back to article We don't mean to poo-poo this, but... The Internet of S**t has literally arrived thanks to Pampers smart diapers

What's that unpleasant whiff? No, it's not little Johnny's sticky bowel movement but the new "smart diaper" containing his special effort. That's right, folks – this month brings us a literal internet of shit, courtesy of Pampers, which for some ungodly reason has decided to add app technology to its namesake absorbent …

  1. macjules Silver badge

    Push Notifications?

    I am sure that there will be something most gratifying for new mums to see "Little Boris just pushed out several pounds of crap all on his own. What a clever little chap! Our analysis says that perhaps you should add a teensy weensy bit less vodka to his milk tonight, ok?"

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Alert

      Re: Push Notifications?

      "Little Boris just pushed out several pounds of crap all on his own..."

      In just a few weeks' time, Big Boris will be crapping on all of us from 10 Downing St

    2. mark4155
      Holmes

      Re: Push Notifications?

      Is that what the "Report Abuse" is for...really Vodka!?! My babies drink of choice is 12 year old malt whisky, knocks him out for days. Seriously anybody investing in this App needs to have a good look in the mirror, got to go I hear my baby crying,,,,

      1. Roland6 Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: Push Notifications?

        Yes feeding your baby vodka, whisky etc. is abuse. Whereas traditional Gripe water (3.6% alcohol) is good parenting.

        1. MonkeyCee Silver badge

          Re: Push Notifications?

          @Roland6 - Of course. Hard liquor is from five years up, and topical application on gums when teething.

          Beer is from any age. We add hops so that the wee buggers don't steal it all :D

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Push Notifications?

            "Beer is from any age."

            Small beer was traditionally a drink for children. The brewing process made it safer than drinking unpurified water in those past times.

        2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: Push Notifications?

          Gripe water (3.6% alcohol)

          Depends on your age (and the type used) - some had much higher levels. See my other post..

        3. Anguilla

          Re: Push Notifications?

          ""

          Pint

          Re: Push Notifications?

          Yes feeding your baby vodka, whisky etc. is abuse. Whereas traditional Gripe water (3.6% alcohol) is good parenting. ""

          That "traditional Gripe water" only ever worked once with quietening my daughter some 32 years ago.

          I don't think that she ever bought any for her new born - now 4 year old daughter - years ago.

          Haven't even seen it in Hong Kong pharmacies nowadays - but I really don't go seeking it when Chinese "Bamboo Wine" from the supermarkets works well for my indigestion !

      2. phuzz Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: Push Notifications?

        I do know a family who's solution to teething, was a finger dipped in whisky, rubbed on the affected gums (and the rest of the glass was for mum or dad pI guess).

        Strangely both kids are now somewhat alcoholic, although so were mum and dad come to that.

        Having watched friends with small babies reaching the end of their patience, I wouldn't be surprised if quite a lot of parents have at least contemplated spiking the little one's bottle with booze.

        1. This post has been deleted by its author

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Push Notifications?

          It was the sixties so....

          My Father found a way to empty a third of a bottle of Scotch into me when I was teething.

          My mother was cooking, turned around and saw that the Bottle was looking a little low.

          She panicked but the young RCMP Constable was having none of it.

          They rested me on the bed and I spent the evening dead asleep.

          I didn't turn into an alcoholic even though I got a small wine glass with pizza and would

          get a few gulps of Dad's beer if I was good. I enjoy alcohol, but I can't stomach the abuse.

          The way to avoid the mental attachment that leads to alcoholism is to detract from its prohibition.

          French Canada understands this, but then again some people are pre-disposed.

          1. WallMeerkat Bronze badge
            Trollface

            Re: Push Notifications?

            I wasn't sure if what you wrote was the poem, the way that you

            decided to space it out for us to read, line endings by two

    3. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: Push Notifications?

      bit less vodka to his milk

      When I were a nipper (late 1960s), we got given gripe water to ease stomach upset. Which (usually - then anyway) contained about 20% ethanol by volume.

      So I blame my drinking on my parents - they started it!

      1. tony2heads
        Pint

        Re: Push Notifications?

