back to article Croydon school rolling in toilet roll after Brexit gift deemed unfit for the Queen's Anus Horribilis

A high school in the picturesque London borough of Croydon has been gratefully lumped with a lifetime supply of loo roll after Her Majesty the Queen turned down a donation from a cheeky German company. Some reckon the UK, being a large importer of toilet paper, could be in the shit in more ways than one if it crashes out of …

  1. Blockchain commentard Silver badge

    I would have thought Her Maj would use a bidet.

    1. TeeCee Gold badge
      WTF?

      And you reckon the British monarchy would allow some French contraption near their arses why exactly?

      1. Rameses Niblick the Third Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble? Silver badge

        And you reckon the British monarchy would allow some French contraption near their arses why exactly?

        Yeah, right!

        Doesn't adequately explain why they turned away German bog roll though.

        1. Captain Scarlet Silver badge
          Megaphone

          The Bog Roll wasn't from "Yardley of London" or "J. Floris Ltd" (Source is https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Royal_Warrant_holders_of_the_British_Royal_Family and actually I don't know if either sell the Royals Toilet Rolls)

      2. katrinab Silver badge

        Because she is German with a Greek husband.

    2. wolfetone Silver badge

      I'd have thought she'd use a corgi tbh.

      1. JetSetJim Silver badge
        Paris Hilton

        The corgi's are no more. She does have a couple of dogs left, but they're not pure corgi - they're a mix of dachshund and corgi, which might make for a better fanny-loofah, tbh

    3. HildyJ

      Royal Attendants

      Her Majesty's personal attendants are the Women of the Bedchamber, one of whom is designated the Mistress of the Chamber Pot. She is responsible for the scraping part of bowing and scraping.

      1. PhilipN Silver badge

        Bowing and Scraping

        No that's the Queen's violinist.

        Loo stuff is handled by the Master of the Rolls

        Who is also her chauffeur

  2. TRT Silver badge

    HM The Queen?

    You mean the Tenner Lady?

    1. Alister Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: HM The Queen?

      @TRT

      Well played sir.

    2. Groaning Ninny

      Re: HM The Queen?

      To The Tower with you!

      :-)

    3. Why Not?

      Re: HM The Queen?

      oooh a little bit of wee escaped!

      top post

  3. TeeCee Gold badge
    Facepalm

    Must be a German thing.

    Earlier this week I was listening to the radio and heard the story of the council in some German town. Going for a bulk buy to save costs, someone got a few zeroes where they shouldn't have been and for an encore, neglected to QA what they were buying.

    The town had finally managed to use up its stock of horrible, grey, hard bog paper several decades(!) later.

    1. Joe W

      Re: Must be a German thing.

      There is even a documentary (OK, "Pappa ante portas" is not, strictly speaking[*], a documentary), with the main protagonist (played by V. Frhr. v. Bülow, better known as Loriot) doing exactly this for his company. Later (after being sent off to early retirement) he enters a supermarket with the words "Guten Tag. Mein Name ist Lohse und ich kaufe hier ein" and proceeds to buy a palette of mustard for his family, because it's 2 Pfennig or so cheaper per glass.

      [*] OK, fine, it is no documentary at all...

    2. S4qFBxkFFg

      Re: Must be a German thing.

      I remember that - I think the essential misunderstanding was that the staff member thought they were ordering a specific quantity of rolls, when they were actually ordering that quantity of pallets.

      With low-value items, individual sign-off limits aren't going to save you.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Must be a German thing.

        My mate did something similar with Post-It pads. The details escape me but there was confusion between pads and packs (~20 pads per pack?). We're still working our way through them months later.

        1. ArrZarr Silver badge

          Re: Must be a German thing.

          Can never have too many post it pads, unless your world is turning into a scene from Bruce Almighty...

          1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

            Re: Must be a German Federal Intelligence Service (BND) thing. Jawohl? Nein?

            An Almighty TeutonICQ Version, ArrZarr ....Just A.N.Other Day in A.N.Other Office

            Willkommen Deutschländer.

            Live Operational Virtual Environments Await to Awake Heavenly Desire to Satisfy with Temptations Fired in Hell and Released in Climactic Communion with Other Worldly Beings.

            It is incumbent upon all to make absolutely sure your physiology is enabled/able to suffer fundamental shock to further survive in Unfolding Exceptionally Strange Futures Hosting and Presenting to All Here ..... a Service beyond Price and Worth ..... well, there aint enough 0s, is there.

            One of those name any ridiculous price moments that starts Greater IntelAIgent Games Play for Work and Rest.

