back to article Russia: There is a SPACECRAFT full of LIZARDS in orbit above Earth and WE control it

It's all systems gecko up in space, after the Russians finally regained control of a spacecraft packed full of horny lizards. The world's eyes anxiously turned towards Russia last Friday as it was revealed its space scientists had lost control of the satellite Foton-M4, which was on a mission to shoot the world's first zero- …

  1. Cratig

    Best tag line ever

    Made me ask IT for a new keyboard!

    Now, off to make a fresh brew

  2. Scuby

    V

    Pre-empting an Alien Invasion perhaps...?

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Icke

    I'm sure David Icke feel safer right now.

  4. Robert Helpmann??
    Childcatcher

    Important Stuff

    You have to get this stuff right if there is to be any hope for space tourism to really take off!

  5. Aquilus

    Hope he likes the lady lizards ;D

    Be rather amusing if after all this, the male turns out to be gay...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Hope he likes the lady lizards ;D

      Unlikely, with the new homophobic russian laws, Gay geckos have no chance to make it through the russian astronaut selection process......

    2. Bloakey1

      Re: Hope he likes the lady lizards ;D

      Well there is the Madagascan Day geckko, Oh I see you said "Gay".

      I have a Crocodile gekko living 'wild' in my bedroom, great for flies and mozzies but we do both start when we encounter each other face to face.

    3. Hollerith 1

      Re: Hope he likes the lady lizards ;D

      Or the lady lizards while well be gay. And no, not let him watch.

  6. Don Jefe

    Regained Control

    Well, it's nice to know Russia shares in the hubris that comes with having a space program. I'll sort of give them a pass for not knowing their sci-fi. The bookstores in Soviet Russia didn't have a very broad selection you know.

    Back to the hubris, they're either deluded and actually believe they've regained control of the craft or the Lizard People have operatives inside the Russian space program. Either way, the millennia of effort the Lizard People have put into teaching Humans how to create the infrastructure and utilize science to get into space in order to fertilize the eggs of their Queen in the glorious electromagnetic emissions of Sol will soon bear fruit.

    Prepare. Fight if you must, but show mercy to your women and children and do not let them witness the coming horrors.

  7. Haku

    John Oliver's #GoGetThoseGeckos campaign worked?!

    If you're not a regular watcher of "Last Week Tonight with John Oliver" then get on those torrents! Informative comedy gold.

    He also has a lot of clips from the show on YouTube with some generating millions of views, including this one about the space lizards which was broadcast last night: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b436uUuf_VI (watch for the cameos at the end)

  8. NorthernCoder
    Coat

    June/July?

    "The Russians managed to get a grip of Foton-M4 on Saturday, after they lost control on 19 June."

    According to thrustworthy [sic] sources (Wikipedia, HuffPost etc.) it was launched on 19 July

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: June/July?

      Ah, my friend you are not familiar with the marvels of modern russian science and project planning it seems... the statement was correct - the project team did lose control of the geckos in June and finally found out that due to an administrative error (read: drunk staff) they had been sent in space instead of shipped to the Ural Institute for Lizard Reproduction Research (also known affectionately known as Ural Seks).

      1. Solmyr ibn Wali Barad
        Trollface

        Re: June/July?

        "affectionately known as Ural Seks"

        That's a short moniker for Westerners.

        GlavBytVetMatYobTvoyuDrovNet might break somebody's tongue, if they lack experience, and do not take proper precautions (1/2 litres or so).

        1. Scroticus Canis

          Re: "GlavBytVetMatYobTvoyuDrovNet might break somebody's tongue"

          You mean that's actually talking, a language? I just thought they were permanently pissed and slurring everything.

  9. All names Taken
    Alien

    Perhaps ...

    ... the geckos will return in a century or two to find we all speak Chinese, spend doubles and use the UK as an international dumbing ground for recyclable alu fizzy pop cans?

    And worst still show that lizard lifeforms are really far more philanthropic that humans are to humans (besides humans taste nicer than bovine, pig, lamb or goat).

    1. Bloakey1

      Re: Perhaps ...

      < 鍘 >

      蜥蜴人好不好

      Four legs and digital hyperextension good, two legs and bromodosis bad.