        According to my mum I was hooked on the stuff and I had to be weaned off it slowly (born 1957)

        Beer - hah! a lot of lagers are puny stuff

    4. BrownishMonstr

      Re: Push Notifications?

      Having become a parent, though it feels recent it was a year ago, I have learnt I can get happy seeing my daughter having a shit after days of constipation. A happiness I never knew could fucking exist, but there I was, face full of glee looking at a pile of mustardy, runny shit.

      1. Dr Dan Holdsworth Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: Push Notifications?

        I presume that all this data will be logged somewhere...

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Push Notifications?

        Until the next one arrives which exceeds (a) the capacity of the nappy to contain it so it's now also a slowly permeating coating on the inside of whatever the kid is wearing and (b) the actual physical volume of the kid in question.

        I could have sworn mine had Tardis genes from the amount of poo it could produce in relation to its size when he decided to properly dump core. I'm glad I have worked in chemical industry so ignoring bad smells wasn't too hard a job, my main worry was to keep it all away from a source of combustion while I lugged the whole grubby, near dripping assembly to a bath. That said, I never checked if it maybe found a way to imbibe a portion of shaving foam gel.

        Could explain a lot.

      3. MachDiamond Silver badge

        Re: Push Notifications?

        Thank you so much for sharing. I'll save money on lunch today with that visual.

  2. bpfh Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

    At least by whatever local e-waste charge is tagged on. I don’t envy the recycling company who has to rummage through sh*t to get to the components so it’s good for the environment.

    Also will these nappies be in the kiddies isle or the electronics one?

    1. Teiwaz Silver badge

      Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

      The price is absorbent?

      1. Fungus Bob Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

        Yes, the new, improved Pampers absorb all the money in your bank account!

    2. Commswonk Silver badge

      Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

      At least by whatever local e-waste charge is tagged on. I don’t envy the recycling company who has to rummage through sh*t to get to the components so it’s good for the environment.

      I wonder if they will be covered by the WEEE Regulations...

    3. Muscleguy Silver badge

      Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

      Back in the noughties I mentioned to a new parent co-worker when the subject came up that we used to burn disposable nappies in our potbelly stove back in good old NZ. 'But what about the silica gel?' she asked. In the dozen of so years between ours and hers they had added silica gel so why not a chip?

      Besides this is not aimed at distracted Mums. It's aimed at guilty working mothers who want to know if the au pair or the childcare centre is leaving little Johnny or Johanna in their soiled nappy. The app will tell them with readout proof. The same with the monitoring camera so you can catch Tatyana in the act. Whatever that might be, because you just KNOW she must be trying it on.

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

        Whatever happened to cloth diapers? Rinse out the solids in the toilet, put them in the diaper hamper until there's enough to run through the washer and dryer. Oh wait... those were early recycling items. Not good for the current hipsters who complain about all the trash in the ocean, etc. yet still use such things as plastic straws and cups instead of paper, eat takeaway instead of cooking and running the dishwasher (or doing them by hand) etc.

        Just an observation but babies usually start crying and screaming with the diaper is full.

        1. BebopWeBop Silver badge

          Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

          If the pong does not alert you first (and with three smelly babies I knew all about it)

          1. Roland6 Silver badge

            Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

            >If the pong does not alert you first

            I thought - although memory can be playing tricks - it was the look of concentration, the interesting noises, followed by the satisfied smile, if you missed these then the distinctive aroma would alert.

            1. Martin an gof Silver badge

              Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

              look of concentration, the interesting noises, followed by the satisfied smile

              One of ours - once walking - used to toddle off to a specific corner of the room, do the business, then toddle back to whatever they were doing previously. It wasn't long after that that nappies began to become unnecessary.

              M.

              1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

                Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

                used to toddle off to a specific corner of the room

                Sounds like the cats (and NewDog - who doesn't yet understand the purpose of the cat/dog door and all that green stuff outside).

                We have 3 cat trays round the house - 5 of the 7 cats are perfectly happy yo go outside but the two that don't refuse to share trays. And we have to have one downstairs in case TimidCat has her way back upstairs blocked by EvilCat..

                The perils of multi-cat households. At least the dogs help by cleaning up said cat-trays of solids if they get to them before we do..

                There are reasons why I don't lets the pets lick me.

