back to article Pandas so useless they just look at delicious kid who fell into enclosure

Three years ago, internet memelords united under the clarion call "Dicks out for Harambe". The 17-year-old gorilla was shot and killed on 29 May 2016 after snatching a toddler at Cincinnati Zoo. Corbyn on a train Corbyn lied, Virgin Trains lied, Harambe died READ MORE Which was fair enough, seeing as the enormous ape could …

  1. Korev Silver badge
    Pint

    Love it

    A pint for Mr Currie -->

    1. Version 1.0 Silver badge

      Re: Love it

      And a marmalade sandwich

  2. lglethal Silver badge
    Coat

    If Pandas started breeding willy nilly, would we be at risk of a Pandamic?

    OK, OK , im leaving... no need to push...

    1. m0rt Silver badge

      i can certainly seeing Pandamonium ensuing

      1. austint

        Don't think I could bear any more of these...

        1. Korev Silver badge
          Coat

          We shouldn't Panda to jokes like these

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Not when it's this black and white.

            1. BinkyTheMagicPaperclip Silver badge

              Personally I'm finding it all bamboozling

              1. Toltec

                Musa been confusing for them.

          2. IntergalacticViking

            Let's not open that pandaora's box...

      2. Warm Braw Silver badge

        Pandamonium

        As defined by the late, lamented Jeremy Hardy on ISIHAC:

        A musical instrument that refuses to breed in captivity

    2. macjules Silver badge
      Coat

      A Panda just eats, shoots and leaves.

      Bit like a British politician, and likewise should be left to go into extinction naturally.

      1. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

        I think a lot of people are starting to think that the present crop of UK politicians should be assisted into extinction.

        1. Mark 85 Silver badge

          I think a lot of people are starting to think that the present crop of UK politicians should be assisted into extinction.

          Not just UK politicians.

    3. Lee D Silver badge

      Someone give him a pair of black eyes...

  3. Rupert Fiennes Bronze badge

    Had the chance to pose with one once

    ...in the breeding centre in Chengdu. Going rate for a selfie in it's cage was 100Y, which was about 8 quid at the time. I wasn't interested, largely because I got the impression they would have drugged it up first. As an animal, they are a bit useless: they have been even known to sit on their new born offspring.

    1. }{amis}{ Silver badge
      Unhappy

      Re: they have been even known to sit on their new born offspring

      A sad fact about the pork industry is a major cause of piglet fatality is being crushed by their mothers this kind of accident are in no way unique to pandas.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: they have been even known to sit on their new born offspring

        True about pigs, and we go to significant lengths to ensure their survival. Perhaps the lesson the be learned by the panda is that being delicious is a better survival strategy for the species as a whole than being cute.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: they have been even known to sit on their new born offspring

          It happens in the States too ... oh wait, that's with Humans not Pandas.

        2. Rupert Fiennes Bronze badge

          Re: they have been even known to sit on their new born offspring

          How very true :-)

          https://youtu.be/63NNuG-6-hQ

        3. Martin Summers Silver badge

          Re: they have been even known to sit on their new born offspring

          "True about pigs, and we go to significant lengths to ensure their survival."

          For bacon? Anything!...

          1. Emmeran

            Re: they have been even known to sit on their new born offspring

            and pigs have a survival strategy, they shoot out 10~15 piglets at a go; nobody misses the odd smooshed one. Also they, much like turtles, eat anything that gets within range or moves slower than they do. Many a goose on our farm lost their head trying to steal food from the pigs...

            1. ElReg!comments!Pierre Silver badge

              Re: they have been even known to sit on their new born offspring

              Also they, much like turtles, eat anything that gets within range or moves slower than they do.

              Very true, and very much like "long pork", too.

        4. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: they have been even known to sit on their new born offspring

          Perhaps the lesson the be learned by the panda is that being delicious is a better survival strategy for the species as a whole than being cute.

