back to article Absolutely smashing: Musk shows off Tesla's 'bulletproof' low-poly pickup, hilarity ensues

So we know Elon Musk believes we're "probably" living in a simulation. He might well be right because the big reveal at the LA Tesla Design Center last night refused to render properly. The event launched the $39,900 electric "Cybertruck", Tesla's tilt at the pickup market, which has been whispered of since 2013. CEO Musk has …

  1. Alister Silver badge

    Dunno about Bladerunner, looks like an F-117 to me.

    1. TechnicalBen Silver badge

      DMC-12

      Lotus Esprit S2

      That retro-future mix car from Ghost in the Shell remake...

      But trukified.

      1. MiguelC Silver badge

        All those examples are a lot nicer to the eye than this truck.

        Tesla must have started their budget savings exercise by laying off their design department (maybe together with the aerodynamics one)

        1. eldakka Silver badge

          Tesla must have started their budget savings exercise by laying off their design department (maybe together with the aerodynamics one)

          Nah, they replaced it with a single person, Homer Simpson.

        2. MrXavia

          Fired the designers and hired more engineers,aerodynamics have been shown to be not bad

      2. Cederic Silver badge

        Interestingly one of the Antiques Roadshow spin-offs had the DMC and Esprit parked next to each other on one of their programmes earlier this week.

        One of those is a thing of style, a strange form of angular beauty. The other was in Back to the Future.

      3. Giles C

        Some of the cars in the ghost in the shell were lotus.

        An esprit was the main car driven by Batou

        And an excel was used by the boss Aramaki

      4. werdsmith Silver badge

        Surprised nobody has mentioned Aston Martin Bulldog resemblance.

        1. TeeCee Gold badge

          Aston Lagonda

          Austin Princess

          Triumph TR7/8

          Pretty much everything from the 1970s Harris Mann school of design.

    2. macjules Silver badge

      Looks more like someone at Tesla was using Minecraft as a design tool.

      1. TechnicalBen Silver badge

        Turns out it was inspired...

        by the Lotus:

        https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1197638937109336066?s=20

        Though, they might just be saying that... and in reality went "sheet metal is cheap, here design team, puth these panels on something car like..."

        1. No Yb
          Linux

          Re: Turns out it was inspired...

          I'm just guessing here, but maybe the "hardened steel" is very hard to bend in complex ways.

          1. nanchatte

            Re: Turns out it was inspired...

            You would be correct in your guess.. 3mm thick cold rolled steel is not easy to form into anything other than curves in one axis.

        2. macjules Silver badge

          Re: Turns out it was inspired...

          Ah Lotus, as in Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious. Musk, take note.

      2. TechnicalBen Silver badge
        Trollface

        Nah, no slopes in Minecraft!!!

    3. vtcodger Silver badge

      Looks like an F117

      Reckon there's any chance it won't show up on radar?

      1. 's water music Silver badge

        Re: Looks like an F117

        Reckon there's any chance it won't show up on radar?

        ftfy

    4. herman Silver badge

      Airstream TV

      Ayup - I also thought it must be a Tesla 117.

      It will look cool towing an Airstream.

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: Airstream TV

        "It will look cool towing an Airstream."

        No, it won't. Airstreams are all lovely & curvy.

    5. Mike Moyle Silver badge

      A DeLorean with none of the charm.

      1. Jellied Eel Silver badge

        A DeLorean with none of the charm.

        Yep. It's bold. As in inviting the inevitable comparisons to the 1976 car. Which lead to a stellar career for John DeLorean.

        In fact, the closest comp we can think of for the Cybertruck might be the Hummer brand in the early 2000s

        Nope, travel back in time to an age of high pre-millenials. So kind of sad that young and hip YT types are going crazy about how 'futuristic' this car is. Or how it's edgy/cyberpunk when the only thing it seems to have in common with cyberpunk is ripping off the font.

        On the plus side, I guess it means Tesla can recycle more of the space hopper. And being stainless, won't have to worry about it's paint quality. And being mostly low-polygon, possibly easier for his alien dreadbots to weld. For the owners, might not be such great news. So previous Tesla had problems getting doors open in the cold. This one might leave owners fingertips on the doors, or worse on account of it's high capacity battery and conductive skin.

        1. JohnFen Silver badge

          "going crazy about how 'futuristic' this car is."

          I am utterly baffled that anyone thinks the design is "futuristic". It looks positively retro to me.

        2. Red Ted
          FAIL

          won't have to worry about it's paint quality.

          Hmm, you need to look at an unpainted DeLorean. There are finger prints all over them. Most of the ones I have seen in real life have been painted, just because they look so awful after about ten minutes of anyone being near them!

          1. Imhotep

            Re: won't have to worry about it's paint quality.

            And body work on a DeLorean must be an absolute joy.

            1. jake Silver badge

              Re: won't have to worry about it's paint quality.

              A friend used to make quite the living doing body work on DeLoreans. He reports that the biggest single problem wasn't dents ... it was getting rid of the millions of little rust streaks after clueless owners washed their car with a brillo pad.

      2. Dr_N Silver badge

        "A DeLorean with none of the charm."

        So a DeLorean then?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          I see what you did there!

          (Well I do now, after reading the comment about ten times, wondering what the hell it was that you just did there.)

          1. ZippedyDooDah

            "I see what you did there!"

            Can we not banish this awful Americanism from the UK please?

        2. jake Silver badge

          Worse.

          It's a fat DeLorean.

        3. Francis Boyle Silver badge

          Better hope it doesn't fail

          Because if it does we're definitely getting a Back to the Future remake.

    6. rcxb Bronze badge

      A dune buggy and a ute (or El Camino) had an ugly child...

      1. Fungus Bob Silver badge

        Optimus Prime had a BM...

    7. TheVogon Silver badge

      Bulletproof vehicle in the colonies for $40K? Should be a massive success.

      1. TheVogon Silver badge

        (Everyone will want one for the school run!)

