back to article Steamer closets, flying cars, robot boxers, smart-mock-cock ban hypocrisy – yes, it's the worst of CES this year

It's this year's Consumer Electronics Show (CES) in Las Vegas this week – and you know what that means… Yes, lots of new laptops and TVs that are a little bit more powerful and slightly shinier than last year but with a higher price tag. If that doesn't sound exciting, it's because it's not. Which is why CES always makes room …

  1. Scott 26
    Headmaster

    > Still, cool though. Which clearly separates it from the dull-but-worthy laptops,

    > the terrible boxing kits, the mold-inducing clothes rack, and the immoral

    > vagina-simulator.

    Given the device in question is "for her", shouldn't that last bit be "and the immoral vagina-stimulator."

    1. Allan George Dyer Silver badge
      Boffin

      But the stimulator in question isn't at the show. Maybe the simulators are, in which case, being cool would not be an accurate simulation, and could be considered a turn-off.

    2. MyffyW Silver badge

      I, for one, welcome Ms Lora Haddock's most efficacious apparatus.

      I may be a couple of minutes late for my next meeting...

      1. tiggity Silver badge

        Or wear it in the meeting & activate if / when meeting gets boring

        1. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

          Since it substitutes for what mouth and hands can do (*), it ought to be able to participate in business meetings on your behalf. Particularly if you already have to treat your boss n the way this wonder machine is designed to.

          (*) It seems to me that it should look much more like an excited squid. Maybe it does when you take the cap off?

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            An excited squid? «shudders»

            They have a sharp beak, you know (amongst many other reasons why this is not something you would want to consider)!

          2. RLWatkins

            That depends on what a squid looks like when it's excited, doesn't it?

            And I'm afraid to ask how you do know how one looks.... [grin]

        2. MyffyW Silver badge

          @tiggity nice idea, but I suspect that might prove rather more entertaining for the other attendees.

  2. veti Silver badge

    The problem with flying cars

    ... will be exactly the same as the problem with regular cars: it's really cool and exciting to imagine having one, until you realise that when that happens, there's no way to stop every other bugger from having them as well.

    What we need is more inventions that don't suffer from this kind of reverse network effect. Where's my Orgasmatron?

    1. VikiAi
      Facepalm

      Re: Where's my Orgasmatron?

      Not at CES, it appears.

      (Icon for CES, Not Veti)

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Steamer Closet

    Sounds like a new, high-tech, composting toilet.

    1. defiler Silver badge

      Re: Steamer Closet

      I shit in your cupboard. Sorry.

  4. Neil Barnes Silver badge

    Flying car? For only 6,000 pounds?

    Where do I sign? That's barely more than my paraglider equipment...

    1. Tom 35 Silver badge

      Re: Flying car? For only 6,000 pounds?

      I expect they lost two zeros, or it's a lawn chair and some weather balloons.

      1. annodomini2 Bronze badge

        Re: Flying car? For only 6,000 pounds?

        Probably 3 zeros

    2. LDS Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Flying car? For only 6,000 pounds?

      No joke icon, so I may have to inform you it's about 2700Kg... yet the price for Kg or pound was not disclosed.... and be careful when landing on the roof.

      (where's the key?)

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ose vibrator

    Looks remarkably like the new Doctor Who's sonic screwdriver...

  6. Maelstorm Bronze badge
    Devil

    Robot on robot crime is now a thing...

    There is one other thing that isn't showing that the article didn't mention because in other news, a robot that was supposed to be shown at CES suffered major damage when it was run over by a Tesla in autopilot mode. Granted, it is suspected that this was a publicity stunt. But still, robot on robot crime? We don't have laws for that here in the U.S.A (Surprise!). You can read about it here:

    https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/news/tesla-robot-crash-self-driving-car-promobot-putin-ces-2019-las-vegas-elon-musk-a8718866.html

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You can't get that close to it because...

    ... it sprints away? Alas!

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "mimics all of the sensations of a human mouth, tongue, and fingers"

    judging by the photos displayed proudly (not prudishly, hurrah!) by the beeb, the above statement is factually incorrent, as it surely can't mimick the sensation of a human tongue rolled into a tube (like so). Unless, this is a babushka vibrator?

    1. Daedalus Silver badge

      Re: "mimics all of the sensations of a human mouth, tongue, and fingers"

      Yeah, and can it tie a knot in a cherry stem?

      1. Geoffrey W Silver badge

        Re: "mimics all of the sensations of a human mouth, tongue, and fingers"

        Ummm...that sounds as if there is some sex activity I am not privvy to. Do tell...

        1. Daedalus Silver badge

          Re: "mimics all of the sensations of a human mouth, tongue, and fingers"

          A special trick performed by one Audrey Horne on Twin Peaks. One of David Lynch's better metaphors.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The CEO Lora Haddock is, unsurprisingly, not excited

    thumb(s) up!

  10. imanidiot Silver badge

    How?

    How do you FIRST award a product with something and THEN find out you think it's obscene and objectionable? Did Ose, perhaps, BUY the award?

    1. Geoffrey W Silver badge

      Re: How?

      No.

      Someone with more intelligence lower down the hierarchy awarded the prize, then someone with less intelligence higher up the hierarchy noticed and thought, without actually thinking, "OooErr...can't have that! It's too naughty. Men and Mary Whitehouses will disapprove." and retracted it.

    2. AK565

      Re: How?

      For some reason i suspect the award was given before it became known the device was not designed for cis, straight males.

      A wildly implausible idea, i know.