          How true. I found Giant Panda tasted horrible. Grizzly bears and polar bears at least have a seafood diet. But, if you're looking for a vegan bear option, panda it is.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Unhappy

            Re: they have been even known to sit on their new born offspring

            Vegan?! Don't be a fool! They still have a functioning carnivore gut, and what do you suppose that non-vegetarian 1% in their diet is, huh?

            I'll tell you what it is. Elderly squirrels, that's what!

        5. Toni the terrible
          Devil

          Re: they have been even known to sit on their new born offspring

          Has anyone made sausages out of Pandas, and if so were they tasty?

    2. James Anderson

      Re: Had the chance to pose with one once

      Did you sit through the video of a Panda giving birth. As the hamster sized new Panda popped out the mother looked confused for a few seconds and then went back to munching bamboo. Then one of the keepers rushed in to grab it before the mother sat on it.

      Apparently in the wild the average mother has three goes before it realises they need to nurture these strange objects.

    3. Eddy Ito Silver badge

      Re: Had the chance to pose with one once

      Maybe pandas are just naturally high. It could explain a lot.

      Dude, I like, got the bamboo munchies man.

      Whoa! Like, fer sure, who wants to run around after blurry critters when there's all this nice bamboo right here man?

    4. tony2heads

      Re: Had the chance to pose with one once

      No drugs were needed by the look of it

  4. Chris G Silver badge

    Perhaps

    A small addition of Kodiak DNA would make them more 'interesting'.

    1. muddysteve

      Re: Perhaps

      "A small addition of Kodiak DNA would make them more 'interesting'."

      If it was Kodak dna, they could take their own selfies.

      1. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

        Re: Perhaps

        If it was Kodak dna, they could take their own selfies.

        Think very carefully about this - we can't go making snap decisions about genetic modification

        1. STOP_FORTH

          Re: Perhaps

          Can you still get black and white film?

          1. Rameses Niblick the Third Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble? Silver badge

            Re: Perhaps

            I think we should calm down, have a cup of tea and see what develops...

          2. Antron Argaiv Silver badge

            Re: Perhaps

            (Yes)

            ...and the chemicals to develop it as well :-)

      2. John Miles

        Re: If it was Kodak dna,

        Judging by how Kodak, despite inventing the digital camera back in 1975, fell off a cliff by worrying about film business and not the digital one - they probably already have some of its DNA

    2. Wellyboot Silver badge

      Re: Perhaps

      This may involve quite a bit of science to pull off.

      Kodiak spots a Panda, Kodiak thinks 'where's the prawn crackers & beer'

      1. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge

        Re: Perhaps

        Then give it the beer and a kebab first.

    3. Michael Wojcik Silver badge

      Re: Perhaps

      That would be tricky, since giant pandas are (alone) in a different subfamily of ursidae and not closely genetically related to kodiaks or other ursinae. Quoth the 'pedia: "Nuclear chromosome analysis show that the karyotype of the six ursine bears is nearly identical, with each having 74 chromosomes, whereas the giant panda has 42 chromosomes".

      That's not to say you couldn't snip genes from kodiak DNA and wodge them into the giant-panda genome somewhere, but we're not talking something straightforward like liger-breeding.

      Frankly, it'd be cheaper to hire a good PR firm for black bears. Those bastards are successful.

      1. kiwimuso
        Joke

        Re: Perhaps

        @Michael Wojcik

        "....not closely genetically related to kodiaks or other ursinae."

        There's always one, isn't there!

        There's always one person that has to spoil a perfectly good commentard forum with actual science!!!

        ....and yeah, I know I'm a bit late to this party!!!

  5. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

    Symbol Of The World Wildlife Fund

    A bit of trivia that I learned the other day.....The reason that the WWF chose the panda for its logo was because it's black and white, so letterheads, etc. would be much cheaper to print as they could use basic B&W printing rather than far more expensive full-colour.

    Basically a toss-up between the panda and the zebra - I guess the panda got the gig because it looks cuter.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Symbol Of The World Wildlife Fund

      Well they could have had the badger?

