back to article Thomas the wank engine: London rail passengers hear pr0n grunts over PA system

Commuters on London's Wandsworth-Clapham service last Friday morning had yet another reason to awkwardly avoid each others' gazes as grunts and groans from what sounded like a pornographic film oozed out of the train's Tannoy system. Passenger Paul Brunton did what any self-respecting citizen would and uploaded footage of his …

  1. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    Wanking on a very fine line there...

  2. silks

    Nice headline :)

    1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Nice headline

      Someone's been listening to The Last Leg..

  3. Neil 32
    Pint

    A pint for whoever found that image contributor!

    1. Excellentsword (Written by Reg staff)

      Ha! Just noticed. I was desperately looking for a train entering a tunnel somewhere in London. Sometimes the stars align.

  4. CountZer0
    Coffee/keyboard

    As an honourary Northerner...

    ...I'm sure that same train will be stopping at Wetwang and Penistone soon. That sub-heading takes some beating too.

    1. 's water music Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: As an honourary Northerner...

      ...That sub-heading takes some beating too...

      There's a driver that somewhere that knows how it feels

  5. Velv Silver badge
    Headmaster

    So this is why the Unions are campaigning against single crewed trains...

    At least when there's a driver and a guard they can each claim it was the other.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      but how do you know who is the inspector and the inspected? That's hard to work out.

      1. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

        Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Who wanks the wankers?

          1. MyffyW Silver badge

            Surprising how far a haughty indifference to customer satisfaction and a firm hand on the tiller can get you...

        2. Joefish
          Coat

          re: Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

          trans: "Are you watching that custard?"

    2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      "So this is why the Unions are campaigning against single crewed trains..."

      Coincidently, I was watching a documentary on British Rail last night. What became the Intercity 125 and the APT "tilting train" were both designed for a single driver seated centrally. ASLEF wanted significantly higher drivers wages for those trains and insisted on two drivers so blacklisted them, BR gave in and redesigned the cab for two drivers.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        yep typical of the unions in this country back then. a similar ploy now being done to stop driver only trains. As with everything they play the H&S card, a driver can't possibly look after the doors as well as drive the train despite the fact underground drivers have been doing that for ever!

        It was one of the reasons the ATP was killed off as they couldn't be redesigned to allow two seats like the 125s could. I wonder how long the 125s ran with two drivers?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          And in the future

          We'll see the return of a fireman to the cab of all trains ...

          once Corbyn gets elected and nationalises everything in sight although I really don't know how he's going to pay for it. All those companies debts will become part of the national debt and our credit rating will swiftly go from 'ok' to 'pure junk'.

          That in turn will cost each and everyone of us a shed load of money.

          That's life I suppose.

          1. Mark Dempster

            Re: And in the future

            Re-nationalising trains won't cost a penny. You just wait for the existing contract to end, and don't reissue the tender. It's all in the 2017 manifesto.

            We won't even have to wait that long for some of the contracts; the private operators have a habit of handing them back when they're not making as much money as expected, after all.

      2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        What became the Intercity 125

        I remember the excitement when the first one of these went past our school (in Barnet, right by the main line north).

        It was a more simple time.

  6. adam payne Silver badge

    Now, that honour belongs to South Western Railway, which rubbed rushed out a statement saying: "South Western Railway has a policy of blocking inappropriate material, including pornographic websites, on its onboard and station Wi-Fi services.

    Well if they are blocking pron then only other explanation I can think of is the conductor was having a quickie.

    The picture on the article is wrong though, the train in the picture belongs to East Midlands Trains.

    1. JulieM Silver badge

      ..... And it's also on a line that was electrified post-war (25kV AC overhead).

      South West Trains (who lost the franchise for their region to the confusingly-similarly-named South Western Railway) used to have similar livery to East Midlands Trains.

      1. Simon Harris Silver badge
        Unhappy

        ... similarly-named but not similar enough.

