back to article Au my bog: Bloke, 66, on bail after 'solid-gold' crapper called 'America' stolen from stately home

Blenheim Palace was forced to close its doors on Saturday following the theft of a solid-gold loo – a piece of art called "America". The crapper was lifted from Winston Churchill's Oxfordshire birthplace early on Saturday morning and the theft was reported to police just before 5am. Detective Inspector Jess Milne said: "We …

  1. Marketing Hack Silver badge

    There's cheap crap, and there is expensive crap.

    But it is all still crap.

    (If the crooks are smart, they will just melt the toilet down for the gold, and then sell that.)

    1. Blackjack

      Re: There's cheap crap, and there is expensive crap.

      The thing is probably just gold plated. No gold toilet is made from solid gold because gold is too soft to hold a heavy person weight.

      1. batfink Silver badge

        Re: There's cheap crap, and there is expensive crap.

        Depends. Low-carat gold may be ok. 24K not.

        But I concur about the likelihood of it actually being solid gold. How many kilos would that be? At (clickety...) $48,000+ per kilo? That's for 24K of course, divide at your convenience. Then multiply by the weight of your convenience.

        1. Soruk

          Re: There's cheap crap, and there is expensive crap.

          The BBC reported it as being 18ct gold.

        2. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

          Re: There's cheap crap, and there is expensive crap.

          well , unless anyone knows the volume of a toilet ...

          1. Angry IT Monkey
            Coat

            Re: There's cheap crap, and there is expensive crap.

            The volume of my toilet depends on what I've been eating.

        3. Cederic Silver badge

          Re: There's cheap crap, and there is expensive crap.

          At a scrap price of around £28k a kilo for 18ct gold and a value in excess of £5m you're looking at around 180kg of gold.

          Which is a lot for a bathroom floor to handle, especially if an 18 stone man then sits on it.

          1. MyffyW Silver badge

            Re: There's cheap crap, and there is expensive crap.

            I wonder how they got something so heavy in ahem .. "motion" ?

            1. Marketing Hack Silver badge
              Go

              Re: There's cheap crap, and there is expensive crap.

              Most people don't have problems making a bow(e)l movement...

          2. Blackjack

            Re: There's cheap crap, and there is expensive crap.

            I honestly hope this isn't some insurance fraud scam or the artist himself stealing it.

        4. LDS Silver badge

          Re: There's cheap crap, and there is expensive crap.

          Cattelan said it weights 135kg.

    2. kiwimuso
      Mushroom

      Re: There's cheap crap, and there is expensive crap.

      I cannot believe that El Reg's headline does not say something like:

      Valuable art work (loo)ted from Blenheim Palace.

      Or alternatively: Gold-plated crapper (loo)ted from Churchill's blingheim palace.

      Icon, cause this happens sometimes in these places.

  2. JimmyPage Silver badge
    Coat

    But at last generations of schoolkids

    got the headline: "TOILET STOLEN, POLICE HAVE NOTHING TO GO ON"

    1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: But at last generations of schoolkids

      Yes, even the Telegraph went for that one.

  3. BogBeast
    WTF?

    Opulent Crap(per)

    " theft of a solid-gold loo – a so called piece of art called "America".

    FTFY..

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Opulent Crap(per)

      Did you get those kids off your lawn yet?

    2. Jellied Eel Silver badge

      Re: Opulent Crap(per)

      It's 'elf & safety gorn mad. Like the mass of a solid gold seat and/or cover slamming down close to one's prized jewels.

      I'm betting there's no way it's 'solid gold', especially if 1 person managed to wrench it out and run away with it without the aid of a pallet truck.

      1. lglethal Silver badge
        FAIL

        Re: Opulent Crap(per)

        I think you missed this part

        Police said a gang of thieves using two vehicles broke into the palace and pinched the lav.

        2 vans does not equal 1 guy...

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Gold toilet, only for those who do gold poos. A satisfying clink of metal on metal when shitting (gold) bricks.

  5. The Central Scrutinizer

    A pretty shitty theft....

    ar ar.... yeah yeah I know....

  6. sorry, what?
    Devil

    That reminds me of some entertaining graffiti...

    Seen on the inside of a cubicle door in the library at University of Leeds in the late '80s:

    "Caution: turds over 6lbs should be lowered by hand"

  7. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    Someone...

    Is flush with cash from this.

    That said, does anyone have any idea on what sort of design it took? One or two piece? Or even an old fashioned pull chain? Asking for a friend...

    1. Adrian 4 Silver badge

      Re: Someone...

      pic : https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2019/sep/16/maurizio-cattelan-solid-gold-toilet-america-stolen-blenheim-palace

      So definitely not this one : https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/132771934997

  8. phuzz Silver badge

    "The sculpture was the centrepiece of his new show, which opened on Thursday."

    Hopefully not literally, given that it was supposed to be used.

    (And yes, the toilet was fully functional and plumbed in, the BBC story mentions that there was a water damage when the thieves ripped it out)

  9. Andytug Bronze badge

    I don't think the police are trying very hard.....

    ….sounds like they're just going through the motions.....

    1. Giovani Tapini Silver badge
      Stop

      Re: I don't think the police are trying very hard.....