      Or Postman Pat's cat.

      1. BinkyTheMagicPaperclip Silver badge

        Re: Symbol Of The World Wildlife Fund

        There's only one Jess, but at least she's female so could potentially breed.

    2. Captain Hogwash Silver badge
      Linux

      Re: Basically a toss-up between the panda and the zebra

      Ahem!

    3. macjules Silver badge

      Re: Symbol Of The World Wildlife Fund

      If we crossed the 2, would we get a checkered hide, and would there be a demand for genuine Zanda skins for Formula 1 flags?

    4. barrejam

      Re: Symbol Of The World Wildlife Fund

      Could have used a badger, tapir, blackbird, killer whale, white tiger, black panther etc.....

  6. SonOfDilbert
    Meh

    Relate

    The older I get, the more I can relate to these creatures. Don't they kind of symbolise the human race as we collectively stare into the perfect storm of Brexit, Trump(it), climate and a myriad other outrages that we should be rioting about but instead of just shrugging and saying, 'Well, there's not much I can do about it, really, is there...'?

    Maybe we should save the panda and instead let ourselves dwindle into extinction.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Trollface

      Re: Relate

      Maybe we should save the panda

      Not much chance of that, when we're too stupid to be able to build an enclosure that prevents retards from dropping their kids in.

      This had a happy outcome only because pandas are docile and vegetarian. Many, many other episodes that ended with the shooting of both escaped and unescaped zoo animals show that society values a single human peasant more highly than any endangered animal.

      But there might be usefully inflammatory insight here. If the decision of some great-great-great grandbear to give up meat and start eating plants has led their descendants down an evolutionary cul de sac, should we not start treating vegans in the same way, as another prospectively endangered species on its way to extinction?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Relate

        Unfortunately if we treat vegans like pandas we won't be allowed to shoot them anymore.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Relate

          if we treat vegans like pandas we won't be allowed to shoot them anymore

          Not en masse, I'd grant you. But think how much could be made selling a reasonable number of licensed gaming kills to the sort of disgusting rich trophy hunters who already like to buy the opportunity to hide a long way off before trying to kill an endangered animal with a sniper's rifle?

          1. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

            Re: Relate

            Trophy hunters get a bad press. I think rich people should be allowed to hunt endangered large carnivores as trophies. Unarmed. In hand to claw combat. If they can strangle the lion or hippo they get to put its head on the wall. Part of the deal is that before the hunt they change their will to leave all their property to appropriate charities.

    2. Jimmy2Cows

      Re: Maybe we should save the panda and instead let ourselves dwindle into extinction.

      But then who would be left to save the panda? Let's face it, they're shit at saving themselves.

      1. Claverhouse Bronze badge
        Stop

        Re: Maybe we should save the panda and instead let ourselves dwindle into extinction.

        They seem to have survived, like most species, without humans, for millions of years But when humans start taking over, wild animals die.

        I was reading about ranching in the American West, and not merely the cattle and sheep were destined to be murdered by us, but at least 16 other species were massacred at random to ensure the increase in cattle and sheep for the profit of the rancher.

        .

        Eventually some of the wild creatures remained, where they had once been only killed by other non-humans in a fairly balanced ecology, in order to provide targets for the hunting crowd.

  7. Flywheel Silver badge

    Makes a sloth look fast

    And at least a sloth seems to have a sense of purpose!

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Makes a sloth look fast

      The reason sloths move slowly is that digesting their diet takes a good deal of the energy it contains so there's little left over for anything else such as movement. I'v not read up on pandas but I suspect the same thing might apply to them.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Makes a sloth look fast

        The reason sloths move slowly is that digesting their diet takes a good deal of the energy it contains so there's little left over for anything else such as movement.

        Not just sloths, it applies to me as well.

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Makes a sloth look fast

          "Not just sloths, it applies to me as well."

          You only eat bamboo?

