back to article Pork pulled: Plug jerked out of beacon of bacon delight

It is with great sadness that we must announce the passing of the Ohio Pork Council's bacon vending machine after an all-too-short sojourn at the Meat Sciences Department of Ohio State University. The vending machine allowed hungry students to sate their penchant for porcine produce with just a $1 bill. Alas, all good things …

  1. Soruk
    Joke

    Awaiting Hormel's comment? Sure it didn't filed as spam?

    Still, when it comes to food-serving machines, some ideas can be quite rash, others are rasher.

  2. Cronus

    Just looks like a normal vending machine to me, albeit one with packets of bacon-based products inside.

    1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

      Quite , I'm sure theres a vending machine around here that will give me a pack of "Frazzles" , with the product and the machine having a lifespan over 1 week

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        I'm sure theres a vending machine around here that will give me a pack of "Frazzles"

        Do "Frazzles" have any bacon product in them?

        1. Richard 120

          No, frazzles are suitable for vegetarians.

          1. DJSpuddyLizard

            Frazzles are not suitable for humans

  3. israel_hands

    404: Bacon Not Found

    When they say bacon, do they mean thick smoked rashers of the real stuff of that crispy gristly shit the yanks call bacon and the rest of the world calls over-cooked streaky bacon?

    1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

      Re: 404: Bacon Not Found

      It'll be that artificially flavoured rubbish the yanks favour.

      1. Jellied Eel Silver badge

        Re: 404: Bacon Not Found

        That's Hormel, purveyors of the finest bacon substitute. Also in bulk for spam carving competitions.. those crazy Yanks. We Brits do understand the benefits of Spam fitting nicely into most sandwich toasters, and filling the need for food, now, and not involving naked flames.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: 404: Bacon Not Found

          Spam carving? Is that what it sound like? I must look on the internet to find out.

          Yes, yes it is - WTF?

          1. jake Silver badge

            Re: 404: Bacon Not Found

            Spam carving is no different than decorative carving of any other foodstuff. Butter, melons, squash, turnip, radish any number of fancy garnishes, etc. Usually a complete waste of food, if you ask me.

      2. Fungus Bob Silver badge

        Re: 404: Bacon Not Found

        "that artificially flavoured rubbish the yanks favour"

        No we don't., our Corporate Overlords simply give us no choice...

    2. juice Bronze badge

      Re: 404: Bacon Not Found

      There's several videos on Youtube from various "How do they do it" shows, detailing how US bacon is made.

      E.g. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAqIynamBMY

      It really does put the word "processed" into processed meat...

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: 404: Bacon Not Found

        E.g. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAqIynamBMY

        Holy crap! Those tiny little slices are more fat than meat! And you'd need a whole pack just to male one bacon buttie. And it's pre-cooked for you in a microwave! Sacrilege!!!

        If I had a Facebook account I'd be starting up a campaign to collect and donate bacon care packages to send to those poor suffering souls in the US. And maybe a Kickstarter campaign to raise funds for re-education centres to teach those poor deluded souls what bacon is meant to be.

        Come on El Reg! It's Christmas. Can we re-vitalise the SPB and arrange air drops of real bacon for our colonial cousins via a fleet a PARIS aircraft? We could name the project PIIIIIIIGS IN SPAAAAAACE!

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: 404: Bacon Not Found

        I presume so that it will go with the "Amercian Cheese" in a can....?

        1. jake Silver badge

          Re: 404: Bacon Not Found

          Aerosol cheese is not now, never has been, and never will be actual cheese. Anybody with a central nervous system knows that.

          1. dbtx Bronze badge

            Therefore the internet doesn't?

  4. Stanislaw
    Boffin

    Mixed feelings

    Whilst I salute the achievement of bacon-on-demand, I find the term Department of Meat Sciences ... disturbing.

    1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: Mixed feelings

      I find the term Department of Meat Sciences ... disturbing

      Students enter, but never leave.

      And by pure coincidence, very generous pork-based pies are available.

      1. navidier

        Re: Mixed feelings

        > And by pure coincidence, very generous pork-based pies are available.

        Long ones, presumably...

