back to article Emergency button saves gamers from sudden death... of starvation

Hardcore gamers no longer have to tread the knife-edge of actual life or death in the physical world while pwning n00bs in their favourite battle royale. Thanks to some newly installed and highly conspicuous emergency buttons – each helpfully labelled EMERGENCY BUTTON to avoid any potential confusion – players hunkering down …

  1. sbt Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Publicity friendly.

    And you fell for it, like an egg from a tall chicken.

    Why? Why give oxygen to these oxygen thieves?

    Look, it's great that your recent Dabbxit has left you with more time to write for El Reg, and the increased by-lines have not gone unnoticed. Please remember, quality, not quantity.

    1. Grikath

      Re: Publicity friendly.

      Why? Shall I, in thime-honoureth thrathithion, helpfully point you to the header of the section, oh incredulous one?

      As an article this has everything expected of a quality Bootnotes article: the WTF?!!ness, the annotations *, the snark, and the whole serious-but-not-serious overtone. It even has an IT angle.. ** All brought to you by a staple name of Vulture Central.

      Sometimes there's no pleasing some people....

      * The condiment to a proper Bootnotes snack

      ** Opinions vary whether this is a good or bad thing, as part of the Art and Joy of Bootnotes is often deducing the possible IT angle in the comments.

      1. sbt Silver badge
        Holmes

        Re: Publicity friendly.

        The IT content is not in dispute. Sure, there's some snark about the vagaries of the recreational sweatshop, but it's not Haines level. This article would not exist if some PR hack hadn't put 1 and 1 together.

        1. veti Silver badge

          Re: Publicity friendly.

          So what if they did? Should such enterprise go altogether unrewarded?

          ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

          1. sbt Silver badge
            Facepalm

            Life is short.

            I guess I have higher standards for entertainment. Carry on.

            1. sabroni Silver badge
              Facepalm

              Re: I guess I have higher standards for entertainment.

              Or you're just a bit "up yourself".....

              1. sbt Silver badge

                Nah, it's long, but not that long.

                Come to think of it, it's not really my standard, just the norm from the Venerable Dabbs.

                Morrisette's Law maybe applies? Critical, snarky articles allowed, nay celebrated. But not critical, snarky comments on said articles.

                1. Kane Silver badge
                  Go

                  Re: Nah, it's long, but not that long.

                  "Come to think of it, it's not really my standard"

                  Ars Technica is thataway...>>>

                2. sabroni Silver badge

                  Re: But not critical, snarky comments on said articles.

                  In what ways aren't your comments allowed/celebrated? The mods will take down posts that don't adhere to the forum rules.

                  Your posts are still up.

            2. JDX Gold badge

              Re: Life is short.

              Like posting comments about it.

          2. Aussie Doc

            Re: Publicity friendly.

            I read that in Russel Crowe's voice.

            Loudly.

  2. heyrick Silver badge

    If I make an emergency button and press it

    Will somebody bring me mind bleach to erase what I just read?

    1. macjules Silver badge

      Re: If I make an emergency button and press it

      May I echo that? Double on the mind bleach please.

      1. KittenHuffer

        Re: If I make an emergency button and press it

        Jack Daniels do an excellent mind bleach!

        I've lost many an evening to their wonderful elixir!

    2. Robert Carnegie Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: If I make an emergency button and press it

      I'll Dash to your assistance. ;-)

      Amazon already launched, then cancelled the product delivery pushbutton!

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Almost there

    Now they just need to add seats that let you clear out the other end without getting up and it'll be perfect.

    1. Andy Non Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: Almost there

      Apparently some gamers wear nappies when playing at home so they don't have to leave off their game. That's taking gaming a tad too far in my humble opinion.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: Almost there

        They can advance to pull ups if they feel the need to transition to adulthood.

      2. Korev Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Almost there

        For the Loo-ser?

      3. Nolveys Silver badge
        Terminator

        Re: Almost there

        "We had no idea how long they had been there. We found them jacked in, emaciated and sitting in pools of their own festering excriment. They had terrific scores."