        Before SWT went to SWR, for annual season ticket holders SWT used to send out a set of 6 tickets each year, each of which could be used for one free day's travel at weekends (including off-peak on fridays) and bank holidays, which could be worth up to about £400 of free train journeys a year if you pick the right routes.

        When the franchise went to SWR that nice little perk just disappeared.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The word train is derived from the Latin "trahere" which means "to pull".

    1. Suburban Inmate

      According to google

      That then went on to become train in Middle English meaning "delay".

  8. This post has been deleted by its author

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You can't beat riding the monorail.

    1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

      That's more of a Shelbyville idea.

    2. Message From A Self-Destructing Turnip

      Nor ride beating the monorail.

  10. K Silver badge

    Open wide....

    Here cums the choo choo ..... Driver!

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Open wide....

      Lady Passenger: Would you like a screwdriver?

      Driver: No thanks, I'm busy cleaning the piston.

  11. lee harvey osmond

    ‘Mind the fap’?

    Mind ... the clap

    Mind ... the clap

    Mind ... the clap

    Stand clear of the whores please!

    1. SGWilko

      Re: ‘Mind the fap’?

      Thank you very crutch

      Merry Syphilis & a Happy Gonorrhea

  12. johnfbw

    Train Strike - next week

    RMT has called a train strike next week to reinstate the fired driver and to demand installing full screen TVs on all trains to make sure drivers don't get bored (and a payrise as well)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Train Strike - next week

      Unions bad, uncontrolled capitalism good, got it. What happens when wages are so low you have to use food banks just to feed your family because rent is taking all your money?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Train Strike - next week

        Unions generally a good thing

        Capitalism also generally a good thing, we would never have trains without it.

        Down vote for having had your sense of humour circuits disabled

        PS, no it wasn't my posting in the first place.

        1. Martin an gof Silver badge

          Re: Train Strike - next week

          Capitalism also generally a good thing, we would never have trains without it

          Something I've never heard properly discussed is the fact that just about every train company - and particularly the early ones which actually built the lines and the stations and the engines - went bust, losing a whole bunch of capitalists a whole bunch of money. Vast amounts of venture capital just vanished and assets were snapped up by other companies.

          At least most of the money was private money I suppose.

          Eventually, of course, with the mergers and the groupings it all led to nationalisation where, once again, the debts were effectively written off.

          So yes, capitalism brought us the railways and arguably they wouldn't have happened (or wouldn't have happened in quite the same way) if being done by government, but it seems to me that capitalism brought us railways in an incredibly fiscally inefficient manner, leaving aside all the shenanigans with two or three railway companies trying to serve the same markets, leading to two or three separate lines travelling essentially the same routes.

          M.

          1. Snowy Silver badge

            Re: Train Strike - next week

            Now the trains get more government money than it did when it was state own.

            1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

              Re: Train Strike - next week

              "Now the trains get more government money than it did when it was state own."

              Much of the train service is still state owned. The German, Dutch and French state owned/backed rail companies have many of the UK rail franchises. All that UK government funding to make sure the franchise holders make a profit and it's going to European treasuries (even after Brexit!!)

              1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

                Re: Train Strike - next week

                Why the downvotes? Does it not fit with your world view or something?

                Abelio - Owned by the Dutch national rail operator

                West Midlands Trains - Abellio

                Greater Anglia - 60% owned by Abellio

                Stanstead Express - 60% owned by Abellio

                MerseyRail - Abellio and Nederlandse Spoorwegen (both Dutch Govt owned) + Serco.

                c2c - Owned by an Italian Govt owned rail operator.

                Arriva - Deutsche Bahn (private company with one share holder, the German Govt.)

                Chiltern Trains - Owned by Arriva

                CrossCountry - Owned by Arriva

                Northern - Owned by Arriva

                Great North Western Railway - Arriva (due to start operation in Sept'19)

                SouthEastern - Owned by Govia->Keolis->SNCF (French Govt), jointly with Go Ahead

                Transport for Wales - Keolis (SNCF) and Amey.

                That's a pretty large chunk of the UK rail services owned by European governments.

