back to article BOFH: Bye desktop, bye desk. Hello 'slab and a beanbag on the floor

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "Oh I generally take the road less travelled..." I say to the Boss in response to the mindless drivel that's just escaped the low pressure system of his skull. "Me too," the PFY says. "Much less likely that someone will come along and ask you why you're digging such a big hole and what …

  1. Korev Silver badge
    Pint

    Charles Atlas, Gluten Gabber and Marco Polio

    Love it!

    One for Simon -->

    1. perlcat

      Missed one. The guy that comes to work even though he's sick and should just stay home. We call him: "Typhoid Larry".

  2. Augie
    Pint

    Woohooo BOFH back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    I must be getting old

    It took a while for that last bit to sink in - but I shall go to lunch with a smile on my face.

  4. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Smileyface for the rest of the day... when's beer o' clock????

    1. Whatsinitforme
      Pint

      It's beer 'o clock somewhere, so no excuses there.

      My southern neighbours (the Belgians) usually start beer 'o clock 5 seconds after they go for lunch on Friday....

      1. Tabor

        the Belgians

        I am a Belgian and am slightly offended by that generalization. We're not all the same.

        For example, I prefer a G&T 5 seconds after leaving for lunch, maybe a nice merlot during lunch, and a cognac after lunch. And only then would I consider it beer 'o clock.

        1. Whatsinitforme
          Thumb Up

          Re: the Belgians

          My sincere apologies for the generalization of you and your fellow country(wo)men.

          How could I forget that a lot of (but most like far from all of them) Belgians prefer the Burgundian lifestyle, which includes a lot more spirits then just Beer....

          I was amazed when I visited McD in Antwerp that they actually serve cans of Jupiler......

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: the Belgians

            Why wouldn't they?

          2. Tabor

            Re: the Belgians

            To be honest: what I described was the ideal scenario for the BOFH that I am (or aspire to be). Sadly, today it was not to be. But rest assured, I am now in the presence of a glorious blond Ename (which has my seal of approval), while my PFY is toiling away. No doubt plotting against me.

            He will be joining me shortly, to get in the next round.

          3. Tom 7 Silver badge

            Re: the Belgians

            Thats got me confused now. I have a McD diet - I go into McDonalds only if there is a queue of more than two people, The couple of minutes smelling the place kills my hunger for several hours, If I knew they had beer I might be tempted not to walk out feeling un-hungry!

            1. M.V. Lipvig
              Unhappy

              Re: the Belgians

              That works for me too, but I need only pass by the outside of a McD's to lose my appetite. If I went into one I'd lose my lunch.

          4. OopsSorryMyBad...

            Re: the Belgians

            We apologize for the previous apology. Those responsible have been sacked...

      2. Version 1.0 Silver badge

        When I visited Holland they were very happy to serve me beer with breakfast! Way better than UKippers.

        1. gerdesj Silver badge

          In the UK, 'spoons is where you go for your brekkie beer.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            but not a decent beer, just your warm brexit brews

        2. Whatsinitforme

          Ow, any proper Dutch will sell you anything at anytime and any place.

          If there's money to be made, a Dutchmen will try it. If you could convince a Dutchmen that there's profit in selling freezers to people living in Lapland, he would pack a truck full of freezers and be on the Øresund Bridge within 8 hours.

          1. Jiggity
            Coat

            re: Dutchmen and profit

            That reminds me of the old gag about the origin of copper wire: 2 Dutchmen arguing over a 1 cent coin...

            1. Whatsinitforme
              Thumb Up

              Re: re: Dutchmen and profit

              You just hit the nail on the head......

          2. Disk0
            Thumb Up

            selling freezers to people living in Lapland...

            Think about it, they have summers too, and where else are you going to store your PHB until the tacotruck comes to pick up his remains.

  5. Joe W

    "digital natives"

    More like savages... the only thing they can do is prod their grubby fingers on fondleslabs, which are more consumption devices rather than anything to get work done with.

    1. nichomach

      Re: "digital natives"

      By "consumption devices", you mean slow, wheezy, liable to vomit blood over anyone in the vicinity and the subject of overwrought dramatics?

      1. Joe W
        Pint

        Re: "digital natives"

        *consults OED*

        Ahh. Thanks, learned something new today (time for a drink!)

    2. Diogenes

      Re: "digital natives"

      Ah yes,

      the ones who when using a mouse & keyboard, and need to correct a spilling error, will put the insertion point at the end of a line , and backspace until they hit the offending letter & retype the rest of the line, exactly as they have been trained by their phones and fondleslabs.

      This describes my year 7, 8 and most of year 9, about half of year 10, and some of my year 12 students. It drives me insane to watch them, as for keyboard shortcuts - pffft !

  6. Gonzo_the_Geek

    Yaaayyyyyy! BOFH fix!

    1. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge
      Happy

      A BOFH HOTfix more likely

  7. chivo243 Silver badge
    Pint

    The Boss

    Didn't die! Yet... Some tools are useful longer than others!

    Welcome back!

    1. A. Coatsworth

      Re: The Boss

      Fear is a powerful weapon.

      That threat bought them a spineless pet Boss. I'im sure they will use him wisely and dispose of him appropriately once he outlives his usefulness

      1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

        Re: The Boss

        Yep, a boss who goes along with the BOFH is compromised… I sense a couple of new server racks and space for a new cooling unit at least!

  8. TRT Silver badge

    Oddly...

    Around our neck of the woods Comms and Server space seems to be absolutely sacrosanct and appears on the building schematics marked as simply VOID.

