back to article Devon knows how they make it so steamy: Phantom squatter of Torquay curls one out on bloke's motor

Ah, another fine morning in sunny Torquay. The crisp, invigorating sea air and – oh God, what is that smell? And what on Earth is that on the roof of our car? Someone... took a dump... on our car! This is how The Register imagines Devon seaside town resident Kirk Petrakis unfortunately woke up on Sunday morning after being …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    If anything ...

    ... deserves a PlayMobil reconstruction then surely this is it.

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: If anything ...

      Lester hope that someone else is up to the challenge

      He'd have loved this story -->

  2. chrismiller

    the footage doesn't look like its come from CCTV, shaking all over the place...

    1. GrumpenKraut Silver badge

      Filmed from a screen, it seems. Note the date in the upper right.

      1. tmTM

        Filmed from a screen, it seems.

        because all CCTV in news needs to be as fuzzy and low quality as possible.

        Even if they used HD cameras to capture the incident.

  3. GrumpenKraut Silver badge
    Trollface

    He did everything!

    Nope, did not vomit.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: He did everything!

      Or, indeed, a Honda Jizz.

    2. gerdesj Silver badge
      Coffee/keyboard

      Re: He did everything!

      "Nope, did not vomit."

      The grand slam ...

  4. m4r35n357

    Made a log of the incident!

    see title

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Made a log of the incident!

      That would go in the log book.

    2. Martin Summers Silver badge

      Re: Made a log of the incident!

      Your 7 year anniversary of registering is tomorrow. You've made 17 posts in that time. You just got yours in before mine. What kind of luck is that for me! Happy Anniversary for tomorrow anyway :-)

  5. Martin Summers Silver badge

    "Devon and Cornwall Police have made a log of the incident."

    Which was quite easy since it was ready made for them!

  6. TRT Silver badge

    Maybe he wanted to buy it...

    and was just leaving a deposit?

  7. chivo243 Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    Mr. Hankey Returns

    and rolls off a log... love that one " Devon and Cornwall Police have made a log of the incident."

    The only way it would have been funnier: Devon and Cornhole Police have made a log of the incident.

  8. My-Handle

    £2000...

    ...to 'fix' a car roof that had been shat on? I'd have just lifted it with a plastic shovel and hosed down whatever was left, job done. I'm guessing the perpetrator must have done significantly more damage than just a turd, to the tune of a couple of dents and several bad scratches in the paint. The crap must have been the icing on the cake, as it were.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: £2000...

      I believe it was a soft-top.

      1. 0laf Silver badge
        Trollface

        Re: £2000...

        Long and absorbant as well?

    2. Captain TickTock

      Re: £2000...

      How does one crap on the roof of a car, without standing on it? So yeah, good guess

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: £2000...

        >How does one crap on the roof of a car, without standing on it?

        Yogi flying?

        1. Jimmy2Cows Silver badge

          Re: £2000...

          Did Yogi get bored of the woods?

          1. Tom Paine Silver badge

            Re: £2000...

            "That's no pickernick basket, Booboo!"

      2. Captain Scarlet Silver badge
        Stop

        Re: £2000...

        That comment invites some very foul ideas of being able to dump on someones roof without standing on it!!!

      3. 's water music Silver badge

        Re: £2000...

        How does one crap on the roof of a car, without standing on it

        A good run-up and excellent timing I would imagine

    3. DougS Silver badge

      Re: £2000...

      If you stand on the roof of a small car (and clamber on the hood to get there) you may very well dent it. Don't need any scratches to reach a bill of that size - if you'd ever had a claim for hail damage you'd know why.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: £2000...

        A kilo of nutty slack can easily scratch the paintwork if carelessly wiped off.

      2. Captain Scarlet Silver badge
        Childcatcher

        Re: £2000...

        The person was pissed so doubt they would gently get on the car.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: £2000...

      Skid marks are always the hardest to remove.

    5. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Could have been worse...

      if he'd have crapped in the front grill, the shit would have really hit the fan.

      Or the air-conditioning intake. That doesn't bear thinking about actually... all belted up ready to go, adjust the interior blower outlet to point straight at your face because the weather report was for a hot, hot day... ignition on...

    6. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: £2000...

      ...to 'fix' a car roof that had been shat on?

      Having had some drunken muppets decide that our Morris Minor would be fun to climb onto (and slide off) I can confirm that fixing the resultant dents and paintwork damage could well go into a 4-figure sum - especially as it's something that most garages would subcontract out to a specialist and not do themselves.

      And that's on a car that actually has a significant thickness of metal in the bodywork - I'd hate to think of the damage that an average 'adult' male would do climbing onto the roof of a Jazz (which isn't one of the more sturdy cars out there!).

