So disappointed, after three boring minutes I was expecting its head to explode or something...
Gadgets are NOT the perfect gift for REAL men
Let’s pretend it’s your birthday. For some of you, it may actually be your birthday, in which case you’re going to find this bit simple enough. Now, what kind of present would you like? Concentrate as I work myself into a trance. The mists are clearing... you want... you want... some sort of techie gadget. Well, that was easy …
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Friday 12th July 2013 11:16 GMT Mike Taylor
Re: Simple enough
The one good thing about receiving whisky is that it'll last long enough to be given to someone who will like it. Despite the fact that I gag when people mention the blasted stuff, never drink it, never express an interest in it, I have been given half a dozen bottles of it over the years. God knows why. And I'm such an easy person to buy presents for! (Yes, a box of fine ale would be most gratefully received)
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Friday 12th July 2013 12:47 GMT Fred Flintstone
Re: Simple enough
I think someone may have given me a bottle of whiskey as a present. Not sure.
All I can remember is waking up with an empty bottle on the floor and having "armitage shanks" imprinted on my head (with thanks to Al Murray :) ).
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Friday 12th July 2013 14:06 GMT Paul Kinsler
Re: useful presents, eh?
Costly but worthless gifts facilitate courtship
Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences, Vol. 272, No. 1575, p1877-1884 (2005)
doi:10.1098/rspb.2005.3152
by Peter D. Sozou, Robert M. Seymour
What are the characteristics of a good courtship gift? We address this question by modelling courtship as a sequential game. This is structured as follows: the male offers a gift to a female; after observing the gift, the female decides whether or not to accept it; she then chooses whether or not to mate with the male. In one version of the game, based on human courtship, the female is uncertain about whether the male intends to stay or desert after mating. In a second version, there is no paternal care but the female is uncertain about the male's quality. The two versions of the game are shown to be mathematically equivalent.
We find robust equilibrium solutions in which mating is predominantly facilitated by an ‘extravagant’ gift which is costly to the male but intrinsically worthless to the female.
By being costly to the male, the gift acts as a credible signal of his intentions or quality. At the same time, its lack of intrinsic value to the female serves to deter a ‘gold-digger’, who has no intention of mating with the male, from accepting the gift. In this way, an economically inefficient gift enables mutually suitable partners to be matched.
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Friday 12th July 2013 14:46 GMT Irony Deficient
life lessons from Badfinger
I put away the knife, the chisel and the saw
I’ve locked away my life behind this old oak door
To make a simple spoon, a token of my love
In hope that maybe soon, it’s me you’re thinking of
~~~~~~~~
So take my spoon, Blodwyn
Make it soon, Blodwyn
The valley knows the way I feel today
So take my spoon, Blodwyn
Make it soon, Blodwyn
Before some other spoon takes you away
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Friday 12th July 2013 20:09 GMT Anonymous Coward
Re: useful presents, eh? -Costly but worthless gifts facilitate courtship
So what are these "intrinsically worthless" gifts? I suppose an enormous firework display while the woman is wearing dark glasses might count, or perhaps a trip on a superyacht in conditions so vile that everybody is puking down below.
It seems to me that the authors of this paper might need more background research in economics, because the whole "intrinsically worthless" thing looks like it needs more definition.
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Saturday 13th July 2013 07:12 GMT Anonymous Coward
Re: useful presents, eh? -Costly but worthless gifts facilitate courtship
@ribosome
> So what are these "intrinsically worthless" gifts?
Concert tickets for Adele. Two tickets are doubly-worthless and doubly-expensive, but shows your commitment to her. ;-)
[Useful trick here is to date someone with a sister/really good best friend: when she says "I wish X could come as well" you can 'reluctantly' give up your ticket to the sis/bestie. You've still spent the money but at least you don't have to sit through the concert - only the reliving of it afterwards. Forever.]
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Saturday 13th July 2013 17:18 GMT Rune Moberg
Re: useful presents, eh? -Costly but worthless gifts facilitate courtship
Sigh. I bought my wife a pair of tickets for something called "P!nk" thinking she'd take one of her gfs along. Unfortunately, the designated victim fell ill at the last moment and I had to attend in her place.
Four hours of my life I will never get back. Grrr.