  8. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

    In other news

    Three Pandas recently survived a terrifying encounter with a human. A determined human climbed over a fence ready to savage a group of pandas but was fortunately unable to traverse a protective ditch. The pandas clearly had no idea of the danger they were in and approached the human to find out what was going on. Humans have eradicated dozens of species of animals and pandas are clearly on their hit-list. All animals are advised to keep away from humans and leave them to be dealt with by trained combat hippopotamuses.

    1. Shooter

      Re: In other news

      The mere thought of a combat hippo is terrifying!

      1. Alistair Silver badge
        Windows

        Re: In other news

        "The mere thought of a combat hippo is terrifying!"

        Next up on the battlefield ... LASER equipped combat hippos!!! (with added shark)

      2. A.P. Veening

        Re: In other news

        "The mere thought of a combat hippo is terrifying!"

        It should be, there are more people killed yearly in Africa by hippos than by lions and leopard combined.

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

          Re: In other news

          The funny thing is that hippos are also vegetarians. I'm just not sure if anyone's told them that?

          Or maybe they're in that evolutionary stage of active experimentation? "I'm bored of leaves. Let's see what this tastes like?"

          1. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

            Re: In other news

            Hippos obviously attack humans because they think they might be vegans come to steal their food supply.

            1. Mycho Silver badge

              Re: In other news

              In reality, hippos are scared of drying out so if their path to the water is blocked then they will trample everything in their way to get back there. A mature hippo weighs as much as a modern car so if the blockage is a human being then it will quickly resemble a car crash victim.

        2. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          Re: In other news

          >than by lions and leopard combined

          Is that because of poor organisation between teams of lions and leopards preventing them working together ?

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

            Re: In other news

            "Is that because of poor organisation between teams of lions and leopards preventing them working together ?"

            No, it's a union thing. Demarcation lad, demarcation!

      3. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Re: In other news

        Hippos? Maybe rhinos as they seem to be more ill tempered than hippos.

        1. 10forcash Bronze badge

          Re: In other news

          No, definitely Hippo's - although I was chased on a quad bike once by a Rhino...

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: In other news

            "No, definitely Hippo's - although I was chased on a quad bike once by a Rhino..."

            Obviously, I have not been taking enough notice of what the Rhinos have been doing ........ I wonder where they got the quad bike from ???

          2. grumpy-old-person

            Re: In other news

            Never been chased by a white rhino but was scared as hell when a black rhino and calf decided that we were not to be tolerated anywhere near her and offspring (no quadbike).

            Hippo, however are definitely to be avoided - actually saw one chase off a lioness attempting to make a meal of an unsuspecting waterbuck.

            Ignorance is definitely a problem, though, as in my youth (about 40 years ago) my wife and I went walkabout at St Lucia (Natal, South Africa) and despite walking past MANY hippos survived unmolested, which my wife ascribed to them being vegetarians!

      4. sum_of_squares

        Re: In other news

        [quote]The mere thought of a combat hippo is terrifying![/quote]

        What a strange way to spell 'amazing'..

      5. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: In other news

        "The mere thought of a combat hippo is terrifying!"

        Have you ever seen a hippo taking a dump?

        Not only is it quite liquid, but their tail spins like a fan to make sure it spreads far and wide, hence leading to that well known saying shit hitting the fan. It's almost a weapon of mass destruction.

        1. VikiAi Silver badge

          Re: In other news

          And is certainly a weapon of mass distribution!

  9. chivo243 Silver badge
    Pint

    Bamboo and pandas

    Pandas are lazy. They've yet to shed their carnivore digestive system? But gorge themselves on bamboo? Bamboo = Lotus? Only Ulysses really knows...

    1. AS1

      Re: Bamboo and pandas

      Had the same idea, similar to catnip though with a stupefying effect.

      It would be interesting to see if a panda cub was surrogated by another bear species (so no transfer in uterus) and fed bamboo free foodstuff, its behaviour became a more typical of the genus.

      1. A. Coatsworth
        Alert

        Re: Bamboo and pandas

        The panda IS a bear?!