                1. Anonymous Coward
                  Anonymous Coward

                  Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

                  > There are reasons why I don't lets the pets lick me.

                  Shitty after taste?

        2. Tomato42 Silver badge

          Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

          yes, the disposable nappies are horrible for the environment, but if you are on 3h of sleep a day, the last thing you want to deal with is literal shit

        3. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

          as this is a UK site could we please use the correct term, a nappy! ;o)

        4. Martin an gof Silver badge

          Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

          The usual argument against traditional nappies is the energy and water embodied in the cotton that's used to make and launder the things, and the detergent*, but it's just about possible to get away with a dozen nappies for one child**, so long as you keep on top of the washing.

          We found a report (I think it might have been this one (pdf) - though the date is later than I remember) which claimed that for one child the environmental impact was similar between disposable and reusable nappies, but some of the assumptions made - for example that 10% of people iron their nappies - were a bit silly. Since then the UK's electricity mix has changed, so the CO2 output for washing and drying would be different, and of course the embodied energy from manufacture is halved if the nappies are re-used for a second child.

          What the report completely ignores is the environmental impact of the disposal of plastics. Again, reusables probably win here as if you choose the right nappy liner the only plastic involved is the waterproof "plastic pants".

          Yes, it's a faff and yes, you will need a stock of disposables for certain occasions, but it's not impossible.

          M.

          *There's an interesting trade off here between nasty washing powders and simply washing the things at a higher temperature. We used basic "Fairy" powder, not too much, pre-soaking the worst nappies in Napisan, and washed at 90C. Measurements at the plug found that 90C only used something like half a kWh more than washing at 60C (60C kills bugs that survive 40C washing)

          **I think we ended up with two dozen in total over four children, but one half was a lot thinner than the other half and we tended to use just the thicker, fluffier ones. I think we passed those on to someone else once ours were finished with them, while the thinner ones have found second lives as cleaning cloths, dusters etc.

        5. phuzz Silver badge

          Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

          I think every new parent I know has said "oh, we're going to try using cloth nappies, better for environment you know", and absolutely none</em. of them have stuck with it after the first couple of days.

          Also, as far as I can tell, new-borns will start to cry when they've just shit themselves, also before shitting themselves, when they want food, when they've <em>had food, when they want to sleep, when they wake up, and at any other time they feel like it. Hence the usual option of a quick smell test, and then pulling down the back of the nappy to have a look.

          1. FrogsAndChips Silver badge

            Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

            We went through 2 years of cloth nappies with both our kids without any problems. It was helped by the fact that they hardly ever pooed in them (one advantage of early potty-training - as soon as they can sit by themselves), so the most repelling aspect (washing the nappy from poo) was a rare event.

        6. MachDiamond Silver badge

          Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

          "instead of cooking and running the dishwasher"

          The dishwasher is an oddity that it's rather efficient compared to manually washing the dishes. It's also more hygienic since it uses much hotter water than you'd want to plunge your hands in for any length of time.

      2. jmch Silver badge
        WTF?

        Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

        "guilty working mothers who want to know if the au pair or the childcare centre is leaving little Johnny or Johanna in their soiled nappy"

        I'm curious as to how this would work technically. If the tech is inbuilt into every nappy, how would said guilty working mother's phone know which nappy to connect to? It would have to be reconnected to a new nappy every time it's changed, of course THAT would work with the childcare centre! The alternative is some sort of chip that is permanently attached to the baby's bottom?!?!?!?

        1. Sulky

          Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

          Me too (no not that one) I've got twins, how am I supposed to know which one has shit? Smell them? Oh wait, that's what we do already!!

        2. Sulky

          Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

          Ha, I've just watched the video, it is a sensor you attach, just not to their bottom. It goes on the outside of the nappy, I guarantee that wouldn't last 2 minutes with my twins, it would be pulled off and straight in a mouth! What a load of shite that is!

        3. MachDiamond Silver badge

          Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

          "I'm curious as to how this would work technically."

          There would be a QR code or similar on the box that you'd scan. Once scanned, all of the nappies are Registered ;)

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

        > It's aimed at guilty working mothers who want to know if the au pair or the childcare centre is leaving little Johnny or Johanna in their soiled nappy.