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Sunday 14th July 2013 22:23 GMT OzBob
Re: useful presents, eh? -Costly but worthless gifts facilitate courtship
Best pointless gift, 2 tickets to the ballet, then you can sit there in your best bib-and-tucker and ask the following questions,...
- Which one is Wayne Sleep? he's the only one I know.
- Will there be a half-time break?
- There's no numbers on their backs - how does the referee know when they're offside?
- Why is there a net over the orchestra pit?
It may be painful in the short term but you will get silence and non-participation during the next footy game.
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Friday 12th July 2013 11:05 GMT Ben Tasker
Re: I am not making this up
I've learnt that it's often a good idea to get a 'wind up' present so the real gift is a little better appreciated if you've bought something that may not have been appropriate.
For example, one year I went into a clothes store during a closing down sale and bought the bottom half of a female manikin. Along with the real present (can't actually remember what it was) I gave my wife the new bum she complains about wanting from time to time.
After the initial shock (perhaps letting her unwrap it in front of her entire family was a bit mean), it went down reasonably well and made for a memorable gift. Made a good footstool too!
The worst thing you can buy, is an Iron - even as the wind-up present - it just doesn't fly (or if you're unlucky, it does - at you).
Got my 5ft Mother-in-law a couple of Yellow Pages books the Xmas before last too
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Friday 12th July 2013 14:40 GMT Intractable Potsherd
Re: I am not making this up @ Ben Tasker
"The worst thing you can buy, is an Iron ..."
As my dad found out many years ago. Mum had been saying that the old one was not working properly, and so he really thought this would make a good present for her birthday ...
Trouble is, he didn't learn - I remember the (apparently) seven-day frosty atmosphere after he got her a new chip-pan after complaints about the old one!
Did it sink in with me, you might ask? Well, probably not, given the receptions to a satnav, an MP3/4 player, and a pair of hiking boots over the years (not for my mum, though). I now insist on either a) a very clear statement of what she wants or b) it is going to be something soooooooooo useless and expensive that the argument is going to be as big as getting something useful (and probably cheaper) anyway. I refuse to buy silly fluffy monkeys just to "show I care".
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Friday 12th July 2013 10:59 GMT Anonymous Coward
REAL Blokes expect REAL presents
Who actually likes those rubbish, plasticky "gadgets"? They're totally sodding useless.
Much better to put some thought in to it and discuss what they want/need in their work/hobby. Nothing worse than having to fake happiness when someone buys you something you already own.
Also, if you do have to give up and decide to go down the voucher root, forget vouchers and simply give cash. Vouchers are too easily turned to rubbish these days by chains etc. going bust.
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Friday 12th July 2013 20:14 GMT Anonymous Coward
This year's campaign is focused on a robotic lawnmower.
Best gadget ever.
I hate mowing, and the little green robot means I don't have to do it. The dog ignores it. It just trolls around slowly in the sunshine apparently doing nothing, and then you notice the grass is now short.
Just get one. You will not regret it. I don't work for a lawnmower company, but I really wish I'd invented it.
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Friday 12th July 2013 11:06 GMT Ninetailed
I periodically remind friends, family, and associates that I don't "do" birthdays. I do not stress about getting presents for them, and don't even give them the option of doing the same for me by simply never revealing my birthday where it is not legally necessary to do so. Has caused offence a few times, but they all get the hint after a while.
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Friday 12th July 2013 14:48 GMT Gene Cash
Man, I wish I could +1000 this. One of my ex-friends is precisely for this reason. He'd get really offended and pissy when I shied away from the birthday thing no matter how many times I tried to explain it. One year I just finally told him to fuck off and die.
Since I can't think of gifts for other folks, I feel *really* bad when someone gives me something, especially since it's never anything close to something I want, and since I'm not good at faking my expressions, you can tell right away from my face. Plus I hate a big fuss over things.
A simple "happy birthday" is sufficient and maybe an amusing card if you really want to go overboard.
I'll have to steal that "Feb 30th" trick.
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Monday 15th July 2013 03:48 GMT Anonymous Coward
Anti-selfworship
To do or not to do birthdays...
I totally agree. I cannot fake things and my face shows it all:
"What? Why did you even remember my birthday? Oh! it was so we could have another excuse to have a pint!? Good on you matey!"
"What? Why did you even remember my birthday? Huh? I hate these kinds of shirts..."