                1. Martin an gof Silver badge

                  Re: Train Strike - next week

                  That's a pretty large chunk of the UK rail services owned by European governments

                  Although, in the case of Transport for Wales, I believe it isn't actually ownership, which rests with TfW, it's more of a lease. Granted, it still means quite a lot of money leaves these shores, but at least the hard assets remain here.

                  TfW has quite an ambitious regeneration plan. About time too. At the moment we're still relying on Pacers and Sprinters.

              2. TheMeerkat

                Re: Train Strike - next week

                Germany spends much more tax payer’s money per passenger per mile.

                1. The First Dave

                  Re: Train Strike - next week

                  Germanys train system is also much better... I wonder if there is any connection?

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Train Strike - next week

            And while there was certainly a lot of "railway mania" in the UK (the whole bizarre history of the Aldwych tube "branch" being just one small quirky microcosm of this), in some other countries it was soon seen as sensible for the railways to be managed and developed by the state.

          3. Tim Almond

            Re: Train Strike - next week

            Very much true.

            The real money to be made from railways is the land around stations which rises astronomically in price. You can see the same effect with line improvements. If you reduce the time for a commute, the house prices near a station rise in price.

          4. paulf Silver badge
            Gimp

            Re: Train Strike - next week

            @Martin An Gof, "Eventually, of course, with the mergers and the groupings it all led to nationalisation where, once again, the debts were effectively written off."

            Not strictly true. Nationalisation was funded by swapping shares in the post 1921 grouping Big Four companies (GWR/LNER/LMS/SR) with government issued debt but the British Transport commission (BTC) was obliged to pay a pretty high interest rate dividend (I don't have the rate to hand) on that debt which hammered their finances and in part led to the closures of the 1950s (closures started in earnest long before Beeching).

            Also during WW2 the railways were run as a single organisation under a joint committee (pseudo-nationalisation) but still charged for all traffic carried. The network was hammered by the high volume of traffic, especially government/MOD traffic, during the war while the lack of labour and resources meant the infrastructure couldn't be maintained for all that extra traffic. They did have the foresight to build up reserves from all this war time revenue with the intention to repair the network when the war ended, but on nationalisation all that money just vanished into HM Treasury rather than being spent on the network which was left in its dilapidated war time state. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose!

          5. TimMaher

            Re: Train Strike - next week

            <cynical id=“snark”>

            ‘”They sought it here, they sought it there.

            They threatened its life with a railway share.”

            To slightly misquote “The Hunting of the Snark”.’

            </cynical>

            Let’s just re-nationalise the railways as they are just a utility, like sewage.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Train Strike - next week

          > Capitalism also generally a good thing, we would never have trains without it.

          My point about this was that no state would ever have invented something like this in the first place. Outside of war footings states are appallingly bad at doing anything new.

          1. Martin an gof Silver badge

            Re: Train Strike - next week

            Outside of war footings states are appallingly bad at doing anything new.

            I would counter that things such as universal education, universal healthcare (in the civilised world anyway), employee rights, consumer protection legislation, public water supply and sewerage and probably quite a lot of other "stuff" simply wouldn't have happened in a purely capitalist society. Now you could argue that some of these things aren't necessarily "innovative", but in a broad sense they are definitely more socialist than capitalist and while some early pioneers in the fields weren't "the state", they weren't "the corporation" either, instead being philanthropists, co-operatives, etc.

            M.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Train Strike - next week

              You've entirely missed the my point. The state can and often is the idea way to organise things. A national health service is the only humane way to organise things. My point was that the state would never have invented railways.

              1. Martin an gof Silver badge

                Re: Train Strike - next week

                My point was that the state would never have invented railways

                The state may not have invented them quite as early as "free enterprise" did, but I would contend that once the technology was possible, they would eventually have invented them. The first transport revolution was probably the turnpike toll roads, and as far as I'm aware these were state-sponsored, if not directly state-run.

