back to article Segway daddy unveils DIY weight-loss stomach pump

Dean Kamen, the serial inventor best known for bringing us the Segway Personal Transporter in 2001, has come up with a new electronic transport system, this time designed to move predigested food out of your stomach to help you lose weight. As reported by The Independent, the technique is known as Aspiration Therapy, and Kamen …

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  1. Grave

    how about

    some healthy workout?

    shocking i know... :rolleyes:

    1. LarsG
      Meh

      No no no

      A stomach contents sucking up machine!

      Though I do see a market for it in Celebrity circles........

      Soon there will be Celebs signing themselves into the Betty Ford Clinic for their addiction to the thing.

    2. miknik
      WTF?

      I've already got an A tube

      it leads to my A hole. It might not be hip and modern but it works. Call me old fashioned but I think I'll keep doing it my way.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Some sympathy the larger folk

        I'm one of those Thin on the Outside, Fat on the Inside people who drinks and eats with seeming impunity (but probably have well padded internal organs). I watched one of those programs years back about REALLY fat people, the ones who require a wall to be demolished to get them out the house... One of them said "Imagine being an alcoholic, but you HAD to have a drink every day- how long would you last?" Whatever caused these people to over eat seems different to the run-of-the-mill chubby types, but this man seemed very sincere, desperate even.

        1. Annihilator
          Unhappy

          Re: Some sympathy the larger folk

          "I'm one of those Thin on the Outside, Fat on the Inside people who drinks and eats with seeming impunity"

          I used to be one of those people. Rejoice not though, at some point your metabolism will give way!

          1. Mike Flugennock

            Re: Some sympathy the larger folk

            "I'm one of those Thin on the Outside, Fat on the Inside people who drinks and eats with seeming impunity"

            I used to be one of those people. Rejoice not though, at some point your metabolism will give way!

            When I was a teenager, I was the official "skinniest kid in school". I'd have myself a ham'n'cheese sandwich with half a Cadbury bar and wash it down with a soda immediately upon coming home from school. My Mom used to scold me about "ruining my dinner". Dinnertime would roll around, and I'd have seconds of everything, especially if we were having lasagna that night.

            After graduating college, I was still rail-thin, and my Mom used to warn me that one day I was going to be "forty years old and fat". I'm 55 now, hovering around 165-170 pounds -- having gained all of thirty pounds since graduating high school -- and still happily scarfing everything in sight but the handles on the fridge doors and often washing it down with a pint of stout. My wife likes to joke that I'm "still a growing boy". She was diagnosed diabetic six or seven years ago and was put on a fairly strict diet; she's dropped nearly thirty pounds and is within ten pounds of what she weighed in college, but has to pay close attention to what she eats and how much.

            Naturally, when my wife went on the diet, I began eating more or less the same as she at dinnertime, though I was still hoovering food as usual in the meantime. She was furious for the first month or two as it seemed that she was doing all the dieting, but I was losing all the weight; she lost nothing in the first month of the diet while I lost five pounds. She really did hate me for awhile for that.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Some sympathy the larger folk

              Like you, I've always eaten far more than my size would indicate. I weighed 138 lbs (62.5 kgs) upon high school graduation and 30 years later still range between 148 lbs (67 kgs)and 158 lbs (71.5 kgs). I do have a great deal of empathy for those with weight issues as I eat more than many of them and exercise less. One's metabolism is the largest single factor in reference to a person's weight.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I've already got an A tube@miknik

        "It might not be hip and modern but it works"

        It only works as an A tube if you've got it bypassing your intestines. Arguably for the porkers, having a tap on the front of one's beer gut lacks a certain amount of practicality, so a more elegant solution would be the A tube installed internally as an intestinal bypass, with user control by wifi and an iPhone app ('cos what other form of control is there?).

        "Ooops. Shouldn't have eaten that fourth pie and chips. I know, I'll just dial in a 30% bypass, and whilst that gets to work I'll hurry along and find myself a trap". An added efficiency benefit is that the phone isn't just the control gear, it enables employees to be contactable whilst entrapped, and if there's no work emergency it can be the reading material so essential to a satisfactory dump. What's not to like?

        S***ing an undigested chocolate gateaux or a curry may take some getting used to, and maybe that's not to like.