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is it April fools day already? Surely this is nothing more than a publicity stunt? They are not going to build anything like that.

    The specs are just the icing on the cake.

    It's got to be heavy enough to cope with a 6 tonne (!) trailer. I guess it might be if they make it out of thick hard stainless steel.

    But then this immensely heavy vehicle is going to be able to handle like a sports car, accelerate from 0-60 in 3 seconds (on those tyres?) and have a 500 mile range.

    Nonsense.

    1. Richard Boyce

      I guess the acceleration would likely be limited by the traction of the four wheels in Super-Ridiculous-Destroy-the-Batteries mode.

      1. Jellied Eel Silver badge

        It's an off-road vehicle. Max acceleration figures are for vertical speeds, as in when it loses traction due to it's mass and goes off a cliff.

    2. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      handle like a sports car, accelerate from 0-60 in 3 seconds (on those tyres?) and have a 500 mile range.

      Not and but or. Pick one of three...

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      To be fair to Musk, his timings may be a bit optomistic, his prices a touch on the low side but his performance specs have always been achieved or beaten in the final version despite buckets of skepticism.

    4. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge
      Black Helicopters

      0-60 times

      are what it is all about when Americans talk about cars.

      They don't care if it goes around corners like a shark on MDMA as long as it beats everything else over the standing quarter mile they are happy.

      Oh and the fact that it can on those very rare occassions carry a sheet of plywood on the bed.

      To me this thing if Fugly beyond belief. The windows will become a target for vandals from day 1. Nothing like dangilng a huge great carrot for them now is there.

      The only saving grace is that it might be 3+ years before any come to Europe if past performance is anything to go by.

      1. TechnicalBen Silver badge

        Re: 0-60 times

        To be fair, they have said it corners really really well (for an American truck ;) ).

        As it's electric, they don't have to worry about axle clearance or engine gear box position etc, that limits height/suspension etc in an ICE car to some extent.

      2. jake Silver badge

        Re: 0-60 times

        ::sighs:: Not true.

        Except the plywood thing, and even then you only got it partially right. For one thing, a sofa/couch/whatevernameyouuseinyourjurisdiction is usually 8 feet. When you have a truck, you are often asked to help move them. And refrigerators. Etc. As an experienced truck owner, I would recommend always having an excuse handy ... "I'm sorry, I'm moving sheets of plywood this weekend" will work nicely.

        Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go pickup a load of fence posts. 8 footers.

        1. DiViDeD Silver badge

          Re: 0-60 times

          ... you are often asked to help move them.

          Too bloody right! When I got my first HiLux, I was amazed at how many new friends I made. And by how many of them hard large, heavy items that were somehow in the wrong place.

      3. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge

        Re: 0-60 times

        American cars need to get up to speed within the short moment that drivers are paying attention. Cornering doesn't matter when nobody is going to put down the phone to steer with both hands. Besides, those wobbly Toyotas, Hondas, and SUVs favored in the USA feel like they're going fast through turns due to excessive body roll.

    5. Irongut

      Being heavy enough is never a problem when you power a vehicle from batteries.

    6. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      In the video, they show it beating a porsche on the track.

    7. TrumpSlurp the Troll Silver badge

      Tail wagging dog?

      It's got to be heavy enough to cope with a 6 tonne (!) trailer.

      I came to post much the same but my online calculator thing suggested 7 tons.

      It may have the power to pull it (as in drive off in a straight line with the loaded trailer attached) but it would have to be seriously heavy to stop it again in a reasonable distance, and especially to make it behave on the road. Recipe for the tail wagging the dog.

      Then again USA trucks seem to be a breed apart.

    8. TheVogon Silver badge

      They already sold 300,000 of them so they will build it. Electric vehicles can easily generate vast torque and power outputs - so the performance claims are unlikely to be inaccurate. If it has a 500 miile range the weight of the batteries alone is probably enough to allow it to tow a 6 tonne trailer.

  3. Mage Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Stainless?

    It's so expensive to work with stainless. So the DeLorean, the DMC, had a fibreglass body and a thin stainless steel skin. Which tended to come unstuck. It also had an underspec engine. The DMC doors were also unsafe, a problem if it rolled onto the roof. In other words style more than function.

    Sharp angles might look futuristic in a movie or video game, rubbish aerodynamics in real life and hard to press.

    1. Jellied Eel Silver badge

      Re: Stainless?

      That's all part of the puzzle. So it's bullet resistant. That means thicker gauge steel than it might need to be because thin gauge won't stop even a 9mm. Which means more weight for a feature that shouldn't be high on most people's priorities.. Unless Tesla's thinking about possible law enforcement sales. But then LEA's may expect protection to IIIa or III standars. Which they can do with regular cars by adding armour inside door panels. But it seems to add weight for no real benefit.

      Then there's the cost, ie setting up lines to build these, using non-standard automaker materials. There's possibly also 'green' issues, ie energy cost of producing the steel vs alternative materials.

      Musk also had a few digs at current trucks being body-on-frame vs the Fuglytrucks' space frame. But automakers I think do that so they have a base say, F150 platform that can be offered with a bunch of different engine & cab/load configurations. Not convinced that one truck fits all, especially if Tesla wants to be considered a serious, volume automaker.

      Apparently the Fuglytruck can seat 3 in the front.. if you flip up the display. But the display has to stay visible given that's got virtually all the truck's instruments and controls on it. I guess there could be some workarounds like HUD, subject to regulations. Which I think also require boring things like wing mirrors.

      I've seen comments comparing it to a Johnnycab from Total Recall.. And wondering if that's the plan. So it's going to end up as a autonomous cab, with the slab sides covered in livery and armoured so it can pick up passengers in downtown Detroit or Chicago.. But a few tech & regulatory hurdles to overcome before that's viable, or just legal.

      1. SonofRojBlake

        Confusopoly

        "automakers I think do that so they have a base say, F150 platform that can be offered with a bunch of different engine & cab/load configurations"

        ... and then create a confusopoly.