        Sounds suitable for aged-care homes then too.

    4. AceRimmer1980

      Re: Cleanup in aisle

      Number two.

    5. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: So the already exorbitant price of pampers go up...

      kiddies isle

      Presumably just off the coast of Australia..

      (Also known as the Island of Misfit Toys)

  3. Louis Schreurs
    Coat

    Shitty reporting.

    Hmmpf.

  4. Teiwaz Silver badge

    Why stop there?

    Bring out an adult version so phone obsessed phone zombies can be notified conveniently when they've shit themselves.

    1. Eddy Ito Silver badge

      Re: Why stop there?

      Oh no, people's phone ringing in the next cube is bad enough already, I really don't need to hear the 'anal leakage' alarms.

      Dear [deity] can tampons, pads and jocks be far behind?

      1. Teiwaz Silver badge

        Re: Why stop there?

        Oh no, people's phone ringing in the next cube is bad enough already

        It might provide a much needed boost/resurgence in the novelty ringtone market.

        1. Dave K Silver badge

          Re: Why stop there?

          ...or a new usage for the poo emoji...

      2. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

        Re: Why stop there?

        "Anal leakage". Another term for Faecebook?

      3. MachDiamond Silver badge

        Re: Why stop there?

        The word is "seepage". A common side effect of most medications (according to the required disclosure although I'm starting to think that people with "valve" issues are more likely to volunteer for clinical trials).

  5. cat_mara
    Coat

    A container of barely-contained reeking effluvia, designed for infants?

    If nothing else, Pampers have given us today's Most Apposite Metaphor For The 2019 Internet.

    Mine's the biohazard suit...

  6. Marketing Hack Silver badge
    Holmes

    IoT Pampers....

    When proper parenting is literally your "number 2" priority, and the only person in your parent-child relationship that gives a shit is your infant.

    (Icon speaks for itself.)

  7. revenant Silver badge
    Unhappy

    Oh Man, this is nuts

    If you aren't close enough to smell the baby crap, then you're not likely to be near enough to do anything about it. And if you're that far away that an app is needed to tell you what's up, who exactly is looking after the little bugger?

    1. J. Cook Silver badge

      Re: Oh Man, this is nuts

      "And if you're that far away that an app is needed to tell you what's up, who exactly is looking after the little bugger?"

      Whoever has hacked the camera, obviously.

    2. Sandtitz Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Oh Man, this is nuts

      "If you aren't close enough to smell the baby crap, then you're not likely to be near enough to do anything about it."

      The kid might be sleeping in a pram outside, or inside when the parent is outside. Or upstairs or in the west wing or otherwise nearby.

      "And if you're that far away that an app is needed to tell you what's up, who exactly is looking after the little bugger?"

      A kid napping does not need constant looking after. Baby Monitor is an old invention, but so far they haven't conveyed the aromatic compounds.

      I didn't feel the need for electric diapers when my kids were infants, but there were times when the output tray was full and the baby resumed production. Nobody likes overflow errors.

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Re: Oh Man, this is nuts

        Nobody likes overflow errors.

        Well.. crap happens.

        1. Ian Emery Silver badge
          Mushroom

          Re: Oh Man, this is nuts

          I had to deal with one - parents were high IQ types working in UK defence industry.

          They decided curried baked beans would be an excellent breakfast for their 18 m/o (with digestive tract issues).

          The stuff was coming out the NECK of his romper suit.

      2. Christoph Silver badge

        Re: Oh Man, this is nuts

        Nobody likes overflow errors

        Sometimes the shit hits the app

  8. Carma

    When the nappy sends info to the phone, would it be a data dump?

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Sent over httpee

      1. spold Bronze badge

        And it logs I.Pee addresses

  9. martinusher Silver badge

    Misplaced Sensors

    You don't need a sensor in the diaper (nappy), just one in the vicinity of the child, something like an electronic nose.

    Historically the sensor system used is aural. Infants tend to make a lot of noise when they're unhappy -- one of the surprises from being a new parent is seeing how something that tiny can make such a racket. If you want to get super-sophisticated then you might be able to program a voice assistant to recognize the signs.

