back to article Full of beans? Sadly not as fellow cracks open tin at dinner to find just one

Amid the doom 'n' gloom of Brexit, you can always count on the UK's illustrious local press to focus on the real stories and champion the little guy. Like the famished chap from Bristol who, after a hard day's work as a city councillor, returned home from a residents' meeting anticipating a full helping of the fast food with …

  1. TechnicalBen Silver badge
    Coat

    I am reminded.

    Of the recent AMD case. I mean, technically it's "Heinz baked beans" so false advertising.

    1. Martin-73 Silver badge

      Re: I am reminded.

      maybe that's why they changed the branding to beanz

      That way they can argue in court that it's simply a branding thing, and not an indication of plurality

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's bean soup, as the old joke goes.

  3. J. R. Hartley Silver badge

    Beenz

    The comment is required

    1. Paul Herber Silver badge

      Re: Beenz

      Has beenz.

      <queue canned laughter>

  4. Paul Herber Silver badge

    Even the bean counters are being dumbed-down. One bean, many beans.

    1. OssianScotland Silver badge

      So Detritus the Troll was in charge of QC?

      (GNU pTerry)

      1. Kane Silver badge
        Boffin

        One Bean

        Two Bean

        Many Bean

        Lotsa Bean

    2. Psmo Bronze badge

      One bean, some beans, a very small casserole.

      /Baldrick

    3. Bite my finger

      I suspect that human bean was baked.

    4. hplasm Silver badge
      Meh

      Even the bean counters are being dumbed-down.

      How can we tell?

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Rations

    Lol, Brexit has been cancelled or effectively will be forever paused.

    The decades of elections to come will use Brexit as a standard manifesto pledge to attract certain voters and it will, like copyright, be extended over and over till eventually, perhaps 50 or more years from now, Brexit gets simply cancelled or ignored as its an old fashioned hold over from grandads day.

    1. simonlb Silver badge

      Re: Rations

      No rations, just a weekly food allowance of various Victory branded produce available from your local Victory food bank.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Rations

        No different from now then?

      2. ma1010 Silver badge
        Big Brother

        Re: Rations

        I've heard a rumor that BB was going to raise the weekly ration to TWO beans. Doubleplus good!

        1. 's water music Silver badge

          Re: Rations

          as long as I can have my two minutes hate I'll be happy

  6. Adrian 4 Silver badge

    density

    I suspect bean juice is higher density than bean fibre, so a tin lacking beans would weigh more than one having the expected number.

    1. Joe W Silver badge

      Re: density

      Plus they fill it by weight not by volume - at least that's what it says on the tin.

    2. Neil Barnes Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Re: density

      That'll be why the beans always float to the top... or do they?

      1. Cuddles Silver badge

        Re: density

        "That'll be why the beans always float to the top... or do they?"

        You can't know until you've opened the can, at which point the waveform collapses. Like the age-old question of whether the fridge light turns off when the door is closed, we may never be able to answer it for certain.

        1. tony72

          Re: density

          Heinzenberg's Uncertainty Principle?

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: density

            Heinzenberg's Uncertainty Principle?

            Oh that's so Bohring...

            1. Rich 11 Silver badge

              Re: density

              That joke is just Feyn, man.

        2. druck Silver badge

          Re: density

          Like the age-old question of whether the fridge light turns off when the door is closed, we may never be able to answer it for certain.

          You can if you put a Raspberry Pi with camera, in the fridge!

          1. 's water music Silver badge

            Re: density

            .Like the age-old question of whether the fridge light turns off when the door is closed, we may never be able to answer it for certain.

            You can if you put a Raspberry Pi with camera, in the fridge!

            How would you tell if the Pi processor heat wasn't interfering with the PIR sensor that turns controls the fridge light

            1. Cederic Silver badge

              Re: density

              Because my fridge - and every fridge I've ever owned - uses a physical switch for its internal light not a PIR sensor.

              1. 's water music Silver badge
                Happy

                Re: density

                nope they definitely all use PIRs (even yours)

                1. Cederic Silver badge

                  Re: density

                  No, no they don't. They use spring loaded mechanical switch.

                  Why on earth would my fridge manufacturer reject a tired and tested cheap reliable effective design in favour of a less effective option that costs more and consumes more energy? It doesn't make any sense at all.

                  1. TRT Silver badge

                    Re: density

                    "Why on earth would my fridge manufacturer reject a tried and tested cheap reliable effective design in favour of a less effective option that costs more and consumes more energy? It doesn't make any sense at all."

                    Progress.

                  2. jelabarre59 Silver badge

                    Re: density

                    Why on earth would my fridge manufacturer reject a tired and tested cheap reliable effective design in favour of a less effective option that costs more and consumes more energy? It doesn't make any sense at all.

                    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OfxlSG6q5Y

                  3. 's water music Silver badge

                    Re: density

                    No, no they don't. They use spring loaded mechanical switch.

                    Why on earth would my fridge manufacturer reject a tired and tested cheap reliable effective design in favour of a less effective option that costs more and consumes more energy? It doesn't make any sense at all.