    2. Jay 2

      Re: Almost there

      Am now reminded of the South Park episode of Make Love Not Warcraft (I think it was).

  4. Pascal Monett Silver badge
    Coat

    "pissing into the empties in situ to avoid leaving their chairs for toilet breaks"

    Well that's me never participating in one of those things, then. Congratulations, you have just completely grossed me out.

    1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: "pissing into the empties in situ to avoid leaving their chairs for toilet breaks"

      Yeah, up until those last two paragraphs I was thinking "what use is a burrito without a couple of bottles of Dos Equis?". Now, not so much.

    2. Baldrickk Silver badge

      Re: "pissing into the empties in situ to avoid leaving their chairs for toilet breaks"

      Never encountered that at any of the LAN parties I went to.

      That said, we never had emergency burrito orders either - though our mass pizza orders probably doubled the daily takings of the local pizza shop.

  5. Mike 16 Silver badge

    Burrito Delivery

    And here I was expecting news of a transatlantic extension of the famous Alameda/Weehawken Burrito Tunnel:

    https://idlewords.com/2007/04/the_alameda_weehawken_burrito_tunnel.htm

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm reminded of the old David Beckham goes to the hairdressers joke......

    Becks go for a hair cut and he sits down in the barbers chair and the barber say "ok take ya head phones off".

    Becks refuses saying "I can't mate, I must keep them on it's very important I don't take them off".

    Barber says "don't be silly how am I going to cut your hair when your wearing head phones".

    Beck's "look just do your best, it's a matter of life or death, I can't take them off"

    "OK" says the barber and starts to cut his hair, after a while he accidentally knocks the head phones of Beck's head and he suddenly loses consciousness. He quickly picks them up and as he hastily puts them back he hears this voice coming out of them saying "Breath in, Breath out, Breath in"

    1. Pangasinan Philippines
      Joke

      Which again reminds me of the joke that Stefan Edberg (Swedish Wimbledon champion) goes into Boots chemist and asks for a deodorant

      'Ball or aerosol?' asks the shop girl

      Oh No! its for my arm pits.

      1. Paul Herber Silver badge

        That joke was old when Not The Nine O'Clock News did it!

    2. Scroticus Canis
      Paris Hilton

      Good to see the old blonde bimbo jokes being recycled

      No, not really.

    3. Updraft102 Silver badge

      Well, breath does rhyme with death...

  7. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

    a nearby partner restaurant

    or some "kitchen" in a tiny unit on a nearby industrial estate that no one has ever heard of, least of all the local environmental health inspectors (allegedly).

  8. joeW Silver badge

    "Never drink the Lucozade"

    Lucozade is the choice of the discerning gamer.

    It's the wide neck on the bottle.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: "Never drink the Lucozade"

      TBH, who'd notice the difference?

      1. Scroticus Canis
        Holmes

        Re: "Never drink the Lucozade"

        After tasting it once, about 50 years ago, I have always thought it was just a way to monetise old diabetes mellitus urine samples.

  9. jospanner

    The comment about pissing in bottle just put me off going entirely.

    1. swampdog
      Joke

      I'm afraid you're gonna have to wee eventually.

      1. Andy Non Silver badge

        You're just taking the piss.

        1. Wellyboot Silver badge

          That could be a money spinner at these events.

          There's never an empty bottle when you need one.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Pissing in a bottle

      Is this why the vast majority of gamers are male?

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Just wondering myself. Is it a joke from the article author or those things are really happening ?

      Last time I've seen dudes pissing in bottles was on a very drunken journey to a heavy metal show, hours of coach drive away, with no stop, no toilets in, and shitloads of booze consumed.

      Henceforth the need to evacuate at all costs.

      I remember one drunken dude drinking something and spitting all on my trousers telling me as an excuse: "it's piss". It took me a couple of seconds to understand he meant it literally: he confused one bottle of booze and one of urine.

  10. Maelstorm
    Devil

    Well now....