        One of these common pieces of trivia one always hear but never bothers to confirm, was that the panda is more closely related to raccoons than to bears... but it seems this useless sack of bamboo is firmly located within the Ursidae family.

        Kodiaks and Grizzlies (and even Paddington!) are probably very ashamed of having such cousin

        1. Cuddles Silver badge

          Re: Bamboo and pandas

          "One of these common pieces of trivia one always hear but never bothers to confirm, was that the panda is more closely related to raccoons than to bears... but it seems this useless sack of bamboo is firmly located within the Ursidae family."

          The problem is that people confuse two very different animals that share the name "panda". Giant pandas are bears, and there's never really been any question about that. Red pandas, on the other hand, probably aren't. But only probably, because their actual classification has been moved around all over the place and even DNA analysis hasn't really nailed it down. They're probably more closely related to raccoons than bears, but in the past they were put in Ursidae along with giant pandas. At the moment they're generally put in their own family that's closer to raccoons and weasels than anything else, but is different enough to be its own separate thing with just them in it.

          People just seem to get confused by all the shenanigans regarding whether it's a bear or a raccoon or something else, and miss the fact that whatever the red panda might be, it has absolutely nothing to do with giant pandas. Although it probably doesn't help that it's another idiot carnivore that insists on eating bamboo and desperately trying to go extinct.

          1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

            Re: Bamboo and pandas

            So, the conclusions I draw from all of this are the following:

            1. Pluto is a nut

            2. The red panda is a planetessimal

            3. The giant panda is a legume

            4. The zebra is a horse in pyjamams

            5. Hippos are incredibly angry that they can't have bacon, and are dammed if they'll miss out on lovely meat.

            1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

              Re: Bamboo and pandas

              6, And WSL should really be called Gnu/Windows

  10. Wellyboot Silver badge

    Their choice

    Deliberate vegan diet - has anyone tried giving them a bacon sarnie?

    Pehaps they are the first species to identify mankind as the only extinction level threat that needs to be addressed and have evolved 'cuteness' as a response, it seems to be working.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Their choice

      and have evolved 'cuteness' as a response, it seems to be working

      Not as well as the panda chief strategist might have hoped. A quick search indicates that there's 300 pandas in captivity, and perhaps 1,800 in the wild. Tigers, on the other hand, there's an estimated 10,000 in captivity (mostly as "pets" in the US) and maybe 3,800 in the wild.

      I'd say that whatever the tiger strategy is, that's working a whole lot better. I think I should do my bit, apply for a licence and get one and feed it on a diet of Jack Russells, chihuahuas, and other small yappy rodent-dogs.

      1. Roger Lipscombe

        Re: Their choice

        I read Jack Daniels, rather than Jack Russells. Not sure how that would work out, but I think science demands that we find out.

      2. ElReg!comments!Pierre Silver badge

        Re: Their choice

        Jack Russells, chihuahuas, and other small yappy rodent-dogs.

        Putting the Jack Russell (a very energetic and clever hunting dog) in the same category as useless lumps of furry handbag adornments is a bit, erm, surprising, honestly.

    2. Mycho Silver badge

      Re: Their choice

      Given that pandas will eat meat in the wild, on the rare occasion that they can get it, I wonder if the real problem is that we keep feeding them on the starvation diet they've become accustomed to rather than trying to teach them to enjoy a beef wellington. Get them used to the idea and they'll have the legs off that kid next time.

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: Their choice

        No it's all body image shaming.

        Those fascists at the WWF plaster the image of a chubby panda around and all the other pandas are body shamed into eating fsckign bamboo until they can look good in a bikini again.

  11. hfo1

    That's how evolution works

    Rather missing the point of evolution - which is about fitness to survive. In the present world being cute and cuddly is much more useful than being able to catch and eat stuff.

    1. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: That's how evolution works

      Yes, just compare Paris Hilton with Bear Grylls.

      Pint but its not beer...