        [May I just interject a gripe here? I'm conditioned over many decades to indent my text with a <TAB> character -- but text entry boxes on web sites invariably take a <TAB> to mean "go to the next element in the page". I'm continually going, "WTF has my focus gone??!"]

        1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

          Re: Mixed feelings

          "WTF has my focus gone??!"

          Yeah get used to that , everythings gonna be web based soon.

          Undoo your decades of training.

          Join the tab vs spaces debate.

          Me being whitespaceydextrous uses spaces on web pages and tab in notepad+

          1. katrinab Silver badge
            Trollface

            Re: Mixed feelings

            "everythings gonna be web based soon"

            Sorry, but while you were in a comma for the past 20 years, things have moved on. Blockchains (aka Linked Lists) are now the Next Big Thing, and Smart Contracts (Computer Programs), and Artificial Intelligence (Computer Programs with if statements).

            1. AS1
              Coat

              Re: Mixed feelings

              I know a comma is supposed to create a pause between words, but 20 years is excessive.

              I'll trotter off now.

            2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

              Re: Mixed feelings

              "Sorry, but while you were in a comma for the past 20 years"

              I think a 20 year comma might be a full stop, even for a colonial.

        2. Mark 85 Silver badge

          Re: Mixed feelings

          I'm continually going, "WTF has my focus gone??!"

          Let's just blame the usual suspects here... Google and Microsoft. We do have more important things to think about like bacon.

        3. ElReg!comments!Pierre Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: Mixed feelings

          I'm conditioned over many decades to indent my text with a <TAB> character

          That would be four [space] for normal people, then?

          [TAB] has been the [next field] key for the -also many- decades of HTML existence, it's strange that you would only notice it now.

          1. Clunking Fist Bronze badge

            Re: Mixed feelings

            "[TAB] has been the [next field] key for the -also many- decades of HTML existence, it's strange that you would only notice it now."

            And for many more decades of accounting system data-entry, both main frame and PC.

            TAB has only ever been spaces in word processing, shirley?

            1. jake Silver badge

              Re: Mixed feelings

              <tab> is not spaces. It's the distance to the next <tab> position. It may, or may not, be related to the beginning of a paragraph, depending on your <tab> settings. I take it all y'all have never used an actual typewriter?

              Whatever. It's used as "go to next field" on (most) computer systems. Has been for longer than I've been using computers (over 50 years). That's why software that (easily) allows printable <tab>s to be placed into text with the <tab> key is inherently evil. There is a reason the phrase "no feelthy tabs!"[0] exists.

              And stop calling me Shirley.

              [0] See: the Info-ZIP "NO FEELTHY" rules. Rule #1.

          2. lesession

            Re: Mixed feelings

            > [TAB] has been the [next field] key for the -also many- decades of HTML existence,

            > it's strange that you would only notice it now.

            It's Eternal September ...

          3. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Mixed feelings

            [TAB] has been the [next field] key for the -also many- decades of HTML existence, it's strange that you would only notice it now

            NO

            TAB was a diet cola attempt in the 70's

            1. jake Silver badge

              Re: Mixed feelings

              That was "TaB", not TAB. I drank it in the late 1960s, not the '70s (I don't like sugar, and RC's Diet Rite sucked) ... then I grew up and switched to coffee.

              1. dbtx Bronze badge
                Thumb Up

                Re: Mixed feelings

                The Tab I think of is often mixed with Super8. Coffee is the best caffeine.

    2. BinkyTheMagicPaperclip Silver badge

      Re: Mixed feelings

      Either that, or students leave, but always with difficulty walking.

    3. sambaynham

      Re: Mixed feelings

      'Whilst I salute the achievement of bacon-on-demand, I find the term Department of Meat Sciences ... disturbing.'

      Relax, it's just the name of the combined biology, sociology and anthropology departments.

    4. Jamesit

      Re: Mixed feelings

      Meat without animals.

      https://www.theguardian.com/business/2018/nov/29/meat-poultry-sustainable-affordable-solution-lab-grown

      It could work. I wonder how it tastes.

      1. 404 Silver badge

        It could work. I wonder how it tastes....

        Like chicken...

