back to article Techies tinker with toilet-topper to turn it into ticker-tracker

For many people, the toilet is a place of quiet contemplation, somewhere to escape the pressures of work or home for a while. But that might be over soon – as boffins eye up the data they can collect while you're sitting on the throne. As if connecting your fridge, TV, vacuum cleaner and dog to the internet weren't enough, the …

  1. Steven Raith

    Sounds like....

    ....a load of old crap, to me.

    I mean, they're taking the piss, right?

    Steven "I'm so sorry" R

    1. Matthew 3

      Re: Sounds like....

      They're getting bogged down in the details.

      1. Steven Raith

        Re: Sounds like....

        I'm getting flushed just thinking about the implications.

    2. J. Cook Silver badge

      Re: Sounds like....

      Steven "I'm so sorry" R

      Suuuuuuure you are... :)

    3. mosw

      Re: Sounds like....

      Sounds like the Smart Pipe(TM)

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJklHwoYgBQ

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Stroke volume"

    *cough* I had to go and educate myself on these measurements because my initial reading of that sentence suggested something way different.

    1. chivo243 Silver badge

      Re: "Stroke volume"

      Strokes while pushing too hard are common. I learned it from Mulder, who learned it from Scully...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "Stroke volume"

      Is this compliant with new age verification requirements or is this a method of detecting violations?

  3. chivo243 Silver badge
    Coat

    I would report the typo

    various "-ograms" orgasm?

  4. Rich 11 Silver badge

    ballistocardiogram

    I've never heard of one of those before. Still, at least there's no sign of the senso-loo incorporating a ballistocoprogram.

    1. Spanners Silver badge
      Boffin

      Re: ballistocardiogram

      The ballistics of poo? 250 mg at 3.5 m/s OK but getting maximum range involves sending it at +45 degrees. I am not shure my loo seat is designed for that...

    2. TRT Silver badge

      Re: ballistocardiogram

      Interesting technology, but it'll be a flash in the pan.

    3. macjules Silver badge

      Re: ballistocardiogram

      As any Briton kno:

      var x = quantity of last night's curry consumed in pounds, presumed to be a standard volume once processed.

      var y = quantity of beer consumed last night in pints, which causes dilution of density of x

      var z = achieved position above or upon the throne immediately prior to release, in inches

      var s = strength of curry: 1 being lowest to 5 being Vindaloo+ (required for speed calculation)

      var m = x * y

      var f = z/s² (strength squared)

      Thus ballistic force is a simple Newtonian calculation of m * f

      I presume that "ballistocardiogram" is the recording the loo seat makes of the speed you were ejected off the seat at?

      1. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

        We've had the max velocity of sheep in a vacuum

        How about adding a few more measurements to the Register System of Units?

        Will we see a definition for Cable Length?

        Is there a new pressure unit - the grunt strain, perhaps.

        And what about all the Ograms, that'll need a raft of new units.

        Or is that a shit idea?

      2. This post has been deleted by its author

  5. Alister Silver badge

    I wonder if the willing volunteers were a representative sample of the expected target for this monitoring- that is, someone suffering from chronic heart problems - or whether they were a bunch of young undergrads. I would suggest that if the latter, it invalidates the testing, as the ability to accurately monitor blood-flow and ecg will be much more of a challenge in older patients, who may well suffer from poor circulation which will be exacerbated by sitting on a toilet seat.

    1. Paul Kinsler

      a representative sample

      Nevertheless, starting out on some easily measureable subjects is a good strategy for initial testing of the concept, before you move on to all the tricky cases you hope to work with eventually.

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: a representative sample

        "before you move on to all the tricky cases you hope to work with eventually"

        Such working out who it is that's sitting there.

        1. Mark 85 Silver badge

          Re: a representative sample

          Just taking the time to log into your secure IToC (Internet of thing Crapper) could create more problems and stress than it solves.

  6. TRT Silver badge

    These advances apply only to "Western"-style toilets.

    For most of the world, this isn't going to mean squat.

    1. Spanners Silver badge
      Holmes

      Re: These advances apply only to "Western"-style toilets.