  2. Martin Huizing
    FAIL

    Wow, just wow!

    These people aren't interested in your health as so much your money.

    I am overweight, I know and Summer comes I am going back on the bike and change my diet (not going on one)

    IMHO a healthy appetite is just as important as keeping fit. This does not look healthy!

    1. Jay Holmes

      Re: Wow, just wow!

      @Martin Huizing,

      Why wait until summer mate, I know the weather is a bit of crap at the moment so leave off on the bike, but walk everywhere (good brolly and coat lol) (dont want to sound like a smug twat, have had to get off my arse this week instead of waiting for better weather!!)

      I think this story is a piss take this company isnt interested in helping you lose weight, it is just purely and simply a means of taking money out of your pocket. But what do you expect from the inventor of the Segway which is as far as I can tell is a personal transportation system designed to be used in places where everyone walks. So you have one system that is designed to stop you from doing some exercise and then the "solution" a few years later!!

      1. David Hicks
        Coat

        Re: Wow, just wow!

        I cycled a few miles at the weekend. So long as it's not actually raining there's nowt wrong with cycling in the cold. Just get yourself a pair of gloves and a lightweight jacket, you'll soon warm up.

        And no, I'm not usually an advocate of old-fashioned getting out there and doing it, damn the weather etc etc, I only (re)took up cycling last year. In Australia where it's warm all the time. I've been genuinely surprised that it's pleasant to cycle here. Even in January.

      2. hamsterjam
        Flame

        Re: Wow, just wow!

        Better still, the Segway is actually a natural replacement for the wheelchair. There is already at least one (German) engineer who has designed a Segway-based wheelchair which offers a change-up for those who need it: completely hands-free operation, climbs stairs and kerbs, offers the possibility to be at eye-level with standing "walky-talky's"*. Yet I haven't seen one in real life, and AFAIK it's still only a prototype.

        The only people I have seen with Segways are soldiers, policemen and people who can spooge that kind of money on a toy.

        Mr Kamen's heart is clearly in the right place (viz the Slingshot water purifier). It's just a shame that the fruits of his cleverness are not automatically available to those who might derive the greatest benefit from them.

        I'm guessing that if Mr Kamen had presented the Segway to his backers as a help for the disabled it would still be on the drawing board.

        *According to Ian Dury this is what children in wheelchairs call the rest of us...

        1. Downside
          Headmaster

          Re: Wow, just wow!

          "Better still, the Segway is actually a natural replacement for the wheelchair. There is already at least one (German) engineer who has designed a Segway-based wheelchair which offers..."

          The Segway is actually derived from his original design which was a wheelchair that could go up stairs; it's where Kamen designed his original stability concept. It had three wheels each side.

          /pedant mode

      3. Lallabalalla
        Go

        Re: Wow, just wow!

        Nah - there's no such thing as the wrong weather - only the wrong type of clothing.

    2. pepper

      Re: Wow, just wow!

      Get proper clothing, biking in the winter can be as rewarding as biking in the summer, I am a mountain-biker myself and love the ever changing scenery at the track throughout the year. Although the recent month of rain has create a think blubber like substance that hardens quite fast.

      Anyway, proper clothing/shielding from the wind and rain is probably most important.

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        Re: Wow, just wow!

        >Anyway, proper clothing/shielding from the wind and rain is probably most important.

        Don't even need that for as long as you keep moving. Nothing beats changing out of wet clothes into dry, and then sitting next to a pub fire / eating tea and toast.

        I think my favourite singletrack has turned into streams this year, though, so might take up kayacking.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Alternatively...

    ...just eat the correct amount in the first place.

    Carlos Montaner got it right: "Sometimes, after societies have satisfied all their basic needs, they begin to do crazy things. Sometimes, they die of prosperity."

    1. Psyx
      WTF?

      Re: Alternatively...

      A good way of figuring out if your society has gone too far with something:

      Imagine showing a bunch of starving kids in the third world a TV advert for it and watching their reaction.

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        Re: Alternatively...

        And then there was an outside visitor to ancient Rome, and he noted by how much the locals talked about constipation and it's opposite. A result of a refined diet on their alimentary canals.

  4. FreakBakingAccident
    Meh

    Bulimics have been doing this for years....

    Albeit pumping it back out the hole they ate it through....

