back to article US condom rules 'will cause nasty RED RINGS on porn stars' todgers'

City of Angels porn actors will in future be required to sport condoms for their performances after Los Angeles County voters gave the thumbs up to the "Safer Sex in the Adult Film Industry Act", aka "Measure B". The act was proposed to prevent "thousands of performers contracting preventable sexually transmitted infections, …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    movin on up

    More to the point, porn production will move another 20 miles up the coast from the San Fernando Valley into Ventura County.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Thumb Up

      Re: movin on up

      Very true about that move, least for filing. Editing and the rest can still be located as is.

      Sad thing about all this is, had the FDA done any reasearch. Well those expenses would not go down too well I suspect. So somebody was dammed either way.

      Still on the plus side I feel better being told I have a FDA approved phalus, no wait, oh well.

      1. Bakunin
        Coat

        Re: movin on up

        "Very true about that move, least for filing."

        Filing: The entering of a legal document into the public record.

        Was that meant to be a euphemism?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Was that meant to be a euphemism?

          Applying common sense would suggest that it was "filming" and he missed the "m", don't you think? Although film doesn't see much use these days, so "shooting" might be more appropriate. Ooh err missus.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Conversion

      Could we have sizes converted to inches please.

      In the US and UK imperial measurements are still in use and I would prefer to measure up in inches thank you.

      Using mm just doesn't cut it, that's why Euro sizes appear so small.

      1. Martin Budden Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: Conversion

        The Register has formally decided to use SI units for everything, with just two exceptions:

        1. Pints of [see icon]

        2. Aircraft altitude (for which the international norm is still feet)

        http://www.theregister.co.uk/2012/10/17/spb_metric/

      2. Piro Silver badge

        Re: Conversion

        You missed the big vote, then, sorry, it's all over now.

  2. JeffyPooh
    Pint

    What about all the sub genres that start with the letter 'c' ?

    As above.

  3. ravenviz Silver badge

    Rainbow

    "i've only got a little twanger"

    /george

  4. Irongut
    Happy

    I always thought US brand condoms were too small. Nice to see it confirmed.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      UK/US

      "47-57mm" is not much different from what you typically find in the UK. Last time I looked in Tesco I found 48, 52 and 56 mm on the shelf.

      However, the nominal width doesn't tell you all that much about how comfortable they'll be. There's the variable stretchiness to take account of, and condoms aren't perfectly elastic in any case: you'll notice they tend to be wider after they've been used, so Hooke's law does not even give a good approximation for the pressure they'll exert. You just have to experiment.

      1. Ommerson
        Stop

        Re: UK/US

        Larger sizes are readily available, even on the high street. For obvious marketing reasons condoms are not sold as 'small'. 'medium' and 'large', even though buying the correct size is of great benefit to those with diminutive tools.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    There must be a new Reg standard unit of measure here somewhere

    Title says it all

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: There must be a new Reg standard unit of measure here somewhere

      I suggest the Ron Jeremy for this particular case. An average male is equipped with 3/4 of a Ron Jeremy, and the largest tool on record is aproximately 1.5 Ron Jeremies.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Not that readily

    You'd be amazed how many chemists, even pretty large branches of Boots et al, don't have much useful choice in this respect. Obviously, if you're too much of a shy little wallflower (like wot I am), then going up to the pretty young pharmacist and bellowing "DO YOU HAVE ANY BIGGER CONDOMS?" is.. mortifying. Trying to do it casually and quietly is even worse, I go pink and start shuffling awkwardly.

    I bloody hate them, and always have trouble getting them on- too tight if things are cleared for takeoff (so to speak), and too unmanageable if you try and cheat and roll it onto a semi. It's not like I am the amazing horsecock man, it's a fairly normal size, but there really doesn't seem to be much scope in the standard size.

    Being a little shy, the sheer embarrassment of not being able to get them on smoothly could really ruin things. Luckily, also being a sensitive little flower, I am far too likely to be emotionally involved to want to sleep around, so can usually negotiate a condom-free solution with a steady partner.

    It's simultaneously funny and really not very funny at all. Still though, willies! (etc.)

    - AC because it's waaaaay TMI for people who know me (though they already know that I can use a Galaxy S3 without needing muscle relaxant and a winch)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Not that readily

      I'm too old to be embarrassed these days; but I solved my embarrassment problems back in the day by asking the girl if they have a fitting room. Instantly, all the embarrassment is transferred to the assistant. Works amazingly well.