                One of the driving forces was the need to reduce the travel time between London and (Northern) Ireland for the post, by improving on the existing roads. Leaving aside canals (the magnificent Pontcysyllte Aqueduct notwithstanding), if private companies hadn't got there first, government would eventually have built a railway to Holyhead for the very same reason.

                M.

                1. Anonymous Coward
                  Anonymous Coward

                  Re: Train Strike - next week

                  > The state may not have invented them quite as early as "free enterprise" did, but I would contend that once the technology was possible, they would eventually have invented them.

                  And just where would they have got the technology from?

                  It was the needs of another branch of free enterprise that led to the technology. I really don't think the state would have brought about the building step required. "The State" tends to favour the status quo, introducing steam power pumps adversely impacted those with a vested interest in using animal power for that task. Replacing the existing technology with something new has recently become known as "disruption" and "The State" isn't going to disrupt things*, it upsets too many people at too many levels. If mining were state controlled then they would probably not seen the need for deeper mines, they'd have just moved on to alternative shallow mines. Going deeper was driven by a mine owner only owning that one mine, if they wanted more out of it they needed to go deeper.

                  Your example of turnpikes BTW is another example of organisation and not invention. Roads are an ancient idea. I used to live just by a road that was ancient when the pyramids were built, animals produce tracks and roads are just an evolution of those. Turnpikes weren't new, they were just better organised roads.

                  (*) except where war'ish environments exist. Only then do mavericks manage to drive through radical changes.

            2. Olivier2553 Silver badge

              Re: Train Strike - next week

              I'd add state funded research, that can focus on theory rather than on something that must generate revenue immediately.

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: Train Strike - next week

                States didn't used to fund research, or at least not very much.

                Academic research was usually done by rich buggers who could afford to and were curious or because rich buggers funded it. State funding of university research is quite new.

                By "railway time" increasingly those rich buggers were the industrialist who'd throng to scientific presentations looking for things they could profit from.

                I'm not sure how much its done now, but until fairly recently lots of companies got involved in blue sky research. I used to work in research and while the area I was working in was related to things the company hoped to turn into products in the medium term it wasn't tomorrows products. Another company I worked for had an research organisation who were focussed on much further out technologies.

        3. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Train Strike - next week

          We would have trains without capitalism, we just wouldn't have the clusterfuck that is nearly every city and their disjointed railways.

        4. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: Train Strike - next week

          Unions generally a good thing

          Capitalism also generally a good thing

          And the trick is balancing between the two to gain the benfits of both without too many of the penalties. Something that we are historically bad at - going from the 'unions crippling the county' in the 1970's to 'corporates crippling the country' now.

          If only there was a middle of the road political party! (That was electable)

      2. Mark 65 Silver badge

        Re: Train Strike - next week

        What happens when wages are so low you have to use food banks just to feed your family because rent is taking all your money?

        Doubt it justifies wanking at work

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Train Strike - next week

          > Doubt it justifies wanking at work

          Especially when you're arguing that you need to exist for safety reasons.

        2. Rich 11 Silver badge

          Re: Train Strike - next week

          Doubt it justifies wanking at work

          Probably depends on the workplace and who you're wanking.

      3. teknopaul Bronze badge

        Re: Train Strike - next week

        What happens when your job is so pointless you literally have fuck all else to do at the helm than tug yourself off.

        There should be limits to union madness too.

  13. Chris Jasper

    Well at least they wont have to cutaway to footage of a train entering a tunnel...........

  14. Pascal Monett Silver badge

    Cockfosters

    It just has to be Cockfosters.

    Right ?

    1. The obvious
      Coat

      Re: Cockfosters

      not Babe Station?

    2. Forum McForumface

      Re: Cockfosters

      Nope. Cockfosters is (if anything) a slang term for urine.

      1. VulcanV5

        Re: Cockfosters

        @ Forum MCForumface's "Cockfosters is if anything) a slang term for urine".

        Are you taking the slang term here?

