenge to a duel. The challengee could pick up the glove and use it to slap the face of the challenger. In my humble opinion, such uncouth behaviour is beneath the dignity of a gentleman, and the code of honour inappropriate when one of the participants demonstrates the habbits and conduct of low born riffraff. The only honourable way to commence a duel is through failure of negotiations between seconds.

The code is intended as recourse for harsh words, or if a gentlemen were somehow taunted beyond all reason, exchange of blows. There is no direct reference to a dispute concerning settlement of a bill, but - at a stretch - such an eventuality might be considered equivalent to cheating at cards if agreed upon by seconds.

If Mr Franz has not already retired in shame at the depths to which he has sunk, and wishes to attempt to proceed as a gentleman of honour, he should request a friend (not blood relative) to act as his second. Such a friend would not be able to proceed in good faith without a written or public apology from Mr Franz including a statement that Mr Rutzokwski is a gentleman and the size of is penis is either unknown to Mr Franz or is of sufficient to escape the faintest hint of ridicule.

If seconds are not able to convince their primaries to settle their trivial pecuniary differences, the American variations of the code inevitably lead all concerned to criminal activity. The correct time to settle a matter of honour is at the first opportunity. The place is the traditional place nearest the primaries as agreed by the seconds. The weapons are smooth-bore flint-lock pistols. More modern pistols me be used if acceptable to both primaries. The seconds should also be armed as it is the duty of a second to shoot the opposing primary should he fire before the agreed signal.

Irish rules include a possibility for unconventional weapons. If the challengee proposes a sword and the challenger admits to being unproficient, the challengee can name any other weapon and the challenger must accept the choice.

Bah!

I'm having a problem visualizing the new unit of size - the Penis Asshole.

Is it a measure of length, width, area or volume?

One doesn't want to fall into the trap of being ridiculed for measuring the path taken by New Horizons in Penis Assholes when it would have been more appropriate to use it to show how voluminous Pluto is or how much real estate there is on the unplanet.

Why exactly...

...do you think they are called "paid liars", in the U.S.? In U.S. law schools paid liars are taught to be able to argue both sides of any issue. In other words in the U.S. judicial system there is no "right or wrong" or compliance with law. Paid liars are allowed to make any personal assaults on plaintiffs without a shred of evidence to support their meritless, abusive, insulting, vial, disparaging allegations. This is routinely done to try and discredit an individual and make the paid liar look like the honest person when they are often the evil aggressors and typical liars. While not all paid liars fit the mold, a high percentage do as documented by millions of U.S. citizen's experiences.

As soon as any paid liar in the U.S. is outed for their uncivil and often illegal behavior, they immediately play the slander and libel card to try and stop any action against them. Believe it or not in the U.S. if a person files a complaint against an evil, incompetent, unscrupulous paid liar with the U.S. bar association and the person can not prove that the paid liar caused damages to the individual such as financial losses, etc. then the person filing the complaint can and usually is convicted in a U.S. court of slander or libel towards the paid liar and then fined and forced to pay damages to the paid liar, for reporting the unscrupulous paid liar to the bar association. The paid liar clan in the U.S. protects it's own. You have almost a zero chance of winning ANY claim against a paid liar in the U.S. no matter how evil, unscrupulous and criminal the paid liar is.

If the person named in this story tries to sue he is very likely to lose in a U.S. court unless he can prove a financial loss or some employment or other loss as a result of the unprofessional, intentionally intimidating, irrational, disparaging, demeaning, crude, ignorant e-mail he received. In the U.S. he who has the gold or JD, makes the rules. You can obtain as much "justice" in the U.S. judicial system as you can afford and many people are very distraught that the U.S. judicial system has become what one would expect of a third world country - or worse.

"Small claims" court

Seems appropriate.

**********

Why is asshole given in full in the headline but bowdlerised to a**hole in the article?