      1. JimmyPage Silver badge

        Re: Not that readily

        nowadays you'd be arrested.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Not that readily

          Be difficult to get much of a case out of asking for a fitting room, I think. Asking for a test drive, on the other hand...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      S3

      Sorry, how exactly are you 'using' that phone?!

    3. frank ly

      Re: Not that readily

      You should try getting them via mail order from internet based suppliers. A rainbow of choices is out there.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Problem sorted

      I was seeing a lovely lass that sorted the problem of putting it on by doing so with her mouth.

      It was a trick she was taught when working as a receptionist in a brothel. trufax...

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Joke

      Re: Not that readily

      "Obviously, if you're too much of a shy little wallflower (like wot I am), then going up to the pretty young pharmacist and bellowing "DO YOU HAVE ANY BIGGER CONDOMS?" is.. mortifying. "

      You are an imposter - NO man would have a problem with that announcement; indeed, most would be happy to grab the PA microphone and say "Pharmacy, we need larger condoms for the stud on checkout 3!"

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Not that readily

        The other way to do it is to go into a shop that sells them as singles/two-packs, and start with one that you think will be too small, and return every two days buying the bigger size until you find on that works for the two of you.

        You can always give the remaining smaller singles away as Christmas gifts to your younger friends who are trying to start a family.

        1. D@v3
          WTF?

          Re: Not that readily

          i might be missing something here, but if your 'younger friends are trying to start a family' then they wouldnt be using contraception (its main function being to prevent conception (yes and also STD's)) , shurley.....

    6. Ommerson
      Go

      Re: Not that readily

      Asking for bigger ones is a lot less embarrassing than asking for smaller ones.

  7. Lexxy
    Windows

    Red ring of death

    Better call up Microsoft.

  8. Aitor 1

    I'm also too old

    But no problem if you are shy: just buy them online.

    I do recommend unique condoms.. quite a difference to latex ones..

    Just make sure they fit you.. don'y buy bigger unless you really need it or you will have a "crying problem"

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "He notes that the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) requires condoms to be at least 170mm (6.6in) in length, with a nominal width of 47-57mm"

    So that's US Large and UK Small.

    1. Killraven

      "So that's US Large and UK Small."

      Comprehension issues as well? When a measurements includes "at least" that means it's the smallest size allowed.

  10. Dave Hilling
    Trollface

    Never heard of Magnums I guess?

    Quite a bit larger and fit just fine..... But as someone said above they will just move productions. Idiot Californians always screwing themselves by remove tax money.

    1. Steve I
      Go

      Re: Never heard of Magnums I guess?

      What? The empty wrapper? I guess you also get the benefit of the yummy ice-cream too...

  11. Jaasper
    Thumb Up

    never understood buying in a shop

    face to face is traumatic - online is cheaper and discreet! I would sweat quite profusely in Boots, not sure why, it's hardly illegal to need a jonny. I tried these when they launched last year. What can I say -"they fit" :-)

    but now I just need to get laid more....

    1. Crisp

      Why is it traumatic?

      You're buying condoms! That means you'll be having sex in the near future!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        That means you'll be having sex in the near future

        Nope. It means you WANT to have sex in the near future.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: That means you'll be having sex in the near future

          No, it means you're ENTITLED to have sex in the near future.

          If nothing seems to move, tentatively put one on and wait a reasonable time. Then return to the shop, loudly complain about your item*'s malfunction, and demand to speak the manageress. That will add more excitement to your week than the 2-3 sessions you hoped for.

          (* BOUGHT item, that is)

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I can't imagine that this law will make any difference

    Punters just don't buy porn with condoms in. Porn is supposed to be an escape from reality. All that awkward mucking around with condoms just smacks too much of real life.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I can't imagine that this law will make any difference

      they must already have made more porn than anyone could watch in a lifetime (or until they went blind), why are they worrying about making more.

      1. Peter Gathercole Silver badge

        Re: I can't imagine that this law will make any difference

        HD, 4K HD and 3D maybe?

        Although I've heard that HD makes it very difficult, as not only do they have to dress the sets better, the participants are wanting to have full body make-up to cover body blemishes that used to be too small to see.

  13. Nigel 11
    Joke

    One size fits all?

    Never was a good idea, but it never stopped them. They tried to make pi 3-sized, once. Next, they'll decide that since the average size bust is a C cup, all other sizes of brassiere are banned.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Measure B

    measure what?

  15. Khaptain Silver badge
    Gimp

    Porn for the Yanks

    I reckon that the real reason for the condoms is the fact that the film studios are simply shit scared of being sued by the actors.

    In any event if you want good porn, there is no point in watching the Yankee stuff, European is the way to go, and if you want real hardcore or just plain disgusting its definately going to be German ( they can get real weird.)