    1. Roland6 Silver badge

      Re: Misplaced Sensors

      > If you want to get super-sophisticated then you might be able to program a voice assistant to recognize the signs.

      Looks like you've got an Alexa et al app there. OTT mothers can set it running to remind 'dad' to change/feed infant.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    People posting shit to the internet get younger and younger these days.

  11. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge
    Childcatcher

    Tin foil pants

    The placement of that device would make me very uneasy, especially considering that it's enormous and a beta-quality design.

  12. EVP

    I’d suggest ’core dump’, no?

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    No WiFi needed

    Just a pissbutton

  14. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

    Shite

    Is this what Windows 10 was made for?

    1. Teiwaz Silver badge

      Re: Shite Is this what Windows 10 was made for?

      Well, Windows 8 did look like play blocks....

  15. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge
    Alert

    Taking the piss...

    Now I know twitter used to be the place to inform people of bowl movements but to have an actual app to report someone else's to you is just... Such a shitty idea.

    Somebodies definitely got their head up their arse.

    That and I highly doubt it'd be any help during a poonarmi.

    This just smells like a bad idea.

    On the plus side its been 2+ years since I had any call for such a thing (thankfully).

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Taking the piss...

      Which is worse? A poonami or a poosplosion?

    2. mad_dr
      Joke

      Re: Taking the piss...

      Assuming you stopped wearing nappies when you were around three years old, that would make you 5 now. I must say I'm impressed at your typing abilities. Kudos.

  16. Mike 16 Silver badge

    Request: Can they add temperature sensors?

    To _possibly_ alert parents when junior has been locked in that sunny car for over 30 minutes while they "dashed in" to Starbucks.

    Further: Will Pampers sell the logs (data, not _that_) to a "child" that has become 18 or so, for use as evidence in the settlement phase of the child/parent "divorce"?

    1. Christoph Silver badge

      Re: Request: Can they add temperature sensors?

      Don't worry, the doting parents will already have excitedly posted all the details to the net. Including the baby's name. So when the baby has become 18 or so all their colleagues and partners will be able to find that information.

  17. DougS Silver badge

    Sleep reporting for infants?

    So it is another thing for parents to worry needlessly about, and ask their doctor for recommendations about and get angry when their doctor can't provide any help beyond "make sure the temperature in the room is right" and such fluff.

    1. Timo

      Re: Sleep reporting for infants?

      When we had our kids, a buddy that already had 4 in grade school saw our new baby monitor and said "best way to get the kids to sleep through the night is to shit that thing off". His point being that you shouldn't run in for every little squeak they make. Everyone will sleep better.

      1. hplasm Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Sleep reporting for infants?

        "...shit that thing off"

        Begone, foul electro-nappy!

      2. MachDiamond Silver badge

        Re: Sleep reporting for infants?

        The other thing is to NOT insist on quiet while the kid is napping. If they're used to normal house noises, your normal routine isn't going to wake them up. Kids sleep when they're sleepy and wake up when they're not.

  18. Donn Bly

    As much as it is taking things too far

    Not that I would buy it, but I can actually see a legitimate use for this technology in nursing homes, hospitals, day care facilities, etc. I know that there were times that I had to pick my child up from daycare and found their bottom irritated because the daycare workers left them sitting in a soiled diaper for too long, and I could see a market for a product or system that would do monitoring to ensure that the workers were changing the diapers when they should.

    None of us wants to leave our children in the hands of a stranger, but it is a fact of life that at least some of us have to work. I see this more for the parent who ISN'T there than for the individual providing care at that moment.

  19. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    WTF?

    Nappy changers in school...

    Children are being sent to primary school wearing nappies because parents "cannot be bothered" to toilet train them, a community nurse claims.

    https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-gloucestershire-44068217

    https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-47867342

    1. Benson's Cycle

      Re: Nappy changers in school...

      I am afraid I know this to be a fact. It isn't only "cannot be bothered"; it is also the parents who think that their little princesses must never be pushed into doing anything because that will straitjacket their future creativity. And what are primary teachers for anyway?

      Of course it all changes when the school indicates that perhaps they won't get into Oxford and suddenly Extremely Pushy Mum emerges from the woodwork.