        See here: https://www.scottadamssays.com/2016/07/13/how-not-to-buy-a-chevy-truck/

        All Tesla has to do to succeed is:

        (a) offer a relatively limited range of options and

        (b) ensure people can actually DRIVE that option and BUY that option.

      2. TheVogon Silver badge

        Re: Stainless?

        Its bulletproof. So the autonomous mode is clearly designed for school runs to replace those awful yellow buses that you see everywhere in the US.

        And lets not forget that in America people so lazy that they drive from one shop to the one next door. They all have car parks and often you cant actually get between neighbouring stores on foot without walking back to the street!

  4. Richard Boyce

    Cost saving?

    Did they put the expensive glass only on one side, and then point the car the wrong way?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Cost saving?

      In other words: "you're parking it wrong"?

    2. <script>alert('the register');</script>

      Re: Cost saving?

      To be fair, Americans are the the type to start a $100,000,000 class action if they bought one and the window even got a scratch, so at least now they know

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: Cost saving?

        "Americans are the the type"

        Painting 330,000,000 people with a single brush? Really? Do you know just how silly that makes you look?

        1. ThadiasVonBasterd

          Re: Cost saving?

          Do you not realise how silly you actually look to the civilised world?

          1. jake Silver badge

            Re: Cost saving?

            I see how silly we look to people who only look at the bits the media tell them to look at, yes. Frankly, I feel very, very sorry for them. The world is a much nicer place when you look beyond DearOldTelly.

        2. <script>alert('the register');</script>

          Re: Cost saving?

          That is what I typed to be fair. So yes.

  5. NerryTutkins

    looks horrible

    Let's face it. In most developed countries, only landscape gardeners buy pickup trucks. But in America, basically everyone does. It's clearly not because they need a 3 tonne, 5 litre ,four wheel drive to go to McDonalds and get their drive-through cheeseburgers. People buy pickups because they think they look cool.

    This looks like a Johnny Cab.

    I am sure the production version will look pretty much like the kind of thing we could imagine having "Bob Metcalfe Landscape Gardener" written on the side.

    1. JohnFen Silver badge

      Re: looks horrible

      "But in America, basically everyone does."

      In some parts, sure, but not everywhere. In my part of the country, people tend to abide by the rule that it's better to know someone who has a pickup than to be the one who has a pickup.

    2. Imhotep

      Re: looks horrible

      Pick-up owners are a conservative bunch. I don't think they'll go for the styling. On the other hand, if you can make people feel passionately one way or the other about your product: they may feel passionate enough to buy.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: looks horrible

        Yeah, where's the roll bar to put all those roof mounted extra lights on?

        1. jake Silver badge

          Re: looks horrible

          You don't mount lights on a roll bar, silly! You mount lights on a light bar. These days, in the world of LED lights, the lights are built into the bar. Simply bolt it to a suitably solid mounting point. In this case, the ridiculously thick stainless steel roof should work.

        2. Imhotep

          Re: looks horrible

          It appears that they very thoughtfully installed a lightbar over the windshield.

          But how are you going to put decals on that rear window? And where does the rifle rack go?

      2. Jaybus

        Re: looks horrible

        "Pick-up owners are a conservative bunch. I don't think they'll go for the styling."

        I think the stereotyping of American pickup owners on here is leading to some confusion. Yes, there are urban cowboys that have no need for a pickup of any kind, but the literally millions of square miles of rural area is somehow overlooked. It has nothing to do with conservative views! It's all about utility. This silly thing has a can design that renders the bed nearly useless for farmers, ranchers, builders, etc., you know....the majority of pickup owners.

        So, my view, as a rural American, is that the electric motor would be welcome, assuming the (at least) 250 mile range and 40k price, but the design renders it very nearly useless as a utility pickup. It must, therefore, be targeted at the urban cowboy. Unfortunately for Tesla, the urban cowboy loves the roar of a large diesel engine, so I think this truck is dead in the water before it starts.

        1. Francis Boyle Silver badge

          Serious question

          What's the problem with the bed apart from the size which is inevitable given the four-door design? Sure, the sides are high but it's not like anyone's going to be shovelling dirt into the thing. And if you need to do something like that you can always hook up a trailer. On the other hand it has a built in ramp which I imagine will be pretty useful for getting equipment on and off, something your farmers, ranchers, and builders do pretty often.

        2. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

          Re: I don't think they'll go for the styling

          Well... going on for 150,000 (if not more already) people have disagreed with you already and put down reservations on the 'thing'.

          It seems that there are a lot of sheep around in a country that hates sheep...???

          To me, it is Fugly beyond belief.

        3. jake Silver badge

          Re: looks horrible

          "the urban cowboy loves the roar of a large diesel engine"

          And massive quantities of black smoke ... the more the better, apparently. Has nobody told the morons that all that carbon is unburned fuel that could have been used to power the vehicle, and that they are throwing large quantities of money away?

      3. NATTtrash
        Megaphone

        Re: looks horrible

        I don't think they'll go for the styling.

        Ah, come on people. We all know what this is, right? It's your typical, shouty shouty silly stuff by a silly sales person doing silly marketing stuff. It has nothing to do with EV. Is it new? Nope; like many said here it looks like a DeLorean. Is the pick up angle new? Nope; the Rivian is already out there some time. With more conservative styling I might add. And yes, Elon got the headline as he frequently does. But like that other great US design icon, Apple, claiming you're the inventing first will convince some fools some times. And honestly, nowadays there are so many SUV EV attempts out there, it will be very easy to take a part of the roof off at the back and give it that "pioneering, wagon trial spirit".

        As for taste: maybe it's me being Scandinavian, but I think it looks ugly. Very ugly. Stupidly ugly. Then again, I think that all Tesla designers should ask their school money back. Meanwhile, I'll spend my money on a Polestar, thank you very much...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: looks horrible

          But the polestar is both really ugly and not very good, either rubbish or totally rubbish depending on whether you are talking about the v1 or v2.