  9. Blockchain commentard Silver badge
    Facepalm

    So, this really is a shit story !!!!!

  10. Andytug

    They thought he was trying to steal it....

    but turned out he was just going through the motions.....

  11. Korev Silver badge
    Coat

    Torquay...

    ...Always was a bit of a dump...

  12. TRT Silver badge

    Now if it was...

    a white VW with a "53" on the bonnet things could have ended very badly for our wannabe phantom of the plopera.

  13. LeahroyNake Silver badge

    Biometrics

    Another reason for the plod to push for fecal recognition :o

    1. phuzz Silver badge

      Re: Biometrics

      It's possible to get DNA from shit (you lose a few cells from the inside of your intestines with each movement), so perpetrators can be identified by their excrement. eg

    2. Ken Shabby Bronze badge
      Holmes

      Re: Biometrics

      Well if they do find something to go on, think of all the paperwork.

  14. Jemma Silver badge

    Hopefully

    It was a Fiat 500...

    It'd be like Shitception

    A shit, by a shit, on a shitbox, in a shithole. *

    * Geology field trip and family holidays. Yes, I'm still scarred.

    1. Tom Paine Silver badge

      Re: Hopefully

      Hey, don't knock it -- there are some great rocks down there! There's a whole globally recognised geological epoch named for the county doncha you know.

      1. Jemma Silver badge

        Re: Hopefully

        Surprisingly enough I am fully cognisant of the Devonian period & the joys of the rocks thereof.

        However the point still stands, Torquay is one of the many places in the UK that would be materially improved by either a suitcase nuke or a Smallpox outbreak - and I doubt it's improved any from the mid eighties to late nineties. Nowhere else on this miserable island has.

        The best that can be said is its not Ardnamurchan - that really is the bumhole of nowhere. It's like the Jehovahs Witness make over of Tatooine.

  15. NukEvil

    Police Powers

    "I want the police to have tougher powers."

    You can already be cuffed and put in jail for making a mean tweet on the internet in the UK. How much more powerful can your police practically get?

    1. Jimmy2Cows Silver badge

      Re: Police Powers

      Pretty sure taking a dump in public fouls a variety laws.

  16. Juan Inamillion

    Now then now then..

    The police should have taken a sample of the chod for DNA analysis. There's the IT angle, Shirley?

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: Now then now then..

      Juan, may I introduce you to Bootnotes? Bootnotes covers all journalistic sins. Remember, ElReg is a RedTop, they have to publish this kind of thing once in a while or they get kicked out of the guild. Besides, all work and no play makes a dull vulture.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Open and sh*t case.

    He has a s***load of DNA evidence.

    1. hoola Bronze badge

      Re: Open and sh*t case.

      Detailed Nerdy Analysis......

  18. Peconet57
    Linux

    Off putting curly wurlies.

    That has certainly put me off curly wurlies for a while.

  19. This post has been deleted by its author

  20. jake Silver badge

    "The cleanup operation sadly fell to Mrs P"

    And presumably she filed divorce papers on the cad shortly thereafter?

  21. jake Silver badge
    Pint

    "Mr Petrakis continued: "The world is changing

    The world isn't changing. Nor are the drunks. There are just more cameras dotted about. And a communications system that allows anyone anywhere to post the boring minutia of their dreary lives where anyone can view it. And worse, where TheMewsMedjia can find it. Which means that instead of only hearing about my neighbor's car getting shit on, I also hear about the car of some dude in Torquay (and every other podunk town anywhere in the world) getting shit on.

    My! What a brave new world we live in. Is it Beer O'Clock yet?

    1. phuzz Silver badge

      Re: "Mr Petrakis continued: "The world is changing

      Exactly. "Drunk person takes a shit in a inappropriate place" is hardly a new phenomenon, it's just that 10,000 years ago when Ogg got shitfaced on half rotten apples and crapped all over Ugg's cave, there wasn't CCTV to film it.

  22. Tromos
    Joke

    "It takes all sorts."

    To be fair, liquorice confectionery can have a bit of a laxative effect.

  23. earl grey Silver badge
    Trollface

    shotgun full of salt in the arse

    would have sobered the sob up nearly instantly.

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: shotgun full of salt in the arse

      I rather suspect that in gun-paranoid Blighty it would have made the perp shit himself, which would be somewhat counterproductive ... funny to some, perhaps, but counterproductive nonetheless.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: shotgun full of salt in the arse

        somehow, I think paranoia isn't the right word when it comes to guns. That would suggest irrationality surrounding the harm that could be done.

  24. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

    Doing it by the book

    Mirror, Signal, Movement

  25. Tom Paine Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Awesome headline

    Once more, hats off to the Reg subs! I needed a cheer-up today and that made me literally chuckle out loud.

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