      1. Kubla Cant Silver badge

        Re: Nappy changers in school...

        Of course it all changes when the school indicates that perhaps they won't get into Oxford...

        Does the current Oxford Entrance Examination include a test of anal retention capability?

        1. Benson's Cycle

          Re: Nappy changers in school...

          On the evidence of our next Prime Minister {spit}, it certainly doesn't test for factual retention or oral continence.

          However, your understanding of my post seems to have fallen at the hurdle of the paragraph separator which indicates a change of context.

          In my day we had to pass Latin or Use of English to do the entrance exams, mutter mutter.

        2. MachDiamond Silver badge

          Re: Nappy changers in school...

          "I'm curious as to how this would work technically."

          Yes, extremely so. To the point where it comes out the other end.

      2. FrogsAndChips Silver badge

        Re: Nappy changers in school...

        what are primary teachers for anyway?

        Seriously? Do you think that's the best use of their time with our kids?

        1. Benson's Cycle

          Re: Nappy changers in school...

          I do not think you understood my post.

          1. FrogsAndChips Silver badge

            Re: Nappy changers in school...

            After your comment, I think I do now, but it wasn't obvious at first reading...

    2. Martin an gof Silver badge

      Re: Nappy changers in school...

      There have always been some children who are "behind", but this sort of thing is now affecting "normal" children too, and it's not just toilet training, it's things as basic as drinking from a cup and holding a conversation. (Sorry about the first link, by the way, clickbait, third-party JS and cookie hell)

      A few years ago my children's primary school sent a letter home advising parents how to help their children learn conversation skills. One of the suggestions was to hold mealtimes together - everyone sat around the table at the same time with the TV turned off and mobile devices banished. Simple basic parenting methinks, something we've always done and we very rarely have any trouble starting conversations at the dinner table.

      After that letter though, if there ever is a lull in the chatter at the table, someone will pipe up with, "so, who do you think is going to win The Voice this year?", which was one of the conversation-starters suggested in the school's letter. Bit pointless as we've never watched that programme...

      M.

  20. SNAFUology
    Thumb Down

    A double edged diaper.

    I'll halfheartedly look forward to the airwaves filling with dirty diapers to catch hackers attempting to access more important systems, it will mean more useless targets to nose into before they discover there's no value in it, but not at my internet being muscled offline by a bag of crap happening. Within the area I live in there are many flats/units and the number of infants is often high, not a good situation as the channels for WiFi cannot support them now.

    The thought of the internet or WiFi filling with pointless devices to do a job that a nose couldn't sniff out or hand could not weigh up is just too much crap to bare.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: A double edged diaper.

      Doesn't work that way mate.

  21. Ashentaine

    So, anyone care to place a bet on when the inevitable security breach and follow-up apology will happen? I mean, these are literal throwaway devices so I can't imagine they have any form of useful protection compared to even normal IoTrash.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      What kind of breach do you even think is likely? Go on. Entertain us. If you can...

      1. FrogsAndChips Silver badge

        You connect a device, most certainly insecure as IoT history has already proven, to your home network. What could possibly go wrong?

      2. the Jim bloke Silver badge

        Obvious answer is obvious.

        Nodes in a botty-net

  22. David 132 Silver badge
    Unhappy

    I am disappointed.

    An entire article about smart nappies, and the author missed the opportunity to use the term "motion sensing technology"?

    I shall cancel my subscription forthwith.

    Signed,

    Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells.

  23. Allan George Dyer Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    Five Senses

    "You can now buy products that help you monitor and track your baby every second of the day when all we had previously were ears and eyes."

    And nose,

    Ewww... and touch!

    No, NO, NOOOO!! Not...

  24. Neil Barnes Silver badge

    Sometimes I wonder...

    How on earth did our pre-IoT ancestors survive long enough to produce us? Without all the 'help' available in this enlightened age, surely everyone just died before they got old enough to breed?

    1. Martin an gof Silver badge

      Re: Sometimes I wonder...

      surely everyone just died before they got old enough to breed?

      Well, many of them did. The death rate for children under 5 years in Victorian Britain was somewhere around 40%. Sorry about the Wikipedia link, it was the clearest one I could find. Everything was either unsourced or in very heavy academic papers.