      They could possibly get the same results from the reflection of a laser.

      The image of that is pretty worrying though...

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: These advances apply only to "Western"-style toilets.

        If you tinker with the wavelength though... use a brown laser.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: These advances apply only to "Western"-style toilets.

        I wonder if they get resonance in the amplifier circuit for the transducer? They could use a laser pickup as a ring eliminator, I suppose.

    2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: These advances apply only to "Western"-style toilets.

      For most of the world, this isn't going to mean squat.

      Wait! There is a movement to change the way you poo...

      https://www.theguardian.com/news/2018/nov/30/bowel-movement-change-the-way-you-poo-squatty-potty-toilet

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: These advances apply only to "Western"-style toilets.

        Straight up? Wow.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Minor? That depends..

    urination and defecation put minor stress on the body

    In my experience, the amount of stress can vary greatly. Not only does your intake matter, also the manner and timing/timeliness of expulsion can greatly contribute to stress levels. Even the very event may prove stressful. For instance, if it's explosive and unplanned I think stress levels may reach well beyond "minor", especially if there are no trouser clips handy.

    These people need to travel a bit more :)

    1. Tikimon Silver badge

      Re: Minor? That depends..

      "In my experience, the amount of stress can vary greatly." No kidding! When I've speed-walked the dog the last half-mile home, or dart into the house form the car having barely made it, you can bet my heart is pounding. All manner of stress bubbling around due to fighting an unplanned emergence.

      And yanno, once you get past the WTF? factor, this is a pretty good idea.

  8. Muscleguy Silver badge

    But what if you have a dicky ticker and you have constipation? the latter is common amongst the older persons.

    And what about us athletic types. I have a large, healthy, well used heart with athletic syndrome which means it has the luxury of getting funky at rest with re-entrant phenomena quite common. Passing solids is a parasympathetic thing, you have to be relaxed or nothing happens so such a device is guaranteed to finger my ticker as delinquent.

    I had it checked out fairly recently by 24hr ECG because the funkiness had changed, fewer extrasystoles and more atrial flutters. Just an age thing with athletic hearts was the verdict. I can still thrash myself hard up steep hills and 220 minus age for maximum heart rate is still a fiction for me. My running watch keeps putting me there every birthday and I have to put it back up to reality or those hills will have me at 120% heart rate.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      easy peasy Rx

      here Ya go, MG...cheers

      ' atrial fibrillation magnesium deficiency'

      https://www.google.com/search?q=atrial+fibrillation+magnesium+deficiency

      About 457,000 results

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      https://drsircus.com/magnesium/transdermal-magnesium-therapy-2-2/

  9. oiseau Silver badge
    Flame

    Dickheads

    Hello:

    A group of well-intentioned academics dickheads have created a toilet seat that will monitor ...

    There you go.

    Makes you think though: instead of happily wasting all that money and resources ...

    How about creating something that will economically solve the lack of potable water that still is the direct source of infant death in more than a 1/3 of the world's population in the f*cking 21st century?

    O.

    1. cosymart
      Mushroom

      Re: Dickheads

      They won't get funding for that :-(

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Dickheads

      > How about creating something that will economically solve the <insert pet peeve here>

      Yes, because solving the world's problems, one at a time, in series, is a sensible thing to do.

    3. MOH

      Re: Dickheads

      Why waste time posting comments when you could be off solving the same problem?

    4. imanidiot Silver badge

      Re: Dickheads

      The solutions exist. It's mostly politics and logistics that get in the way.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    His / Hers / Other

    Presumably, when these loos make it out to the real world, there will need to be [HIS], [HERS] and [OTHER] so that loo knows who to record the results against?

    Three buttons - will they be shaped like shells?

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: His / Hers / Other

      Three buttons - will they be shaped like shells?

      Corncobs perhaps?

    2. David 132 Silver badge

      Re: His / Hers / Other

      Anonymous Coward, you are fined one half-credit for a violation of the verbal morality statute...

