back to article CES flicks the off switch on massager award… and causes a buzz

Withdrawal at the last moment isn't the most reliable method of avoiding trouble or embarrassment. This was certainly the experience at CES this year when judges very suddenly rescinded an Innovation Award it had given for Lora DiCarlo's Osé Robotic Massager. You may argue such a blatant reverse gerbil only lays bare that the …

  1. caffeine addict Silver badge

    Americans say "medder-dayder"

    Do they?

    When they say "dahta"?

    *sceptical face*

    1. Rameses Niblick the Third Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble? Silver badge

      When they say "dahta"?

      I thought it sounded more like they said "dadda", which always amused me.

    2. Nick Kew Silver badge

      Note how his metadata morphs - from sensible comment to a proxy for recursion - as the article progresses. The pronunciation nonsense, along with the recursion, is space filler for an article whose contents and wordcount were mismatched.

      1. veti Silver badge

        Have a heart. Anyone can produce a decent rant from time to time, but doing it every week to contract is genuinely hard.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "Do they?

      When they say "dahta"?

      *sceptical face*"

      There is more than one North American accent.

      If someone from Kentucky - that's Kay-un-tah-kee to you - says "metadata" you'll just have time for a quick loo trip before they finish. While a proper Noo Yoiker will have it all out in an aural burp so brief the sound will be blue shifted.

      I recognise the Dabbs version, but yours is surely more educated East Coast?

      1. caffeine addict Silver badge

        I promise you that nothing of mine is educated.

        I've got the certificates paperwork to prove it.

      2. Trilkhai

        Exactly. Here in California, the rare times I do hear the word pronounced, "meta" is said "metuh" ('e' as in 'end' + 'a' as in 'was') and "data" as either "daytah" (1st 'a' as in 'late' + 2nd 'a' as in 'aardvark').

        I wonder which accent Dabbs was thinking of as being "American"...

      3. Jeffrey Nonken Silver badge

        New Englanders will likely pronounce it medda dayda. Since there is no R in either word, Bostoners won't be leaving it out.

        I could be wrong about the long A in data. I'm not actually from New England*, so my accent has variants, and it's possible that's one I don't know about. But that's how I pronounce it.

        *Both parents grew up in Pittsfield. I inherited the accent and the attitude. I even drive like them.

    4. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Back in the 70's I worked for a large company in the US Midwest. Data was pronounced "day-ter day-ter". Sometimes pronounced very fast and other times it was slow and drawn out. For some reason it had be pronounced that way and twice. Local cultures here can be confusing.

      1. Waseem Alkurdi Silver badge

        But twice?

        Seriously asking: what's the point?

        1. Michael Wojcik Silver badge

          Redundancy, in case one packet gets dropped.

        2. Mark 85 Silver badge

          I think the early users of the double working liked the way it rolled off the tongue, but <shrugs> who knows. Local lingo is what it is.

    5. Marshalltown

      Northeast US

      Metadata is said differently in different parts of the US. The "-ar" for "-ah" substitution is typical of the Northeast (New England) which was settled by folks from a different part of England, than other states, some of which were mainly settled by folks that were not from England. In California the pronunciation - except by foreigners - is "metah daytah". The occasional academic will piss and moan about whether it should be "dahtah" instead.

  2. Rameses Niblick the Third Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble? Silver badge

    So much innuendo...

    ...that I've come over all peculiar, I think I'll go and have a stiff one and a lie down.

    1. Annihilator

      Re: So much innuendo...

      Having a stiff one would hopefully put a stop to any of the soup-skimming that was cautioned against...

  3. chivo243 Silver badge
    Coat

    nobody performs well when put in a difficult position.

    Shouldn't info like this be kept private?!

    My coat with a copy of Kama sutra in the pocket...

    1. quxinot Silver badge

      Re: nobody performs well when put in a difficult position.

      And that logically progresses to the best XKCD ever:

      https://xkcd.com/414/

  4. RobThBay

    Leaflet promoting leaflet delivery

    "...someone puts a leaflet through your letterbox to advertise a service for putting leaflets through people's letterboxes..."

    I had that happen yesterday.

    :)

    It looks like Alistar had a lot of fun writing this article. He has such a great way with words.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Leaflet promoting leaflet delivery

      I have the opposite problem. Couldn't find a local company to put leaflets through letterboxes, so I had to do a leaflet drop to locate one.

