back to article BOFH: Trying to go after IT's budget again?

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "So let me get this straight," the PFY says, shaking his head a little to clear his thoughts "Global warming is... our fault." "I didn't say that," the Director blurts. "Anyway, it's called climate change." "You implied it was our fault," the PFY says. "No I didn't!" "Yes you did …

  1. Caver_Dave
    Thumb Up

    I'm going to quote this!

    "Buying carbon credits is a bit like a serial killer paying someone else to have kids to make his activity cost neutral."

    Brilliant!

    1. Dabooka Silver badge

      Re: I'm going to quote this!

      Yep.

      That's in the bank for next time I hear that, which somewhat tragically is too frequent for a sane world.

      1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

        Re: I'm going to quote this!

        Which bank? The sperm one?

    2. JetSetJim Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: I'm going to quote this!

      Exactly what I came in to post!

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
        Coffee/keyboard

        Re: I'm going to quote this!

        Me too! I was going to say so yesterday, but it's taken since then to clean up the laptop keyboard and screen!

        1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: I'm going to quote this!

          Yuck, did you mean to imply that, or was it a 'happy accident'.

    3. Oengus Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: I'm going to quote this!

      PMSL. Where do I nominate this for simile of the century?

    4. twelsh37

      Re: I'm going to quote this!

      My thoughts exactly

  2. baud Bronze badge
    Devil

    Green

    It feels recycled from the last time the boss tried to buy carbon credits.

    1. bpfh Silver badge

      Re: Green

      Was that the one with that finished with a demonstration to the boss of a managed forest in Scotland, illustrated with a shovel, a roll of carpet and few sacks of quicklime?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Green

        I heard something interesting about quicklime, you have to keep it dry or it acts like a preservative!

      2. scoldog1

        Re: Green

        I think they meant this one

        https://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/02/01/bofh_episode_4/

    2. Jedit
      Angel

      "It feels recycled from the last time the boss tried to buy carbon credits."

      *grabs obvious feed line*

      Well, at least he's recycling.

  3. IceC0ld Silver badge

    BofH to the rescue, as it was starting to be a LONGGGGGGG day :o)

  4. AnotherBoringUsername

    Stopped reading at "IT Budget's"..........criminal grammar failure.

    1. AnotherBoringUsername

      Which has now been corrected....I guess I can continue reading ;)

  5. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    I'll replace the Boss's recycle bin with one made out of magnesium, his fire extringuisher with a petrol one and skedaddle out of there.

    1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge
      Flame

      Hmmm. Magnesium bin? Well, if you're going to go with that, why not put a couple of kilos of thermite mix in the bottom, since it would be a shame to waste that ignition temperature, and just in case the boss finds the real water extinguisher (thermite burns underwater)...

      Bonus points if the bin is on the floor above the underground car-park, and placed directly above the boss's car...

      1. baud Bronze badge

        Nah, it's better with the director's car, with a paper trail leading back the accident to the boss.

      2. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

        Thanks for the corrextion, got magnesium and thermite mixed up. My bad.

        Your idea have merit, a magnesium-thermite combination with an accelerant to ignite the thermite and a water-based fire extinguisher should give off spectacular results.

        Muhuhaha.

        1. G Olson

          Don't use water or petrol; use hydrogen peroxide. Double the accelerant; double the fun.

      3. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

        Perhaps you could time it to co-incide with a drone hitting the side of the bullding for added conspiracy kudos?

    2. Oengus Silver badge
      Mushroom

      No, after replacing the waste paper bin with the magnesium one just make sure the only extinguisher in the bosses reach is a water one. Water on a magnesium fire is quite spectacular.

    3. DropBear Silver badge

      Somehow I seriously doubt Mg will ignite from a few sheets of A4 paper.

      1. Toltec

        Should work, but to be sure make it a mesh type bin.

      2. G Olson

        Adjust the inside of the bin for proper fit with a file and leave the shavings in the bin.

      3. Luiz Abdala Bronze badge

        You can use the thermite to increase the temperature so the magnesium kicks in. Once it gets going, add the water hydrant.

        That´s just ground aluminum and coal...

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exothermic_welding

  6. RyokuMas Silver badge
    Joke

    Downgrade...

    Petrol filled fire extinguisher? Bit of a step down from swapping the fire suppression system's halon supply for a connection to the gas main... clearly the BOFH is not thinking as big as he once did...