            :-) I've mulled over that for a bit and submit it is as an accurate descriptor of a Future LOVE Program and Augmented Virtual Reality Presentation Facilities and Utilities for Virtual Creation of Whatever is Wisest and the Best Readily Available.

            I know, ... a Bold Claim. True though, nevertheless ...... until disproven.

            1. ArrZarr Silver badge
              Thumb Up

              Re: Must be a German Federal Intelligence Service (BND) thing. Jawohl? Nein?

              It's felt like you've been somewhat losing your touch recently, constructing sentences that could almost be considered coherent.

              Good to have you back.

    3. Rainer

      Re: Must be a German thing.

      It was in 2006 - and they used up the last roll last week, IIRC.

      It was a flatbed-truck full of toilet-paper.

      Actually, it was two flatbed-trucks, but they were able to cancel the 2nd delivery.

      They "saved" a low four-digit Euro amount, IIRC.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Must be a German thing.

        "They "saved" a low four-digit Euro amount, IIRC."

        But probably spent a pretty penny on storage costs!

  4. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    "Experts" are adamant that the nation could run out "within hours" in a bout of panic buying.

    The tabloid press seems capable of providing an indefinite supply.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      I find the Daily Mail a most absorbing read...

      1. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge

        I wouldn't wipe my arse with that.. you dunno what you might catch

        1. Waseem Alkurdi Silver badge
          Angel

          The face of a half-nude pic of some actress, probably?

          1. TRT Silver badge

            I've always found it bizarre that on the front page they are frothing at the mouth to reintroduce capital punishment almost for paedophilic criminality, whereas you can turn to page 12 to see the latest exclusive pictures of a 15-year old Z-list celebrity topless sunbathing on a private beach in Ibiza.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              They do say won't somebody think of the children. Though if I was to delve into the bizarre world of the Daily Mail I'm pretty sure there are many other contradictions.

            2. Chris G Silver badge

              No such thing as a private beach in Ibiza or anywhere else in Spain, even the beach in front of the King's summer house in Palma can be accessed by anyone.

              Regarding ' The picturesque London Boroughof Croydon' photos or it doesn't exist.

              How much paper to remove a borough sized skidmark?

            3. BlartVersenwaldIII
              Go

              > ...capital punishment almost for paedophilic criminality, whereas you can turn to page 12 to see the latest exclusive pictures of a 15-year old Z-list celebrity topless...

              'Twas ever thus I guess.

              A classic juxtaposition occurred when the tabloids were lashing out at Brass Eye's* "Paedogeddon"** episode, loudly declaiming it as sick filth that was trivialising/glamourising paedophilia opposite an article about how the breasts of 15yr-old Charlotte Church were coming along nicely.

              https://web.archive.org/web/20010806141503if_/http://chilled.cream.org:80/graphics/charlotte.jpg

              * For non-brits or those who might not be aware of it, this was a short-lived but scathing and iconic satire series taking a swipe at sensationalist news with lashings of ridiculous black comedy delivered with a deadly straight face

              ** Words can't adequately describe the episode in a mere footnote, but I'd go with "tasteless", "hilarious" and "hilariously tasteless" as a starter for ten

              1. Korev Silver badge
                Pint

                Pint for bringing up Brass Eye.

                "They don't need punishment, they need gunishment"!

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          "you dunno what you might catch"

          Maybe trim your finger nails?

          1. TRT Silver badge

            Take the staples out first. Don't want to tear yourself a new one.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              "Take the staples out first. Don't want to tear yourself a new one."

              You mean extra holes don't improve efficiency? I might be doing it wrong.

    2. Ken 16 Silver badge
      Trollface

      I'd certainly be shitting myself, if I was British.

      1. Teiwaz Silver badge

        I'd certainly be shitting myself, if I was British.

        Thankfully, bog roll is not needed for when people talk shit (which seems to be more often the last few years than ever before) - unless you think it worthwhile to ram a full roll in someones mouth to stop the flow.

        As to possible toilet paper shortages, well we'll just have to hope someone invents 'the shells' soon or we all just use our left hands (supposedly better for the skin than bog roll anyway).

      2. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

        No you wouldn't. If you were British you'd have a stiff upper lip.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      you need a broadsheet for that...

      Am I the only one here who remembers the bundle of quartered sheets of newspapers hanging from a string in an outdoor bog? Always a broadsheet, usually the local weekly newspaper.

      This was before four colour printing was introduced so the paper was of a very different texture. More absorbent.

      Still better than the institutional wax sheet bog paper. I think the last time I used that was on a British Rail train sometime in the early '80's. Or might have been a car ferry. Grim and unpleasant. In every way.

      Young 'uns, dont known how lucky they are.