  5. Potemkine! Silver badge

    Osé

    The real indecency is in CES behavior. Sex is good, not bad. It even enables humans to reproduce.

    1. Stumpy

      Re: Osé

      It even enables humans to reproduce.

      ... even those that shouldn't.

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Osé

        ... even those that shouldn't.

        Hang on.. I'm getting the colour orange with a hint of petulance..

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Osé

      True, but I have the impression this device is to help get the pleasurable effects without the downsides of reproduction. In fact, it's just a small step on the way to a world with no men.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Osé

        " In fact, it's just a small step on the way to a world with no men."

        ...and eventually no women. Although I believe that there has been some success with turning a female's stem cells into fertilisers for ova.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Geordie?

    Are you confusing Geordie wth Cockney? Lots of modern urban accents replace [t] with a glottal stop, but I don't think people in Newcastle are more likely to do that than people from any other big city. Or are they? Can someone clarify?

    By the way, I am getting very bored of The Register's tedious images of open-mouthed women that hev nowt to dee with the story, like.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Geordie?

      It's a story that makes early reference to a remote control feminine personal massager. The photo is of an open-mouthed woman using a smartphone in bed. Do I need to explain further? Good job I didn't use the photo of the cat...

  7. Steve Button

    They fail to have grasped the point

    Probably just as well in a nudist restaurant.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Nudist restaurants

    Isn't the point that nobody really wants to get undressed to eat somewhere like Paris which on the whole is cold and rainy?

    It's not out of place in some Mediterranean naturist resort -but there it's just a restaurant, nothing special.

    One assumes the attraction was supposed to be the frisson of naughtiness - but in 2018 that's surely not much of a motivator. In fact I think it's just a symptom of the fact that we have now reached peak peak - nowhere to go but down in any direction in search of kink. It'll be back to dinner jackets before long.

    1. Semtex451 Silver badge
      Holmes

      Re: Nudist restaurants

      "It'll be back to dinner jackets before long".

      And I for one can't wait.

    2. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Nudist restaurants

      >>

      Isn't the point that nobody really wants to get undressed to eat somewhere like Paris which on the whole is cold and rainy?

      >>

      I suspect it was an indoor restaurant rather than nudist streetfood. Now *there's* a concept for Shoreditch.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Nudist restaurants

        "I suspect it was an indoor restaurant rather than nudist streetfood."

        Well, I realise that. It's just that to my simple mind if you've come out of cold rainy streets, eating in a restaurant would surely come a long way down the list of things to do with your clothes off? A long way after swimming pool, sauna or Turkish bath, anyway.

        Shoreditch though, who can tell what might succeed there? The last time I drove through there late on a winter evening there seemed to be an awful lot of young ladies around who were trying for hypothermia.

        1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: Nudist restaurants

          awful lot of young ladies around who were trying for hypothermia

          Round here, it's not just the young ladies..

          It seems to be a peculiar affliction of the young.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Nudist restaurants

      "Isn't the point that nobody really wants to get undressed to eat somewhere like Paris which on the whole is cold and rainy?"

      While warmer weather does make cold food more appealing to avoid any nasty spills of hot soup, I'm sure the restaurant could make appropriate menu changes to avoid too many H&S issues... Unless you count potentially losing your lunch as an H&S issue...

    4. Mark 85 Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Nudist restaurants

      It'll be back to dinner jackets before long.

      Just a dinner jacket? What.. no tie????

      Icon: Looking for the tie clip and something to clip it to.

    5. Version 1.0 Silver badge

      Re: Nudist restaurants

      It may be a nudist restaurant (no problem, I'd eat there) but I'll bet the cooks are dressed ... a nudist salad is easy, but frying is risky - don't ask me how I know...

  9. Kubla Cant Silver badge

    arrived in a mini to collect a double bed

    He doesn't need metadata, he needs basic experience of the world, or perhaps an IQ to make use of that experience. All double beds are the same size (except for the ones that are even bigger) and none of them would fit in a Mini.

    1. Fred Dibnah Silver badge

      Just give it time and it will fit, Minis are getting larger and more ridiculous by the week. Alec Issigonis must be turning in his grave.

      1. Rameses Niblick the Third Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble? Silver badge

        Just give it time and it will fit, Minis are getting larger and more ridiculous by the week. Alec Issigonis must be turning in his grave.