        Because you couldn't be more wrong. If you knew a bit more about pr0n you'd be well aware of the fact that when a male performer is, um, ready to perform, he is said to have got Oakwood.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Sound?

    Porn has sound?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Sound?

      Yes, porn has sound, even more annoyingly so if you don't want to let other people hear what you're watching.

      Example : long boredroom meeting/train/aeroplane/boat/ferry/bus journey, you want to have a quick shufty at some porn clip, but all of a sudden your volume pumps itself up and everybody can hear quite clearly what Jane wants John to do to her [unmentionables]...

      1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

        Re: Sound?

        yep , thats what happened in the article..

        were you the driver?

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Sound?

        Ewww, none of those situations are appropriate places for watching porn! I hope I'm never travelling on a train/bus/etc anywhere near you, second Anonymous Coward!

        (I also knew that there was another good reason that I don't really like shaking hands at meetings, etc.)

        1. cdrcat

          How to avoid shaking hands

          Psych nurses are taught to fist-bump to avoid shaking hands with some of the more virile patients.

      3. Dave K Silver badge

        Re: Sound?

        Indeed, I remember a story a few years ago about the student who went into the lecture hall, sat at the back with their laptop, plugged in a set of headphones and fired up some porn.

        30 second later, the student glanced up and noticed everyone in the room looking at them. It was at this point the student realised they'd plugged their headphones into the mic socket rather than the headphone socket...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Sound?

      Yes, that is until they make silent washing machines or doorbells.

  16. s. pam
    Angel

    The 7:18 service will be coming...

    in a tunnel near you, soon!

  17. JerseyDaveC

    Poor passenger etiquette

    By all means publish things like this to the Internet, but do please take your feet off the seats ...

    1. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

      Re: Poor passenger etiquette

      If all the rules of civil society are going out of the window he might as well rest his feet on the sets.

    2. Khaptain Silver badge

      Re: Poor passenger etiquette

      It's just an optical illusion, you can see his feet jiggle are various moment, which wouldn't happen if they were resting on the seat in front...

      The train driver was also jiggling, but it wasn't his feet....

  18. JeffyPoooh Silver badge
    Pint

    Once upon a time...

    Once upon a time, I was in a bar in Ottawa. There were several TVs hanging from the ceiling, but we were seated behind them and we could only hear the audio. The audio was quite intriguing, with the sound of women breathlessly panting and calling out, "Push! HARDER, HARDER..." On behalf of my group, I wondered over to investigate what was playing on the TVs. I reported back in a loud voice, "It's just Women's Curling !!"

  19. andy 103
    Go

    Don't beat yourself off up about it!

    Could be worse. Imagine if your next door neighbour had a soundbar and subwoofer hooked up to his 'nography wankstation. Imagine that.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Hope it's running Windows NT 4 Wankstation...

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Tube

    I think I'm equally appalled at the fact that the twitterer seemingly can't tell the difference between a tube train and a mainline train.

    (Perhaps they don't have very much experience in comparing the lengths and diameters of long sausage shaped objects...)

    1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

      Re: Tube

      neither can i , which was it?

      and arnt these drivers on about £50k?

      For that much , i could hold off the porn until i got home and concentrate on , oh i dunno , driving the train and looking after the lives of the 100s of passengers.

      1. The obvious

        Re: Tube

        Modern trains largely drive themselves. It's more just a responsibility thing of having a human to deal with the things it can't (and for that human to prove that it has not gone to sleep.)

        1. paulf Silver badge
          Gimp

          Re: Tube

          Trains don't drive themselves as such (except on completely segregated systems - DLR and the LU Victoria line being two prime examples). The Driver is still driving and, especially on DOO services (plus DCO with no Guard present) is singularly responsible for several hundred passengers, especially if there is an emergency.

          One thing I've learned from driving on a heritage railway (Class 37 locos definitely don't drive themselves!): it's [relatively] easy to make the train move. Getting it to stop safely and smoothly in the exact spot on the platform every time is a lot harder!

