back to article Google patents DEVIL TOY which will BRAINWASH KIDS

A Google patent uncovered by tech law firm SmartUp seems to describe a toy that will look at and talk to your kids, then update a remote media device, depending upon the child's feedback. The inventor of the evil robot is named as Richard Wayne DeVaul, whose job title is "director of rapid evaluation and mad science" at Google …

  1. James 51

    'social cues'. Does hitting it with a hammer count?

    1. b0llchit Silver badge
      Black Helicopters

      hammer and HAMMER

      A hammer counts if it is spelled HAMMER and weighs in at 5 kg and upwards. Anything less may prevent the full effect of the hit being successful, which would be a real mishap.

      You may also want to use a DUAL HAMMER. One that swings towards the toy and the other one symmetrically swinging at the buyer of said toy. No need to clean up the mess afterwards, The suction provided by the toy's innards should be enough to absorb any unwanted spills.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: hammer and HAMMER

        "A hammer counts if it is spelled HAMMER and weighs in at 5 kg and upwards. Anything less may prevent the full effect of the hit being successful, which would be a real mishap."

        If it's hand held then you need a maul - it's like a (sledge) hammer but bigger and has a widened face on both sides and a longer handle. I've got one and it makes large bits of wood go into the ground really, really quickly. You do *not* get someone else to hold the stake in place whilst you wind up, you tap a few times one handed and then let 'er rip. If anyone is on the wrong end of a mis-strike they *will* get hurt.

        Now, if you remove the "human needed" requirement, we can indulge Sir with quite a variety of crushing implements. Perhaps we could start with the bijou concrete cube crusher? Popular on building sites but designed for only 10cm^3. Now if Sir would like to peruse our *ahem* other catalogue we have devices for rolling and, frankly, torturing structural steel ... anyway you get the idea 8)

    2. Captain DaFt

      'social cues'. Does hitting it with a hammer count?

      Hmm, I was thinking diesel oil and fire, better known as how to make teddy go 'WOOF!'

    3. Mpeler
      Childcatcher

      If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the mornin', I'd hammer in the evenin', all over that toy.......

      (apologies to PP+M and Pete Seeger)

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Has anyone thought about...

    Has anyone at google thought about putting this in a toaster yet ?

    1. davidp231
      Pint

      Re: Has anyone thought about...

      Or maybe a toilet?

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IflL8XMdbqQ

      I see your RD reference and raise you with this one - also have a pint of erskib on me. My original post was going to be a quote straight from your link before I viewed it..

  3. Ketlan
    Thumb Down

    Euurgh...

    Creepy. As. Fuck

    1. PleebSmash
      Devil

      Re: Euurgh...

      Everybody's a toy!

  4. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Joke

    "in a secret Google lab that may or may not be filled with roving robots, space elevators and talking refrigerators"

    What? No chatty doors?

    1. ratfox
      Happy

      Thank you for making a simple door very happy!

  5. BasicChimpTheory

    Was the Furby not patented prior to release in the late 1990s?

    (Before anyone may wish to partake in the picking of nits, the recent incarnation of the Furby talks to an app.)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Thankfully Furby remains comatose until it is either inverted or its tailed is pulled, inevitably confining it to a dusty spot on a high shelf. The accompanying Android app is superior by several degrees and can be often sensed pining for its furry brethren using barely ultrasonic PSK.

      Now where does one find advertised open positions at this Google X, I wonder?

    2. Mpeler
      Facepalm

      I think this owes a lot to Teddy Ruxpin

      This is just like Teddy Ruxpin, but as a remote....geeesh....gotta do better, Google....

  6. Mage Silver badge
    Devil

    Prior Art

    The USPTO is now obviously allowing any prior art as long as the application is filed properly.

    There is no innovation in this at all.

    Whether such toys should be legal at all, is another topic examined before on these pages.

    1. Doctor_Wibble
      Black Helicopters

      And Non-Obvious?

      How is a voice-activated disc changer worthy of a patent?

      "Oi Teddy, change the fckn tune".

      Or is the clever bit actually the part where it spots when the child is asleep and there's nobody else around and then starts to play the *real* tape, complete with a word from our sponsors...

      Do we do what Teddy says? I think so!

      1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

        Re: And Non-Obvious?

        I *always* do what Teddy says...

        opalcp12.wikispaces.com/file/view/I+Always+Do+What+Teddy+Says.pdf

      2. Mpeler

        Re: And Non-Obvious?