    1. LarsG
      Meh

      Re: Bulimics have been doing this for years....

      Yes but this machine will prevent the stomach acids from ruining their teeth.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Bulimics have been doing this for years....

        it will still encourage the "binge and purge" mentality that is the problem with it though. It's a short step from, oops I've eaten too much I'll suck some of it out, to I can eat a lot more now because I'm going to suck it all out.

        I accept that it might be a way to treat existing bulimics, but I thing it would encourage that behaviour in anyone who wasn't one already.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Bulimics have been doing this for years....

          Bulimia is an eating disorder and as such is a form of mental illness, not a "mentality". Saying this can cause bulimia is like saying that making people put things in order can cause OCD. It's cargo cult theory with no basis in fact.

  5. John B
    Meh

    Give people another reason to eat even more

    I'm somewhat saddened that I live in a society that throws out tonnes of food every day. And now this just gives people the choiceof eating more food that they don't need. At the very least, I hope they compost their organic slurry but that would be wishful thinking wouldn't it? :(

    1. Laurent_Z
      Boffin

      They didn't speak about the B tube.

      It goes directly from the hole in you chest to your mouth, so you you can BOTH barf AND recycle.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      Re: Give people another reason to eat even more

      Composting of the slurry is all very well. What if they open the valve and draw gas, not oil?

      Would you recommend flaring, in order to reduce the GHG impact of the methane? Would the HSE recommend personal flaring? And would there be any shame for pie munchers in being seen with a ten foot high, bright orange flame coming from between their shirt buttons? Pubs and workplaces might have to ask people to go outside with the smokers to flare off.

      An alternative would be to have a low pressure container for waste gas, enabling the user to bottle the magic, and release it conveniently and on demand. There might even be a market to sell it to pranksters and those who aren't keen on complying with GASP (generally accepted social practice).

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Give people @John B

      "I hope they compost their organic slurry "

      You must be an environmentalist, because you see this as waste. I, on the other hand, see a whole new market:

      "New, nutritous PreChew (tm)! Guaranteed easy to eat, easy to digest, because half the work has already been done for you! Ideal for invalids, malnutrition victims, the elderly, hospital patients, and the terminally lazy!!

      Think of the markets: Hospitals, Disaster relief, NGO's, care homes. Even commuters with no time could snack on a tube of PreChew (tm). And you know what's great? My newly formed corporation would pay the bunters for the raw materials. Tankers could go round daily in areas with high pie-muncher densities, sucking the slurry from temporary holding tanks (or maybe use sterilised bottles, and collect it using the established milk rounds but operating in reverse).

      And in times of crisis overseas, people could eat as their contribution to the disaster relief - the UK economy benefits from higher food sales, the porkers get paid, the orphans get fed - everybody's happy. Imagine the delight of starving orphans when a delivery of PreChew (tm) is flown in from Glasgow, with the unmistakeable flavour of deep fried everything!

  6. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

    Some people enjoy food more than exercise

    Give them Baron Harkonnen's suspensor belt.

    1. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Re: Some people enjoy food more than exercise

      You got there before me... The Baron, of course, had a heart-plug like every Harkonnnen except for Sting.

      More seriously, one of the fat hairy bikers was on the radio the other day, saying that he had changed his diet, and that it amazing the quantity if medication prescribed to middle aged blokes - statins, wolferin etc - just to allow them to continue in unhealthy lifestyles.

      1. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
        Mushroom

        Re: Some people enjoy food more than exercise

        OI

        I'm one of those fat middle aged blokes prescribed statins, beta blockers etc etc etc

        Sadly after a lifestyle of no smoking , regular daily exercise, a small amount to drink, I still got diagnosed with a 95% blocked heart artery and had emergency surgery to correct it resulting in the aforementioned drugs being jammed down my throat by the doctors to prevent any more damage occuring

        PS If you want to lose weight , I can reccommend no better diet than "Boris' heart surgery diet", it can result in you losing over 40lbs in 3 months... partly because the doc tells you its good for you, partly because hospital food is crap, but mostly because you're in too much pain to eat anything.

  7. LaeMing
    Meh

    Surgery. Bugger that!