          So there is traction knowledge (how the traction works and the ability to fix faults that develop when in service while the line controller is screaming at you to get moving because the penalty payments are racking up quickly), route knowledge (speed limits, junctions, signals, controlling signal boxes), rule book knowledge (defines everything with respect to how trains are worked including what to do in an emergency like protecting the line etc) plus the job itself (in many cases lone working, and shift working at unsociable hours, then the trauma having "one under" i.e. seeing someone go splat when they commit suicide). Yes a lot earn £40k+ but it's a bit more than just pushing a button and letting the train drive itself.

          That said, the driver in question - if he was distracted by something like watching pr()n on his phone/tablet while in the cab (never mind actively driving) - is in for some serious disciplinary action. Not paying attention to your driving is inexcusable.

          1. Mr Dogshit

            Re: Tube

            Come on... you just have to sit on your arse and press stop and go. You don't even have to steer the thing.

            1. paulf Silver badge
              Coat

              Re: Tube

              If you think it's just stop and go then get along to your nearest heritage railway, pay for one of their driver experiences and show the instructor driver how it's done! Controlling 300 tons of train is a little more complicated than a 1-2 ton family car.

              Mines the one with the big bag of popcorn (and flask of weak lemon drink natch).

              As for steering - drivers are still expected to observe the road ahead and watch for points that haven't gone over correctly or have failed (think Potters Bar).

      2. N2 Silver badge

        Re: Tube - 50K

        Thats just to turn up.

        Performance related pay, if you can hit the windscreen...

  21. Efer Brick

    Golfs not popular round here

    coff splutter

    1. Teiwaz Silver badge

      Re: Golfs not popular round here

      Strangling animals is an acceptable alternative hobby to 'the all time no. one' (apparently)

      Summarised Proust is possibly more productive.

      Soon, Age verification will be needed in order to hear the driver 'stoke the boiler'

  22. The obvious
    Paris Hilton

    TFL drivers

    ...change at Baker Street.

    (Bootnote: for those outside the London bubble, it is the only station where you can switch from the pink to the brown line.)

    1. Robert D Bank

      Re: TFL drivers

      doesn't the offside rule apply?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: TFL drivers

      Next week’s Mornington Crescent tournament should be very interesting, now that these new rules have, uhh, come into play…

      1. Korev Silver badge

        Re: TFL drivers

        It'd be interesting to see if the lovely Samantha/rippling Sven* make some points about this

        *select according to preference

  23. Semtex451 Silver badge
    Pint

    "The guard can be found in the middle of this 8 coach train"

    No, in the middle of something else.

    Could the author please get to the bottom of this?

    We all want this story to reach its natural climax.

  24. Robert D Bank
    Alert

    not just drivers

    got on to a particularly packed train one day and saw a free seat which I struggled through to sit down, only to find a used scumbag on the seat...class

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Got to respect some fine emoji game from whoever manages tfl's Twitter account.

  26. davews

    "The three-minute journey from Wandsworth Town to Clapham Junction takes place on a stretch of rail laid between 1838 and 1863. It's not known where the passenger embarked and even less clear where the announcer or driver, er, got off but Shepherd's Bush, Cockfosters and Mudchute are all very possible."

    Not content with the chap who posted this claiming it was on a tube train, El Reg now puts more nonsense in its article. The train in question, a series 458 or possibly 707, would be on the Reading, Windsor or Addlestone service (third rail 750V). The line may have been opened in 1838 but I would hope the rail itself was laid much more recently. The driver doesn't normally have access to the public announcement system, the guard does. Yes, he may have done something irregular in his guards van. Much more likely the whole thing has been made up by Mr Brunton to moan about SWR (or was it TFL and he edited the wrong tape?). Shepherds Bush, Cockfosters etc are quite definitely not possible stops on that line. And judging by the few people in the carriage it was hardly filmed on a Friday morning near Clapham Junction, the trains are always jam packed there.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Dude, they're just ribald station names. It's not suggested the same train stops at them. Lighten the fuck up.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      No wonder you work in IT. What are your hobbies - train spotting and fishing?