          However, each to their own, you pays your money and you takes your choice, as they say.

          You may not be able to beat the Tesla in EV terms for the foreseeable future but there is plenty of choice down the line that are better options than the Polestar.

        2. jake Silver badge

          Re: looks horrible

          "Meanwhile, I'll spend my money on a Polestar"

          The coupe looks like an early '90s Ford T-bird gussied up for SEMA, the sedan looks like the Ford Five Hundred slated for 2008, but cancelled when they brought back the Taurus.

    3. jake Silver badge

      Re: looks horrible

      "But in America, basically everyone does."

      Absolutely incorrect. There are vastly more cars on the roads than pickup trucks.

      Where do you lot get your info about the US, anyway?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: looks horrible

        Yeah. There are also SUVs, which are basically trucks with full body cabs so you don't have to put your redneck friends in the back with your pit bull, gurning and growling at following traffic. I read a story that the only non EV saloon car (to be?) sold by Ford will be a mustang, which is no more economical than SUVs. Destroy humanity with a Ford!

      2. Imhotep

        Re: looks horrible

        It depends where you are, too. Here in rural Tennessee, cars don't seem to the majority. I'd guess SUVs, pickups and cars in that order.

        1. JohnFen Silver badge

          Re: looks horrible

          Yes, I think that people who haven't been to the US, have only been in the big US cities, or even Americans who have never spent much time outside of the region they grew up in, often don't understand how huge and diverse the US really is. Different parts of the country can be radically different from each other culturally, politically, linguistically, and in terms of what sort of vehicles you see on the roads.

          1. Zolko

            Re: looks horrible

            JohnFen : "often don't understand how huge and diverse the US really is. Different parts of the country can be radically different from each other culturally, politically, linguistically, and in terms of what sort of vehicles you see on the roads"

            you probably nave have been to Europe then, or you'd know what real diversity means when travelling. Drive 1000 miles from Denmark to Italy, or from France to Hungary, from Portugal to Germany, and you'll be shocked.

            1. Imhotep

              Re: looks horrible

              Yes, a lot of different terrain and people that can't understand each other when they talk there too.

              But do you have places where there's absolutely nothing - no buildings, no people, no trees - as far as you can see?

              Or maybe it gets dark at night there too.

              1. Stork Silver badge

                Re: looks horrible

                Parts of Spain come close - there may be a few scrawny trees, though. And long abandoned ruins.

                - I drove across from Sevilla to Valencia, that was plenty dull for me.

            2. JohnFen Silver badge

              Re: looks horrible

              "you probably nave have been to Europe then"

              I have, and Europe has a great amount of diversity, packed into a smaller space even. But I was talking about the US, not Europe.

              I often hear people who are not terribly familiar with the US say things like "Americans are like X" and "All Americans do/own Y". Those statements are never true, and can only be coming from those who underestimate the variety of cultures the US has. Saying this in no way implies that other parts of the world aren't equally or more diverse.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Where do you lot get your info about the US, anyway?

        Probably Wikipedia

      4. NerryTutkins

        Re: looks horrible

        My twin brother lives in North Carolina. My parents visited year or two back, the hire car place didn't have the medium sized saloon they'd booked, so they gave them... a Dodge Ram pickup. But fair play, the landscape gardening where he lives is first rate.

      5. A.P. Veening Silver badge

        Re: looks horrible

        Where do you lot get your info about the US, anyway?

        For cars we watch (American) movies, for the remainder we depend on ridiculous judgments in stupid court cases which make the news here.

        1. Francis Boyle Silver badge

          Re: looks horrible

          From my studies of the same source I've concluded American cars are on the cusp of evolving flight.

          1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

            Re: looks horrible

            But will driving/flying those require a pilot license?

          2. Imhotep

            Re: looks horrible

            They can fly for short distances, but that involves shutting down the highway to clean up afterwards.

        2. jake Silver badge

          Re: looks horrible

          "For cars we watch (American) movies"

          So you lot can't tell the difference between entertainment and real life? That would explain lots.

          "for the remainder we depend on ridiculous judgments in stupid court cases which make the news here."

          Perhaps it would do one well to understand that "makes the news", by definition, means "completely out of the norm".

        3. JohnFen Silver badge

          Re: looks horrible

          Movie America is very, very different from actual America.

      6. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: looks horrible

        > "Where do you lot get your info about the US, anyway?"

        El Reg comments!

    4. spold Silver badge

      Re: looks horrible

      Having migrated across the pond I vouch that you are pretty much spot on even though some people will down vote you. The only thing I would add is that the serious buyers will still go for the F150 and competitors etc... yeah I had one of those Johnny Cab things in the back of my truck last week.... This would go into the wtf bucket for everyone.

      If you had like a *really* large door I could see it as the best door wedge going! ...

      Oh OK let's drag it back to IT folks! Like the Sinclair ZX81! The world's most intelligent door stop. Sorry Sir Clive.

    5. Mike 137 Bronze badge

      Re: looks horrible

      "People buy pickups because they think they look cool"

      Could someone possibly provide a precise definition of "cool" in this context? It seems to just boil down to something on the lines of "I like it", but maybe there's more to it than that?

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: looks horrible

        "Could someone possibly provide a precise definition of "cool" in this context?"

        Cool in this context means, roughly, Because my friend(s) have one (or do it, or whatever) so ME TOO!!!1! (I'm afraid of thinking for myself)

        1. Mike 137 Bronze badge

          Re: looks horrible

          Thanks Jake - right on! There may also be an element of "Look at me Mum!"

    6. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: looks horrible

      > "It's clearly not because they need a 3 tonne, 5 litre ,four wheel drive to go to McDonalds and get their drive-through cheeseburgers."

      You've not met any Americans? :-)

      1. JohnFen Silver badge

        Re: looks horrible

        Is that a fat joke? The US is now only the 10th fattest nation on Earth!

        The fatter nations are, from least to most: Mexico, Qatar, South Africa, United Arab Emirates, Jordan, Egypt, Belize, Saudi Arabia, and Kuwait.