  5. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

    I wonder why they would pretend to think that Germany would refuse to sell us arse paper if we were to leave the European Union.

    Also The top two producers, world wide are China followed by the USA.

    Hey look I got a downvote from somebody who also wants to pretend to think that Germany, Japan, USA and China (amongst others) aren't going to sell us arse paper.

    1. sabroni Silver badge

      re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

      I think they're pretending that suddenly deciding we need a hard border would mean a massive back log of stuff queued up to enter the country, leading to shortages.

      You apparently think magic tech will give us the required hard and soft border in Northern Ireland. Care to explain how that's going to work or is shouting "Project Fear" the limit of your debating skills?

      1. Alister Silver badge

        Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

        For the soft border, we just need lots of puppies, retriever puppies, preferably.

        1. Teiwaz Silver badge

          Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

          For the soft border, we just need lots of puppies, retriever puppies, preferably.

          Ah, the old Andrex ad.....

          The follow up ad campaign featured baby elephants - they definitely wouldn't fit *

          * And an old 'Filthy, Rich and Catflap' gag

      2. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

        Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

        You seem to think that Northern Ireland is somewhere between Britain and Calais ( or Rotterdam, or your continental port of choice ).

        We can today buy arsepaper from the USA which doesn't have a free trade agreement with our overlords.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

          But it does have a tariff agreement of sorts. This means that tariffs have been negotiated and are about 3% ish rather than WTO terms. This agreement does not extend to the UK once it leaves the EU and a new tariff structure would need to be agreed (or not agreed - currently the UK is going for unilateral tariffs).

          The mechanisms in place with non-EU countries almost all apply to the EU and will not automatically transfer over after Brexit.

          1. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

            Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

            Tariffs are applied to a countries imports, not its exports. Countries don't set export tariffs ( except perhaps on things like natural resources ).

            So if we decide to tax ourselves more on our imports of arse paper, then we will tax ourselves more.

            However, we do not currently have a free trade agreement with the USA or China. The EU's only involvement in our arsepaper trade with those countries is that it insists that we tax ourselves for buying it ( assuming arsepaper has a non-zero tariff, I'm not sure ).

            I'll say it again because people seem to be struggling with this; If we import something from abroad, we can decide what the tariffs are. That is a tax that we charge ourselves on imports from abroad.

            We can set those tariffs at the WTO maximum, at zero, or at anywhere in between. Those tariffs being how much we choose to tax ourselves.

            1. codejunky Silver badge

              Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

              @disgustedoftunbridgewells

              I have no idea why you are getting downvoted for stating facts. Unless some people think the US and China are in the EU or dont understand applying import tariffs.

              1. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

                Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                The facts disagree with their worldview. You should see the shoeing that Andrew Neil gets on Twitter for daring to post positive ONS statistics.

              2. Rich 11 Silver badge

                Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                It's not just import tariffs -- which could of course be set to nil -- but transport costs and transport delays. Germany exports twice as much toilet paper globally as the US, so it seems a safe bet that that's where we currently source much of ours from. If there's a difficult Brexit then there will be transport delays for goods arriving from places like Hamburg, Rotterdam and Calais. It will take time for importers to source new products from the US (who of course will be able to drive a hard bargain) and upwards of ten days for the first shipments to cross the Atlantic. Hence the concern about shortages and higher prices.

                1. codejunky Silver badge

                  Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                  @Rich 11

                  "If there's a difficult Brexit then there will be transport delays for goods arriving from places like Hamburg, Rotterdam and Calais"

                  Why? There isnt now. There is no reason to be. Again this element of trade is under our control.

                  "It will take time for importers to source new products from the US (who of course will be able to drive a hard bargain)"

                  This assumes Germany somehow doesnt want the business of exporting to us. But then why can the US drive a hard bargain? The assumption is they want to sell to us and pricing themselves out of the market will do them no favours.

                  "and upwards of ten days for the first shipments to cross the Atlantic"

                  Oh jeez how will we cope. So what?

                  "Hence the concern about shortages and higher prices."

                  It seems any excuse to panic if I am honest. Its almost like trying really hard to get people to panic buy (which at christmas always makes the shelves look empty but we still dont starve waiting on supplies).

                  1. Rich 11 Silver badge

                    Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                    Again this element of trade is under our control.

                    So if we leave the Customs Union you will happily waive all border checks? Is this what you call taking back control? The people who run the ports at Rotterdam and Calais are building extra lorry parks and customs channels and appear to disagree with your assessment. It's almost like they know something which you don't.

                    This assumes Germany somehow doesnt want the business of exporting to us.

                    No, it assumes there's a backlog at Channel ports for reasons already described. Come on, the ability to read for comprehension can't be beyond you.

                    pricing themselves out of the market will do them no favours.

