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back to article German website offers custom cow killing

A German web site is offering beef buyers a variety of options on how they would like their ruminant reduced to ribs. The company (www.mycow.de) operates out of the northeastern German state of Mecklenburg-Western Pomerania and offers a variety of cattle breeds, including Galloway and Aberdeen Angus, which are raised …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically."

    Not the first gig to offer, what does one call this, cow on demand? Though usually it's more of a buy a whole cow deal, or team up with a few others and share the cow, or well, whatever. For buying big a big large freezer is of course advisable.

    This description though, I mean, killing in the field? What? Wouldn't that like traumatise the rest? Seems like the reverse, ordering traumatised cow when you'd rather be extra special nice about the killing. Or you'd have to be doubleextraplus specific. "The FIRST cow out of the trauma patch, please." No doubt there'll be a premium. For being nice.

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    1. Paul RND*1000
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      Perhaps they lead them in to a special area one at a time, while soothing classical music wafts into their ears. The other cows remain blissfully unaware of what's going on.

      Sadly I don't anticipate being able to test the "it tastes better" theory any time soon, my budget barely stretches past sort-of fresh roadkill.

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  2. Tom 7

    Sounds good to me

    I keep my own animals and home killed definitely do taste better. Alas, in law, I cant even feed my family home killed animal - it has to be taken to a registered slaughterhouse for this and the journey alone is surprisingly stressful for the animals.

    I'd be interested to see if I could do this at in the UK - that way I'd get to keep the blood for black pudding - however we seem to see laws differently over here when it comes to small traders.

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    1. TonyG
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      Depends where in the UK you are

      Home slaughter is allowed in England and Scotland (not sure about Wales and NI) for personal and family consumption - you can't sell it on - as long as the animal is slaughtered humanely.

      Usual caveats apply about extra risks with home slaughtered food, regulations that require compliance etc.

      Personally, I don't notice the difference but I'm only 15 minutes from the abattoir so the stress factor might not be so noticable.

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      1. Stratman
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        It's not the journey from the abattoir that's usually the stressful one ;)

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  3. The Cube

    But how much for the Galloway?

    Tell us! How much for a 5kg pack of pasture slaughtered George Galloway? Or did they not mean that kind of galloway?

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    1. big_D Silver badge
      Reply Icon

      According to the site, the Galloway coming in on 17.11.11 from "surprise" costs 75€ for 5Kg.

      Another one, coming in from Bio Rinderwiener will cost 18€ a Kg

      They are offering a 100€ packet on this one, which includes:

      500g Sirloing

      1,5Kg roast joint

      750g roulade

      1Kg Gulasch

      750g "soup meat"

      500g bio Vienna sausage

      In cooler months, you can also order it smoked over a beechwood in a cows stomach lining.

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    2. big_D Silver badge
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      Facepalm

      Aha, been away from the UK too long and missed the "George" bit...

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    3. Anonymous Coward
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      Anonymous Coward

      Hmmm..

      I See two problems there.

      1 - the killing is humane

      2 - I would not want to eat that at ANY price.

      Yes, it's bad humour, but that's all he deserves..

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  4. Graham Marsden
    Alien

    Paging...

    ... the League of Cattle Mutilators...

    (Hmm, no Illuminati icon, the Alien one will have to do ;-) )

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  5. jake Silver badge

    Nothing new.

    A friend of mine is the owner/operator of a mobile slaughterhouse. 20 foot trailer outfitted to take apart and wrap anything from Bison on down. The only issue we face is getting rid of what little waste we have afterwords ... it's illegal to bury it here in California. Fortunately most of us here on the ranch enjoy offal, and I make natural casing sausage ... I sell my hides to a local craft leather worker, and the dawgs get the hooves and most of the less savory bits. The rest is incinerated.

    The only reason this is a story is because nobody knows where food comes from anymore. Here's a hint: It doesn't magically appear, conveniently wrapped in plastic, in the back room at Tesco/Safeway.

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    1. Graham Dawson Silver badge
      Reply Icon
      Coat

      It doesn't? My entire world view has fallen apart!

      <-- Hung beef?

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  6. Asgard
    Joke

    Douglas Adams was way ahead of this website

    But still, we are getting nearer to the "Dish of the Day". Perhaps A bit more GM research? (on its brain maybe? How about we add a bit of human DNA, so it can talk) and then we just need to give it some training to tech it to speak and understand Nutrition, then we too can have the Dish of the Day say to us, "May I urge you, sir, to consider my liver? It must be very rich and tender by now. I have been force-feeding myself for months." :)

    A green salad anyone? ;)

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  7. William Boyle

    Tastes great, less filling

    I've been a vegetarian for over 40 years. I haven't missed dead animal flesh one bit!

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    1. Anonymous Coward
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      Anonymous Coward

      How nice for you. Now fire up the grill and pass me a chunk of cow.

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    2. Steven Roper
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      Trollface

      For every animal you don't eat

      I'm going to eat THREE.

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    3. Anonymous Coward
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      Anonymous Coward

      No more dead animal flesh please!

      You are so right. Live animal flesh like the lions do it is much tastier and just more fun.

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    4. KirstarK
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      Bet your body misses it.

      I wonder how many pills you take to stay healthy

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    5. Dinky Carter
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      Careful...

      Reg readers seem to be second only to Daily Mail readers in their contempt for vegetarians. Same demographic perhaps?

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      1. Anonymous Coward
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        FAIL

        Maybe...

        ..they just don't like sanctimonious arseholes who think they're better people because they don't eat meat.

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  8. toro_mierda

    Unsuspecting? Not for long

    I could almost buy that, except for the fact that at some point, the bovine network is going to pick up on the fact that their brothers are dropping in the field. I would think they would pick up on the large pools of blood and the linger smell of death in the air.