        Kind of like Teddy Ruxpin as a remote.....

    2. RAMChYLD

      Re: Prior Art

      +1. Thousands of toys (especially toys released only in Japan) already do what's described in the patent. The controversial Hello Barbie and those Interactive Story Buddies from Hallmark are some example. Going further back we have Cindy Smart (remember that?).

      On the other hand, we at least know Google is trying to make Google Panda a reality.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Prior Art

      The US patent process should be: "The Welfare for Lawyers - Program".

  7. Mark 85

    Taking Mattel are they?

    IIRC, Mattel wants to do the same thing with Barbie... This stuff is getting beyond spooky and intrusive. I would question the sanity of any parent buying one for their sprog.

    1. TeeCee Gold badge
      Alert

      Re: Taking Mattel are they?

      I would question the sanity of any parent....

      Was it not around here a few years gone that the words (from memory - YMMV): "In an age where parents register twitter and tumblr accounts for their newborns....", were uttered?

      The ship of parental insanity induced by crap tech sailed some time ago.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      Re: Taking Mattel are they?

      I don't want one for my sprog. Having been a sailor, I have none I'm certain of. I want one for myself. In the shape of a dragon.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        @Jack of Shadows

        Surely a parrot would be better

        1. This post has been deleted by its author

    3. fajensen
      Terminator

      Re: Taking Mattel are they?

      There is a Philip K. Dick story buried there somehow -

      Imagine Google's G-Teddy activating at night, running Mattels Babie through the garbage disposal unit; Then Mattel ups the stakes with an Iron man toy - with Lasers - frying GTeddy's. Google responds by ripping off the works of H.P. Lovecraft so now we have Mattels Avengers battling Goggles Tentacled Horrors from Beyond. The creatures will have several exciting battle hymns and of course be constructed in automated factories that nobody knows the location off.

      ... While humanity scurry around trying to avoid becoming collateral damage.

      1. Kane
        Alien

        Re: Taking Mattel are they?

        "The creatures will have several exciting battle hymns and of course be constructed in automated factories that nobody knows the location of."

        La mayyitan ma qadirun yatabaqqa sarmadi Fa idha yaji' al-shudhdhadh fa-l-maut qad yantahi.

      2. dc_m

        Re: Taking Mattel are they?

        That sounds like quite a cool film right there!

    4. h4rm0ny
      Childcatcher

      Re: Taking Mattel are they?

      Oh you question the sanity of such parents now, but wait until everyone has them and then listen to the faux-polite comments you get for depriving your child of one...

      * But isn't it safer knowing they have a Smart Toy keeping an eye on them. Did you know that every year thousands of children are abducted / die in accidents / are seriously injured whilst unattended, many of which could have been prevented if they had a Smart Toy with them that could report the child's distress / non-responsiveness / absence.

      * But don't you know that Smart Toys are designed to stimulate your child's learning. Smart Toys are shown to lead to a 4.7% improvement in maths scores in primary school children over those playing with non-interactive / education-focused toys.

      * All her other friends have one. Don't you realize how unhappy and left-out your child feels?

      I'm sure that I've missed a few things. Wait until these toys start networking with each other or allowing the parent to tune in and listen to what the child is doing at any time.

  8. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

    Judging by the wording...

    ...this must be a design patent since there's nothing jumping out as being any form of technical innovation, especially in such a woolly and wide randing description.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Judging by the wording...

      I don't think it can be a design patent because it specifies function not design (the famous Apple round corners work as a design patent in the UK only if they have no function - that would be an admission.) The patent is on a supposedly new way of interacting with computers, not using existing means. Interactive anthropomorphic robots don't exist, but POCs have focussed on human like interaction, not pet like.

      Cordwainer Smith had his Spieltiers, but not quite the same idea.

      Creepy? I'd like to see a POC first. Voice interaction with computers is something I find creepy, some people don't.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Oh... how original...

    They managed to patent telling your kid to go change the channel or switch on the light. Maybe they could build something more useful that you wouldn't tell your kid to do. Something like bringing a person a cold beer or a decent blowjob with a more playmate look about it.

    Why tell a toy to do something when you should just be able to tell the electronic thing to do it, itself? I don't want to find the toy and look at it just to turn the t.v. on. That's too much like trying to find the remote after someone else has used it.

    1. wayward4now
      Linux

      Re: Oh... how original...