    Faffing about with Condoms is about as exciting as visting Esther Rantzens' bathroom.

    1. Juan Inamillion

      Re: Porn for the Yanks

      "Faffing about with Condoms is about as exciting as visting Esther Rantzens' bathroom."

      There I was having a good old Friday afternoon chuckle at a Bootnotes item when someone, there's always one isn't there, has to spoil things by mentioning the unmentionable.... "Est....." <sigh> it's no good, it's as much as I can do to cut and paste the offending name.

      Please, go and wash your mouth out with soap and water.

      1. Khaptain Silver badge

        Re: Porn for the Yanks

        "Esther Rantzens' bathroom"

        I forgot to mention that the visit was whilst she was using it .

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Trollface

          Re: Porn for the Yanks

          They have this magical thing in the film industry called "editing", so they will just stop the cheesey seduction mid-scene, fit the guy with his glove of love and start shooting again.

          Either that or they will move filming 20 miles up the road to Ventura county--or maybe even Bakersfield!!

    2. Matt Bryant Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: Porn for the Yanks

      "....Faffing about with Condoms....." You seriously need to meet a more experienced partner as there are a myriad number of ways to put a condom on as an enjoyable experience.

    3. Paul Hovnanian Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Porn for the Yanks

      If I yank it, do I still have to wear one?

      Paris, because how did we leave her out of this discussion so far.

    4. Killraven

      Re: Porn for the Yanks

      "Faffing about with Condoms is about as exciting as visting Esther Rantzens' bathroom."

      If using a condom is too desensitizing, then you need to use a smaller size.

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Porn for the Yanks

      if you want real hardcore or just plain disgusting its definately going to be German

      Bollocks sir. The Japanese are far superior in that regard than the Germans. Where else can you get a scat obsessed former schoolgirl tentacle demon raping a boy who's been tranformed into a girl until she grows some parts back and becomes a futa and starts banging his/her former girlfriend again, who just happens to be a tentacle demon in disguise.

  16. William Boyle
    FAIL

    Hello! AYT?

    Another industry that will off-shore PDQ... Can you spell Brazil, Thailand, wherever?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Devil

      Re: Hello! AYT?

      Brazil? That kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

  17. Pavlov's obedient mutt

    here you go - for the gifted (or challenged) shy gentleman

    http://condomerie.com/?___store=english&___from_store=nederlands

    Read the section "finding the perfect condom"

    (no I don't work there; yes I do live in Amsterdam; yes I do use this service)

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    US condom sizes

    Many years ago I was seconded to work in the US. There were regular visitors from the UK & it was not uncommon to be asked (in an open office) whether I would like anything brought over from the UK.

    "Tea for the missus and some condoms for me"

    "Eh?"

    "Yes I know you can buy them here but I find American ones too small..."

    True, and I'd rather remain anon. ;-)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: US condom sizes

      > Tea for the missus and some condoms for me

      ...and they say romance is dead.

  19. Tom Richardson

    Easily fixed.

    I have a solution for that one: http://www.theyfit.co.uk/

  20. Term
    WTF?

    Double Standard?

    American porn stars have to use condoms to stop STDs including HIV but foreign aid to 3rd world countries can't be used to promote condom use to stop the spread of HIV.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Double Standard?

      Welcome to the U.S.A. You'll need to check your higher brain function at the door, for which you will receive a receipt that is not valid for its return.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Double Standard?

      Different groups of standards setters, the latter were neo-con religious nutballs.

    3. The Man Who Fell To Earth Silver badge
      FAIL

      Re: Double Standard?

      More to the point, the porn/condem law is only in one county in the entire USA.

  21. Steve Foster
    Joke

    No jokes yet??!?!?!

    A Scottish solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemist's. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna. He unfolds that, to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds, to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

    "How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.

    "Six pence," replies the chemist.

    "How much for a new one?"

    "Ten pence," replies the chemist.

    The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandanna, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout outside, shortly followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

    "The regiment has taken a vote," he announces. "We'll have a new one."

  22. Saoir

    Government in the bed room ?????

    Talk about government reaching out to our bedrooms !!

    And anyway where is the evidence of any widespread preventable sexually transmitted infections, including gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, herpes, hepatitis, and HIV", as a result of not slipping on a rubber ??

    The truth is the opposite. The incidence of such infections is almost non existent in the porn community.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: The incidence of such infections

      ... prevents porn actors from earning, so tends not to be reported accurately.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Thumb Down

      Re: Government in the bed room ?????