        And not just Minis either, Ford Ka's are now bigger than old Fiestas, Nissan Micra's are huge and the other day I was nearly run over by someone driving what I first thought to be a bus, but had "Fiat 500" written on the back of it! A car originally smaller than a mini is now larger than a Land Rover Defender. The mind boggles.

        1. 's water music Silver badge

          I saw a original and faux Fiat 500 pull up alongside one another a a set of traffic lights once. Instructive. The newer Mega-Minis aren't even particularly small by new car standards any more

          1. GruntyMcPugh Silver badge

            @'s water music

            Similarly recently saw a new, big Mini parked alongside the new Mini, and thought I was having a brain fart as the furthest was the biggest.

      2. Rich 11 Silver badge

        Alec Issigonis must be turning in his grave.

        A three-point turn.

        1. Gotno iShit Wantno iShit

          A three-point turn.

          Nah, you'll get round in one in a real mini.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            "Nah, you'll get round in one in a real mini."

            Or in a Triumph Herald/Vitesse - with tyre squeal at 5km/h.

          2. Dog Eatdog

            I found my old Mini could turn within its own length with proper use of the handbrake.

    2. Oengus

      That is what roof racks are for. I have put very large items on roof racks of a very small car before. In my younger days I carried a 2 metre high, 1.2 metre wide bookshelf on a Triumph Herald. The same car also carried a full size wardrobe, double bed and other furniture when I moved house and was too poor to pay a removalist.

      1. Stork Silver badge

        Hah - a Danish Finn dinghy champion used to transport his boat on top of a Mini, at least that's the story (and as my dad used to say, it is ok not to be exact with facts when it is for entertainment purposes). Hull weight is 107kg, which I would think makes the experience interesting.

        1. herman Silver badge

          Atlas

          Well, I’d rather heave a 107 kg boat onto a mini, than onto a minivan. My 25 kg canoe is difficult enough already.

  10. JeffyPoooh Silver badge
    Pint

    Quoting BBC and others...

    On this very topic:

    "So you put it in for an award..."

    "It fills a space..."

    "The device was withdrawn..."

    "The product does not fit..."

    "Ose [<- the device] clearly fits..."

    "...women....should be....claiming our space..."

    El Reg, "[N] thumbs up" Careful now...

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  11. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

    Metadata

    Some websites can't even get ordinary data right, let alone the metadata. I recently tried to order a box for an electronics project from an electronics website. First I had the meta issue, was I looking for a case, box, instrument case, or an enclosure? Having tried to resolve that I then went looking for something that was about 20cm x 15cm, and 8-10cm high. I clicked the "width" menu., only to be offered a list of dozens of options such as 19.8cm, 19.9cm, 21.8cm and so on. Much further down in the three-digit section I then also found 210mm, 225mm, etc. Was there a simple "between x & y"? Nope.

    Of course, that wouldn't have helped, since a search for a box/case/enclosure that was 20cm wide and 15cm long wouldn't have returned one that was 20cm long and 15cm wide.

    I gave up and bought some sheet aluminium from a hardware store & made my own. Fortunately no nudity was required, or offered.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Metadata

      I've never met a data I didn't like.

      1. Tim99 Silver badge
        Headmaster

        Re: Metadata

        Met a datum.

        Whoosh...

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Re: Metadata

          Is that red-um Indian information about 1970s clichés-um?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Metadata

      Or like the Amazon approach whereby they can't tell you how much floor space that jumbo floor jigsaw puzzle for your two-year-old will need, but they can tell me down to the nearest millimetre exactly how big the box it comes in is. Useful...

  12. Ima Ballsy
    Facepalm

    I Went ....

    To the website indicated, and thought it said "product designed for hands-free BLENDOR orgasms", and I'm thinking OUCH !!!!

    I guess I need to go get that second cup of Coffee ....

  13. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
    Headmaster

    What's in a name?

    Verily, I am the literary equivalent of an embarrassing robotic vibrator.

    Well you've always referred to yourself as a "a freelance technology tart", so what'd you expect?

    Not to say that it wouldn't be a great line to have on your business card, somewhat like the "consultant nymphomaniac" ones that a female friend of mine occasionally used to use when she was feeling wicked...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: What's in a name?

      "Not to say that it wouldn't be a great line to have on your business card, [...]"

      An old friend from Israel came for a visit. She showed me her business card for her new career. As it was in Hebrew she translated it for me. She said "Sexologist"*** in a accent that was pure Maureen Lipman - and then wondered why I collapsed into giggles. I had to find YouTube to explain to her about gaining an "ology" certificate.