                    Of course they won't price themselves out of the market. They'll just put prices up. You might need to read my final sentence again.

                    Its almost like trying really hard to get people to panic buy

                    Supermarkets don't generally benefit from people panic-buying non-perishable goods, since those goods can be used at a later date and people will simply not buy any at that point in time. We're talking bog rolls and wet wipes, not bags of salad leaves.

                    1. codejunky Silver badge

                      Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                      @Rich 11

                      "So if we leave the Customs Union you will happily waive all border checks? Is this what you call taking back control?"

                      Nice sidestep. We dont have a problem now, so why would we? Taking back control is to be in control and make choices yourself. So if we take back control then its up to us if we do or dont and how we deal with it. Taking back control does not mean becoming anally retentive.

                      "The people who run the ports at Rotterdam and Calais are building extra lorry parks and customs channels and appear to disagree with your assessment"

                      Actually that means they will choose to make it more difficult for themselves. Which as with taking back control, does not mean we are required to even if they are.

                      "No, it assumes there's a backlog at Channel ports for reasons already described. Come on, the ability to read for comprehension can't be beyond you."

                      Thank you. I wish I could return the faith. If we dont have such a backlog then it shows we dont need to have such a backlog and it is not mandatory for us to inflict one on ourselves. That they would inflict one on themselves is their choice. Unless its not their choice but the EU's which would demonstrate the taking back control quite clearly.

                      "Of course they won't price themselves out of the market. They'll just put prices up. You might need to read my final sentence again."

                      You cant complain they will put prices up if they are not pricing themselves out of the market. Because that means they are not raising prices due to brexit but because the market requires or allows for higher prices.

                      "Supermarkets don't generally benefit from people panic-buying non-perishable goods, since those goods can be used at a later date and people will simply not buy any at that point in time. We're talking bog rolls and wet wipes, not bags of salad leaves."

                      I didnt say the supermarkets are trying to get people panic buying. Amusingly a loan company have been told to stop using an advert praying on people with that stupid fear. Spreading fear of brexit has been routine since the referendum. Often comically bad propaganda but plenty of it.

                  2. Schultz
                    Holmes

                    There will be transport delays. Why?

                    Because there is paperwork and checks involved. Toilet paper sounds harmless, but what about that toxic waste, declared as toilet paper for easier disposal?

                    The EU made life easy, because it created common standards and rules as to what we call toilet paper and how it, and toxic waste, can be shipped around. I am sure the GB will follow the common sense toilet paper rules (together with those on banana and cucumbers) in the future, but for the moment there seems to be a bit of confusion as to how trade actually works in the modern world. You'll figure it out in time - just make sure you have a spare roll of Hakle Supersoft to carry you through the learning period.

                    1. codejunky Silver badge

                      Re: There will be transport delays. Why?

                      @Schultz

                      "Because there is paperwork and checks involved."

                      Which is where your comment can stop because it has already been neutered in my comment which you are responding to when I explain we dont have a problem now. Are the German businesses suddenly going to send toxic waste against the rules of the EU?

                      1. Rich 11 Silver badge

                        Re: There will be transport delays. Why?

                        Codejunky, please carry on demonstrating that you don't have a clue. Your total inability to grasp the argument by repeating the same unfounded beliefs time after time is an education for us all.

                        UK's biggest toilet roll supplier WEPA stockpiling to avoid No Deal customs delays

                        1. codejunky Silver badge

                          Re: There will be transport delays. Why?

                          @Rich 11

                          "Codejunky, please carry on demonstrating that you don't have a clue. Your total inability to grasp the argument by repeating the same unfounded beliefs time after time is an education for us all."

                          Which part of facts are you struggling with? We dont have the problem now, its a self inflicted problem if we choose to do it, so why would we choose to. Pointing out business is stocking up just in case the gov self inflicts a problem still does not mean we have to have such a problem. So if we do have such a problem its because we choose to cause such delays on imports.

                          You say my comments are an education to you but you really dont seem to grasp them. Instead you keep repeating you dont have a clue (I am not sure if I should put quotes around that because it applies both ways).

            2. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

              You obviously don't understand tariffs. We are not taxing ourselves, we are taxing the importer based upon the category of goods and their country of origin and/or the country of transit if part of a larger system.

              A unilateral tariff reduction swings towards a large trade deficit and so wealth is removed form the country at a larger rate causing the economy to stall and a recession to occur. Therefore you get agreement on tariffs with the other country and set equivalent tariffs or try to set up a multilateral zero tariff arrangements (a free trade agreement). The multilateral tariff arrangements were set up with the EU and no longer apply to the UK.