    They make extra-large Depends, but the intended use is for people who are incontinent. After a 48-hour gaming session, they probably need a crane to pick their ass off the chair will a full diaper because they were too lazy to unload their ammo into the loo. Seriously though, that is taking the game too far. I have heard of things like this when I was playing World of Warcraft, like people being found dead in front of their computers because they were chugging energy drinks and their kidneys failed.

    1. Charles 9 Silver badge

      Re: Well now....

      Hmm? I thought it was commonly just straight-up dehydration. Anyway, how soon before these kinds of games are required to institute "pit stops" of at least 15 minutes every two hours to avoid being held liable for deaths like this?

      1. Maelstorm

        Re: Well now....

        It's been awhile since I looked, but the TOS doesn't even mention these issues. What is interesting though is that on the loading screen when you initially log in or cross over onto a different server has messages that are displayed to the user. One of them goes something like this: Have fun with your friends in Azeroth, but don't forget to have fun outside Azeroth as well. So, at least for Blizzard Entertainment, they do understand that people need a break. Back in classic, some 40-man raid bosses can take a full 8 hours to defeat.

        1. Charles 9 Silver badge

          Re: Well now....

          "Back in classic, some 40-man raid bosses can take a full 8 hours to defeat."

          That's what I was wondering. A single, enclosed battle with a single mega-boss and it takes a full eight hours to defeat with (due to this being a mega-boss) no possibility of a break. I wouldn't be too surprised, down the line, if these kinds of battles are structured more in stages. Every possibility of victory or total wipe still there, of course, but as you reach certain milestones the boss flees or something happens that separates the belligerents temporarily, allowing for those pit stops I mentioned.

      2. baud Bronze badge

        Re: Well now....

        There's some MMO (maybe GW1 and TOR) that printed messages in chat (just for you) like "you've been playing for xx hours, don't forget to take a break"

  11. Marketing Hack Silver badge
    Mushroom

    Burritos?

    Do Brits know how to de-fang beans? If not, you'd better learn before this gaming event starts.

    (Icon is artist's conception of result of striking a match in the gaming arena after a couple days of free burrito delivery.)

  12. FozzyBear Silver badge

    Emergency Button????

    Honestly I think they are just voting themselves for a Darwin Award

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Go outside and kick a football, FFS

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      You just watch. Someone's gonna try this and either cracking their skull from a rebounding ball or get run over by a car.

    2. JDX Gold badge

      >>Go outside and kick a football, FFS

      He posts anonymously on an IT forum

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Posting anonymously on an IT forum takes a minute. If it took so long that I'd be in danger of starvation, then you'd have a point.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Trollface

      > FFS

      > FPS

      > FPF

      First person football sounds like an underserved genre. Nice catch!

    4. Updraft102 Silver badge

      I tried, but there wasn't one out there.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Long haul drives and flights

    Piss jugs.

    Old concept.

    Delivered burritos?

    No thanks.

  15. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    Any means of inducing some laxatives into said Burritos prior to delivery?

    Because the BOFH inside me would, and then record the action for posterity on CCTV for world+dog to see.

    Bonus BOFH points if you can get the entire gaming hall to be brownwashed.

    1. Charles 9 Silver badge

      Did you ever happen to watch that raunchy school comedy "Hamburger: The Motion Picture"? I believe near the end some a bunch of fat people came into a burger joint and (with them eating everything in sight--including the other customers' food) the workers decided to fight back with milkshakes laced with industrial-strength laxative.

  16. Captain Scarlet Silver badge
    Mushroom

    Mountain Dew?

    What is this, every single LAN I have ever been to has had a mountain of Cider/Beer (On some occassions a somerfields trolley which ended up in the garden for some reason).

    When we moved to a hall it was the hot water dispencer (For Pot Noodles), with those mini kegs in the fridge (Although we did have an issue with power, so had to ensure only one person turned on at a time when full).

    1. Captain Scarlet Silver badge
      Megaphone

      Re: Mountain Dew?

      Damn downvoter, what is it, did you drink Mountain Dew, do you get insulted by me mentioning Pot Noodles, WHAT!

  17. JohnFen Silver badge

    Interfering with nature?

    Natural selection -- it's only natural.

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