                    Seriously, I have investigated this extensively. It's all PIRs these days. I'm worried you are just embarrassing yourself here. Some manufacturers have even produced retro-fit kits to upgrade older fridges

          2. hplasm Silver badge
            Unhappy

            Re: density

            "You can if you put a Raspberry Pi with camera, in the fridge!"

            I did - some lowlife ate it.

        3. Bite my finger

          Re: density

          > "You can't know until you've opened the can..."

          So the beans don't really exist until they are observed? Tell that to the people in the lift!

          1. TRT Silver badge

            Re: density

            Lifting the lid on baked beans...

            1. mark4155

              Re: density

              I've told you a million times...stop spilling the beans!

              Toodle Pip! Old Bean (Groans to self, and deserves barring from site)

        4. JulieM Silver badge
          Boffin

          Fridge Light

          Actually, I once devised an almost foolproof experiment to determine whether the fridge light went off or stayed on when the door was closed.

          This consisted of wiring a multimeter in series with the fridge, to measure the current. If the light was going on and off, the reading should have changed as the door was opened and closed.

          As I said, it was almost foolproof. The only error in the execution was leaving the meter switched to a resistance range (in which it was expecting to see just a fraction of a milliamp from its own internal battery), rather than an AC amps range.

          Now, modern multimeters can supposedly laugh in the face of such abuse; but this was many years ago, and this particular instrument was decidedly not happy about having mains applied to it with only the compressor for a current-limiting resistor.

      2. MrBanana

        Re: density

        If left for long enough (tested by finding an undisturbed can at the back of the cupboard that was years old) the beans sink to the bottom, and the sauce separates out, producing a layer of water floating on the top.

    3. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge

      Re: density

      a tin lacking beans would weigh more than one having the expected number.

      I am not sure it would. I imagine they dump however many beans in a can and then top up with sauce until the weight is right. So same weight, beans or not.

      Any 'wrong weight' detector would be at the end of the production line so this one sailed through.

      At least he had a brand where the sauce wasn't 90% water.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: density

      I suspect bean juice is higher density than bean fibre, so a tin lacking beans would weigh more than one having the expected number.

      You're not taking into account the density of the highly compressed methane, hydrogen sulphide and other noxious gasses that each evil stinky wind capsule bean is full of.

      I refer you to the obligatory Blazing Saddles scene...

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPIP9KXdmO0

  7. Spoobistle
    Boffin

    "a little on the light side?"

    Actually that would depend on the buoyant weight of beans in bean sauce. It's not the difference between an empty tin and a full one, but the difference between sauce and beans. My estimate, based on a model of beans as close packed spheres with a density of 1.1 g/cm3 and sauce of density 1.02 g/cm3 (about 5% sucrose) would be a difference of about 20g on a 400g tin. I expect other readers will wish to confirm this experimentally.

    1. phuzz Silver badge

      Re: "a little on the light side?"

      Given that the beans sit in the sauce for months and potentially years at a time, I wouldn't be surprised if they end up reaching approximately the same density as the sauce as they both mingle.

      Damn, I'm going to have to buy a can of baked beans and do some research now, and that'll mean keeping the windows open tomorrow.

      1. Psmo Bronze badge
        Devil

        Re: "a little on the light side?"

        Just give them to the neighbour's cat.

        1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: "a little on the light side?"

          Just give them to the neighbour's cat

          Cats, being sensible creatures, won't touch beans with (someone elses') bargepole.

          Of course, cats being cats will refuse to act as expected and love baked beans. And, when you buy several cases in order to feed them will refuse to eat them.

          Because they can.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: "a little on the light side?"

            Cats, being sensible creatures, won't touch beans

            Yes they will. They lick all the tomato sauce off, and leave the beans.

            1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

              Re: "a little on the light side?"

              My Aunt's cat loved it when she got fish and chips.

              Not the fish mind. Wouldn't touch that, with or without batter. But went for the chips like nobody's business. But only if they were also covered in ketchup.

              I don't know its attitude to beans.

            2. hplasm Silver badge
              Thumb Up

              Re: "a little on the light side?"

              "Cats, being sensible creatures, won't touch beans

              Yes they will. They lick all the tomato sauce off, and leave the beans." - without touching them...

  8. Tom 38 Silver badge

    If he finds just one bean, doesn't that mean he's the new King?

    1. Psmo Bronze badge
      Angel

      Wasn't it to prove that you're a Princess?

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Princesses

        No. That's if you post on social media about it.

      2. VonDutch

        I thought that was the ability to pee through 50 mattresses

        1. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge

          That's one hell of a full bladder...

          And surely must have some force behind it for it to penetrate 2.38 mattresses a seconds or is multiple attempts allowed?

        2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          I thought that was the ability to pee through 50 mattresses

          In which case one of our cats is, at the very least, a princess..

    2. BebopWeBop Silver badge

      In past times, getting to be King on the bean count was bad news for your future.

      1. ibmalone Silver badge
        Coat

        Giving us the phrase "has bean".