    2. James O'Shea

      Re: Perhaps ...

      " use the UK as an international dumbing ground for recyclable alu fizzy pop cans?"

      IOW, nothing will have changed.

  10. All names Taken

    bugger!

    For doubles read roubles

    1. Bloakey1

      Re: bugger!

      你他媽的.

      你不发誓运行资本主义的猪狗

      1. Canopus

        Re: bugger!

        没家教, 你好土啊!

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: bugger!

        Google translate is surprisingly good sometimes. It seems to have rendered a good old Anglo-Saxon expression perfectly.

        Haven't seen "capitalist pigs and running dogs" since the days of students waving Chairman Mao's Little Red Book.

        1. Bloakey1

          Re: bugger!

          <snip>

          Yep, I do quite a few languages but sadly simplified Chinese is not one of them.

          "Haven't seen "capitalist pigs and running dogs" since the days of students waving Chairman Mao's Little Red Book."

          I used to love that phrase, I guess I am showing my age, I have a commie at Kings a lefty at Baliol and another who has yet to be politicised, who knows a fascist or even a UKIP voter (1.).

          Sadly translate let me down on the running dog bit but you caught the drift of my banter old bean.

          1. I care so little about politics I had to look that up.

  11. PK
    Coat

    Didn't anyone with a telescope think to check...

    ...whether there was a Do Not Disturb sign pinned to the outside?

    1. Bloakey1

      Re: Didn't anyone with a telescope think to check...

      Listening to the music"the best things in life are free" by the Flying Lizards. All getting it on down and dirty for the motherland and the glory of Russia.

      Meanwhile the US is using multi million pound drones, to drop multi hundred thousand dollar ordinance on multi dollar (monthly earnings) peasants in two bit countries.

      Methinks the lizard program has my vote, unless there is some fiendish commie plot!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Didn't anyone with a telescope think to check...

        Not a fiendish commie plot.... a fiendish lizzie plot.... subversive activists with slogans like: "Reptiles of the world unite", "Away with the mammal invaders Dinosaurs were here first!", "Geckos should stick together"

    2. This post has been deleted by its author

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Linux

    Found this page when I opened by browser

    It seems my OpenSUSE laptop automatically opens anything that has "gecko porn" Those tails don't curl by themselves, you know.

    Tux, 'cos that's closest.

  13. Herby

    What a way to....

    Sell insurance!

    Note to USA impaired:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GEICO#Advertising_campaigns

  14. Andus McCoatover
    Windows

    Bet the male lizard can't get it up....

    ....having no idea in spaaaace which way 'up' is...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Bet the male lizard can't get it up....

      I've been wondering if they sent him some ED pills in case he doesn't fancy and of the "ladies."

  15. Eddy Ito

    I wonder which is worse, a spacecraft full of lizards or a hovercraft full of eels.

    1. John Savard

      Well, in the latter case, Russia would have to call on Hungary for assistance.

    2. MrDamage Silver badge
      Pint

      Have an upvote to counter the ignorant git who doesn't know his Python.

      And a pint. Python is always better with a pint.

  16. MonkeyBob
    Black Helicopters

    The real problem

    Was that they were launching this mission and nobody was paying attention. One quick "emergency" later and they have everyones attention.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Alien

    I think this was how the TV series "V" started...

    A few years and a little cosmic radiation and BAM!!!--lizard-people overlords from space!!

    Now we need to get a capsule full of hair stylists up there to get the returning conquerors their layered 80s coifs....

  18. skeptical i
    Devil

    Get Samuel L. Jackson on the phone ...

    ... the Russkies have seen our Snakes on a Plane and raised us Reptiles on a Rocket.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    A few IT techies now breathing a sigh of relief that they will not be spending the next few years breaking rocks in Siberia!

  20. iranu

    All hail our reptilian overlords!

  21. sawatts

    Return trip

    I rather hope that this is not a one-way trip for our little green friends. I always felt that the fate of Lyka and co rather tarnished the space race.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    How long before they try this with a human?

    Could you imagine the ribbing the kid would get in school on earth?

    Teacher: So Billy, where were you born?

    Billy: points to the ceiling excitedly On a space ship!

    Classroom bully: Billy's an Alien! tee hee!

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