    When one of the doctors at the medical center I attend muttered something about stomach-reduction surgery, I thought 'screw that!' and fixed up my diet (I was already doing plenty of exercise). It certainly wasn't easy fighting my sub-conscious - it has a hell of a lot of dirty tricks to make me want to eat more than I need and entirely the wrong things, but so far -- two months later -- I am nicely ahead of schedule to get from mildly-obese to overweight by my birthday in late Feb.

    I call it the DER diet -- Don't Eat Rubbish (except at birthday parties).

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      Re: Surgery. Bugger that!@Lae Ming

      "I am nicely ahead of schedule to get from mildly-obese to overweight by my birthday in late Feb."

      Good on yer mate!

  8. Chris Miller

    Or you could leave your Segway

    and actually walk somewhere. Shocking concept, I know.

  9. Thomas 4
    WTF?

    How the hell can this possibly be healthy?

    Nutrition isn't my particular field of medical expertise but wouldn't this leave the stomach open to all kinds of potential infections, not to mention screwing up all kinds of delicate systems in there?

    1. CCCP
      Mushroom

      Re: How the hell can this possibly be healthy?

      @Thomas 4

      Nope. The stomach is one nasty place, swimming in hydrochloric acid for a start, plenty resistant to bugs.

      The risk is probably more the skin interface, where you hook up to pumpfecate.

      Ewwwghhhhh...

    2. Marvin the Martian
      Windows

      It may become obligatory in Magaluf.

      Having a DIY pump facility installed would certainly help reduce emergency calls from binge drinkers --- their mates could just pump them & continue.

  10. 0laf
    Pint

    Meh vacuum pump for engine oil will do the same thing for £30.

    DIY surgery is the way to go!

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Similar results can be achieved using other options today, such as ... eating less!

  12. SantaFeWolfman
    FAIL

    Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

    What about the threat of infection that is always the biggest problem with catheters, drain tubes etc? Or the body's annoying habit of growing grabby tissue all around the tube which makes it a literal pain in the side and hella difficult to get it out? Or the sheer madness of having a great big microbe highway into your digestive system implanted? I wouldn't trust this thing farther than I can throw it...

    1. Helloworld
      FAIL

      Re: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

      Really. Sort of a 21st century approach to the old Roman vomitorium. Did anyone check the press release for an "April 1, 2013" date?

      1. Psyx
        Stop

        Re: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

        "Sort of a 21st century approach to the old Roman vomitorium."

        I don't think that word means what you think it means.

  13. Benchops
    Coat

    Cut the crap!

  14. g e
    Holmes

    Hahaha quality

    And there's plenty of porky salad-dodgers that would seriously consider this instead of walking a mile a day and pie-avoidance (with attendant small money savings).

    Let them be fleeced, it's a lazy bastard tax.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Meh

      Re: Hahaha quality

      And I though I was a fattist.

  15. Z-Eden
    Facepalm

    Seems an extreme way to avoid going to the gym and changing ones diet...

  16. MrXavia
    FAIL

    Radical thought.... Exercise and healthy eating??

    I know I am slightly overweight,why? because I eat too much..

    So new years resolution, I am cutting back on my food intake while increasing my exercise to burn off more calories and loose the excess fat!

    now anyone who says they 'can't' loose weight, blames it on their thyroid or anything like that is clearly NOT doing enough exercise and eating too much, better to offer free gym memberships than to offer this kind of treatment!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Radical thought.... Exercise and healthy eating??

      I walk at least 3 miles a day up/down a steep hill, I am reasonably fit, I fence for 3 hours once a week, I do weight training daily... I don't eat rubbish at all, no snacks, sweets, crisps etc...I don't drink sugary drinks, have sugar in tea/coffee etc.

      I am however 6stone overweight and it's pretty much all flab... How does that fit into your theory?

      I can lose weight (but not loose it) but it's certainly not on anything like a regular diet. If I eat more than about half of the 'normal' daily calorie allowance I will gain weight.

  17. Evil Auditor Silver badge
    Stop

    What it doesn't say in the article...

    A-tube comes with a B-tube. First, B-tube will be installed to a punter's brain to make him willing to accept the former.

  18. Bob H

    I thought Jimi Heselden was the founder of Segway? He died driving off a cliff on one.

    1. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Nah, the British bloke who fell off the cliff bought the company IIRC, he didn't found it.