      1. Stoneshop Silver badge
        Trollface

        train spotting

        Graffiti tends to be more intricate.

  27. This post has been deleted by its author

  28. Ashentaine
    Devil

    >"South Western Railway has a policy of blocking inappropriate material, including pornographic websites, on its onboard and station Wi-Fi services.

    "We are investigating this incident to establish how this material was broadcast on our service.

    A mystery for the ages, indeed. It's a good thing portable electronic devices don't have any kind of built-in storage that would permit videos to be viewed without the need for an Internet connection. Cause if you're really crass enough to be watching porn in public or on the job, you wouldn't want to risk dodgy free wi-fi causing an "interruption" at the wrong moment, now would you?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Or using a phone with mobile data?

  29. JLV Silver badge

    In the interest of safety I am not sure I’d feel happier about the train driver watching Little House on the Prairie. Or The Wire.

  30. spold Bronze badge

    Boring ( ;-) ) - cum along now

    In one of the most boring posts on the board (since it might be vaguely IT related) I would guess an erroneous (maybe?) bluetooth connection from someone's fun on a mobile device to the train audio connection... where no-one bothered to change the default connection pairing code? .... nothing to see here (unfortunately).

  31. bpfh Bronze badge
    Flame

    Photo credits?

    "DJ Cockburn / Shutterstock.com"

    If it burns, your not using enough lube...

  32. Jove Bronze badge

    Evidence

    Reading the headline suggests that the incident was due to a passenger, but there is no evidence for that given in the article.

    1. Semtex451 Silver badge

      Re: Evidence

      "London rail passengers <were> played......"

      Its typical journo headline misuse of the past participle, as in .....

      'audience played noise at music festival', when they mean

      'audience were played noise at music festival'

      or more correctly 'audience suffered noise at music festival' and more accurately

      'Band played challenging music at festival that some in the audience considered to be noise'

      Journo's have free license in Headlines, grammar is never applied, in part, to make us read the article.

      1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge
        Headmaster

        Re: Evidence

        Alanis Morissette levels of irony here.

      2. VulcanV5

        Re: Evidence

        @semtex451: It's not "journo's" (sic) whoever they might be who have "free license in Headlines, grammar is never applied in part, to make us read the article" but Subs (sub-edtors, who are underwater versions of journalists and very often failed reporters or failed English language teachers.) Headlines are written to fit a space in the page design, and may be clever or prosaic. El Reg's are rarely (if ever) the latter.

        On the evidence of your defective pedantry, it would seem you yourself are a failed English language teacher: '"audience played noise at'" music festival" when they mean "audience were (sic) played noise at music festival"' is even more incomprehensible than the average railway platform announcement. Well done!

    2. Excellentsword (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: Evidence

      I changed it just for you guys...

  33. Hey Nonny Nonny Mouse

    How unusual...

    At least Southwestern got something going like a train

  34. Big_Boomer

    Assumptions

    Everyone is assuming he was 'avin' a wank, when he could just as easily have been getting a blowie, or doin' the doggie, etc. You are also assuming it was the driver, when it could have been the conductor, or some weirdo who had broken into the conductors room for a quick wafty crank. Either way, kudos for making half of a train sit up and pay attention.

  35. This post has been deleted by its author

  36. Howard Hanek Bronze badge
    Happy

    Engines Noises?

    Are they coupling male and female locomotives together or are they having gay sex?

  37. spudmasterflex

    Tannoy....

    Is a brand name like hoover, I would expect the Reg to get this correct ffs, public address is the term.

  38. Paul Hovnanian Silver badge

    Today's incident is wholly unacceptable

    Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.

  39. StuntMisanthrope Bronze badge

    A new ticket option...

    Radio Pr0n, please Sir. Naturally the service leaves a lot to be desired. #itsimaginationthatcounts

  40. GruntyMcPugh Silver badge

    Given the driver will probably be sacked,...

    ... it looks like he really was yanking the dead man's handle.

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