        Also, the rotundity of Americans depends on where in the US they're from as well... some parts have a very high percentage of overweight people, others have a very low one.

    7. John Geek
      Devil

      Re: looks horrible

      3 ton? my truck, a 2002 Ford F250, weighs nearly 4.5 tons(US) loaded, and its a 7.3L turbodiesel. yes, its 4 WD because sometimes I need to go off road, or drive over the mountains in the winter.

      its primary function in my life is to haul our caravan on long road trips, while carrying my astronomy and music festival stuff (awnings, tables, chairs, in addition to telescopes, ice chests, water, propane). its secondary function is carrying my rather large telescope to local star parties along with the tall ladder and everything else I need, and generally haul anything else too big to fit into my wife's estate.

  6. mintus55

    NCAP

    It's never going to pass a pedestrian crash test.

    He needs to borrow the rounded corner patent from Apple.

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: NCAP

      "He needs to borrow the rounded corner patent from Apple."

      He'd be better off borrowing the paper bag patent from Apple.

    2. Dazed and Confused

      Re: NCAP

      I'd have thought it would fail the crash test aspect too, not just the inevitable what does it do to the non-customer aspect. Cars are soft these days so they crumple and that absorbs the energy. If it's totally rigid it's going to have a hard time when they drive it into something even more solid.

      But as you say, the pedestrian crash test is going to be a real challenge, let's face it Jaguar had to fit under bonnet airbag tech to be allowed to have the bonnet that close to the hard bits at the top of the engine. This isn't going to have any give at all.

    3. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: NCAP

      "It's never going to pass a pedestrian crash test."

      Are pedestrians even legal in the US? (Asking for an uberfriend)

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: NCAP

        Yes, pedestrians are legal in the US. Socially encouraged, even, in all but the most backwards of States.

        1. iGNgnorr

          Re: NCAP

          The US also has jaywalking laws, making it illegal to step off the sidewalk onto the pavement except at a formal crossing point or intersection. I'm not sure it applies if you are pushing a bicycle though.

          (Yes, I do know this isn't applicable everywhere, and it is widely ignored anyway.)

          1. Imhotep

            Re: NCAP

            There aren't really any US laws on "jay walking". I believe most those are set by the municipality, maybe some states.

            I never cross at an intersection when I can avoid it: there I have to watch for traffic coming from four directions, and drivers that don't watch for pedestrians and habitually blow through marked crossings.

            Maybe it's better in other locations - NYC, Chicago, etc - but here it's safer to assume that you're potential roadkill and act accordingly.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: NCAP

              From what I've seen of America (cinema (movies)), well New York (The Big Apple)anyway. All pedestrians just run into traffic and when a taxi (cab) slams on their brakes 5.08 cm (2") away the pedestrian just slaps his hands on the bonnet (hood) and states "Hey, I'm walking here" in a strange slightly Italian twanged accent.

          2. JohnFen Silver badge

            Re: NCAP

            As you mention, jaywalking laws aren't anywhere close to universal. But generally speaking, if you're pushing a bicycle, then you are legally (and technically) a pedestrian.

    4. Imhotep

      Re: NCAP

      Do trucks need to meet those tests? They seem to be exempt from a lot of standards applued to cars.

  7. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. Jim Mitchell

      Re: 3 out of 10 for trying

      I think the term is "greenhouse" to refer to the windows on the vehicle.

    2. jake Silver badge

      Re: 3 out of 10 for trying

      "glasshouse is a US car term."

      It is? First time I've heard it.

      Where do you lot get your info about the US, anyway?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: 3 out of 10 for trying

        From bloody Americans who never stop telling everyone how exceptional they are...in their fantasies. There are lots of things I don't know or understand about my British mother land, and even more I don't want to know, so I doubt you are all knowing either, especially since you appear to be of an older generation and not at all down with the kids, except down on your lawn telling them to get off it.

        1. werdsmith Silver badge

          Re: 3 out of 10 for trying

          When you go to USA and talk to actual people, they are just humans like everyone else and talk about normal day to day stuff. 99% of people you meet are as warm, friendly and down to earth. Don’t believe the stereotype.

          Although it’s true many of them do make that idiotic high pitched “WHOOOOOO!” Sound far too much. And it’s infecting us over here.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: 3 out of 10 for trying

            I'm in the USA as we speak, and I like most everyone I meet. It's just that so many of them insist on saying the most idiotic things, often about someone named Trump and sometimes about healthcare and guns, and though on one level I am repelled, on another, I still like them. It's a very conflicted place for a pinko commie fag like me to be.

          2. jake Silver badge

            Re: 3 out of 10 for trying

            Just remember that a very small percentage of 330,000,000 is "many" ... so yes, "many" US citizens have a bad case of Woo. However, I rather suspect the on a percentage basis it's the same per population as any other developed country. Direct observation over the years corroborates my suspicion.

            1. Alistair Silver badge
              Windows

              Re: 3 out of 10 for trying

              Yes Jake, we here on the Reg are perfectly aware that a few americans have a serious case of Woo. Don't worry Jake, most of us don't hold it against you.

              1. jake Silver badge

                Re: 3 out of 10 for trying

                “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness ..." --SLC

                1. Anonymous Coward
                  Anonymous Coward

                  Re: 3 out of 10 for trying

                  The British in their Empire days traveled to places like India and Africa - didn't do so much for their prejudice and bigotry.

                  1. jake Silver badge

                    Re: 3 out of 10 for trying

                    But they didn't "travel to far off places", they "visited other parts of the British Empire". In their tiny little minds, they never left home. And such a crying shame all those foreigners lived on that good British soil, what?

      2. J. Cook Silver badge

        Re: 3 out of 10 for trying

        Probably from the adage "those who live in glass houses should not throw stones."

    3. Imhotep

      People Who Live In Glass Houses

      Glass houses seems to be an appropriate term, considering the demo and the outcome.