              The tariffs also pay for the time and administration of the import of goods which will then need to be checked to ensure that they have any relevant tax and duty paid on them and they have the relevant regulation adherence. You can ignore this regulation check if you have 'regulatory alignment' and you can ignore the duty issues and many more checks if you have a 'customs union'.

              Just having zero tariffs and no checks - well no civilised economy would do that unless they were truly desperate or out of their depth, would they?

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                Also investment. Why would a company invest in factories or have a HQ in the UK with zero import tariff. They would set up in a company with a high import tariff knowing they could export to the UK for free. Therefore they get the best of both worlds and the UK loses out on investment.

                1. codejunky Silver badge

                  Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                  @AC

                  "Also investment. Why would a company invest in factories or have a HQ in the UK with zero import tariff. They would set up in a company with a high import tariff knowing they could export to the UK for free"

                  That forgets part of the equation. If you need to import for your business do you want to buy at market prices or government inflated ones? The steel tariffs against China saw job losses in the US while the rest of the world enjoyed a discount of world surplus steel. That import tariff hits anyone importing even if its for business.

                  If your imports cost more but you export your products then a zero tariff country is where you want to be. You can be the cheapest seller based on inputs cost.

                  1. Anonymous Coward
                    Anonymous Coward

                    Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                    Say a flat rate of 10% on your exports and 0% on your imports. As your imports will always be a lower cost than your export price (i.e. you sell things for more than you buy the parts for it, which applies to every business) then you will always lose out if you have a tariff on exports.

                    Country A exports raw material 1

                    Country UK imports Raw Material 1

                    Country A has import tariffs on Country UK of 10%

                    Country A has bilateral Tariffs on other countries of 3%

                    Country UK has import tariffs on Country A of 0%

                    Country A may get the the raw goods slightly cheaper but their products will always cost more to export and so their products won't be competitive. Country A would buy exported product from either other countries at 3% or from their internal market at 0%. Hence why free trade agreements make for a competitive global market. You can play to your strengths without being at the mercy of a tariff war or the varying rates and legislation around the world.

          2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
            Facepalm

            Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

            "The mechanisms in place with non-EU countries almost all apply to the EU and will not automatically transfer over after Brexit."

            Wrong! We have agreements with a number of major trading parters which agrees the current EU terms will carry over. That's major trading partners such as Palestine, Israel, Liechtenstein, Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, The Faroe Islands. We're sorted!!!

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

          The trouble with anything from that side of the pond is that it it could be full of dodgy chemicals or hormones! My bum does not need any of theirs!

          1. Teiwaz Silver badge

            Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

            The trouble with anything from that side of the pond is that it it could be full of dodgy chemicals or hormones! My bum does not need any of theirs!

            I'm less concerned about bog roll than I am the dodgy food practices that might follow...

            Who wants chicken washed in a swimming pool anyway???

            1. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

              Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

              I hope you take the same stance against EU lettuce which is also "chlorinated".

              1. Tom 38 Silver badge

                Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                Its not about the chlorination, its about that chlorination in abattoirs is thought to replace the EU practices of keeping the place actually clean of bacteria in the first place. US believes that chlorine washing can compensate for poor hygiene standards, and has a 0.4% population incidence rate of both campylobacter and salmonella infections (estimated), whilst the UK currently has 0.1% incidence of campylobacter and 0.01% of salmonella (actual).

                PS: Only "pre-washed" lettuce has the chlorine rinse.

                1. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

                  Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                  Interesting that you compare the USA to the UK.

                  If you compare the USA to the EU you get comparable results.

                2. Lars Silver badge
                  Happy

                  Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                  It's more than just the chlorination when it comes to agri in the USA.

                  To remind you of the old fashioned EU compared to the modern US way of doing it.

                  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4osE1BjdPw&t=472s

                  1. Lars Silver badge
                    WTF?

                    Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                    A down vote for Food Inc, I find that surprising.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

        I hope there isn't a massive back log, we wouldn't have anything to clear it.

      4. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

        "You apparently think magic tech will give us the required hard and soft border in Northern Ireland"

        We could implement electronic controls similar to this:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4_AeqE09Fs&feature=youtu.be

        It appears to be an EU approved solution - whether it's too late to implement said solution now is a different issue, one where coherent governance within the UK is required.

        1. Ken 16 Silver badge
          Alert

          Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

          This is one area where I'm commited to soft

        2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

          "You apparently think magic tech will give us the required hard and soft border in Northern Ireland"

          We could implement electronic controls similar to this:

          Your example is aimed at relatively few ferry ports. The border between N Ireland and the Republic is a convoluted land border. The EU wouldn't want to be in a position where such controls apply to ferries between Ireland and, say, Brittany and the UK can't accept them between Britain and NI so how do you apply them? This is one of the obvious difficulties which Leave should have thought through beforehand.

