back to article Where to implant my employee microchip? I have the ideal location

"Work out loud," my prospective new employer tells me, adding that "we are a team, not a family". Sister Sledge need not apply. I try to keep my best poker face but I can sense my left eyebrow raising by itself. When I first entered the work market in the 1980s, the prevailing language of corporate bullshit rolled its tongue …

  1. CAPS LOCK Silver badge

    The correect term is...

    ... cat chip.

  2. Neil Barnes Silver badge

    As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

    I can tell you the little buggers are frequently less than cooperative, and our alpha testers find the cats behaving in ways we would *never* have imaged. Including one who gives the device a smack before attempting to use it - a born engineer, that cat.

    1. chivo243 Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

      @Neil Barnes

      My cats love to sit next to the door. The locking mechanism going snick, snick, snick, snick at 4 in the freakin AM! I think you owe me a beer or two ;-}

    2. Giovani Tapini

      Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

      Aha, then you can explain to my cat why she should not hold down the lock with one paw, and claw open the door with the other, thus defeating the locking mechanism. If I need the cats to stay in for some reason I have to put something in front of their door, not just lock it!

      My cat is the engineer and has one up on you!

      1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

        Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

        @Giovani - you need one of ours - they have a rotary lock which as far as I know no cat has succeeded in defeating. We also supply a modification which prevents cats holding the latch down and prying up the door (it's a rare thing, apparently). I don't work on the cat flaps but on other products in the range.

        1. herman Silver badge

          Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

          Do your cat doors have a sunny and cheerful disposition and sigh contentedly after a job was well done?

          1. chivo243 Silver badge
            Big Brother

            Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

            @herman

            I wish my cat flap had Hal's voice. I'm sorry kitty, I can't do that. What are you doing kitty.

            1. Martin
              Happy

              Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

              I wish my cat flap had Hal's voice. I'm sorry kitty, I can't do that. What are you doing kitty.

              I think you'd have to name your cat Dave.

              1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
                Happy

                Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

                According to the Campaign for Real Cats (doffs hat to the late, great Terry Pratchett), all real cats are Schrödinger's cats, and are quite capable to tunnel through doors using everyday quantum mechanics. The only reason they might give their humans the idea that a door is an impediment is to annoy them, and make them buy (preferably expensive) RFID enabled cat flaps, in part to get back at humans for putting a chip in them in the first place. After installation of said device, cats will then either ignore it, or sabotage it (or both)

        2. Persona

          Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

          @Neil Barnes

          "they have a rotary lock which as far as I know no cat has succeeded in defeating"

          My daughters cat opens the rotary lock on her cat flap so quickly you don't see him doing it. He can pry up the door too.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

        "Aha, then you can explain to my cat why she should not hold down the lock with one paw, and claw open the door with the other, thus defeating the locking mechanism. If I need the cats to stay in for some reason I have to put something in front of their door, not just lock it!

        My cat is the engineer and has one up on you!"

        Cats ARE engineers. My 2 youngsters do that:

        - climb up and down the ladder (almost erected vertically)

        - open the flap cat when batteries are out: insert a claw, and open the flap door from inside to outside and get in

        And I've yet to see all of what they are capable of.

        1. cambsukguy

          Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

          Climb a Ladder! That's Nothing!

          When I got two kittens many moons ago, I would occasionally put them outside to get used to it.

          Occasionally I would look out the window to check on them and one or both would often be a considerable distance up the outside wall of the house to my second floor 'office' window using nothing but razor sharp claws on ridged house brick for traction.

          Amazing to watch.

    3. FlossyThePig
      Devil

      Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

      Our cat flap only uses the RFID tag to allow entry. On the rare occasions when kitty has to stay in (e.g. trip to the vet) there is a physical latch to disable free exit.

      I believe you can get a cat flap that is app enabled, so you can control it by your phone, WTF. Are we getting a generation who can only do things via their phone?

      Icon because it's nearest to kitty.

      1. David 18

        Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

        @FlossyThePig

        "WTF. Are we getting a generation who can only do things via their phone?"

        You have to ask? :)

      2. macjules Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

        I believe you can get a cat flap that is app enabled

        Does your cat prefer to use an iPhone or an Android?

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

        Our cat flap only uses the RFID tag to allow entry.

        Not a cat owner - but reading your comment and Dabbs column, I'm struck by the thought that Mr Dabbs has installed his cat flap the wrong way round????

      4. IsJustabloke Silver badge
        Trollface

        Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

        "Are we getting a generation who can only do things via their phone?"

        As soon as I can get the app to work I'll up vote you...

      5. jmch Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

        "Are we getting a generation who can only do things via their phone?"

        Sent from my iPhone

        1. IceC0ld Bronze badge

          The BLOODY RFID

          Do you use an RFID card to unlock security doors or release gates at your workplace? Do they work every time? Of course they bloody don't. Half the time, you're standing in front of the door flourishing your card impotently across the sensor from different directions again and again, watching the red light flash repeatedly with an accompanying ugly audio bleat, as you duly recite the workplace mantra: "Fucking open the fuck up you fucking fucked fucker".