      1. ElReg!comments!Pierre Silver badge

        Re: That's how evolution works

        just compare Paris Hilton with Bear Grylls.

        Both unable to survive without their 24/7 TV prod crew ?

    2. Mycho Silver badge

      Re: That's how evolution works

      It could be argued that mauling the girl would be a poor evolutionary choice since they'd risk being put down.

  12. Ol'Peculier
    Pint

    Meanwhile in Belfast, chimpanzee's escape from their enclosure, wander around a bit and realise they are better off where they were.

    Not sure what that says about Belfast, maybe they should have gone for a pint in the Crown?

    1. James O'Shea Silver badge
      Angel

      Speaking as someone who escaped Belfast nearly 50 years ago and will never, ever, go back.... how did they tell the difference between the chimp and the other locals? Other than the chimp being smarter and not quite as hairy, that is?

    2. ElReg!comments!Pierre Silver badge

      Freedom is only worth what you make of it. The zoo offers free food and comfy housing, with ample opportunity to make fun of the plebs who pay for it. I will refrain from making a comparison to the Houses but to be honest it's probably too late, that image is already in your brain :p

  13. Groaning Ninny

    Never say no

    I've seen the adverts. Never say no to Panda.

    Here you go.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X21mJh6j9i4

    Makes me laugh.

  14. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    Given their diet they were probably wandering over to look at the stick - it might have been bamboo.

  15. Muscleguy Silver badge
    Boffin

    Get Informed

    It has been found recently that giant pandas are still bears. They supplement their bamboo diet with eggs, nestlings and any other sort of meat bag animals they can catch when they need some haem iron.

    I can guarantee the panda keepers knew this piece of modern biological knowledge which is why they were so concerned and urgently went to rescue her. Because the chances of injury were non zero and understood.

    But then if El Reg understood this then this clickbait article would not be clickbait and nobody would get paid so ignorance is okay then. I despair.

    1. Dr Dan Holdsworth Silver badge

      Re: Get Informed

      Pandas are going down the same sort of evolutionary path as the Ice Age cave bears did; they are becoming grazers. The thing with pandas is that they made the change relatively recently in evolutionary terms; they are still mostly anatomically omnivores with a preference for meat. In captivity they will happily eat meat and do quite well on it too.

      To be honest, if we want pandas to survive as a species, we're going to have to do a spot of genetic engineering. Give them either a hindgut fermentation system such as horses and elephants use, or a foregut fermentation system like cows. If we really want to push the boat out, the gut structure of a koala with both a foregut fermentation system AND hindgut fermentation but with different bacteria in each area is the only way to go, although the other adaptations of koalas, namely a very reduced brain, might be a bit far to go.

      1. Frederic Bloggs

        Re: Get Informed

        And don't forget to include the chlamydia bacteria that seems to help everything along...

      2. lglethal Silver badge
        Mushroom

        Re: Get Informed

        Dear god! You want to mix Panda and Koala DNA - Are you TRYING to create a new species of Drop Bear????

        icon - > The only way to deal with a true Drop Bear infestation...

        1. James O'Shea Silver badge

          Re: Get Informed

          Just ship the pandas to Oz, they'll stop eating bamboo and start eating drop bears.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Get Informed

            "Just ship the pandas to Oz, they'll stop eating bamboo and start eating drop bears."

            I suspect you'll just end up with black and white drop bears. Bamboo is almost nutritious compared to eucalyptus.

            Plus there will be more dead tourists. Because more drop bears.

            1. Nick Ryan Silver badge

              Re: Get Informed

              Giant drop bears. Giant black and white drop bears.

    2. Jemma Silver badge

      Re: Get Informed

      Don't forget the carrion they like which has actually been on an Attenborough doccie-wokkie.

      1. Mycho Silver badge

        Re: Get Informed

        And on youtube, albeit with unimpressive camerawork.

  16. Baldrickk Silver badge
    Unhappy

    Urgh, you're infuriating!

    I recognise the reference, but can't remember where it is from...