  8. JohnFen Silver badge

    What's the market?

    A bulletproof truck that can go 0-60 in 3 seconds and looks like an old-school videogame vehicle?

    Exactly what sort of Mad Max dystopia is His Muskiness planning for?

    1. spold Silver badge

      Re: What's the market?

      Hmmm... I'm guessing for really crappy building contractors in the US market where bullet-proof glass and a quick getaway might be advantageous.

      1. Imhotep

        Re: What's the market?

        WalMart solar panel installers?

      2. Muscleguy Silver badge

        Re: What's the market?

        The sort of building contractor who puts Lefty into the foundations of the flyover you mean?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: What's the market?

      One that includes a flamethrower bundled with the truck purchase.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: What's the market?

        So, South Africa?

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The UK really missed out!

    However will we cope now this snake oil salesman has decided to base his subsidy draining car plant in Germany???

    1. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

      Re: The UK already got scammed

      I thought Brexit Dyson took the electric car money and sneaked off to Singapore.

  10. Mark 85 Silver badge
    Facepalm

    He's having fun right? Not seroius?

    I doubt that the "trickster" will be around after the first year. Looks more like a product for hipsters than something practical for those hauling stuff. On the other hand, being bullet proof, it might go over well with those of a criminal mindset.

    Whatever the designer was smoking or drinking, I think I'll pass on knowing what it was and trying it myself.

  11. chivo243 Silver badge

    Something from the 70s

    Looks like a vehicle from ARK II crossed with a BttF DeLorean,

    https://johnkennethmuir.wordpress.com/2012/05/12/saturday-morning-cult-tv-blogging-ark-ii-the-flies-september-11-1976/

    No link for the DeLorean, everybody should know what that looks like.

  12. jake Silver badge

    6.5 foot bed?

    That's not a truck. Trucks have an 8 foot bed, everybody knows that.

    Body panels that don't collapse in an impact? All the better to transfer all that lovely energy to the fleshy bits inside, no?

    How many pounds of payload are taken up by the armor plating masquerading as body panels? Stainless steel is HEAVY!

    And the doofus thinks it'll run Baja. Not with that range.

    Speaking of range, I put a trifle over 600 miles on my pickup yesterday (it was a short day) ... and no, I didn't have time to stop to recharge the thing. This alone makes it a non-starter for any serious truck owner.

    Face it, it's a toy for poseurs with more money than brains. Nothing more, nothing less.

    1. J. Cook Silver badge

      Re: 6.5 foot bed?

      I dunno; My tundra seems to be competent enough with it's 6.5 foot bed; Granted, if I'm lugging around full sheets of plywood, I'm dropping the tailgate and using the receiver hitch's chain hooks for tie-down points...

      I have serious doubts about the bodywork, though.

    2. iGNgnorr

      Re: 6.5 foot bed?

      "Stainless steel is HEAVY!"

      And the steel other trucks are made of isn't? Really, stainless steel doesn't have significatly different density to other steels.

      1. Robert Sneddon

        Stainless steel

        Stainless is noticeably denser than regular steels because of the large amounts of nickel and chromium in the alloy. It's not super-hard or bulletproof, it will dent and scratch. What interests me about this pickup's design is the rather sharp corners on body details like the wheel arches, they're an obvious place for stress fractures to start and propagate due to vibration from road travel. Regular curved shapes are stronger and less prone to cracking.

        Stainless is also a pig to manufacture compared to conventional vehicle-build grades of steel plate. Elon must be thinking about cross-engineering development from SpaceX's Starship which is being built from stainless steel to sort out the specialist welding, drilling and shaping processes needed to work with stainless. Combining those techniques to work economically and reliably on a car production line is another matter.

        My guess was that this announcement was a joke, timed to coincide with the start date of the original Blade Runner movie (21st November 2019). A friend described the pickup as a "pedestrian murder machine" on his blog.

        1. Francis Boyle Silver badge

          Re: Stainless steel

          A quick check shows that stainless steel is only about 2% denser than carbon steel so I wouldn't assume that going that route would necessarily result in a heavier structure. I think the real problem will be if the technique enforces a design that looks like something out of a cheesy 80's sci-fi movie. Musk might think that's cool and futuristic but a lot of people will disagree and buy a Rivian instead. (Which has a lot of cool features that are genuinely practical.)

      2. jake Silver badge

        Re: 6.5 foot bed?

        Last I looked, stainless is about 2.5% denser than mild steel. That doesn't make any kind of steel lightweight, though, now does it?

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: 6.5 foot bed?

      Yep, of course you did Jake. Pretty sure you drove 10-12 hours without stopping at all?

      A short day where you travel for most of the whole day, but you don't actually reach a destination to stop. Seems like driving for driving's sake.

      All the time pumping out copious amounts of CO, CO2, NOx, particulates etc adding to the further pollution of the planet and ensuring of a speeding up of global warming.

      But of course, you're an aged white male american who doesn't give a crap about such snowflake rubbish, because you have the freedom to do as you wish and sod everyone else, especially the rest of the world that should be being grateful to your country for leading the way in ditching crappy agreements like the Paris Agreement and fighting California for daring to work with car manufacturers to be produce cleaner cars that they actually want to build.

      Yee-ha.

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: 6.5 foot bed?

        For the trip in that post, I drove 320 miles to pick up two horses, loaded them, and drove back. Not only do I have two more clients for my Wife's barn, I also collected a decent transportation fee. Not bad for a day's work. A couple days earlier, a friend and I drove ~400 miles, picked up a 33kW Kubota generator and delivered it to the off-grid house he is building. Then we came home. Total trip: 930 miles, one day.

        Some of us don't spend our entire lives within a day's walk.

        How was your week?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: 6.5 foot bed?

          Of course you did Jake.

          Yee-ha.

  13. cornetman Bronze badge

    Obviously took his cue from the 70s.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Ddb73fIWAAAGptv.jpg

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    There's a reason cannonballs are round

    All that weight behind one point of contact.Smash.