      ***The role was as a sex therapy advisor for married couples.

  14. Spazturtle Silver badge

    There were a few issues with this device that could have raised concern.

    First it was an insertable device, these always have heath risks associated with them, insertables should always be boil cleaned between use.

    Secondly it was an insertable device with a battery inside, this means the device now has the possibility of causing serious harm or death.

    And lastly it could be remotely controlled, which is a security risk.

    1. Ken Hagan Gold badge
      Unhappy

      And yet ... even at the second attempt, CES failed to come up with any of those excuses.

    2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Joke

      security risk

      And lastly it could be remotely controlled, which is a security risk.

      Don't even go there - next thing our politicians will be drafting legislation to ban the operation of remote controlled dronesdildos within 5km of an airport.

      No doubt the military will be called upon to deploy top secret dildo jamming technology

      1. Unicornpiss Silver badge
        Coat

        Gently does it.. at least at first

        "No doubt the military will be called upon to deploy top secret dildo jamming technology"

        If you're jamming it, you're using it wrong..

        1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
          Alert

          Re: Gently does it.. at least at first

          If you're jamming it, you're using it wrong..

          "A spoonful of lube makes the dildo pop-in"

          as our nanny used to sing when she thought we were not within earshot

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "First it was an insertable device, these always have heath risks associated with them, insertables should always be boil cleaned between use."

      Does that apply when it's only used by one person? I don't try to boil clean my hearing aid inserts. Or, thinking about it, spoons.

      As for the battery, one would imagine overheating would be detected with plenty of time to extract.

  15. Dr_N Silver badge

    "which looks like a black-and-white photo of a Great Dane turd”

    New app oppo: DogEggr

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    de-possesionising

    Trying this at the moment - so far we've moved ~70 board games, some dating back to the 1960s, from the loft to the garage.

    I *think* this is progress...

  17. TrumpSlurp the Troll Silver badge
    Gimp

    No dildo no cry....

    The bit so far not referred to was that in previous years there had been male orientated sex toys, including (allegedly) VR porn and sex dolls.

    So claims of discrimination seem justified.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    in an attempt to out meta my brother ...

    ... i took a sneaky 3D scan of the door of his fridge, with all his kids stuff, memorabilia etc, stuck all over it. Currently some cheeky little outfit is turning the scan into a fridge magnet to be mailed to him, without a word of explanation or any indication as to from whom it originates.

  19. gypsythief

    I'm So Meta, Even This Article

    C'mon, with all this talk of meta, shirley someone else noticed?

    https://xkcd.com/917/

  20. doublelayer Silver badge

    Sales site categorization

    I've been trying to sell some secondhand network equipment for a friend's charity which does not need it anymore, but I have had difficulty when I posted it under electronics, my reasoning being that it wasn't a computer in and of itself, and that it wasn't exactly accurate to classify it as computer parts. So I waited for a while in the hopes that someone would see it in electronics, but no luck. Then I looked at the things being sold in the computers category. There are a number of computers, but there are various other things. I suppose I can accept that people sell printers and monitors there, after all they are devices that you use with and only with computers, although I still reductively think they should really be somewhere else. I'm not going to fight that battle though because I first have to fight the people selling as computers (these are all real things posted in the past week) printer paper, cameras, bare electric cable, and empty enclosures that once had computer components in them but now do not. Some attempts to categorize just don't work. Whether this is the fault of the options for categories or the people who choose which one to use is an exercise for the reader. In the meantime, does anyone need some switches? Nobody bought them when I reposted them as computers.

    1. TechnicalBen Silver badge

      Re: Sales site categorization

      Best one is, when you go to "Mobile phones" and get nothing but phone cases. When you go to "phone cases" get nothing but replacement screens, and when go to "phone screens" get nothing but the same phone case, but listed in 1000 different grades of "pink".

      Also known as "Amazon".

      1. Waseem Alkurdi Silver badge

        Re: Sales site categorization

        Also known as eBay.

        I've resorted to searching by name and filtering by priciest first then going a few result pages forward.

        Especially works for phones.