      You beat me to it, a responsive Google Love Doll would be the ultimate product to rake in the bazillions. Just don't let MicroSoft screw it up. Please, keep it Open Source so it can be "dinked with" and modded.

      1. h4rm0ny

        Re: Oh... how original...

        >>"You beat me to it, a responsive Google Love Doll would be the ultimate product to rake in the bazillions. Just don't let MicroSoft screw it up. Please, keep it Open Source so it can be "dinked with" and modded."

        You really want such a product to be made by the world's largest advertising and data gathering corporation?

        Actually, scratch that - you really want such a product to be made?

    2. Gordo Rex

      Re: Oh... how original...

      They say it's supposed to be a Media Device Controller. If so, in the pictures they forgot to show in Widdle Bear's Tum-Tum the LEDs that are eternally flashing "12:00" like any decent Media Device Controller will have.

  10. Chris G

    Channel Changer Furby

    Presumably it also logs said sprogs media preferences for the benefit of Sales Propagandists

  11. FozzyBear

    Huh

    I have visions of the little transformer dry humping megan foxs leg

  12. Fixman Clary

    This sounds an awful lot like my Amazon Echo, only cuddlesome. When you talk to it the light ring illuminates and a section of it lights more brightly in the direction it thinks your voice is coming from so it sort of 'looks' at you, plus it communicates with the Amazon Echo app on my phone...

  13. kenmay139

    Handcrafted and Unique

    "...to suppress such unnecessary tinfoil-hattery..."

    Tin foil hat = each one handcrafted and unique.

    sheeple hats = all of them factory made and identical.

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      Re: Handcrafted and Unique

      They also work differently.

      You wear tin foil hat => You get carried off

      You don't wear sheeple hat => You get carried off

  14. NORRIS15000

    GOOG CONG establishes and accomplishes time travel in 2017. This is how I came to possess an I-Ball-G since 1939 -- the Google Conglomerate [an unavoidably reborn, usable term beginning around 2023] acquired Apple in 2020, who's own secretive, mad scientist invented the I-Ball but kept the 14 beta prototypes in its own back-room -- along with Jobs' reanimated corpse -- until the Conglomerate produced 140 functioning versions as the I-ball-G in 2031. 5 are used by Conglomerate fixers, 134 are owned and used by Ultras (tops in the Conglomerate hierarchy), and I stole number IBG 140. With it I can travel the centuries, read any mind, and of course access all internet from any position in time. In 1899 I befriended and gave Frank L Baum a device very similar to the one described in the article above. He passed it on to George Orwell who gave it to Christopher Hitchens who passed it on to Joanne Rowling. I have been evading the fixers since the 1939 premier of The Wizard of Oz (the Ultras don't like to read). I apologize, but I must run.

  15. iLuddite

    I await the day

    Oncoming traffic.

    Large wind screen.

    Smiling, jumbo iTeddy driving a googleCar.

  16. Malcolm Boura

    Patent madness

    That's not a patent! It's a statement of the bleeding obvious.

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
      Holmes

      Re: Patent madness

      It must be a practical joke, like the "axle-mounted rotative device to support linear movement of goods" patent (or whatever it was called) to just troll the USPTO for the doofus club it is.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Unhappy

        Re: Patent madness

        Sorry been done.

        You need to add "mobile device" somewhere in the patent to make it new and original.

  17. harmjschoonhoven
    Facepalm

    G-Teddy will come with

    1) replacable Duracell batteries, lasting 18 hours.

    2) non-replacable non-rechargable Li-batteries, lasting 1 year.

    3) rechargable batteries, keeps Teddy at 37 °C for 3 hours.

    4) exploding lithium-ion battery ⁕.

    5) plutonium-238 †.

    ⁕ only option for G-Dragon.

    † only option for G-Alien.

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
  18. Alistair
    Coat

    Didn't someone already do a movie -- or several?

    With this device?

    Prior art much?

  19. Ralph B
    Mushroom

    That Confirms It

    The pieces are falling into place. The autonomous Google vehicles packed with Nork nukes will appear to be piloted by cute animatronic teddy bears, to avoid suspicion, as they roll towards key locations in our major cities. Any talk of a Google Tax will soon disappear.

  20. Big_Boomer Silver badge

    Creepy?

    Only the USES it may be put to are potentially creepy. In Anne McCafferys SF novel "The Rowan" a child suffering from PTSD is given a "Pooky" toy to help monitor her mental state. It's the same argument as guns. Guns are not dangerous until you hand them to a human.

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