      But the decline - assuming that graph is correct - started around the turn of the 20th century and has continued at a fairly constant rate since.

      M.

      1. Kiwi Silver badge
        Holmes

        Re: Sometimes I wonder...

        But the decline - assuming that graph is correct - started around the turn of the 20th century and has continued at a fairly constant rate since.

        I'd suggest the biggest thing for that is better water handling - better overall hygiene, better handling of sewerage, and of course relatively clean drinking/washing water. Better food probably helps a lot :)

        Advances in medicine go a long way, but clean and readily available water (esp hot water) makes one hell of a difference.

  25. Steve Button

    "...all we had previously were ears and eyes."

    Let's not forget about noses, we have noses too.

    1. hplasm Silver badge
      Meh

      Re: "...all we had previously were ears and eyes."

      "Let's not forget about noses, we have noses too."

      I have noses, one, thank you very much, you oddity...

  26. Chris G Silver badge

    Where does the data go

    Will these switched on and connected parents and babies be sharing real time data with Pampers?

    If so then they are paying for valuable market research that Pampers will benefit from, not only that but will Pampers be selling on that info to others?

    Something smells here.

    1. Pascal Monett Silver badge

      Re: Where does the data go

      Well there's an app, isn't there ? You can be sure the app is not just there to display notifications and show nice charts. It's going to need access to your GPS, your contacts, your camera, your storage and your WiFi password as well. Which will be stored on Pamper's AWS storage bucket (which just might not have default password access).

      For your security, of course.

      1. hplasm Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Where does the data go

        "Pamper's AWS storage bucket"

        Amazing what you can put into the cloud these days!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Where does the data go

      What about the GDPR angle... I'm pretty sure the 'users' are not old enough to give their consent

  27. Dacarlo

    diapers?

    Let's use proper language and diction here. None of this nonsense "American English".

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: diapers?

      none of this MOM shite either it mum, or mother or old dear

      1. imanidiot Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: diapers?

        The old bat? Crazy old coot?

  28. arctic_haze Silver badge

    Isn't it also rocket science technology?

    I'm pretty sure the Apollo era astronauts had something similar. They had a zillion medical sensors on them.

    1. hplasm Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Isn't it also rocket science technology?

      "They had a zillion medical sensors on them."

      One large toggle switch. connected to a light that said "Helmets on,..."

  29. mrdalliard
    Pint

    I'm sorry, I'm still laughing at "crotch goblin's defecation".

    Well done, everyone.

  30. MJI Silver badge

    Will it take lots of hot washes?

    This is what we did with nappies, chuck them in a bucket, when full wash them.

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    facebook sharing

    FREE!!! BONUS!!!

  32. boltar Silver badge

    More electronic landfill waste

    Aside from them being a substitute for poor parenting, every time one of these nappies gets binned a load of e-waste as well as actual waste goes with it. I'm honestly struggling to think how Procter and Gamble can justify these on any level other than "it'll make us more money from suckers". The really should be ashamed of themselves.

    1. FrogsAndChips Silver badge

      Re: More electronic landfill waste

      According to a poster who dared to watch the video, it uses a standalone sensor that you place in a traditional nappy.

  33. Christopher Rogers
    Trollface

    I get the impression the author does not like this product.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Pampers are rubbish...

      Never fitted right. Leaks everywhere. And this development is nothing new. Even 25 years ago my child wearing Pampers used to regularly dump stuff on my laptop.

      1. hplasm Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: Pampers are rubbish...

        "Even 25 years ago my child wearing Pampers used to regularly dump stuff on my laptop."

        Sensors are much smaller now. I'm surprised your youngling ever managed to walk, hauling a 25yrs ago massive laptop in their nappy!

  34. The Mole

    Source of cheap parts

    On the positive I'm looking forward to find out what the actual chips and sensors are and whether they can be re-purposed for more beneficial uses? Though I might stick to the unused ones...

    1. hplasm Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Source of cheap parts

      "Though I might stick to the unused ones..."

      Certainly to the used ones...

  35. Stew282

    It's just a way to start tracking your personal data as young as possible.