    1. Mike 137 Bronze badge

      Re: There's a reason cannonballs are round

      Actually it's because a sphere is easier to make (they used to drop molten lead down a high tower into water) and, fortuitously, if it's imperfectly shaped it's less likely to get stuck in the cannon than a conventional "bullet" shaped projectile with the inevitable lethal consequences for the gunner. There are still a few "shot towers" in the UK.

  15. Pascal Monett Silver badge

    What an ugly duckling

    Society has spent the first 150 years of car making understanding that curves were good.

    But now, for the last ten years, all of a sudden everyone wants to make the Batmobile and have angles everywhere. I get that the F-117 was high tech and stealth and all that, but one did not see those things flying.

    This thing is an eyesore and I hate angles on my car. Will never buy, no matter what the price. I'd hate to be seen in that cage.

    1. JohnFen Silver badge

      Re: What an ugly duckling

      "I get that the F-117 was high tech and stealth and all that"

      Although it was angular only because the computing power of the day was insufficient to calculate the curved shapes needed to accomplish the same reduction in radar cross section. There's enough computing power now, which is why newer designs of stealth planes don't look like that.

      ...which means that the F-117 itself is a bit retro.

    2. Annihilator

      Re: What an ugly duckling

      Na, he's clearly just a huge fan of Virtua Racing and is trying to cash in on the nostalgia craze.

  16. DougS Silver badge

    So if the body can't be dented

    Or is at least really difficult to dent, doesn't that mean there is no "crumple zone" for the body to absorb some of the impact when you hit something? That means more impact force is transferred to the occupants, and more destruction for whatever it hits.

    Sure, you might pay less for collision/comprehensive insurance if the body is less likely to be damaged in a fender bender type accident, but if it is less safe for the occupants and less safe for the occupants of a car it hits in the types of higher speed collisions where injury/death is likely to occur, the liability insurance is going to be higher on this thing.

  17. gecho

    Laminated Side Glass Safety Risk?

    Following a severe accident where your doors can't be opened, being about to smash tempered glass (or having it break in the crash itself) can be a useful feature for getting people out of the vehicle.

    1. Jellied Eel Silver badge

      Re: Laminated Side Glass Safety Risk?

      They're there for the same reason we fit toughened glass to oven doors*. Keeps the hot gases inside. Conversation in the pub raised the question as to how many people will throw bricks at these to see if Tesla really has fixed the gla.. I mean 'transparent metal' toughness.

      *Also.. hipster off-roader! Perfect for Burning Man! Park on a slope, and have your personal chef griddle omlettes.

    2. Francis Boyle Silver badge

      No problem

      Those little tools with the pick and the seatbelt cutter will now come with an accessory cannonball.

  18. Mike 16 Silver badge

    I was looking more for

    The TRUCKLA https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R35gWBtLCYg

    1. J. Cook Silver badge

      Re: I was looking more for

      ... And apparently, she managed to sneak it into the announcement event, too:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCKjmfsgBBY

      I'd be MUCH more interested in buying a truckla than the cyber truck thing-y.

  19. Steve K Silver badge

    Fugly

    This looks like an attempt by a Ugandan in his shed to build a working helicopter from a few tin cans and a garden shed (as seen on https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=D21oQQ-zXAM ), except this time he has tried to copy the De Lorean....

    At least the required crash testing will do $20k of improvements....

  20. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    Mr 6%

    "Tesla’s share price subsequently plummeted 6%, bringing Musk’s personal net worth down by $768m in a single day, according to Forbes."

    "Tesla’s shares took a similar 6% hit a year ago, when Musk decided to smoke marijuana on a live web show."

    https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2019/nov/22/elon-musk-net-worth-tesla-cybertruck

  21. Rasslin ' in the mud
    Pint

    It doesn't matter ...

    what people are saying as long as they're talking about you. It's called publicity.

    Elon Musk is no dummy despite what all you box dwellers may think. Whatever is the final form of this urban cowboy trinket - it certainly isn't designed for those of us who use our pickup trucks to earn a living - he has EVERYONE talking about it, if only for the "stunt" with the windows. It's all Free Advertising.

  22. Random Q Hacker
    Holmes

    Insider move?

    This is what you do if you know you're going to turn a huge profit next year, and want to drop the stock price before you issue options this year.

    He knew that window would break.

    Window-gate!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Insider move?

      There is a video of the test run. They actually get the balls to bounce off.

      I would suspect adrenaline from stage nerves meant they accidentally threw them (both times!) much harder on stage.

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Its the bastard offspring of a DMC and a 70's vw charger vw kitcar.

    Charger, for those of you who have not been cursed with looking at one over time in its faded angular drew on a beermat when drunk glory :-

    https://www.fiberclassics.org/wp-content/uploads/2006/06/vw-charger-kit-4.jpg

  24. Sleep deprived
    Thumb Down

    Uglier than a Pontiac Aztek

    Has Tesla replaced it design software by something simpler that doesn't support splines, only straight lines?

  25. Christopher Aussant

    Ask truck owners

    Did anyone at Tesla talk to truck buyers at all? We're a varied bunch and before anyone starts, Canadian not American.

    Lots of wide of spaces to have to drive across. Work oil rigs and sometimes those "roads" to get to the job site are little more than a trail through a field. Driving 11 hours in 1 day to pick up a vehicle with the trailer, stopping for gas for about 5 minutes and back on the road again. When I still have to work that day and I've drove 10 hours of more, what time do I have to recharge this thing for an hour and a half or more?

    Modifying your truck to suit your needs is both entertaining, relaxing and fun for a lot of us. Having your vehicle be unique is a major point for some of us. Being able to be recognized having the same unique vehicle for 12 years has been great.