  19. That Awful Puppy
    Mushroom

    Oh FFS

    Of course, not stuffing one's face with crap is out of the question entirely.

    I've been a lardarse for most of my life, and recently, I've decided to start eating less and stop eating crap. In about three months, I've lost about 25 pounds. Still at least another 25 to go, but hey, progress has been made. Yeah, I've got a really effective metabolism the likes of which haven't been seen outside Polynesia, and yeah, I've got a few physiological defects that prevent me from being really athletic, but you know what, I did it anyway. No surgery, no pills, and no fancy schmancy diet, just eating less and eating reasonably decent food, as I'm afraid I don't have the money to eat really nice things all day, every day.

  20. Phil A.
    WTF?

    Wrong. Just Wrong

    This is wrong on so many levels.

    If you want less food in your stomach, just eat less fucking food to begin with!

  21. malefic

    Skin-Port!

    I'd like to have been in the product meeting..."So what are we going to call this portal to the users internal organs...mouth is already taken. I know, 'skin-port'!"

  22. Mystic Megabyte
    WTF?

    Ham salad

    I used to run a pub/restaurant in Scotland. The locals would rarely eat any of the salad garnish.

    We used to joke that one day someone would ask for a ham salad without the salad.

    Guess what? An old farmer boy did just that!

    BTW, this "invention" is obscene.

  23. Great Bu

    Ironically.....

    ....one of the more common reasons for failure in the insertion of PEG tubes (the feeding tubes that are essentially the same thing in reverse, often required for stroke patients who are unable to swallow safely) is 'excessive body habitus'*.

    The reason the insertion fails is that the method for insertion involves putting a gastroscope down the throat into the stomach, pushing the end against the front wall of the stomach and switching on the light at the end - this light then shines through the stomach wall to the outside and guides the surgeon in where to insert the feeding (/emptying) tube (which is done by just shoving a big plastic spike throught the abdominal wall and into the stomach). The pushing of the endoscope forwards and visibility of the light externally ensures that other structures are not in the way of the spike when it is inserted (bits like the liver or transverse colon).

    The insertion can't proceed if the light is not visible as the surgeon cannot be sure they won't damage something else in there. In waps** the flab can be too thick to see the light even if there is nothing else in the way so they are significantly harder to insert these tubes into.

    *AKA 'Patient is a fat fuck'

    **Stop me if I'm getting too technical.

  24. Graham Marsden
    Boffin

    Three simple bits of information:

    1) Find your Basal Metabolic Rate here: http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/ and then multiply that number by your activity level to find how many calories your body actually needs per day.

    2) Keep a food diary, ie every time you eat or drink something you write down the calorie content.

    3) Remember that a pound (just under half a kilogramme) of fat is 3,500 calories, so if you eat 250 calories a day fewer than your body needs, in a fortnight you'll lose a pound and if you also do 250 calories of exercise a day as well, you'll lose a pound a week.

    Simple and no surgery or faddy diets required.

    1. Santa from Exeter
      FAIL

      Re: Three simple bits of information:

      This is just more bollox a la BMI.

      BMI is a rubbish index, as it doesn't take into account the fact that muscle actually weighs more than fat, so according to this index, most rugby forwards, weight lifters etc are Medically Obese.

      This is a rubbish index as it is solely concerned with height, weight and age. The Basal Metabolic Rate varies from person to person.

      The associated 'calorie requirements' from the same page allows no variability in exercise from the regimes they have imagined are 'typical'.

      If you really want to know if you are eating too much for your BMR and exercise regime, talk to a professional! (note, this does not include 'diet clubs'.) Alternatively, ask yourself the questions,'can I do all I want without getting out of breath?' and 'how long do I want to live?'.

      Often, just getting onto a better diet (less Maccy D's and ready meals, more fresh food) along with *gentle* exercise is enough.

    2. That Awful Puppy
      Thumb Down

      Re: Three simple bits of information:

      This link is complete rubbish. A mate of mine from uni was a bit taller than me, weighed about half of what I did (as noted previously, I am a bit of a hambeast) and had to eat as much, if not more than me, just to maintain his weight, and this is with no exercise at all, other than walking, of which we did about the same amount.

      According to this calculator, to maintain his weight he should eat about 1600 calories, and I should eat about 2200. I guarantee you that if he were to do that, I'd have attended his funeral a few years back.