    1. ArrZarr Silver badge
      Flame

      Re: Downgrade...

      Sometimes the scale and grandeur is overboard.

      This situation needed the personal torch.

    2. Ordinary Donkey

      Re: Downgrade...

      He's claiming demolition reduction credits.

    3. Stoneshop Silver badge
      Flame

      Re: Downgrade...

      'Halon' would be for the server room; you'll find that office areas tend to have fire 'extinguishers' spread around augmented with 'firehoses', and sometimes you'll see 'sprinklers' fitted to the ceiling.

      The latter being connected to the gas main or not is something I couldn't possibly comment on.

    4. deadlockvictim Silver badge

      Petrol filled fire extinguisher

      Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.

  7. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

    hey! i'm gonna not burn something down too!

    your welcome :)

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      This day I have decided not to hire someone big to punch my boss.

      (My mate in the next cubic-hell is sufficiently motivated to do it for free.)

  8. bombastic bob Silver badge
    Unhappy

    I dunno...

    I just didn't find this one all that funny.... and I usually can't stop laughing when I read the BOFH stuff.

    Maybe you should have had Simon push the irritating 'boss' out the window the moment he mentioned "the environmental stuff", and spent the rest of the time on covering it all up and cracking jokes about it with the PFY?

    I see Simon as a logical guy that doesn't like extra work, and would instinctively take issue with governments and regulations and that whole 'climate change' thing...

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Re: I dunno...

      "Buying carbon credits is a bit like a serial killer paying someone else to have kids to make his activity cost neutral."

      That was worth the entry price alone. In fact I stopped reading the piece to steal it, and text it to a friend. Thus having offset my use of the Earth's finite resources of humour, I continued reading.

      Given his regular penchant for pushing people out of windows, do you think the BOfH has the same health & safety inspector as the town of Midsomer? Which also has an appallingly high death rate for such a small place.

      1. Hero Protagonist
        Devil

        Re: I dunno...

        Are red shirts unusually popular in Midsomer?

        1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

          Re: I dunno...

          Along with people who don't have names :)

      2. scoldog1

        Re: I dunno...

        I still reckon the earlier story about carbon credits is funnier

        https://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/02/01/bofh_episode_4/

  9. Will Godfrey Silver badge

    An enjoable romp

    I like the umm, 'unique' take on carbon offsetting, but feel it was somehow incomplete.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    PFY's Carbon Offset Business

    I expected him to readily agree, and then propose the PFY's very own carbon offset selling business to make the sale!

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: PFY's Carbon Offset Business

      Carbon capture and burial would be a suitable in house activity.

      1. Stoneshop Silver badge
        Boffin

        Re: PFY's Carbon Offset Business

        a suitable in house activity.

        Only temporarily, as an intermediate solution. A week or so at most.

        1. Psmo Bronze badge

          Re: PFY's Carbon Offset Business

          You'd need a big enough freezer.

          1. Chris G Silver badge

            Re: PFY's Carbon Offset Business

            No, you just need a basement floor , digging tools and some concrete.

            1. FeRDNYC

              Re: PFY's Carbon Offset Business

              For the love of God, Montresor!

              ...Oh, wait, you were proposing to kill them first. That's fine, then. Carry on!

      2. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

        Re: PFY's Carbon Offset Business

        You can offset a huge amountof carbon by neutering people before they have children. Just sayin'

        1. FeRDNYC

          Re: PFY's Carbon Offset Business

          Even more by killing them off before they get a chance to spawn. That also makes it way easier to claim a carbon credit for recycling their unmourned corpse. After all, we're going to have to face the environmental impact of cemeteries eventually. To quote George Carlin:

          ~~

          Isn't it time we stopped wasting valuable land on cemeteries? Talk about an idea whose time has passed. "Let's put all the dead people in boxes and keep them in one part of town." What kind of medieval bullshit is that? I say, plow those motherfuckers up and throw them away. Or melt them down. We need the phosphorus for farming. If we're going to recycle, let's get serious!

          ~~

          (Always true to his convictions, after Carlin died in 2008 his body was cremated and his ashes scattered.)

  11. Andy the ex-Brit
    Trollface

    Reminds me of cost saving projects I was on that were totally fake. Assume that we would choose the most expensive solution, then compare all solutions and choose a perfectly normal middle-range one. Instant, huge savings to be claimed by management.

    One time I said in a meeting for such a project, "I saved $2000 today by cycling to work!"

    "You mean per year?"