          ====

          ROFLMAO

          tonight actually, and TBH, there were a LOT more F's in MY mantra

      6. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

        Re: when kitty has to stay in (e.g. trip to the vet) there is a physical latch

        So that's two things for the vet to look at (1) the neutering (2) the bump on its bonce as it tries to get through the flap.

      7. The Boojum

        Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

        Tried that. Cat still got out.

      8. bazza Silver badge
        Angel

        Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

        Icon because it's nearest to kitty.

        Nah, cats can be far more evil than that when they want to be. Naturally, all cats consider themselves to be a (see icon)

    4. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

      one who gives the device a smack before attempting to use it - a born engineer

      Or - if a ginger cat[1] probably believes in the pre-application of force in lieu of thinking..

      [1] We have one. In D&D terms, his prime stats are Str & Cha and his dump stats are Int and Wis. He's the one that's addicted to my earwax.. (which if not offered on the tip of my finger is quite happy to slobber in my ears. This seems to be a male cat thing, none of our female cats will touch it but the older male cat[2] will. And they won't accept earwax from anyone not related to me - they will take earwax from my nephew, but not my wife).

      [2] Who is an-otherwise very intelligent cat (being half Siamese). Prime stats for him are Int, Dex and Cha with no dump stats. Obviously rolled well..

      1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
        Childcatcher

        Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

        I hope you named him Dumbledore after that revelation.

        “Ah! Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans! I was unfortunate enough in my youth to come across a vomit-flavored one, and since then I’m afraid I’ve rather lost my liking for them — but I think I’ll be safe with a nice toffee, don’t you?”

        He smiled and popped the golden-brown bean into his mouth.

    5. Shadow Systems Silver badge

      Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

      You folks are lucky your cat bothers with the flap at all. Mine just hisses, there's a metallic !SHING! of extending claws, a chainsaw noise as she goes through the door like a termite on speed, & then gets even with me for daring to trying to deny her entry into her own home by barfing in my sock drawer. I have an idea how she's gaining access to the inside of the drawer without opening it, she's climbing up the *back* inside between the back of the drawer & the rear panel of the dresser. It doesn't matter that I've nailed a board to the back to try & stop her, I still find cat barf in my socks & a hole in the front door.

      1. Roj Blake Silver badge

        Re: As someone who currently designs chip-enabled cat interface devices...

        You clearly have a Schrodinger's Cat that's learned how to do quantum tunnelling.

  3. Semtex451 Silver badge

    "he found he could silently slip in and out unnoticed by pushing his unsophisticated old ID card through a gap between the Yale lock and the door frame"

    Makes you wonder about the individuals fitting the door and those fitting any subsequent security device to such a door. I just have to wise up and realise that professional pride has gone the way of common sense and a work ethic.

    1. GlenP Silver badge

      he found he could silently slip in and out unnoticed by pushing his unsophisticated old ID card through a gap between the Yale lock and the door frame

      I worked in an office where it was generally quicker to open the front door with a credit card rather than the key. The Yale lock was only used at lunchtimes when the front office wasn't always manned (overnight there was a deadbolt) but still not very secure.

    2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      those fitting any subsequent security device to such a door

      And those monitoring the door entry systems - something like that *should* generate a 'door forced open' message which, if security were awake, should lead to them investigating and having a quiet chat with the perp behind the bike sheds..

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "he found he could silently slip in and out unnoticed by pushing his unsophisticated old ID card through a gap between the Yale lock and the door frame"

      Makes you wonder about the individuals fitting the door and those fitting any subsequent security device to such a door. I just have to wise up and realise that professional pride has gone the way of common sense and a work ethic.

      Work in a largest hospital with various offices locked with those push button combination locks. I also use card through the slot trick. I was caught by a nursey type who wanted demanded in a loud voice "Did you just do what I thought you did?"

      "Dunno, shall I do it again to make sure?"

      Anyway, if I do come across a door like that, I do show the occupant and suggest that they speak to someone about fixing a piece of wood or something in front of the lock to prevent people like me

      1. Will Godfrey Silver badge

        Two carpet tacks in the door, and two in the frame, interleaved stops that.

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
          Thumb Up

          So, in summary...

          ...most door entry systems are cack, cat flaps doubly so.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Work has a server room with £millions of hardware and data costing £manymillions in data protection fines should anything go walkies. Server room is secured by a state of the art swipe card system as is most of the building. During one meeting following a minor fire someone noted that all the swipecard secured doors defaulted to open when the fire alarm went off and wondered what happened during the weekly fire alarm tests. after much laughter a yale lock was added to the door after the next test..

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Oh dear. Oh dear.

          If your security system planning and auditing hadn't shown that up, you have problems.

          If you think the mitigation you've carried out for that risk is the correct one, you have even bigger problems.