      (No, he wasn't ill or anything, he just had a really rubbish metabolism. And cheekbones that made women's undergarments depart their owners' bodies post haste.)

    3. Omgwtfbbqtime
      Linux

      Re: Three simple bits of information:

      Two bits of information that have worked wonders for me (2 stone lost effortlessly so far)

      1: Carbohydrates control insulin.

      2: Insulin controls fat storage.

      So cut your carbs to a lower level (say 100 to 150g per day - not low enough to trigger ketosis) and the spare tire disappears quite nicely.

      I'm now dropping carbs to between 50 and 100g a day just to get rid of the last stone and a half.

      Lots of fruit and veg (this is where my carbs come from) lots of meat and fish - most of my calories come from saturated animal fats. My dietician is happy, my cholesterol is low and I take no medications.

      Penguin, because I'd fry one and eat it.

      1. Joe K

        Re: Three simple bits of information:

        Thats the Paleo diet.

        I read "The Paleo Solution" last week, nice sciencey info about how badly carbs can fuck you up, truly horrifying and amazing how everyone still focuses on high-carb/low-fat diets..

        Am now eating like a caveman, and its a damn nice way to eat.

        1. Graham Marsden

          Re: Three simple bits of information:

          @Santa from Exeter

          1) I am aware that BMI is nonsense, but I'm not talking about BMI, so please take that particular red herring and waft it somewhere else.

          2) By doing nothing more than the same exercise I was doing previously, but watching my calorie intake, I dropped my weight by 13kg which seems a positive result from my POV.

          @Omgwtfbbqtime

          My diet (ie what I eat) could probably be described as "carb heavy" (for instance I get through at least two if not three loaves of wholemeal bread a week!) yet, along with my weight, my HbA1c has dropped from 7.3% (the reason I decided to lose weight in the first place) to 5.5% simply by keeping my calorie intake down to sensible levels.

          My problem now is that I've got so used to eating less, I've actually got to get back into the habit of eating more so my weight doesn't drop further!!

          1. Omgwtfbbqtime
            Pint

            @ Graham Marsden

            Glad it works for you Graham, your diet certainly wouldn't work for me - I'm a Coeliac and bread -wholemeal or otherwise is not a good way to go (either it tastes like bread should, contains wheat and triggers a immune response or it's gluten free and tastes minging).

            You're welcome to the beer I can't drink too (barley) hence the icon.

  25. Piro Silver badge
    WTF?

    Most depressing product

    I haven't seen anything as awful as this in some time.

    The idea that we are so gluttonous , yet have so much food available to us that we are willing to pump and flush it away for the hell of it is frankly sickening and trashy. I only wish it was April 1st.

  26. Emacs The Viking
    Unhappy

    Problem Reaction Solution again...

    Next the brain: seen, heard or read something you didn't like... simple just stick this wire in your brain and the A-Head will take it out. I suspect machines like this are in use everyday as that can be the only explanation for the increasing number of fucktards walking around looking at their phones instead of where they are going and saying "OMG" and "I so want to..." all the time. Even TV people do it, Nigel Slater for starters and many others. It is so not acceptable to talk like that, kids pick up on it and so the rot cycle continues.

    As a 47 year old I almost bound to apologise to the younger generation because I think that people of my generation are now in the positions of power and are responsible for the wholesale manipulation of people to the point where the average Joe cannot string a sentence together in their role as a "sales assistant" but can tweet and walk at the same time, something that only birds used to do.

    When did it become publicly acceptable to be a (a) larger than a small asteroid and still only pay for one seat on a bus and (b) talk like a three year old ?

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    ExistenZ style Gamport too

    If they bring it out the back you can pump it into a camelback for afters, and fit an ExistenZ style Gameport to your spinal cord while they are in there.

    Pimped and tricked up human 2.0

  28. Lallabalalla
    Mushroom

    SUCH a first world "problem"

    That is all

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Thumb Up

      Re: SUCH a first world "problem"

      Don't be too complacent. We may be exporting jobs to the developing world, but that's not all we're exporting:

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obesity_in_India

      Can we claim IP rights on over-eating, and charge India royalties? Maybe £2 per morbidly obeast per year, which would mean an extra £130m a year. The Yanks should pay as well, 'cos they're just a bunch of rebellious colonials, but being wealthier I think $200 per obeast would be fair, and that would earn about £10 billion quid year. And it would be prior art to invalidate Apple's "rounded corners" patent. I'll show you rounded corners!

