back to article Blackburn ain't big enough for the both of us: Mr Creamy and Mr Whippy at the centre of new ice-cream war

Behold, the Great British summer. Lawnmowers, jet engines and the faint tinkling of "Yankee Doodle" on the breeze. Drugs? Frozen treats? Either way, the pitter-patter of tiny feet follows. A shadow hangs over the UK's ice-cream van industry. In the east end of Glasgow, Scotland, during the '80s, peddlers had a notorious side …

  1. Chris G Silver badge

    Things are getting heated

    They should find some way to cool things down.

    1. magickmark
      Trollface

      Re: Things are getting heated

      Icy what you did there!

      1. Captain Hogwash Silver badge

        Re: Things are getting heated

        That's no wafer carrying on.

        1. This post has been deleted by a moderator

        2. TRT Silver badge

          Re: Things are getting heated

          They should put them a wafer a long time.

    2. Rameses Niblick the Third Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble? Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Things are getting heated

      They should find some way to cool things down.

      Yes before one of them gets creamed and the whole thing comes to a sticky end! After all, as the saying goes, there's no use crying over spilled milk, frozen or otherwise!

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: Things are getting heated

        When one of them had their back put up against the Walls, they weren't going to take it Lyons down.

        1. Marketing Hack Silver badge
          Go

          Re: Things are getting heated

          Everyone knows that an ice cream man's life is intense, and it is a rocky road to success in that business.

          1. TRT Silver badge

            Re: Things are getting heated

            I wonder if ice cream vendors suffer from a split personality?

            1. Ken Shabby Bronze badge
              Holmes

              Re: Things are getting heated

              Neoeplitan complex with a touch of Breyers remorse.

            2. Chris G Silver badge

              Re: Things are getting heated

              "I wonder if ice cream vendors suffer from a split personality?"

              Yeah! and some of them are a bit flaky.

              1. TRT Silver badge

                Re: Things are getting heated

                I wonder what the fine is for speeding in an ice cream van? Probably hundreds and thousands.

  2. AIBailey Silver badge

    Stuck in the middle with you

    Mr Whippy, Mr Creamy and Mr Yummy? Is this some kind of council estate remake of Reservoir Dogs?

    I'm just waiting for the scene where they argue over who's Mr Sprinkles.

    1. ibmalone Silver badge

      Re: Stuck in the middle with you

      No way, no way. Tried it once, doesn't work. You got four guys all fighting over who's gonna be Mr. Sprinkles, but they don't know each other, so nobody wants to back down. No way. I pick. You're Mr. Creamy. Be thankful you're not Mr. Yellow Snow.

      1. Marketing Hack Silver badge

        Re: Stuck in the middle with you

        Just as long as I can be Mr. Parfait.

  3. bluefin333
    Go

    What a pair of Screwballs...

    As above...

  4. ibmalone Silver badge

    They've got...

    99 problems and the pitch is one.

    Still so long as nobody pulls a magnum everything should be cool.

    1. MrMerrymaker Bronze badge

      Re: They've got...

      This article is a Feast for ice cream puns

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: They've got...

        FAB opportunity for punmanship.

    2. mad_dr

      Re: They've got...

      I came here to post these exact two puns but find myself too late to the party. Still - Fab effort by you though. Have an upvote.

      1. commonsense

        Re: They've got...

        Cops shrugged: "We have received a complaint of nuisance,"

        I hope they don't hand out a dra-cone-ian penalty.

  5. DontFeedTheTrolls Silver badge
    Childcatcher

    Ice Cream Wars? I'll give you Ice Cream Wars

    Comfort And Joy

    Well worth a watch

    1. TRT Silver badge

      I was just struggling to bring up from the memory archives the name of the film that's exactly this.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        .... also some of us remember the "Mr Whippy vs Mrs (?Ms/Miss?) Whippy" rivalry in the Ambridge area many (20+) years ago

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      One of my favourite Christmas movies

    3. JimboSmith Silver badge

      You beat me to it that's an epic film https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxGfGZZ2Q7U. From the same stable as the also excellent Local Hero. I used to have the van jingle complete with Hello Folks as my new email alert. Think that's going to become a ringtone shortly.