    Let's be serious, this has nothing to do with parenting. Pampers gets your and your parents full name, DOB, address etc. This is valuable information to sell to baby food, clothing, toy companies and then children's stuff marketeers and so on throughout your life - your first bank account, your social media and virtually everything else that the parents of a child and a growing person can be targeted with.

  36. Tony Jarvie

    A useful thing?

    Well, not wanting to detract from all the witty comments above but is it the case of right technology, wrong application?

    Rather than trying to get a report of the effectiveness of the baby's sleep - which I'm sure is self-evident to any parent - isn't it better to use the technology in conjunction with push alerts to combat real problems like cot death? If these sensors can be used to monitor the baby and alert the parent to events such as stopping breathing, a slowing of the breathing (since the earlier something wrong is noticed, the better), etc. then that's how it should be getting used.

    It seems to me that this would be a far better way of using sensors attached to a baby than to be alerted to it pooing.

    1. Martin an gof Silver badge

      Re: A useful thing?

      isn't it better to use the technology in conjunction with push alerts to combat real problems like cot death

      You can already get that sort of thing though their usefulness is debateable(from 1997).

      Strangely enough, the NHS advice on reducing the risk of SIDS fails to mention baby monitors at all. I wonder why?

      M.

      1. MachDiamond Silver badge

        Re: A useful thing?

        "Strangely enough, the NHS advice on reducing the risk of SIDS fails to mention baby monitors at all. I wonder why?

        "

        Because not everybody would be able to afford them and mentioning them would impact the feelings of self-worth of those in a lower income bracket. Please keep up. We all have to think more "inclusively" and be sensitive to other's feelings.

        1. Martin an gof Silver badge

          Re: A useful thing?

          A basic baby monitor is quite cheap and in fact we were given or offered a couple of second-hand sets when our first was born. We found them quite useless for a variety of reasons I can't be bothered to go into now.

          Maybe I should have included a /s tag. I was suggesting could it actually be that baby monitors have a relatively small effect on the risks of cot death and that there are simpler, cheaper and more effective things that can be done? Remember the massive difference that reversing the advice to lay babies on their fronts made?

          M.

  37. spold Bronze badge

    Practically....

    Where do you put the batteries?

  38. heyrick Silver badge

    Brilliant putdown of a really shitty idea

    (subject says it all)

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Then there's "VivaActive"....an opportunity to track adult incontinence....

    .....likely much more disgusting than Pampers...if that's even possible!!!

  40. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    The next you'll know...

    Someone will write a Wireshark packet dissector for this.

    1. MachDiamond Silver badge

      Re: The next you'll know...

      There's already a Metasploit module.

  41. earl grey Silver badge
    Facepalm

    talented sprog

    Somehow my three managed to not just fill the nappy, but to near overflow back to front. I had enough of that shit.

  42. Conundrum1885 Bronze badge

    There's a

    Crapp for that.

    (gets coat)

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Train them that when alone, all they need to do is shit and someone will come running... What could go wrong?

  44. tea junkie

    I can actually think of a use for this.

    Seriously, pet training.

    I'm out out of the house 11 hours a day, so being able to put down a puppy pad in the corner, and have a treat dispenser automagically give the pet (kittens, puppies, ferrets, and I bet theres more) a tasty reward would be amazing. It would greatly simply the whole business, thats for sure.

  45. sallyedgar

    There is some merit, but modification will likely be needed

    It’s a fascinating dilemma. More data about the health of your child should be a no brainer - but the instant alert element will undoubtedly be misused by some as the article points out. I think this is like all things disruptive - lessons will be learned as adoption grows and hopefully those lessons will provide the basis of improving the product. From this initial scan of the pros and cons, I could see that the major benefit is that the long term stats would be useful to share with your GP midwife or health visitor - especially if your child is ill. The biggest risk is that parents will use it to salve their conscience, instead of actually interacting with their child like a normal parent. If the former outweighs the latter then how the product is used should inform the next release of features. I think perhaps the number or type of alerts could be limited if no actual child interaction takes place when the two devices are in the same vicinity. There will be many options I guess that will come from the initial usage results, as long as the people who developed the product thought through the benefits to the customer as the primary focus. The customer in this scenario is the baby not the parent!

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