    "No, I got a quote on chartering a helicopter ride, then cycled here instead. Savings!"

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      It sounds complementary to the way Apple lose money on repairs.

  12. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Light Blue Touch Paper and Retire.........

    "So you'll be making changes in places other than IT?"

    "I... Not at this stage."

    "So what you're saying is that IT is the only way for the company to address global warming at the moment - which therefore IMPLIES that IT must be to blame?"

    "Oh, I see your point. But no, that's not what I meant."

    Touché .... and En Garde‽ :-) Are you catching those waves, Director?

    And IT now surely IS to blame for all we have seen in the past presented as if relevant in news and views from the future, but only if IT continues to pimp and pump sub prime factors rather than immaculate fictions.

    After all, we all follow in the trails and tales of A.N.Others industriously forging further ahead with everything logged to enlighten enlivening scripts. Well, one certainly is here today, that's for sure.

    Today, for a Quantum Leap, El Reg ? Into a Practically Secure Imaginative Network with Attending Live Operational Virtual Environments. It is not as if you don't have the IT Nous in Spades, is it? And anything else you might always needs is easily supplied by interesting and interested board members shooting the breeze here for a Real Change*. :-)

    * Ok .... the first one to get that to JC [Jeremy Corbyn not Jesus Christ ... or that other one, Jeremy Clarkson] deserves a prize, [here 'tis an ale] ... and as such news always travels remarkably swiftly, it will present all parties with an embarrassment of riches and something of an enigmatic dilemma to consider and resolve .... or just leave for A.N.Others to Continually Fix and Mend/Tend and Extend.

    1. Psmo Bronze badge
      Pint

      Re: Light Blue Touch Paper and Retire.........

      to Continually Fix and Mend/Tend and Extend.

      I...think you just described most of my career.

  13. Mark 85 Silver badge

    If PHB's were to read the BOFH articles, they might get the clue not to irritate the IT folks. But for full impact (bat to the head?) they need to read the comments and understand how devious we really are at protecting ourselves.

  14. Raphael

    Many moons ago I worked for a South African forestry company, Sappi, shortly before I left, they inked a deal with Volvo where people buying a Volvo would have their carbon offset by Volvo paying Sappi some money for a tree they were already going to plant....

    1. Scroticus Canis
      Unhappy

      ... and then chop down, pulp and make into paper ...

      ... with an incredible amount of toxic waste. You could smell their pulping plant 20 or more clicks away depending on the wind. It was vile.

      1. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

        Re: ... and then chop down, pulp and make into paper ...

        Vile does not describe the smell of the Sappi plant near Nylspruit. It is beyond horrible.

        Whenever I had to go to Nelspruit (or that direction) I would take the Schemanskloof road.

        I assume that Foul Ole Ron's smell will just scoff and laugh at that stink.

        PROTIP : A pollen filter does not block that vile, disgusting and horrible smell from entering your car.

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Re: ... and then chop down, pulp and make into paper ...

          PRO TIP:

          An activated charcoal pollen filter helps enormously in these situations. Carbon, where it counts.

  15. Blackjack

    Cut IT budget... lose 50 times more money in a ramsomware attack!

    Not such a good idea when it ends with you getting the axe, isn't it?

    1. dfsmith

      Re: Cut IT budget... lose 50 times more money in a ramsomware attack!

      Can you buy a carbon offset for all those bitcoins you "had" to send to the "kidnappers"?

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    carbon offsets

    Buying carbon offsets is not gonna cut it when every other tree is our country ends up in a biomass facility.

    1. Mike007

      Re: carbon offsets

      If you plant a tree then you are benefiting the environment. If you create something out of renewable resources then you are benefiting the environment. If you recycle the product in a biomass recycling facility then you are benefiting the environment.

      Plant a tree. Cut it down and make a door wedge. Then recycle your door wedge using a thermal recycling process. You can claim the carbon credits 3 times, and use the offset to fuel your Ferrari whilst waiting for the new HQ building to be built.

  17. jared555

    Replacing the contents of a dry chemical fire extinguisher with sawdust, coffee creamer or flour would also be a good way to generate a large fireball. Rig the fire extinguisher so once you squeeze the handle you can't stop it from spraying.

    More exciting than going all the way back to water but more likely to be able to claim the "not burning the building down credits".

    1. scoldog1

      Been watching Mythbuster reruns, have we?

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRw4ZRqmxOc

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