        ;)

        1. Fungus Bob Silver badge

          Re: It could work. I wonder how it tastes....

          Nah, probably more like an incredible soy substitute.

        2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: It could work. I wonder how it tastes....

          "Like chicken."

          Or cardboard turkey.

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Mixed feelings

      "I find the term Department of Meat Sciences ... disturbing."

      Where else would they study flesh/chlorine interaction etc?

  5. msknight Silver badge
    Joke

    I've heard of lining up for the slaughter... but this is ridiculous !

  6. Alister Silver badge

    We need MorPork

    letters

    1. OssianScotland

      Re: We need MorPork

      Are you, by any chance, a yAnkh ?

  7. Glen 1 Bronze badge
    Coat

    Here we go...

    Fans of director Michael Bay found the latest fan convention a vast improvement on previous years*

    Fans of much loved movie star (lets call him... Kevin) underwhelmed by photo booth

    Are you salty about that terrible pun?

    Restocking that vending machine must have been a pig of a job!

    ...

    * y'know... Bay-Con (Yes i know that's not what Baycon is #dontexplainthejoke)

    1. big_D Silver badge

      Re: Here we go...

      Pull the other one.

      I think you are ham(ming) it up a bit.

      But the question is, does it fly?

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Here we go...

        But the question is, does it fly?

        Anything will fly, given sufficient incentive..

        (a JATO unit springs to mind)

    2. Fungus Bob Silver badge

      Re: Here we go...

      ...but there aren't any vegan friendly choices!

    3. Sceptic Tank
      Childcatcher

      Re: Here we go...

      Kevin Feederline?

  8. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge

    "Everyone's love for bacon"

    Not everyone of course.

    Just saying - I love it myself.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "Everyone's love for bacon"

      "Not everyone of course."

      An apparently devout vegetarian friend in the 1970s had occasional lapses for love of a bacon butty.

      1. Joe Harrison Silver badge

        Re: "Everyone's love for bacon"

        Tesco frozen fake bacon slices (soya) are really nice, just sayin.

      2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: "Everyone's love for bacon"

        "devout vegetarian ... had occasional lapses for love of a bacon butty."

        A Jewish director at one of my clients decided to unilaterally declare bacon kosher.

        1. jake Silver badge

          Re: "Everyone's love for bacon"

          Bacon is the gateway meat. I've known several vegans that got caught sneaking bacon. A couple of those are fully paid-up carnivores nowadays.

          1. MrMerrymaker

            Re: "Everyone's love for bacon"

            Ah, but maybe it works the other way around? What's the vegan equivalent of bacon?

            .... Might be a while working this out.

  9. Gavin Chester
    Joke

    Hmmm

    "Where's Kevin?"

    Please let him be there rather than in another annoying EE advert...

  10. Herring`

    Technology

    I was wondering if you could have a cook and dispense system using something like the fusing rollers from a laser printer. Raw bacon goes in, cooked bacon comes out. Vary the speed to adjust how cooked you want it.

    It's not quite as good as my idea to use a raclette grill mounted sideways to make a personal doner kebab machine.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Technology

      It's been done for chips (fries, frites) - although there was an earlier machine at Seaton Carew in the late 1960s. Not sure if that was similar technology.

      1. ElReg!comments!Pierre Silver badge

        Re: Technology

        It's been done for chips (fries, frites)

        and bread or indeed pizzas. The linked article is for a single brand but these exist in various parts of the world. As spotted by yours truly : US, Canada, UK, France, Croatia. I couldn't comment on the output's quality though. I tend to like my pizzas with genuine pizzaiolo fingerprints (except perhaps for that one time in Tyne and Wear but let's not delve in that)

    2. Anonymous Coward Silver badge
      Flame

      Re: Technology

      Why do you think offices around the world all have laminating machines? Heated rollers with a simple, straight, in-out path.

      1. Gene Cash Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Technology

        Whelp, I'm off to buy a laminating machine and some bacon. Christmas, ya know...

        Icon because it's cold out there!

    3. katrinab Silver badge

      Re: Technology

      You can get ovens with a conveyor belt that pulls the product through it. A lot of commercial kitchens have them. Not in vending machine format, but you could build a vending machine around it that drops the uncooked product onto the conveyor belt when the customer pays for it, then it gets dispensed once it has been cooked.