    At least with common practice today, they get to feed in peace (aka stress-free) in the open field - but when they figure out that they cannot even feed without fear of the reaper, the stress level will shoot up worse than it is today. Not to mention the hit to global warming when the blood infused field grasses start to burn out.

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    1. jake Silver badge
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      @toro_mierda

      Actually, the bovine network rarely notices when we slaughter. The yearling steers are too low in the pecking order[1] for the lead cows to notice they are gone. The rest of the herd follows the leaders. Occasionally a steer will quickly rise in bovine status, and then there is a little bit of sorting out "herd order" when we harvest him.

      The sheep & goats are too brain-dead to notice anything is missing.

      It doesn't hurt that we hand-raise all our four-footed critters, and they are used to us collecting one and leading it off to ::away::, it's part of day-to-day life ... Collection of mammal meat here at the ranch is stress-free for everybody involved.

      No, it doesn't happen "in the field". I have a shed that my friend can pull his rig into and close the door. No weather, and no dust (inherent in ranching), plus fresh water, proper drainage and electricity (good lighting is GOOD when using sharp tools!). And yes, it's on the lee side of the ranch to cut down on other critters smelling the blood.

      The fowl (we keep chickens, ducks and geese) don't even notice, after the minor kerfuffle when we actually collect the harvest.

      [1] Head-butting contests, actually.

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  9. raving angry loony

    Sick system

    Small farmers in France used to do this as a matter of course. Walk the cow to the barn, bang, hang it and butcher it under the supervision of a licensed butcher. The whole factory slaughterhouse thing needs to be completely revisited. Unhealthy, sickening things they are.

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  10. Arctic fox
    Headmaster

    "The jury is still out on...............

    .....................the effects of stress on the taste of meat, but some maintain that the strain on cattle of being packed into a container, shipped to an abattoir (with a trip to a massive feedlot first for final fattening) and then being killed in an industrial manner makes beef less tasty, and also more difficult to preserve."

    I imagine it ruins the cow's whole day as well.

    On a more serious note both humane principles and actually economic common sense (if one thinks outside the box a bit) would suggest that the slaughterer coming to you, doing the job on the spot and shipping carcasses rather than live animals (much easier and the number of vehicles needed, numbers carried per container volume, far fewer - cheaper, less traffic) would be a win-win on both accounts.

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  11. Mondo the Magnificent
    Holmes

    The Riddicules of Chronic..

    I'd like mine slaughtered with a tin cup, a-la the "Chronicles of Riddick"

    On a more serious note, growing up in the farm areas in the Southern Hemisphere, I have to agree that meat that has not been through the traditional processing routine does taste better

    Quite often we'd buy our chickens live from the farm and the farm hands would slaughter, pluck and gut them for us and they taste a lot better than anything from the supermarket shelves.

    We also used to club in and buy a sheep or lamb from the farmer. who again would slaughter and butcher it us for us (and the friends who contributed to the purchase) and yes, the mutton/lamb had a much better texture. We could also buy beef and steak from the farm shop too

    Sadly we've become commercialised and the quality of supermarket meat is quite poor compared to the stuff I ate whilst growing in the "former colony"

    Another factor is the amount of water contained within frozen poultry and meat sold at the UK supermarkets, often almost turning fried chicken into boiled portions during cooking.

    I believe legislation is the issue that kills the quality in meats, poultry and other foods. Often enough by time we get it, it's well over a week old, but ironically still sits on a supermarket shelf titled "Fresh Meat"

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    1. Graham Bartlett
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      @Mondo

      "We also used to club in"

      Ah, the baby-seal method...

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    2. Kubla Cant
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      @Mondo the Magnificent

      >>Often enough by time we get it, it's well over a week old, but ironically still sits on a supermarket shelf titled "Fresh Meat".

      A good butcher will age beef for anything up to a month. If you prefer to buy "Fresh Meat" that's under a week old, it's not surprising that the taste is disappointing.

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  12. I've forgotten what I wanted to say...

    Welfare? What welfare...

    Never mind the animals - think of the supply chain folks...

    You're making the assumption that abattoirs are around food safety, etc not just having a nice hub for collection and delivery.

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  13. Charlie Clark Silver badge

    Reasonably priced

    Depending on the cut beef in Germany is always > € 20 per kilo. Double that for the organic stuff. As for stress and taste I thought was established or was it just for rodents? Stress releases some hormone that makes the meat bitter? Maybe just another urban myth I'm unwittingly perpetuating.

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    1. Jason Ozolins
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      If you are really interested in the stress question...

      Temple Grandin does a lot of work on humane animal handling, including at slaughter. Here is a page on her web site with some interesting links (about how it affects the meat, strangely enough =:^)

      http://www.grandin.com/meat/meat.html

      The thing I know for sure is that stressed animals have more blood circulating through their muscles, and that causes the meat to be darker and bloodier. An experienced butcher that we got out a couple of times to slaughter a steer for us (including a mobile coolroom, very convenient and fancy but quite expensive) used to say "every time you use a prod on an animal you're about to slaughter, that's a litre [? maybe more, memory fails me] of blood that you won't get out."

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      1. Kubla Cant
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        What does the animal do with the blood when you prod it, then? And how many litres of blood does a cow have? It sounds like you're in danger of making it completely bloodless if you prod too much.

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    2. James Micallef Silver badge
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      Thumb Up

      Here in Switzerland meat is horrendously expensive, CHF20 / kg for the cheapest beef, CHF50+ / kg for a good quality organic cut. €15/kg sounds like a snip

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  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I need a quote please

    How much if I want the cow stealthily strangled with fiber wire by a professional hitman?

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