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    But wait, there's more

    The question is more how have Panda's survived this long?

    https://giphy.com/gifs/funny-videos-tree-FVJ9fxbjkJ3dm

  18. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge

    Love the clickbait implied in supporting letting them die out.

    I can hear the SJWs screaming - or should that be PJWs?

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I vote for a repeat of the experiment to verify / falsify the "inept species" theory.

    Toss a kid down in a ghillie suit made from fresh bamboo branches. For science, you know...

  20. Simon Harris Silver badge
    Pint

    "They're needlessly picky when it comes to selecting a mate"

    Maybe add some beer into their diet and wait for the goggles to take effect.

  21. johnnyblaze

    I see someone didn't hang about getting a video of the event, which probably was uploaded and viral within 10 minutes. Then the Panda haters and the Panda lovers would have both been up in arms across the Internet - and on TV news within the hour, with petitions for and against exterminating all Pandas. All the while, the EU voted to implement Panda privacy laws at the detrement of the Internet as a whole, and a new Panda tax to ensure this never happens again.

    In the meantime, the Panda becomes an Internet sensation, on the cover of magazines, with Hollywood lining up to make a movies of the drama. The toddler is recast as a 21 year old starlet, and Johnny Depp is in line to play the Panda (with trade-mark eye makeup!). It's in line for an oscar nomination already by all accounts.

    All I can add is - where were this toddlers parents, and why are they incompetent?

    1. 's water music Silver badge
      Thumb Down

      down with milkshake panda

      Fuck him, I found some racist tweets a little way back on his timeline

  22. Alister Silver badge

    delicious kid who fell into enclosure

    I think you are misunderstanding. Just as Pandas are picky about selecting a mate, they are picky about their food too.

    It /was/ a delicious human, but it was a red one, and they don't like the red ones, only the blue or green ones.

  23. Natalie Gritpants Jr

    Can't believe you would prefer that the kid was mauled

    Next time you are near a panda why don't you jump in a pick a fight with one. Make sure a mate is recording it so we can all see how superior you really are.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Can't believe you would prefer that the kid was mauled

      I don't think the article nor comments actually said they PREFERRED that the kid was mauled. But I'd just like to confirm in the case of any doubt that I'd only have been upset if pandas were hurt.

      We've got 7.7 billion humans, many gormless enough to let their kids fall into a pit with wild animals. Losing one as panda food isn't going to give me sleepless nights. But we've only got about 2,000 pandas.

      Next time you are near a panda why don't you jump in a pick a fight with one

      I think you're missing the point. Most of us are smart enough not to jump into a pit with large and potentially dangerous animals, nor let our kids get in.

      1. Mycho Silver badge

        Re: Can't believe you would prefer that the kid was mauled

        Dude, you are taking someone at face value when they are posting as Natalie Gritpants Jr.

  24. TRT Silver badge

    You know from just the headline...

    I was expecting a report about the security software company!

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Boffin

      Re: You know from just the headline...

      The Python package for me...

  25. Phil Endecott Silver badge

    Go and see the pandas

    Like pandas? (Also like trams?) Then you’ll love Bobby Nicholson:

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Nu2R02NaPlw

  26. Evil Auditor Silver badge

    "let them die out"

    Sounds like something Karl Pilkington would say. And probably he did.

  27. Tikimon Silver badge
    Headmaster

    The monsters are gone now, come down!

    Giant pandas clearly are following poor lifestyle choices in an awful environment, and doing poorly as expected. But WHY did they get this way? If a group of once-successful bears moves into a marginal area and starts living on nutrition-poor food, they will not develop into a new species. They will die out instead due to poorly adaptive behaviors. For giant pandas to get where they are, their current lifestyle had to be POSITIVELY adaptive at some point in their past. They had to be more successful than "regular" bears, as weird as that first sounds.