        3. Lars Silver badge
          Happy

          Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

          "It appears to be an EU approved solution".

          Just ideas that nobody yet has been able to implement anywhere in the world.

          PS. I think brexiters were very keen to be able to control the borders.

          And will it prevent all EU to enter the UK walking across the border from Ireland to NI. Will the system beep somewhere electronically.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

            "Just ideas that nobody yet has been able to implement anywhere in the world."

            France is implementing these in 2019, as much to help address illegal migrant issues as Brexit, but it is already being tested.

            1. Lars Silver badge
              Happy

              Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

              "France is implementing these in 2019,".

              France doesn't have open borders outside of the Schengen area, so let's stick to the reality.

              And it might help you too to provide a link, and by the way if it is easy and feasible, all the better, and why then worry about the backstop as it will never be needed.

    2. Dan 55 Silver badge

      Fruit and veg farmers in the EU had their produce caught up in the Calais strike and it arrived unfit to sell. The result is that some fruit and veg farmers are now not sending produce to the UK. The Calais strike was work to rule to show what things would be like after Brexit.

      Obviously toilet paper has a longer shelf-life, but this is one reason why some businesses would refuse to sell to the UK.

      Another would be legal uncertainty in a no deal situation.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        The Calais strike was work to rule to show what things would be like after Brexit.

        The Calais work to rule was bolshie French unions taking advantage of any opportunity to ask for more staff & money.

        Country joining the EU? We need more staff to handle the extra workload.

        Country leaving the EU? We need more staff to handle the extra workload.

        France staying in the EU? It's stealing our jobs!

      2. W.S.Gosset Bronze badge

        > legal uncertainty in a no deal situation

        There is no legal uncertainty in a WTO situation (apocalyptically rebadged "no deal" for hysteria-sake).

        Which is what the UK will be in. Same as Australia, USA, China, etc. All of which have absolutely no toilet paper or indeed ANY international trade because they too failed to make a Special Deal with one group of countries.

    3. katrinab Silver badge
      Alert

      They will sell us it, but it will be stuck at Ostend Ferry Port waiting for a Seaborne Freight ferry to arrive.

  6. Pat Att

    That's only half the job

    Now we need Theresa May to come down and give a lifetime's supply of shit.

    1. DJV Silver badge

      Re: That's only half the job

      She's already done that ten times over!

  7. Robigus
    Trollface

    Say what you like about the Germans

    They look after their own.

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Say what you like about the Germans

      They also "look after" the Greeks...

  8. Waseem Alkurdi Silver badge

    Water

    Doesn't water cut it for arse-washing? I've always wondered how people *believe* they can clean up with just bog paper ...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Water

      Please don't confuse this issue any further.

      You'll have the water shortage loons joining in with the toilet paper loons. And the heart attacks caused during the arguments will drag in the shortage of medicines loons. Or maybe the cull of said loons could address the demand and avoid shortages?

      P.s I have spare rolls of toilet paper available. Serious offers above £20/roll only...

    2. Totally not a Cylon
      Alert

      Re: Water

      But then you'll need a hi-tech toilet, with all the buttons labelled in Kanji.

      So no one will know which button is flush and which is sterilise toilet!

    3. Rameses Niblick the Third Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble? Silver badge

      Re: Water

      I know, right? It's like they never even learned how to use the three seashells!

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Re: Water

        Seashells will work but eventually there won't be any left on the beach. However, we here in the US should be able to supply large quantities of corn cobs in both the white/light and brown/dark varieties.

    4. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Water

      "Doesn't water cut it for arse-washing?"

      I'll just leave this here: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-47620228

      1. W.S.Gosset Bronze badge

        Re: Water

        Oh, priceless. Has Tim Flannery made his way to England?

        Thank god, we could seriously do without his hysterical bullshitting. He ran exactly the same line in 2005-2007 in Australia, screaming urgent need to build major desalination plants, all mothballed until needed, never have been, ongoing maintenance costs are around A$1bn/yr iirc.

      2. W.S.Gosset Bronze badge

        Re: Water

        “By the year 2000 the United Kingdom will be simply a small group of impoverished islands, inhabited by some 70 million hungry people … If I were a gambler, I would take even money that England will not exist in the year 2000.”

        Paul Ehrlich, Speech at British Institute For Biology, September 1971.

  9. Amentheist
    Coat

    Didn't know people wipe their behinds with swans' necks.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      It's the only way to do it with any dignity.