      Oh...Really?

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Marcus

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Someone should invent

    A device that uses a hyperspectral imager based around variable wavelength UV LEDs to detect the unique fluorescence spectra of the common STI bacteria and gives a readout.

    This method would also work for detecting unwanted substances in drinks as well so dual purpose.

    Turns out that simply heating and cooling the diode will adjust its wavelength predictably, allowing a wide range of wavelengths to be generated with a simple setup.

    Using several different diode centre wavelengths allows a wider range..

  24. Old Handle
    Boffin

    As an L.A. voter, I read up on this measure, and found it rather alarming. Aside from the fact that I don't care for this sort of nanny state (or nanny country in this case) law in the first place, it really seems to go too far. Perhaps they only intend to enforce the condom part, but as written it requires full hospital-style body substance isolation. If goggles, gloves and lab coats are your idea of sexy, you're in luck. It also gives health inspectors the right to enter any location suspected of commercially producing porn. Since porn can be, and is, made in private houses, that's a bit worrisome too.

    Icon: L.A. Pornstar

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Ah...

      ...this all lends credence to the rumour that California has always been misspelled. Apparently, it should actually be spelled "CCC Kalifornia".

      1. LateNightLarry
        Pint

        Re: Ah...

        That's only for the part of California south of the Grapevine... Northern California still has some functioning brains, when they aren't pickled by fermented grape juice.

        Where's my damn WINE glass...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Funny,

      everywhere else in the world, State == Country.

      1. Old Handle
        Facepalm

        Re: Funny,

        Do'h. That was actually a typo. I meant to say "nanny county", because it's a Los Angeles County law, definitely not a federal one.

        Just for the record though, the USA isn't the only country composed of multiple states. Mexico has states (estados) too. I'd be surprised if there aren't more examples.

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Megaphone

    My brother never used to have a problem, but then he always used CLINGFILM!!!

  26. Zmodem

    red rings died with 1990s lipstick

  27. Mr Young
    Coat

    Condoms come in different sizes!

    I might even go shopping to impress some milf tomorrow

  28. Dire Criti¢
    Gimp

    Measure B?

    I would have thought "Measure C" would have been a more appropriate name?

  29. MachDiamond Silver badge

    The inspector is here.

    I commented on a post about this previously and wondered if there was to be a new department at the city for inspecting filming locations to be certain of compliance or would they send around the city Code Enforcement (read: punters who couldn't qualify for the police force). Will these "inspectors" be assigned? Will they compete for assignments? Or, will they sue the city for having to view people "in the act"? I get the strong impression that there will be a union action against the city that give the inspectors a 4x pay raise while on duty that will be charged to the production company. That will chase out any remaining companies. Anybody left filming adult entertainment in LA won't be telling anybody about it.

    Business opportunity: Movie equipment rental shop in Ventura catering to the adult film industry. A branch in Las Vegas might be a good idea too. It's not too far of a drive and there are lots of vacant and fancy mansions that can be rented for locations.

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Easy solution

    Porn will likely end up moving. While I see some purulent old aunties sing "Hosana!!" at that, the tax loss, employment, and other financial drains this will leave behind it are fairly significant.

    It's not too surprising really. Government don't have brains to think about onward problems their decisions cause, so are unlikely to give a crap either way.

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    andjust how will they do watersports?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I'm slightly embarrassed to know this, but urine is not one of the fluids on the "Other Potentially Infectious Materials" list. So peeing on people is still fine. Perhaps watersports porn will even enjoy a boost in popularity since they've effectively banned making the normal stuff.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Watersports ?

      With a powerboat and waterskis or a jetski as per today I'd guess.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just ban porn.

    We don't need that kind of smut in our Christian society.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I just wish

      that they would extend this to the American families where10+ children seem perfectly OK. I literally cringe when I hear 'every child is a gift from God' from people justifying why they can ignore common sense and thus contribute to the wave of overpopulation on the globe.

      I know that America is a big country, and that it is far from full yet, but these are normally middle class people who are just as much a drain on the Earth's resources as any other American (I may exempt the Amish families from this generalization, but that is just because of their life-style choice, not their philosophy on children).

      All first world countries should be providing an example to the rest of the world as regards population control.

    2. digismith

      BITE YOUR TOUNGE SIR!

      Slaps you with a copy of the bible!

  33. Duncan Jeffery
    Coat

    <<British studs, on the other hand, can readily obtain protection suitably sized for their impressive engorgements, but it's illegal to import these into the US.>>

    ..and if the day comes when they are legal, I hope that our manufacturers mark them as 'medium'.

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