    4. defiler Silver badge

      Came here to say just that - glad I'm not the only one.

      It's amazing how little traffic there was in Glasgow in 1983... Anyway, looking forward to the morning show with Dicky Bird.

      1. STOP_FORTH

        Film and TV crews often film very early in the morning during the summer when in towns and cities. This keeps traffic to a minimum and you don't have to cope with memblics wandering around. You might notice long shadows as a giveaway, I haven't seen this film in a long time, so I don't know if they are obvious.

        If you look at the old Monty Python film sketches there is no traffic on those, I would guess they are filmed very early as well. The odd thing, though, is there are no cars parked on every available inch of kerb. It looks quite odd because London doesn't look like that today. (Mind you we were too poor to 'ave cars in the Seventies.)

        And cue the Four Yorkshiremen again.

        1. OssianScotland Bronze badge

          Poor? You were lucky.... we could only dream of being poor....

  6. TRT Silver badge

    So they have to keep 100 yards apart? Mark out the distance using cones.

    Anyway, it's good that they removed the sound from the chase video. I don't think I could have taken the mixing of "Greensleeves" and "Popeye The Sailor Man" at 30mph with all the Doppler effects and so on... that would definitely have pushed me over the edge.

    1. Esme

      Some b'stard round 'ere started using "Jingle Bells" this year. Groan. It's bad enough having to put up with cack music around Cringlemas without getting some of the same "music" all the way through summer as well!

  7. MrMerrymaker Bronze badge

    Why are they all Misters

    I want to buy off Mx. Sweet!

    1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

      Re: Why are they all Misters

      Ice cream selling with "extras" in Glasgow

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdAGgUNyvyw

      1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

        Re: Why are they all Misters

        To be fair it wasn't just Glasgow. And any cash-only business is a great way to launder money.

        1. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

          Re: Why are they all Misters

          I haven't the foggiest...

        2. STOP_FORTH

          Re: Why are they all Misters

          Hotdog stands and newspaper sellers in that there London. I was always a bit suspicious of the roast chestnut vendors as well, no way that's a viable business.

        3. phuzz Silver badge

          Re: Why are they all Misters

          I heard in Leeds that they'd play one tune when they were selling ice cream, and a different one when they were selling drugs.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Stop me and buy one

    I'd like 2 99's, a plain magnum and a screwball ... oh and a bag of picked onion monster munch!

  9. Blake St. Claire
    Joke

    30 mph?

    100 yards apart?

    If I didn't know better I mighta thunk you were talking about America.

    I thought you all were metrificated. Or metrified. Or something like that.

    And nothing measured in units of London double decker buses either? What is the world coming to?

    1. cream wobbly

      Re: 30 mph?

      Thing is, they don't use English measures en angleterre, they use Imperial. Americans use English units. This is why Americans have pint sized gallons, although interestingly a floz is near enough that baking recipes don't care. Both use the French billion - although they were exported at different points in history so they're off by a millionth of a milliard.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Makes perfect sense, Mr Creamy does usually come after Mr Whippy.

    1. Paul Crawford Silver badge
      Gimp

      Personally I prefer Ms. Whippy, but it takes all sorts. Liquorish usually...

  11. hardboiledphil

    Can't believe nobody has brought up Peter Kay's The Icecream Man Cometh - https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0720300/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_29

    It's even based in the same county.

    Includes the best line ever - "Crunchies, Crunchies, how'm I supposed to make 99's with f**king Crunchies" (might need translation for non-UK readers)

  12. STOP_FORTH
    Unhappy

    See you see me?

    I have been told that some ice-cream vans in Glasgow still sell "additional items". A few of them do not even make a pretence of selling ice-cream and will send potential purchasers away with a flea in their ear.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: See you see me?

      'I have been told that some ice-cream vans in Glasgow still sell "additional items"...'

      Can't comment on Glasgow, but here in the town of the Psycho Swan, while it isn't as bad as it once was, it is still not uncommon, in the dark, cold depths of midwinter, to hear the dulcet chimes announcing the unseasonable presence of one of these purveyors of the finest comestibles somewhere on the scheme (these days, there's only one van brave enough to chance it, either that or it's 'protected', I'll leave that for you to figure out).