      For the person, not so much for the swan.

      1. a cynic writes...

        Unless you run out of swans..

        Let's face it there's no much dignity running up and down a lake with you trousers round your ankles trying to catch one of those a feathered vicious bastards.

        1. Korev Silver badge

          Re: Unless you run out of swans..

          Said the actress to the bishop

        2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Unless you run out of swans..

          "those feathered vicious bastards."

          And there's no telling what damage those beaks could do.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        How did you think the "Floss" was invented if not when using a swan's neck?

    2. Christoph Silver badge

      In days of old when knights were bold, and paper not invented

      They wiped their arse with bits of grass and walked away contented.

      1. Korev Silver badge
        Coat

        Or the Daily Chainmail

  10. disgruntled yank Silver badge

    schools

    Does the UK have the teenage custom of "TP"ing the house of someone unpopular or otherwise conspicuous? In the USA teenagers will not and then hurl rolls of toilet paper back and forth over a house until is thoroughly draped. The school may wish to keep the supply well secured.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: schools

      Does the UK have the teenage custom of "TP"ing the house of someone unpopular or otherwise conspicuous?

      Nah, over 'ere, if there's someone unpopular we just chuck a petrol bomb through the letterbox...

      1. Ken 16 Silver badge
        Flame

        Re: schools

        null points from the Belfast jury

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: schools

          Not just Belfast.

    2. IHateWearingATie

      Re: schools

      "Does the UK have the teenage custom of "TP"ing the house of someone unpopular or otherwise conspicuous?"

      Nope - rains far too much for that. The unfortunate recipient of the TP'ing would just wait a few hours for the inevitable deluge to wash it all away.

    3. TRT Silver badge
    4. Christoph Silver badge

      Re: schools

      "hurl rolls of toilet paper back and forth over a house "

      Tricky to do with terraced houses.

  11. Dave559 Bronze badge

    Grow your own

    You really would hope that the UK would have enough of a forestry industry (and enough paper recycling) to be able to produce sufficient paper to make enough toilet paper to meet our needs. That’s really quite pathetic.

    And forests look quite pretty while growing, too.

    1. Ken 16 Silver badge
      IT Angle

      Re: Grow your own

      How long are you willing to wait between your after-pub chip shop curry and the development of a new paper industry in the UK? I'm going with a RTO of 4 hours.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Grow your own

        "How long are you willing to wait between your after-pub chip shop curry and the development of a new paper industry in the UK? I'm going with a RTO of 4 hours."

        We'll be fine, the British Army have stockpiled millions of packets of "Biscuits, AB" (aka arse blockers) from the standard issue ration pack.

        These are guaranteed to block your passage for at least a month (well, it'll feel like it anyway), and once you are capable of "dropping the kids off at the pool", the explosion will be so violent that it won't even touch the sides and arse paper will be totally unnecessary...

    2. Alister Silver badge

      Re: Grow your own

      We don't have anything like enough land-mass for sufficient forestry to provide for all the timber and paper needs of the UK. Whilst Germany and the UK are similar in size by land area, Germany is much more heavily forested.

      1. tiggity Silver badge

        Re: Grow your own

        That's because we hacked down most of our forests to graze sheep or to allow sadistic *****s to blast captive bred birds to oblivion. way back in history.

        Lots of "scenic" areas e.g. the almost treeless wastelands of the Lake District, Peak district etc. should have lots of tree cover (bar on a few of the boggy areas that are not conducive to good tree growth)

        1. Rich 11 Silver badge

          Re: Grow your own

          Also we cut down most of our ancient forests to provide ship timbers, enough so that we were dependent upon importing French oak by the time of the Napoleonic Wars.

          1. Richard 12 Silver badge

            Re: Grow your own

            French oak that was already arranged in the shape of a ship.

            Most of the English fleet was captured vessels. It's not piracy if you've hot a letter from the monarch, you see...

        2. WilliamBurke
          Headmaster

          Re: Grow your own

          While I agree with your sentiment, Grouse shooting was of course not the reason for the deforestation. This was done to blast the natives of foreign lands into oblivion (for which you need ships). And then put sheep at the heart of British agriculture, which not only prevented the forest from re-growing, but allowed to get rid of the rural population as well (up here they call it the Highland Clearances, but it probably happened down south as well).

        3. EvilDrSmith

          Re: Grow your own

          >or to allow sadistic *****s to blast captive bred birds to oblivion.

          Not really. Clearance for agriculture, but also for building materials (ships and buildings) and for fuels - charcoal for much of the early metal working industry, for example, required lots of timber.