  11. Kubla Cant Silver badge

    Disappointed about the boxing robot

    I'd assumed it would be like the computer chess programs that always beat you*, and I had a delightful mental picture of idiots paying thousands of dollars for a machine that beats them up.

    * YMMV - they always beat me because I hardly know how to play chess and I lack the patience to learn.

  12. Mage Silver badge
    Black Helicopters

    CES relevance?

    Seems less relevant each year. Hasn't CeBit or something in Europe closed?

    Was Peak Tech show and Gadget web site about 2007 or 2008?

    The roll up TV sounds interesting, but we don't need CES for that.

    Meanwhile tech stuff gets less repairable, less reliable, shorter life and worse software often obviously barely tested.

    Corporations outdoing NSA, CIA, China, Russia, GCHQ on spying.

    1. Geoffrey W Silver badge

      Re: CES relevance?

      It's an excuse to spend a week in Vegas; "Of course I was working."

    2. thecornflake
      Meh

      Re: CES relevance?

      I don't really see the user demand for a roll-up TV, considering the amount of times I've thought "I just wish I could roll up my TV and place it into a tube" (0).

      Possibly for example for people using rented conference rooms etc, to be able to easily transport a large screen there and back, and various other odd examples I can't think of but still must be a very small market space.

  13. Hero Protagonist

    Look out below!

    “There remain very strict rules around flying huge chunks of metal around in the air as they have a tendency to drop to the ground and injure both occupants and passers-by”

    Shirley you mean passers-under?

    1. Swarthy Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Look out below!

      If it falls on them, does that make them passers-on?

      1. Jimmy2Cows

        Re: Look out below!

        Nope still under. And flatter.

        1. Alistair Silver badge
          Windows

          Re: Look out below!

          @Jimmy2moos

          Flattery will get you no hair.

      2. Woza

        Re: Look out below!

        Or perhaps passers-out?

  14. Only me!
    Coat

    Toys

    Obviously sex toys do not go down very well at CES.

    They only allow men to have pop up stands!!!

    1. xeroks

      Obviously sex toys do not go down very well at CES.

      you forgot the inverted commas around "go down"

  15. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge
    Coat

    Profane?

    immoral, obscene, indecent, profane or not in keeping with CTA’s image

    Profane just means not religious or respectful of religion, so while iThings are probably OK there are surely many other gadgets that should be banned under that ruling?

    And to rehash a relevant old joke, there are four types of orgasm:

    Postive: Oh yes, Oh Yes, Oh YES.

    Negative: Oh no, Oh No, Oh NO.

    Religious: Oh god, Oh God, OH GOD.

    Fake: Oh john, Oh John, Oh JOHN.

  16. Francis Boyle Silver badge

    Of course it makes sense

    One of the CES organiser lent it to his now ex girlfriend.

    Also, I think you have inadvertently swapped the sex toy and the flying car pics.

  17. Joefish
    Coat

    Does that steam cupboard...

    I just need to know, does that steam cupboard have a little bamboo tray for doing Chinese dumplings?

  18. spold Bronze badge

    Topical

    >>>

    But also, all these new-fangled air taxi companies are selling the idea of these things being autonomous – they pick you up and fly you to where you want to be automatically.

    <<<

    Ahhh the Ben and Jerry's autonomous Mexican flying vehicle - since it fucks Wall's

  19. DCFusor Silver badge

    Well, scale matters

    You can make electricity "work like that" but it'd have to be a really tiny house. When my wife was wanting to lose weight but still watch TV all day, I fixed her up an exercise bike with a generator and used that to drive a small portable TV that would run on 12 volts. Vacuum tube type, minimal power for that sort, though, around a 6" screen.

    When she found out how hard it was to pedal - and that the tiny battery I'd added would only keep the TV up for about 1 minute breaks...she lost her taste for western re-runs real quick. Total win...

    1 Hp (about 3 times what a human in decent shape _can_ sustain, but probably won't like) = 745 watts with 100% conversion efficiency (yeah, right).

    An efficient house with nothing spurious electric (like HVAC, cooking, water heat etc) might draw 300 or so watts...

    Now let the Reg Standards guys have some fun with this! In pounds-feet/second how many busses would you need to drop from how far to keep your house running for a day?

    1. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Well, scale matters

      If only there was some way to use human leg power for transportation.

    2. Clunking Fist Bronze badge

      Re: Well, scale matters

      "how many busses would you need to drop"

      Enough to cover 3 football pitches? Or fill 6 Olympic sized swimming pools? Or cover the length of the Thames? And it depends: are you dropping form the height of 2.5x Big Ben*.

      *You CAN drop from the height of Big Ben: it's height is about 0.93 QEII Commemorative Clock Towers.

    3. jelabarre59 Silver badge

      Re: Well, scale matters

      You can make electricity "work like that" but it'd have to be a really tiny house. When my wife was wanting to lose weight but still watch TV all day, I fixed her up an exercise bike with a generator and used that to drive a small portable TV that would run on 12 volts. Vacuum tube type, minimal power for that sort, though, around a 6" screen.

      When she found out how hard it was to pedal - and that the tiny battery I'd added would only keep the TV up for about 1 minute breaks...she lost her taste for western re-runs real quick. Total win...

      I've thought of the same sort of thing, except it would be for your kids' gaming console (or their computer). So long as they can keep pedaling they can keep playing. Unfortunate that Fisher-Price's equivalent (Think & Learn Smart Cycle) only uses the pedals for interaction in the game, and not powering it.

      OTOH, the US Army managed to make a hand-crank version (https://www.radiomuseum.org/r/military_hand_generator_gn_58_gn58.html)

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