"What? Why did you even remember my birthday? Shit... It's the wrong model..."
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Sunday 14th July 2013 21:39 GMT N2
Re: Dutch Oven...
Thats very poor of her not to appreciate your carefully stored & matured flatulence. I suggest further training as follows:
1. Try and concentrate on a high fibre diet, pea or onion soup combined with a roast dinner & stuffing. Then perhaps a curry, timing and order of these are essential.
2. Next consider the pre delivery approach, you have to hook your one leg around hers . Then in one move of the free leg, cover her in the duvet at the same time embracing with your arms, this renders her unable to move.
3. Deliver. Timing here is vital, too much pressure will result in disaster. Hold firm if she wriggles but if successful, the potent aroma circumnavigates foreplay and she will demand immediate satisfaction.
4. It may be inadvisable to smoke afterwards
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Friday 12th July 2013 11:43 GMT ukgnome
I bought the wifelet a vacuum cleaner, and not a posh fancy Dyson, I am sure she loved it! I did also buy her a fancy shiny shiny slate as well, so maybe the droid tech is the gift that prompted her her smiles. But in my mind it was the cheapo vacuum cleaner, hey it had a hippo filter which is useful right, I mean who want's to inadvertently suck up a hippo.
Actually my Wife hardly ever buys me tech as that would be like buying me a tie. In fact I ask for puzzle boxes and all manner of things that make my brain hurt. And she usually gets bought a gadget, it's a sort of present reversal as she is an academic (just how many degrees does one women need) and I'm more stuck in my world of IT hell.
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Friday 12th July 2013 11:51 GMT Cliff
Nothing in flimsy plastic
That includes crappy bopping monkeys and cheapo real headphones, anything sold as a 'gifts for him' in BHS, etc. It's fit for landfill before it arrives. Nothing with a screen either, if it's in the gifts league it'll be crap - I spend many hundreds of quids on the best smartphones at their expensive sunrise technology peak, whatever you find will not compete. Best present this year was a good spy novel :) Oh, and some nice hot horseradish.
For the Mrs, I still really on guesswork but have found transient stuff like nice flowers and snazzy picnic foods work well. Grand gesture gifts usually fall flat so have given them up!
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Friday 12th July 2013 11:53 GMT Kristian Walsh
Reminds me of the story where Bill Shankly (legendary former manager of Liverpool FC, for non UK readers) was seen in the stands at a football match with his wife beside him.
Catching up with him later, a reporter jokingly asked: "So, did you bring your wife to the game as an anniversary present?", to which reply was: "No, it was her birthday. Do you honestly believe I'd go and get married in the middle of the football season?"
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Friday 12th July 2013 12:00 GMT Anonymous Coward
Don't buy me tech; please!
If you want to deduct this to 'real men' then I think 'real men' better buy their own tech goodies.
I don't know about you, but when I get myself a goodie I'm a nitpicker. When I set my eyes on model 3515SB1a I most certainly will not settle for 3515SB1b, even though we might be talking about minor differences. Simply because I read the specs for the 'a model' and I know what it can't do. "This one is just as good" does not cut it for me when talking tech.
I'm weird enough to pay close attentions to details like that, but I honestly doubt some of my non-tech friends or even my gf would. So to avoid any awkward situations or ending up with tech goodies I might not even use I'd rather have my friends not buy me stuff like that.
For my last birthday my gf treated me (and herself ;-)) to a nice dinner in a restaurant. That's the kind of stuff I really enjoy much more than a well meant attempt of giving me some tech stuff.
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Friday 12th July 2013 14:55 GMT Intractable Potsherd
Re: Don't buy me tech; please!
There is a lot of truth to that. In the past, I have tried to be as specific as possible about what I want (having been hedged into a corner by the "but you can't buy your own present" non-argument). It was then my fault because the sales-monkey had, for whatever reason, not just handed one over (pre-internet shopping, of course), and the standard birthday argument ensued because I *had* got what I wanted :-(
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Friday 12th July 2013 12:16 GMT Kubla Cant
The problem with a gadget as a gift for a techie is that it's likely to be inferior to, and possibly more expensive than, the model that you'd have bought yourself after exhaustive research.