        4. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Grow your own

          Lots of "scenic" areas e.g. the almost treeless wastelands of the Lake District, Peak district etc. should have lots of tree cover

          The trees which grew in these ares were hardwoods. Paper is made out of softwood.

          The trees vanished from the top of the northern Peak District (the so called Black Peak) long before any form of agriculture or pastoralism due to climate change (we used to call it the Boreal-Atlantic Transition).

          A lot of the trees were cut down from a lot of slopes on the sides of the Peak District hills for agriculture, not sheep. They're not well defined but there are distinct traces of medieval ridge and furrow. They did get enclosed quite early but I suspect dairy cattle were as important as sheep.

          1. Richard 12 Silver badge

            Re: Grow your own

            More important in many places.

            You only grow sheep if you can't grow anything better.

            1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

              Re: Grow your own

              "You only grow sheep if you can't grow anything better."

              The wealth of medieval England was founded on wool. When it came to a cash crop there wasn't anything better to grow.

    3. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Grow your own

      "And forests look quite pretty while growing, too."

      Softwood plantations don't. Regular rows of dark Sitka spuce, not much colour variation through the year. Close up, very little ground flora.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Seriously...

    While it's all very funny, I can confirm that my public sector employer with a sideline in hospitality (university with student halls) has somebody in charge of preparing for hard, soft, delayed or cancelled Brexit, and they have indeed stocked up on toilet paper. All this is costing money and peoples' time which could otherwise be spent more productively, if the politicians got their shit together.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The thing about tariffs is that they're part of the deal when trade arrangements are negotiated.

    While we are indeed free to set import tariffs on everything to zero if we wish, thats not a trade deal - i.e. it doesn't give us any rights to export our stuff to other countries tariff-free. What it does mean is that when we sit down with, say, the US to sort out a full trade agreement, their starting point will be "what else is in it for us ?" since they wont need to negotiate mutual tariff reductions.

    1. W.S.Gosset Bronze badge

      This has already been done -- it's called the WTO.

      You need to be aware that "No Deal" is a bullshit phrase designed to trick people into thinking you don't already have a deal. Or rather, over 165 of them, one with each WTO member.

  14. MrKrotos

    1,440 loo rolls != lifetime supply to a school

    Just saying...

    1. tiggity Silver badge

      Re: 1,440 loo rolls != lifetime supply to a school

      Though potentially optimistic for lifetime supply of her Maj

  15. Rich 11 Silver badge

    "Bugger bog rolls"

    As George V might have said.

  16. Dippywood

    A Soft Landing...

    Put them at the base of the 'brexit cliff' we are about to go over (apparently) and use them to cushion the fall...

  17. StuntMisanthrope Bronze badge

    It's the other end.

    Bit like the crane, that lifted the train. #nowedgies

  18. Mark 85 Silver badge

    Tough times need tough arses to get through them.

    it's clear the teachers will stash this payload in the staff room while students make do with tracing paper.

    Tracing paper? More like grade ZZZ which basically a stick with bark cut from the nearest tree and wrapped in a piece of paper. The ZZ grade is paper but does have large chunks of wood in it.

  19. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Coat

    Don't mention the war!

    For you Tommy, ze loo roll iz over!

  20. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    The Queen of Croydon

    Doesn't Kate Moss hail from Croydon?

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    No wonder our schools are going down the pan if they get luxury soft toilet paper .... bring back Izal!

  22. YARR

    The Brexit upside...

    A loo-roll shortage is an ideal opportunity for British innovation to lead the world again. The Dyson Loo-Blade (patent pending) will blast your behind with a high velocity airstream that will leave it fresher than it's ever felt before, all while saving the lives of countless trees. I sheet you not.

  23. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    Wrong Palace

    The Germans should have sent 650 loos rolls to the Palace of Westminster.

  24. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    Oh dear, Mr. Currie (if that is your real name)

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bang_Goes_the_Knighthood

    (or at least whoever came up with the genius headline)

  25. OFSO

    We have to bring our own.....

    ...the Fitness Centre which I use when in Spain has had the toilet paper dispenser removed from the men's changing room and replaced by a notice saying "bring your own paper" Perhaps the Germans could take pity on us ?.

  26. TheVogon Silver badge

    I guess the school will have to keep it's government issue loo roll for it's original intended purpose as tracing paper.

  27. JoMe

    Being serious for a moment...

    Most of the world has kinda been laughing up its sleeve at the whole Brexit movement.

  28. Lars Silver badge
    Happy

    WTO

    Some WTO stuff on this thread, but I would like to point out that while it's not lying when you leave out things and facts about WTO, it is, if you do it intentionally.

    There is a lot on Youtube if you search for say "brexit wto". Like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRJev8bWRU8

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