      In the summer, you'd expect it to show up when the sun is splitting the sky, but no, when it does appear, just as it does so in the winter, it's always after dark.

      It'll usually park up in an obscure(ish) spot, well away from where you'd normally expect it to park for maximum 'footfall custom', but, happily, a spot with a good view of the only road in to our bit of the scheme...a couple of shufflers will appear, buy whatever, shuffle off, and the van will once again disappear into the night...

      You never see any children go to it.

  13. GreggS

    I screamed when i read this.

    just think of all the customers they'd both miss out on. Hundreds & thousands.

  14. Chozo
    Joke

    Never having strawberry sauce again

    https://youtu.be/jvI2WCmjuOk

  15. davenewman
    Go

    The fastest milk cart in the north

    Is one of the called Ernie?

    1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
      Boffin

      Re: The fastest milk cart in the north

      Was he driving a Mini Milk....I mean Moke

      (Thanks I was a little stuck on how to squeeze in a Mini MIlk reference in my following post).

      Icon - Fred Scuttles glasses.

  16. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
    Coat

    Mexican Standoff

    Only with Solaro's, Funny Faces & Funny Feet.

    So Mr Creamy Zoomed after Mr Whippy, like a man Mivvi Mission & did a Ice Cream Block.

  17. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge

    Looks like an extortion racket.

    I mean, have you seen the cost of a 99 these days? Need a second mortgage if the wife and kids wants one each...

    So long as it doesn't escalate to magnum and rocket attacks though things should soon cool down again once the weather returns to normal.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Seems like El Reg know someone up Norf.

  19. RegGuy1

    Well I don't know about you...

    ...but ice cream every time I see the videos.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I want

    Someone to post IT angle?

    So I can reply

    Because Ice Cream Sandwich

    But no one has

    I scream

    1. Ken Shabby Bronze badge
      Alien

      Re: I want

      I feel a ripple in the force...

  21. Chris G Silver badge

    Apparently

    Mr Softy can't keep a girlfriend.

  22. Jamie Jones Silver badge

    A perilous talgating..

    I've not witnessed such automobile excitment since the OJ chase!

  23. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Mushroom

    The

    cold war resumes......

  24. Denarius
    Coat

    puzzling

    why are they both not in the cooler ?

  25. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    I'm sure they can both...

    ...make plenty of lolly between them.

  26. applebyJedi

    With thanks to Tommy Cooper

    The found the man in the back of his ice cream van covered in hundreds and thousands.

    Police suspect he topped himself

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: With thanks to Tommy Cooper

      Were his raspberry ripples on display?

  27. AdamWill

    "Meanwhile, relations between Whippy and Creamy remain frosty."

    You just *had* to, didn't you...

  28. Locky Silver badge

    Someone call Tom Selek

    It's time to call in Magnum P.I.

  29. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    Sounds like a good porno movie...

    /walks away nochalantly

  30. MAF

    Return to the Cold War days?

  31. CAPS LOCK Silver badge

    Is it just me, or does any mention of an ice cream van bring to mind...

    ... The KLF?

    Make mine a ninety-nine: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPjggN-KByI

  32. hoola Bronze badge

    Ahh, Mr Whippy

    However you look at it, the ice cream is pretty rubbish but it is the concept, a towering spiral of cold white stuff with a flake in the side (if you can afford it!). Now they do actually taste different and my preference is for Mr Whippy but all of the squirty machines have the advantage that in really hot weather it can be a challenge to eat it before you end up wearing it.

    Add in small children and a passing rainstorm to clean up the resulting mess works wonders.

    "Hold it up or the ice cream will fall off"

    "Eat it before it melts"

    "Why did you have to bite the bottom of the cone off" (every bloody time aged 4)

    "Get that away from me (or stray passers by)"

    "No, you cannot go on the roller coaster with an ice cream"

    And so it goes on, those were the days.

  33. Captain Boing

    you want 99 bastard?

  34. silks

    One of them making too much lolly...

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