    "Charles, we really need to find extra space to take advantage of this inward investment in our core business, and we can't help but notice that you have just six 45U racks taking up 70 square metres of the floor space, with 250,000BTU reserved on the building's air con, dual 100Amp supplies that account for 10% of the building's electrical design load, and you have just two 9U Catalyst chassis and 400 data points in that comms room..."

    "Bob, we NEED that space for possible future expansion"

    "You mean that space that's been there for 20 years already, hasn't ever been used, and in fact has grown emptier and emptier as a result of improvements in device miniaturisation, more compact form factors and the lower costs of fibre optics? And where advances in power efficiency now means that the air con has lowered the room temperature to the point where you can hang a side of beef in it for 4 months without breaching food safety regs?"

    "Erm... Yeah. That space. Future-proof. Look, it'd be really expensive to recreate that kind of environment if we ever needed it at some point."

    "How much does a bag of topsoil, plaster dust and a 100cwt of snipped off bits of twisted pair and LSZH PVC sheath cost?"

    "It's very simple. No. IT space."

    "Charles... your department has dodged the bullet far too long on your very poor space utilisation figures."

    "I wonder if you could utilise two weeks of space in my holiday let in the Algarve?"

    "Mmm... make it four and we'll knock out half the loos instead and cut-back the core business growth."

    "Sounds like a deal. See you at next year's Space Planning meeting."

  9. SolidSquid

    Of course the epilogue is them negotiating a significant pay rise and annexing that space for the servers and comms as compensation for the company exposing them to asbestos, especially since they built the building well after the risks of asbestos became well known

  10. Nunyabiznes

    1st sentence

    Got me.

    We joke about some of our coworkers having prime particle detection space attached to their necks but I like this even better.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  11. ma1010 Silver badge

    Thanks, Simon!

    Been missing you.

  12. tweell
    Alert

    I dunno

    Asbestos=old and busted. Mold=new hotness. Can't rely on dummy mode forever, Simon! Well, maybe you can, but us mortals can't.

    1. tony2heads

      Re: I dunno

      Yes; mould is the stuff to bring fear into people; just mention microbial pollution

      see the PDF

      Either that or Legionella in the air conditioning

      1. FeRDNYC

        Re: I dunno

        Is radon still a thing? ISTR back in the day we were all deathly afraid of radon outgassing in our building foundations and whatnot, irradiating us full of all the fabulously deadly cancers it would bring. Pretty sure we were all supposed to have expired from all the radon turning each of our bodies into nothing but one giant tumor mass, in fact. We still scared of radon?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: I dunno

          Yeah, it's still the number two cause of lung cancer, after smoking. (Un)fortunately it's simple enough to test for it and fix any problems, so it's easier to get people scared about other things...

        2. tony trolle

          Re: I dunno

          Saw my first Radon ad for the USA in Vegas at New Years. Also saw most the TV ads had a web link, it was like the 90's again.

          1. Morten_T
            Pint

            Re: I dunno

            Watching TV? Unskippable ads? Yeah, that must've felt like the 90's :D

            ---> It's Friday

      2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: I dunno

        "see the PDF"

        That's the sort of paper that Sir Humphrey said we need more of. The Introduction starts on the 19th page and the executive summary runs to 4 and a bit (executives never read more than half a page). Should be enough to win any argument. What does it say?

  13. bpfh Bronze badge

    Seems that the PHB has a modicum of sense...

    though the fact that he is part of the scheme now, makes it likely that he will take the fall for any further action before finding himself in a roll of carpet in the PFY's Scottish estate...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Seems that the PHB has a modicum of sense...

      Self preservation is a powerful motivator. a stooge is worth more alive than dead.

  14. Gnoitall
    Unhappy

    Simply Brilliant, of course

    but sometimes it makes me sad that BOFH actually has to explain his warnings to the thickest of PHBs.

    A joke you have to explain is very sad. A threat you have to explain is even sadder, even if (given the dim-wittedness of the target)it's likely.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Simply Brilliant, of course

      Late, as in the late DentArthur Dent.

      1. WonkoTheSane

        Re: Simply Brilliant, of course

        "Late, as in the late DentArthur Dent."

        That would make the "Tipping Point" become the "Shoe Event Horizon"

    2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Simply Brilliant, of course

      "BOFH actually has to explain his warnings to the thickest of PHBs."

      The warnings only get explained to those capable of getting the message. With the thickest it's easier to bypass warnings altogether and go for the kill unfortunate workplace accident.

  15. Alistair Silver badge
    Pint

    Irony.

    Considering that BOFH is such a pragmatist is the trim ads on the page for 'Becoming a pragmatic Security Leader'.

    Yay BOFH Friday!

    Yay EOsprint Friday!

    Damn. Bills friday.

    Have a beer and a great weekend everyone.

  16. sisk Silver badge

    Is the supply of easily duped bosses getting low or something? It's not like Simon to give a boss a chance to stop being annoying before their unfortunate accidents.

    1. FozzyBear Silver badge

      If Simon ever runs low. My company has an oversupply of them prancing around the corridors. It'd take years to thin that herd.

  17. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    "where he talks about things reaching a point at which a sudden large change occurs."

    Ah, yes. I remember it when it was called catastrophe theory.

    1. bpfh Bronze badge

      In think it’s called a “database normalisation error”.

      Any consultant who disagrees can look in my very heavy spring loaded briefcase. That one open there. Lean over into it and look and the paperwork. Be careful , would not want it to snap shut would we.... WOP.

      Oops.

      Wop wop wop...

  18. choleric

    "Posthumously"

    Absolutely brilliant!

  19. dmacleo

    "We could name a chapter of the book after you if you like," the PFY says. "Posthumously."

    *************************************************************************************************************

    awesome reply.

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