  11. phuzz Silver badge
    Happy

    "Sorry I had to spend so long on my loo-break boss, the toilet didn't seem to be able to get a good reading..."

  12. JulieM Silver badge

    Toilet Seats

    All I want from the toilet seat of tomorrow is improved thermal properties; a low thermal conductivity and a low heat capacity.

    Picture the scene. It's a cold Winter's day, and I've been trying to put business off as long as possible; but now there is no way to continue to pretend the situation is anything shy of urgent. Unfortunately, by this time, the quantity involved is now greater than can be disposed of in the time for which my leg muscles can reliably maintain me in a "hover"; thus requiring actual bum-to-seat contact.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Toilet Seats

      JulieM,

      "All I want from the toilet seat of tomorrow is improved thermal properties; a low thermal conductivity and a low heat capacity."

      Already available for at least the past 30+ years ...... Plastic loo seats, with the right plastic it is never cold !!!

      Any problems with heat retention from previous 'users' can be solved with a can of compressed air which will 'chill' down the seat if used carefully without risk of 'freezing'.

      Simples.

      :)

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "clinical grade accuracy was achieved for all of the seat measurements when compared to their respective gold standards"

    So, in comparison to der Trumpenfuhrer's golden shitter?

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      I thought it was someone else who had that gold one.

      1. Zarno

        Yeah, I seem to remember it being a jewelers, where you had to have spent over some value with them in a single purchase to use the solid gold toilet in the solid gold bathroom with gemstone encrusted solid gold everything.

        Or maybe?

        "

        Austin: Who are you, baby?

        Ivana: Ivana. Ivana Humpalot.

        Austin: Excuse me?

        Ivana: Ivana Humpalot.

        Austin: And I Vanna toilet made out of solid gold, but its just not in the cards now, is it? [laughs]

        "

  14. fidodogbreath Silver badge

    Internet of Stinks

    I'm assuming this product will be distributed by TP-Link....

  15. JohnFen Silver badge
    Go

    Almost here...

    The day is almost here when they'll be offering actual internet-connected anal probes for everybody.

    (I joke -- this seat seems like a very rare thing these days: a good and justifiable use of surveillance technology.)

  16. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    What a crock of fertilizer.

  17. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    By tapping the toilet seat, patients don't have to remember to monitor their heart rates

    Surely their research will have flagged up that anything involving moving the seat either up or down in stipulated ways is doomed to failure?

  18. David 132 Silver badge
    Trollface

    Tech support?

    If you have a problem using this, will technical support ask to see the logs?

  19. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

    You're holding it wrong.

    1. JohnFen Silver badge

      You're holding it.

      Wrong.

  20. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
    Coat

    Log In - Log Out

    That is all.

  21. Vlad
    Joke

    Are they going to.....

    write a faeces on it?

  22. pavsmith

    Immediate feedback

    Does the loo seat, when you get up, animate and say things like "heyyyy! Blood pressure is down today! Well done! I see you're also eating more fibre!"?

  23. Bernard Peek

    Smart Home

    In a fully automated smart-home if your bog catches you straining Cortana will add All-Bran to your online shopping order.

  24. DropBear Silver badge

    Nope

    Any piece of technology trying to monitor/read any aspect of my health will find it is much more difficult to perform its function with an axe embedded in it, in short order. Do not want. My health basically never existed as such, and I don't want any further complication detected and announced to me any sooner than absolutely unavoidable. Yes, it's a conscious choice trading whatever hypothetical extension could be obtainable for a significantly less miserable existence up to that point, both in a physical and psychological sense. YMMV, feel free to disagree all you want and live your life any way you see fit, but I'm not taking advice concerning mine. Particularly not from a toilet seat...

  25. Pete4000uk

    Cant even...

    ... have a shit without being monitored!

    Although I suppose it could be good for some people

  26. Andytug
    Joke

    Diagnosis...

    ...my arse.

  27. TrumpSlurp the Troll Silver badge
    Trollface

    I'm significantly impressed

    That the testers (bare arsed for good contact, presumably) managed to assume the position without producing anything.

    I would have expected ingrained instinct to have taken over.

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