        1. Norman Nescio Silver badge

          Re: Sales site categorization

          What would actually be useful is full text search, with booleans, of a free text field describing the object. Categories are nearly always 'fuzzy' and subject to ambiguity and misuse. You could always add category fields if you thought they might be useful, but as an addition to, not a replacement for free text search. Of course, that might founder on people's ability to write cogent, correct, brief descriptions of items. Many good ideas, on meeting the public, retire to plant cabbages in their gardens.

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

            Re: Sales site categorization

            "What would actually be useful is full text search, with booleans, of a free text field describing the object. Categories are nearly always 'fuzzy' and subject to ambiguity and misuse."

            Sounds like an excellent use case for what currently passes for AI these days. It would have a much wider and more immediate use for a far wider range of people than so-called autonomous cars. But it's probably not "sexy" enough for the millennial devs (or lucrative enough!)

            1. Waseem Alkurdi Silver badge

              Re: Sales site categorization

              or lucrative enough!

              I second that.

              Three years ago, I participated in Microsoft Imagine Cup. We were told to focus on how the idea would be a good business opportunity, rather than focusing on the idea itself.

  21. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    John Foxx

    Thanks Dabbsie.

  22. Oengus

    Recent example I saw

    I was at a local car parts place recently. A guy turned up in a near new BMW M4 (coupe) to collect the Christmas present his wife had bought him. She had thought long and hard and had found a Rolling tool cabinet with multiple drawers. I was in a smallish hatchback. I watched the shop attendant and the guy try to wrestle the toolbox into the back of the M4. They even tried removing all of the ancillaries to make the cabinet smaller to no avail. There was no way that the tool cabinet was going to fit... Laughingly I looked at my car which is much smaller, but could easily fit the tool cabinet, and offered to swap... After 30 minutes of trying different things including investigating if they could fit the cabinet through the front seats they decided it was never going to fit and the guy left to see if he could organise a ute (pickup) or station wagon (estate car).

    1. Waseem Alkurdi Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Recent example I saw

      Ahhhhh, the word 'ute' ... been eight years since I last heard it!

      You're from Australia, right?

  23. Disk0
    Pint

    I hereby grant you this

    Award for bringing a semblance of glee to those damaged and severely jaded individuals stoking the kettles of the metadata machine. Print and frame as you please!

  24. Celeste Reinard

    Going metaballistic

    "A particularly optimistic buyer asked if she could send her boyfriend over on a moped to collect a wardrobe."

    Now there's an idea that gave me a good buzz. ... You have a moped to go with the wardrobe? I send my boyfriend over to come and collect. I believe you live in a different country from me?

  25. Teiwaz Silver badge

    Metadata shortfall?

    As you suggested, most people look at any given picture and merely skim the text, actually absorbing and processing none of it.

    Given full and accurate details down to size and material composition is largely irrelevant if the wetware is just going to ignore it.

    1. Stork Silver badge

      Re: Metadata shortfall?

      We have learned that the hard way. For the guest at our lodging, we write carefully worded instructions in our emails, have an FAQ on our website, and we still get asked when they can check in.

      Do NOT count on people reading anything.

  26. Chairman of the Bored Silver badge

    Wait, the authorities closed...

    ...a French nudist restaurant?

    That must've been a hairy experience.

    I'll get my coat, its the one with the hydraulic apparatus in the pocket.

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Wait, the authorities closed...

      "...a French nudist restaurant?

      That must've been a hairy experience."

      Closing down a Brazilian nudist restaurant would be a much smoother affair

      icon: Mackintosh

      1. Waseem Alkurdi Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: Wait, the authorities closed...

        Are you sure it's a mackintosh, not a Macintosh?

  27. 89724102172714182892114I7551670349743096734346773478647892349863592355648544996312855148587659264921 Bronze badge

    What did the leper say to the prostitute?

    "Keep the tip."

    1. JulieM Silver badge

      While we're telling sex work jokes.....

      Q. What did the famous Belgian impressionist painter René Magritte say when the prostitute to whom he had just paid €50 for a blow job, pulled a knife on him and demanded he hand over the rest of his money?

      A. Ceci n'est pas un pipe!

  28. Is AC used?
    Coat

    Underpants!

    Well, because somebody had to. We all sang it that way.

    Underpass - The main single lifted from the seminal (ooer) album Metamatic by John Foxx.

  29. devTrail

    Publicity stunt

    Withdrawing the prize was the best publicity stunt they could have ever hoped for. By 'they' I mean both the inventor of the toy and the CES that this year in not making a lot of headlines, the killer app was missing so they had to kill something.

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