      1. Adrian 4 Silver badge

        Re: Technology

        Not just kitchens. Haven't you ever been to a hotel with a guest-operated conveyer toaster at the breakfast bar ?

        1. jake Silver badge

          Re: Technology

          Not just for food. They are used to cook silk-screened circuitry on hybrid integrated circuits.

          1. tuppence

            Re: Technology

            used to do for GEC avionics back in the day - before Nimrod got cancelled and the gig folded.....

        2. katrinab Silver badge

          Re: Technology

          Indeed you do.

          I was thinking of the ovens in my local pizza, doughnut and bagel shops, but yes, hotels have them too.

        3. Quinlan

          Re: Technology

          Not tried putting bacon through one of those - next time I'm in a Premier Inn will give it a try

        4. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: Technology

          "Not just kitchens. Haven't you ever been to a hotel with a guest-operated conveyer toaster at the breakfast bar ?"

          Toaster? Oh! That must be why I got funny looks from the other guests when I put my undercooked bacon through it.

      2. BostonEddie

        Re: Technology

        Much like a wave soldering machine. Parts are placed into a belt; the belt moves and carries the parts through one or more heated/cooled areas. I did work with a Korean gentleman who was modifying the equipment to cook a sheet of some Korean delicacy. Probably work on those flat Jewish crackers too

  11. Unicornpiss Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    Old ad..

    Pork

  12. SVV Silver badge

    Pork Bork

    I guess restocking the machine was a bit of a pig. Or else this was just a ham fisted attempt at publicity.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Thank dog!...

    I thought I was going to have to find a replacement for pulled pork importing my snort signatures...

    whew!

  14. Charles Calthrop

    pulled it very quickly. very rasher

  15. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

    I've still not seen anything in the 2 articles that explains what the hell eat-ready & shelf-ready bacon is, I suspect its a far cry from the nice bacon sarnies you see on the brown sauce adds

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "[...] what the hell eat-ready & shelf-ready bacon is [...]"

      In the UK you can buy refrigerated packets of very crisp cooked bacon. Useful for crumbling as a garnish on salads etc.

      Last Xmas Waitrose supermarket were selling a banana trifle with bacon sprinkles on top. Tried a free sample - surprisingly no discernible taste apart from sweet.

    2. Mike Moyle Silver badge

      Pre-cooke and vacuum-sealed in a plastic sleeve. It will keep almost indefinitely at room temperature. Can be microwaved crispy (out of the sleeve) in 10 - 20 seconds in a microwave. Not a great bacon but when I just want some quick bacon bits for, e.g., making a salad edible or whipping up a peanut butter and bacon sandwich, it's quite acceptable.

  16. Jay Lenovo Silver badge
    Trollface

    Bacon, the (edible) fabric of our lives

    Why just vend bacon? Bacon works well paired with most anything.

    M&M's with 1 slice of Bacon, Coke bottle with 1 slice of Bacon. Personal hygiene product with 1 slice of Bacon.

    Bacon isn't everything, it just makes everything... Better

    1. Anonymous Coward Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Bacon, the (edible) fabric of our lives

      "Personal hygiene product with 1 slice of Bacon."

      You can take your personal hygiene product and shove it up your... oh, that's what it's for? Ok then. Just the bacon for me, thanks.

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: Bacon, the (edible) fabric of our lives

        For personal hygiene product, read toothbrush.

  17. EveryTime Silver badge

    Bacon is vegetarian Kryptonite

    There is a wide range of bacon in the U.S. Everything from quick wet cures to dry smoked.

    Just like beer, don't judge it all from what is served in bulk at a tourist hotel.

  18. Daedalus Silver badge

    Cut out the middle man

    Eating the dollar bill will probably give you the same taste.

  19. Andy Non
    Coat

    I don't know what ham put this article together

    but they made a real pigs ear of it. The article tells porkies; rashly it doesn't vend real bacon. Sorry to squeal on your article, but gammon, get real; and no you aren't casting pearls before swine. You need a good grilling.