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Couldn't it

    double as a sort of swim bladder - if you're scuba diving you just fill your stomach with water until you sink to the right depth, then pump out when you want to come up again. What could go wrong?

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Can you compete at Nathan's with one of these?

  31. Stevie

    Bah!

    My missus had a PEG fitted when she was being treated for cancer.

    I seem to remember there was a constant fear of gangrene from the surgeons and keeping the damned thing flushed CLEAN was a priority.. This bloody thing did more than anything else to demoralize the woman.

    And the removal was no picnic. The surgeon tore it out of her by brute strength, sans anesthetic.

    So, yeah, maybe you should think twice before you go this route.

  32. Mike Flugennock
    Coffee/keyboard

    "and if I swallow anything evil, put your finger down my throat..."

    Reading about this device makes me want to vomit without any mechanical aid.

    Why am I not surprised that this invention comes from the guy who gave us the Dorkmobile?

    Cripes, why don't they just bring back the vomitorium while they're at it?

    1. Spleen

      Re: "and if I swallow anything evil, put your finger down my throat..."

      Bring back the tunnels that you use to exit sports stadia? I didn't know they'd been banned. Is that why football fans are always so angry - because they can't get out?

  33. sjsmoto

    What if I want to attach 3 or more at the same time?

    Hey, I want to review 10 restaurants tonight. I could use some faster pumping.

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ironically ...

    I fell off a Segway in Rome recently (true) and it fair old knocked the shit out of me ... Just saying.

    1. Mike Flugennock

      Re: Ironically ...

      I fell off a Segway in Rome recently (true) and it fair old knocked the shit out of me ... Just saying.

      I was nearly run over by one in my neighborhood last summer. Outside of parking-ticket cops and tour operators, there are perhaps two privately-owned Dorkmobiles in my entire neighborhood (Capitol Hill, Washington DC), and one of them damn' near crushed me. Despite the presence of bicycle lanes, this clown was riding his on the friggin' sidewalk, and really hauling ass (at least for a Segway). I was on foot, and he came up on me from behind; as they're electrically powered, you can hardly hear them, and I didn't know the guy was there until he was right up on me. He didn't even slow down as he swerved around me and kept on wailing down the sidewalk as if I hadn't even been there, not so much as an "excuse me". Even today it steams my beans to think about it, that asshole riding a hundred-pound machine upwards of 15 mph on a goddamn' sidewalk with pedestrians present.

      What was perversely funny about that incident was that the inconsiderate bastard on the Dorkmobile was a middle-aged paunchy guy who was sipping a Starbuck's coffee with one hand and steering with the other, I shit you not.

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So, basically a medical alternative to sticking your fingers down the back of your throat...?

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    When people do this for themselves we call it bulemia.

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The End Of The World Is Nigh

    Isn't this the sort of thing that gets invented as civilisations crash and burn?

  38. David 45

    A what-tube?

    Good job he didn't call it an i-Tube. Apple would have probably called a patent up on that!

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Will Victoria's Secret have a new line to cover it up? I'm sure the models will all have one in no time.

  40. GCh
    Trollface

    Intractable Hiccups (and it's lesser known cure)

    Heheheheeeheee heeh he he

    The use of percutaneous endoscopic gastronomy tubes often causes a problem... hiccups

    This would undoubtedly cause the same problem

    There was an ignobel prize given for the cure of hiccups...

    which is Digital Rectal Massage -- That's right ladies and gentlemen... you stick a finger up your bum and wriggle it about if you want to cure your hiccups (none of the other crap you hear... this was scientifically proven to work)

    IF the FDA approve this machine I am going to patent and develop the Mk2 which helps solve that one simultaneously. Kind of a double GI probe if you like...

    Brown sauce on your breakfast?

  41. John Smith 19 Gold badge
    Paris Hilton

    Clearly needs a celebrity endorsement.

    Without celebrity endorsement -> Queesy

    With celebrity endorsement ->Cheesy (but I'll give it a go).

    Icon suggests where I'm going with this.

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