So-called "kitchenalia" seems to be acceptable to both sexes (except unredeemed men who can't cook and old-school feminists who won't). My ex-wife recently gave me a food mixer and a pasta maker, both very welcome. I'm thinking of buying her some decent kitchen knives, as the ones in her kitchen are blunt rubbish, but for some reason I'm queasy about the idea of a knife as a gift.
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Friday 12th July 2013 14:24 GMT Irony Deficient
knives as a gift
Kubla Cant, as long as the gift of cutting is accompanied with a storage block, you have no need to feel queasy. If you still can’t shake that feeling, perhaps a knife sharpener would be an acceptable substitute? Or even a gift certificate to have her current set sharpened, rather than a device to do so herself?
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Friday 12th July 2013 15:00 GMT Intractable Potsherd
Pasta-maker
Ah, yes - the only "tech" I've ever bought for a woman that was appreciated (she had asked for it specifically, and went with me to make sure I got the right one).
Completely wasted on me - pasta is pasta is pasta. It is a flour and water paste in different shapes. There is (in my opinion) no difference between the cheapest dried stuff from the bottom shelf in Morrison's and the stuff my wife spends hours making (and then giving to people as presents ...)
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Friday 12th July 2013 12:36 GMT Haku
How To Please A Woman Every Time:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship ....
How To Please A Man Every Time:
Show up naked with beer.
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Friday 12th July 2013 16:33 GMT David Hicks
Wanna Hang?
Right, so wanna hang allows you to remotely/discretely proposition potential mates in the same room. One presumes then that these folks are supposed to also be running the App, which will ping and beep when a message is received.
And this is a non-interruption?
Either way, it requires someone else to go into a pre-meditated "yes I'm looking for some attention" state, which seems pretty bloody unlikely outside of a 1970s car-key party.
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Friday 12th July 2013 16:50 GMT Don Jefe
Gift for a Mans Man
If whisky isn't appropriate and they don't smoke I get them a hammer. A man can never have too many hammers and these Gramercy cabinet makers hammers are great.
http://www.toolsforworkingwood.com/store/dept/CGT/item/GT-KHAM.XX/Gramercy_Tools_Kings_County_Cabinetmaker's_Hammers
They look wonderful, present well and no one has ever been disappointed. If nothing else they are caught off guard and you can't help but admire the craftsmanship.
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Friday 12th July 2013 19:22 GMT WylieCoyoteUK
I have bought my wife gadgets that she likes.
A digital photo frame, later replaced by a wall mounted PC in the kitchen, which is used for recipes , music, and as a digital photo frame.
A Netbook, recently replaced by a Nexus7.
I have also bought her gadgets that did not go down as well..
Best present I ever bought her was a holiday to Nantes, which included a trip on the Sultan's Elephant at the Machines de l'ile. (mega gadgetry!)
She in turn has treated me to a food mixer, and more recently, a baking stone, a baker's peel and a grignette amongst other farinaceous gadgetry....
In the past I have had expensive Olive oil and a large container of Saffron...
But mostly, these days we just buy ourselves what we want, it's easier.
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Saturday 13th July 2013 14:16 GMT Alistair Dabbs
>> when you were in Rodes all those years ago
You should have seen my mother-in-law's face when she unwrapped a foot-massage roller we'd given her one Christmas. She managed to open the end of the parcel so carefully that the roller slipped out neatly on its own, leaving the packaging and instructions unnoticed inside the wrapping paper. She held it upright and stared at it for a full minute before we spotted her and were able to assure her that it wasn't a carved phallic totem.
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Sunday 14th July 2013 08:12 GMT Nogbad1958
Real women like tools!
My sweetie has had a hammer, a set of screwdrivers and a stepladder in recent times, all of which garnered me extra cuddles! Of course it does help if said sweetie is of the bodge it yourself variety, and it means I don't have to think where the h**l is my stepladder when I start a job.
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Sunday 14th July 2013 19:47 GMT Steve Davis
I once bought my wife an handheld electric whisk which she immediately recycled as a projectile. Ouch!
I bought my son a torque wrench. He waited until he got home before opening it in case it was a disappointing wind up (carnations in a torque wrench box). Phoned me to say it was the best present he had ever been given.
My daughter bought me a Chinese wok set a few years ago and I am ashamed to say that it is in the back of the cupboard unopened. Still using the wok I bought in the Chinese supermarket 20-odd years ago for about two quid.
The video of Clockwork Orange, still unopened after five+ years :(