    When does it pay to live somewhere marginal? When the better living conditions are full of monsters or endemic disease. Somewhere in the past, something nasty arrived to decimate panda populations. The survivors were driven up into the mountains, where there's not much high-quality food to eat. Meanwhile down below, the rest of the population was wiped out or driven away. Eking out a bare living beats dying any day. I suggest the giant panda is a survivor of such an event.

    Every giant panda alive is descended from the ones most compelled to live high and eat bamboo, so that lifestyle is very strongly wired into them. The problem is that now the giant panda could be making a better living farther down with a broader diet. The monsters are gone or the epidemic has faded into the background, but the panda keeps living on the fringe. In the new context, their once-successful behavior has become extremely maladaptive.

    This happens in the natural world all the time, and it might require some pretty weird changes to survive. When the crisis has passed, the survivors MAY eventually try different behavior and become better adapted to the changed environment. Some do not and fade away into extinction. Barring a radical change in behavior, the giant panda - in the current conditions - is indeed a failure and would probably die out eventually without human interference or assistance.

    They're miserable losers now, but in the past this lifestyle was their only chance to keep the species alive...

    1. Paul Hovnanian Silver badge

      Re: The monsters are gone now, come down!

      "When the better living conditions are full of monsters or endemic disease. Somewhere in the past, something nasty arrived to decimate panda populations."

      It's possible that the 'monsters' are us. Homo sapiens. A study (summarized in a recent issue of The Economist) hypothesizes that it was the spread of humans that drove pandas into marginal ecosystems. Where the only thing left to eat was bamboo.

      Ancient people and their possible taste for panda meat no longer being an issue, it now appears that pandas might be able to co-exist with us, given their mellow dispositions (as demonstrated by this incident). Many animals that we neither compete with nor consume can adapt to human presence if they become acclimated to us.

      1. jelabarre59 Silver badge

        Re: The monsters are gone now, come down!

        Ancient people and their possible taste for panda meat no longer being an issue, it now appears that pandas might be able to co-exist with us, given their mellow dispositions (as demonstrated by this incident). Many animals that we neither compete with nor consume can adapt to human presence if they become acclimated to us.

        Let them work as phone support techs for a while. That will cure their mellow dispositions.

  28. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    a) Pandas not = bears except by stupid genetic "theory" rejected by awoke scientists

    2) Rub the kid with bamboo juice first next time you toss one in the enclosure.

    1. Stevie Silver badge

      Re: Bah!

      Attention downvoters! Any time the zoologic geneticists use the term "Living Fossil" it means they haven't the faintest idea where to stick the animal in question in the big branchy diagram of life.

      And they use that term for both Giant Pandas *and* Red Pandaraccoons.

      It is the genetic equivalent of throwing up one's hands and just hard-coding "true".

      With respect to the Giant Panda, the classification of "bear" is actually one of "common ancestor with bears if we look back to the days of sloths the size of schoolbuses" and horses the size of greyhounds.

  29. Inspector71
    IT Angle

    Come on then...

    Pandas so useless.....even mentions of Red Pandas in the comments.

    There must be a Mozilla gag in there somewhere.....

  30. This post has been deleted by its author

  31. pyite42

    Pandas are vegetarians

    Duh

  32. Claverhouse Bronze badge

    Maybe next time an idiot kid goes into an animal pit, let them go with a degree of dignity.

  33. Simon B-52

    History ?

    Harambe was due to die for organ harvesting anyway, as its tissue had tested as being compatible with that of another Panda who was a senior member of the local communist party.

    The child was the offspring of two Falun Gong members who had already been harvested. Zoo management had hoped that a tastey red meat snack might arouse Harambe's libido, in the same way that powdered rhino horn affects humans, but the experiment was sabotaged by the premature action of the slaughterman employed to kill him.

  34. NanoMeter

    The IT angle...

    Love the IT angle!

  35. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge
    Mushroom

    Bamboozled

    The author has clearly never lived next to bamboo. Crap, if I left my car parked for three days it would look a pinned butterfly specimen. Yes, it was on pavement.

    Bamboo doesn't care. The pandas are our only chance of survival against bamboo.

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