      Although nobody wants to think about the messy and uncomfortable implications of this being an "inside job" following an manual evacuation (of the toilet of course).

      I also however don't believe it could be entirely solid gold - given that gold would (highly approximately) weigh around twice as much as solid steel, and would need something a bit less bendy to be included or be far less pure to retain strength. If I approximate that toilet even bowl only is likely to weigh in at over 30Kg in solid gold you are hardly likely to be running away with it. Lots of huffing and puffing involved in this even without the magazines stuffed behind it...

      1. Alien8n Silver badge

        Re: I don't think the police are trying very hard.....

        Not solid gold, or at least not solid pure gold. It was reportedly 18 ct gold

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    America

    Completely apposite name. Gilded piece of tat flushing it's pollution over the rest of the world.

  11. BebopWeBop Silver badge

    Fishy

    I believe that the average British toilet bowl runs between 30 and 55bs (well it is a US piece of work). Given the density difference between gold and porcelain, if it was a solid gold bowl, then it must have weighed one heck of a lot more if it maintained the form. It must have been tricky to get in place but getting such a heavy object back out through the window (as reported) would have required heavy lifting gear shurely?

    But I laughed at the 'heist' anyway. The naff being taken from the stupid (the Churchill family).

    1. rmv

      Re: Fishy

      The artist reckons he used 103kg of 18-karat gold to make it.

      1. batfink Silver badge

        Re: Fishy

        By my calculations, that would be US$3,322,000-ish worth of gold.

        Of course this artist would have that much spare cash lying around to pour into an artwork.

        ROI????

        1. Clunking Fist Bronze badge

          Re: Fishy

          I've got something I could pour into that artwork.

  12. Woza
    Joke

    Theft from Churchill?

    We will heist them on the beaches...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Theft from Churchill?

      "We will fart between the peachies."

      "Never, in the history of excrement, has so much gold been owned by some bloke for a poo."

  13. Velv Silver badge
    Coat

    Given gold's ability to conduct heat, I'm guessing this thing isn't going to be conducive to sitting reading the Sunday papers

    1. Wellyboot Silver badge

      If one can afford such a device, one has a minion to read the news and another to wipe.

    2. BebopWeBop Silver badge

      I understand they only gave a 3-minute usage slot, so its only use would be for a few select (or not) tabloids.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Graffiti Memories

    Here I sit broken hearted, come to shit but only farted.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Graffiti Memories

      Here I sit on the pooper, making food for some state trooper...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Graffiti Memories

        Here I came to stand and wee,

        Followed through now woe is me.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Graffiti Memories

          I'VE HAD YOUR MOTHER

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Graffiti Memories

            Go home, Dad. You've had enough.

    2. sorry, what?
      Joke

      Re: Graffiti Memories

      Some come here to sit and think.

      Others come here to sh*t and stink.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Graffiti Memories

        Yeah, multitasking!

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Graffiti Memories

      Flush twice, it's a long way to the cafeteria!

    4. JulieM Silver badge

      Re: Graffiti Memories

      But better that than take a chance,

      Save your penny but shit your pants!

  15. LenG

    Is it really art?

    Not sure why copying an everyday object in gold is classified as art. Would it still be art if it were made of dried poop?

    1. Mike 140

      Re: Is it really art?

      It's an upmarket homage to Duchamp's earlier work.

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fountain_%28Duchamp%29

    2. Wellyboot Silver badge

      Re: Is it really art?

      oh yes, defo still art and an excellent allegory for much modern art.

    3. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

      Re: Is it really art?

      Would it still be art if it were made of dried poop?

      even more so!

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Is it really art?

      "An experiment in turd polishing"

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Re: Is it really art?

        Ah... so it was government funded then?

      2. the Jim bloke Silver badge
        Angel

        Re: Is it really art?

        Contemporary wisdom is that you cant polish a turd.

        .. but you can cover them with glitter. ( see most consumer products )

        .. if you eat the glitter, the 'shiny' will permeate the turd (see 'high end' consumer products)

    5. LDS Silver badge

      Would it still be art if it were made of dried poop?

      Of course.

      https://www.tate.org.uk/art/artworks/manzoni-artists-shit-t07667

    6. This post has been deleted by its author

    7. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

      Re: Is it really art?

      Would it still be art if it were made of dried poop?

      That would be a question for an Arty Farty person

  16. herman Silver badge

    They stole it just for shits and giggles?

  17. lglethal Silver badge
    Joke

    A man's home is his castle

    and you cant have a castle without a golden throne!

  18. sawatts

    Au Crap!

    Perfect title courtesy of someone on twitter.

  19. David 45
    Facepalm

    Nothing to go on, indeed!

    Perhaps it should have been in the cistern chapel or maybe the Louvre.

  20. chubby_moth
    Coat

    Deep shit man!

    Taking a crap on America in Winston Churchills apartment. It actually travelled the world to get crapped upon. And now, shit happens or is someone taking the crap out of us? Now that's a real turdbender.

  21. ocflyfish

    I had to double check to make sure I hadn't been redirected somehow to The Onion. John Crapper is rolling over in his grave.

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