    Speaking of, 12 years. 489000km and still going strong on the original motor(HEMI, not diesel btw). My "oversized" to some V8 has to haul me and my gear and possibly my trailer up hills and through mud and snow, pulling people out of the ditch with the winch on the pushgrill or the tow strap I keep in the truck boosting people with the booster cables in my toolbox, or helping out with my spare can of gas in the back. Always made it home from work, no matter how bad the roads were where my girlfriend got stuck at my place for a week cause the roads were so bad her little Honda civic couldn't even drive down them.

    Those of us who drive pickup trucks and USE them don't want this POS. Raising it up with lift kits and bigger tires may seem silly to you, but some of us offroad or drive over 6 inch high rough wood rig matting and don't feel like ripping our exhaust or undercarriage apart. Wheres the aftermarket for this? 0-60 in 3 seconds? Not so great for slick mud and ice and snow. Max torque at low rpm is nice, sure, trailer hauling would be good. For short hauls. No good for most of the trailer runs most of us tend to do. And with a giant(hah!) pickup bed can you not slap a second battery in it and put a false bottom on and double the range?

    One size doesn't fit all for cars. My challenger has a very different purpose from my pickup. My truck is a WORK truck, not a glorified electric seat meant to take me through traffic across town and live as a pavement queen. When the power goes out in the winter time, like it has, and it gets down to 9 degrees or lower inside the house, at least I can go out to the truck and let it run and get warm and top it off with the spare can of gas in the back. Guess I just get to freeze to death if the power goes out for too long with one of these.

    As a truck owner(had several over the years) they're there to serve a purpose. Sure some people have them for no reason, just like everything else. Some people go crazy with it(I'm sure I could be accused of that), but the other side of the spectrum is bad too. Have fun hauling 12000lbs uphill behind your prius, some of us wanna get done and go home. I'll stick with the truck I bought and modified to be better suited to the terrain I put it on and enjoy the heat pumping at me from my V8 in the middle of winter at -40C.

    1. DougS Silver badge

      Re: Ask truck owners

      These are obviously not targeted at truck buyers who use them as trucks. They are targeted at the type of truck buyers who buy a truck/SUV and never take it off road, or haul anything in the back besides shopping bags or luggage.

      "Soccer moms" who like bigger vehicles because they believe they are safer in them will like the fact it is dent "proof" - ignoring that it this will make it more dangerous should they ever get in a real accident due to the lack of a crumple zone that absorbs most of the force.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ask truck owners

      As for hauling, towing, mud/snow, carrying a small can of gas etc. That's all things this trucjk could do, and the hauling, traction etc may well be better. As for the 0-60, well that is as fast as you want it to be - many big truck owners seem to like to put their foot down at the lights or on the freeway so it might appeal to them. If not just don't press the pedal as hard.

      You can add extra batteries for extra range.

      It is also possible to run the heating on an EV for a very long time with much less noise, risk of CO poisoning (deep snow!), and not have to be running a very inefficient engine wasting the heating/electrics by spinning around.

      However it will not suit everyone - yourself included because a V8 is what you want. Luckily you won't have to buy it. Some people will and they'll love it some peole won't go near it with a barge pole, however the idea that if it doesn't have a V8 it won't be able to haul a trailer? Makes no sense, there's a lot more torque and power across the entire RPM range of an electric motor than your V8.

  26. a pressbutton Silver badge

    Less bladerunner / matrix

    More space 1999

  27. Ashentaine

    Congratulations!

    Your Citroen Karin evolved into Cybertruck!

    https://classicandsportscar.com/sites/default/files/styles/slideshow_slide/public/2019-06/1_weird_Citroen_Karin.png

  28. parityerror

    But like the Hummer, does this come with a chick magnet installed?

  29. Henry Wertz 1 Gold badge

    Pricing

    Believe it or not, pricing isn't an issue on this thing.. a base F150 in the US is like $29,000, and loads of people buy the $45,000+ "luxury trucks"... you have a vehicle that still has the poor ride of a truck, handles like a truck, but the interior's tarted up with leather, and sometimes the cab is bigger (.... usually making the actual truck bed, which to me would be the point of bothering to buy one, uselessly short.) $39,900 is really not out there for pricing for trucks here in the states.

    That said, it looks rather silly and I have my serious doubts if it'd appeal to the truck-driving market here.

  30. Andy The Hat Silver badge

    Why keep poking the UK finger ...

    and suggesting it looks horrible and won't sell?

    Come now. In the UK we have proud traditions to uphold.

    The Austin Allegro which sold.

    We had the Austin Maxi ... which sold.

    We had the Morris Marina ... which sold

    Given the Apple-like fanbois status of anything Tesla, this pick up could look like a blind origami-trained dog folded it out of a stainless steel can and it would sell ... oh it does and it is ...

  31. timrowledge

    I live in a very pickup populated area. Driving to the shops yesterday it struck me that suddenly all those Princess Pickups looked very old and a bit sad.

    If the stainless body works out ok I’d be very happy to buy a car built along the same lines. With the... advanced... ages of the population here, parking skill is not exactly high. My current Subaru got dinged and scraped the first time I took it shopping. I haven’t bothered to repair it because I know it would get crunched again almost immediately.

  32. 89724102172714182892114I7551670349743096734346773478647892349863592355648544996312855148587659264921 Bronze badge
    FAIL

    Ridiculous! Personal transportation should be becoming smaller, lighter & more efficient

  33. jake Silver badge

    One I forgot ... from 1970.

    The Lancia Stratos Zero.

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Two things to bear in mind.

    If not already said here,

    1 If coated with radar reflecting paint may avoid speeding tickets.

    2 soon all cars will be bullet proof because it's America.

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Silly Con Valet

    All the hipsters will need this to protect themselves from people living real lives on the streets because they can't afford to live near SF anymore.

  36. Sherrie Ludwig

    Appears to be the unholy love child of a DeLorean and a Pontiac Aztek.

  37. 89724102172714182892114I7551670349743096734346773478647892349863592355648544996312855148587659264921 Bronze badge

    It's the Battlezone tank, with fewer polygons:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ctr54kopo8I

    ...too much weed kicking off subconscious nostalgia, bleeding into the real world (common problem)

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