        1. BebopWeBop Silver badge
          Happy

          Very good - but reaching for you coat is appropriate

  9. Ian Johnston

    I used to run residential events for an organisation run by a real penny-pincher who, having gone to (minor) prep school in the 40s and (very minor) public school in the 50s believed that any food was acceptable as long as it didn't actually trigger the gag reflex. No jokes, please, about what did trigger the gag reflex in minor public schools.

    He was a great fan of the old Tesco Value range, including their baked beans, which were around 7p a tin. I checked one tin, and after washing the "tomato" "sauce" off in a sieve, discovered that the entire tin contained one desert spoon full of beans. And not heaped at that.

    1. BebopWeBop Silver badge

      To be fair to Heinz, typically their beans do appear to be worth paying for vs. 'generics'. (even as a penniless student I knew that).

      1. TRT Silver badge

        You have to heat them up in the kitchen, then carefully move the plate or bowl back to your bedroom/student pit. But can you carry hot haricot?

        1. BebopWeBop Silver badge

          Oh no you don't - again as a penniless student, cold beans eaten out of the can were a frequent staple depending on cash.

          But upvote for the line.

      2. Cederic Silver badge

        Morrison's own brand are perfectly good. Although sometimes I go for Branston's, just for the variety.

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Branston's are a bit mushy IMHO.

    2. Dagg

      believed that any food was acceptable as long as it didn't actually trigger the gag reflex

      Coming from a commonwealth country with an abundant supply of nature food where butter was cheaper than margarine. I was stunned by the quality of British food in places like the works canteen.

      I just could not believe that my work mates considered that this was quality. It was then explained to me the concept of a "school" dinner. Whoa, my immediate thought was child abuse.

      I ended up married to an English lady and returning to said commonwealth country and English lady if I'm not careful will revert to type with an evening meal of cheap baked beans on toast or a salad using something called "salad cream" which appears to be a by product of some unknown industrial chemical process making soap or something.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Rubbish! British canteen food is great; provides 100% of your recommended daily allowance of irony.

      2. Kane Silver badge

        Salad Cream

        Salad Cream sandwiches. You just can't beat them. That tang of permitted emulsifiers? Marvellous.*

        *If you live in a country where the tradition calls for mayonnaise, just don’t ask. Just don’t.

        1. Tom 38 Silver badge
          Stop

          Re: Salad Cream

          Un-attributed Sir Pterry! (Thief of Time, they are Famine's favourite snack)

          1. Kane Silver badge
            Happy

            Re: Salad Cream

            What is Rule One!

      3. Intractable Potsherd Silver badge

        Re: salad cream

        Sorry - de gustibus non est disputandem! Salad cream is significantly better, in my opinion, than mayonnaise. Mayonnaise is tasteless, and I avoid it like the plague - the vinegar in salad cream is just wonderful! A cheese and salad cream butty is a great late-night snack, and salad cream on fried fish is a great alternative to tartar sauce - try it, you might like it!

  10. Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse Silver badge

    To see the humour...

    To see the humour in this and offer the guy some recompense or similarly humerous apology would be really good PR for Heinz.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: To see the humour...

      It's standard procedure. When my dad was a Heinz rep he had to visit customers who complained about things like this. Normal procedure was to take a replacement tin plus a selection of samples of other new stuff.

      1. Ken Shabby Bronze badge
        Holmes

        Re: To see the humour...

        Is that called Heinz site

    2. TRT Silver badge

      Re: To see the humour...

      Send them a fart in a can.

  11. Zog_but_not_the_first Silver badge
    Trollface

    The humanity...

    Will no-one think of the flatulence children?

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: The humanity...

      NO! The children can get their own beans.

  12. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    I'm disappointed in this story!

    I was rather hoping for a photo of the can with just one giant mutant super-bean that almost completely filled it.

    And am rather sad that this is just the case of a guy being forced to eat bean on toast.

    I hope Heinz have bean in touch, and given him a replacement tin.

    1. ibmalone Silver badge

      Re: I'm disappointed in this story!

      I'm reminded of a haute cuisine(-ish) meal I once had; fish and chip.

      One giant croquette.

      Sadly I don't have a picture.

      Even more sadly they didn't sculpt a giant pea out of mushy peas to accompany it. (I say sadly. Mushy peas are a travesty, but I'd have applauded the effort.)

  13. David 45

    Similar

    I once had a completely meatless meat pie made by Birdseye. Just pastry - nothing else! Reckon that also qualifies for headline news! :-)

    1. A. Coatsworth
      Mushroom

      Re: Similar

      Close, but not cigar... for some immemorial reason[1], beans are inherently funny, and thus worthy fof a bootnotes article. Pastry sadly is not.

      [1] icon unrelated... or is it?

  14. Daedalus Silver badge

    Here's looking at you, kid

    The problems of one local councillor don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

    There, I've said it.

  15. ukgnome

    This is the sort of thing that would make Barry Kirk shudder

    Who is Barry Kirk? He is the secret identity of an earth bound half baked super hero.

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