    I'll get my coat... mine's the one with the pork scratchings in the pocket.

    1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: I don't know what ham put this article together

      @andy non

      You sir , are the gatling gun of puns!

  20. x 7 Silver badge

    Long pig?

    Plenty of stock at a university

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Upside, it's well soaked and marinated in beer. Down side, very fatty with little lean.

  21. RobThBay

    What? No beer, only bacon?

    That looks like a Black Label beer logo.

  22. Marketing Hack Silver badge
    Go

    El Reg, instead of being sad, you guys should be looking at the bright side.

    "So you're saying that there is a chance for us to get the vending machine now?"

  23. spold Bronze badge

    ...just seems to ignore the demand for

    VR - Virtual Rashers

    PaaS - Porkbelly as-a-Service

    BaaS - Bacon as-a-Service

    SaaS - Sizzle as-a-Service

    and outporking...

    Oh and not forgetting Artificially Intelligent porky stuff https://internetofbusiness.com/alibaba-ai-platform-pig-farming/

    ... oh and IoT - Internet-of-Trotters

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      "IoT - Internet-of-Trotters"

      Why did I instantly think of Del-Boy running a website?

  24. IGnatius T Foobar !

    An even better location

    An even better location for that vending machine would be in front of 501 Front Street in Norfolk, Virginia.

    1. Oengus Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: An even better location

      I had to look it up... Absolutely best location. Have a pint on me.

    2. AGITA018

      Re: An even better location

      "501 Front Street in Norfolk, Virginia"

      An excellent choice, although I'm confused by the Sea World vehicles parked outside!

  25. Bob_M

    Perfect partner

    I was in Timisoara, Romania, last month and there are egg vending machines out on the street there. I suggest the bacon dispenser should be relocated beside one of those. Breakfast at any hour!

  26. Dr_N Silver badge

    Japan to the rescue!

    All is not lost The Lawson convenience store chain still has their Robo Fried chicken.

    1. Boo Radley

      Re: Japan to the rescue!

      I didn't know Lawson's was still a thing. I was pretty sure they died out in the 70s.

  27. Paul Hovnanian Silver badge

    FEBO

    It's been done: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FEBO

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Border control terrorist filter trial, success

    also typo in article "... American uni's Meat Science Program.", should be an 'e' rather and an 'a' in "meet"

  29. Dippywood

    One Purchase Per Customer

    Don't be a pig!

  30. Ghostman

    Here in middle Ga, USA, we have a minor league baseball team named Macon Bacon. The mascot wears a overly tall bacon outfit, and his name is, Kevin, of course.

    https://www.maconbaconbaseball.com

  31. earl grey Silver badge
    Coat

    the pigs are committed to bringing you the best bacon

    there's a joke in there somewhere...

    I'll get me coat

  32. Sceptic Tank
    Trollface

    Someone is hogging the vending machine.

  33. 0laf Silver badge
    Angel

    If only...

    If only this could be repurposed so that it would dispense perfectly cooked quality dry cured back bacon, delicately placed upon a floury bap, spread with real butter and with the customers choice of (proper) red or brown sauce.

    Future machines could include the option to add a fried egg done how you like and/or a meltingly delicious slice of Stornoway black pudding.

    This would be the lord of machines and I would worship at it's little plastic feet.

  34. Thomas Steven 1
    Coat

    Lambs to the slaughter...

  35. adam 40

    The guy on the left of the photo

    Is only 6 degrees removed from the Bacon.

  36. 080

    Why would you want a bacon vending machine when there's a Greggs in every town in the UK? Ah, I suppose it's for use after 11 'o'clock

    1. jake Silver badge

      Because ...

      ... the other 99.9%+ of humanity doesn't live in the UK, you insular twit.

      Besides, the rest of us know how to cook, and use a cast iron skillet. (Except students, of course.) Most of the rest of us also know how to cure and smoke our own meat. But please, do enjoy your Greggs, the bakery that doesn't seem to know how to make bread. Or properly use apostrophes.

  37. Bodestone

    Hmmm which bacon?

    https://regmedia.co.uk/2018/12/17/bacon_vending_machine_students.jpg

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2019