          Which conviction would Sir prefer ? Data Protection violation or Corporate Manslaughter ??

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Sadly we have little control over what happens with the building we work in and the non-IT systems that are installed, all we can do is report issues and request solutions. What actually happens is at the whim of the Building Services department, most of which is outsourced so you rarely get to speak to the same person twice and it's very rare for anyone who specified a system to be involved in maintaining it.

            We refer to that server room as the death room, it's installed with a inert gas drench fire suppression system and as installed there was no alarm warning system or hold back system and can be remotely fired from the main fire panel without activating the main fire alarm. getting an alarm fitted took five years, any kind of localised hold off was nixed because they've "done the simple calculations to work out the right volume of gas for the size of the room". Our confidence in this statement isn't high given that their techs keep turning up with schematics for a version of the building before the PHBs grabbed 30% of our server room and the neighboring water storage tank for a bike store.

            The door itself is swipe in with originally a push release and yes adding a yale makes it more dangerous in the event of a fire with little additional security. Our suggestion was not to deactivate the swipe reader in the event of a fire but that was apparently "too difficult" to do.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              I was going to muse about fire suppression as well.....

              All I can say is that I hope someone has documented all this and fully reported the implications so that should the unthinkable happen, the inquest jury will have no choice but to return "unlawful killing" rather than the "accidental death" that they (presumably) felt they had no choice over in the recent scrap yard inquest.

              It's a classic case of no clear lines of responsibility for H&S, though. Disaster waiting.

        2. silks

          I worked in a data centre providing Critical National Infrastructure services. First door to the data centre had a palm reader, then an airlock, the final door had retina scanner. Turns out that thousands of pounds-worth of technology could be overcome by yanking the door handle hard enough that it overcame the power of a simple electromagnetic catch. Doing that did set off an alarm to Operations but still, not exactly secure!

  4. Wellyboot Silver badge

    Poor Reliability.. better idea

    If ($deity forbid) employee implants ever becom a thing, wouldn't an individual ID forehead tattoo be far more reliable? Doors could just scan us as we walk up.

    Sorry for the early Godwin's infraction, but we were warned about this some 2,000 year ago.

    1. A.P. Veening

      Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

      I've got a revelation for you, beware of the one who's number is six and six and six.

      1. Alien8n Silver badge

        Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

        I still find it amusing that the barcode identifiers you get on goods are the numbers 666 (most barcodes will show the first, last, and middle characters with elongated lines. These lines match the number 6 and are used by the scanner to work out the orientation of the barcode allowing it to be read upside down as well as right way up).

        1. Mark #255
          Boffin

          Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

          [...] These lines match the number 6 [...]

          Yeah, erm, no: because the encoding for each digit is actually 7 stripes wide, so "6" isn't "two narrow black lines", it's:

          • "black-white-black-white-white-white-white", or
          • "white-white-white-white-black-white-black", or
          • "white-black-white-black-black-black-black"

          There's three encodings for the other digits, too, then a way of encoding the first digit (in EAN-13) by swapping between encodings for the first 6 digits.

          Barcode scanners work out which way round the barcode is by attempting to decode it: there's only one correct way.

          1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

            Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

            https://virtualsalt.com/barcode.htm

      2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

        beware of the one who's number is six and six and six

        Which, if you knew anything about Biblical numerology, would equate to humans (6 is the number of man and something repeated three times gives emphasis).

        It's only those who believe in a lteral devil[1] that think it's anything supernatural.

        [1] If God is omnipotent then why does the devil still (allegedly) exist?

        1. Rich 11 Silver badge

          Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

          [1] If God is omnipotent then why does the devil still (allegedly) exist?

          Because they're the best of friends. Haven't you read Job?

          1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

            Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

            If the prophets Pratchett and Gaiman are to be believed, its coz of "ineffability" and even the devil doesn't know why. It's the most logical explanation I've heard on the subject.

          2. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
            Thumb Up

            Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

            Job: Heinlein I presume.

        2. Wapiya
          Angel

          Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

          [1] If God is omnipotent then why does the devil still (allegedly) exist?

          Part of the design specification. Was buried in the annex: Free will

          If you read the patch history, the developer tried to mitigate this design bug through several patches. Flushing out the worst developments, creating a commanded framework and monitoring the running system more closely even doing in situ patches.

          According to The Lightbringer (Mr. Morningstar, verified by his brother Amenadiel), the universe was created when God and Goddess first met and fell for each other. Big Bang is so a fine description of what happened...

        3. bpfh Bronze badge

          Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

          <vincentprice> Woe to you, oh Earth and Sea...</vincentprice>

        4. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

          "[1] If God is omnipotent then why does the devil still (allegedly) exist?"

          It's called re-writting history by the victors. God *and his brothers* get a mention in the original text. Christianity started as a sect of Judaism, stole the stories and re-wrote them to suit their new and heretical beliefs. They've been doing it ever since by misappropriating so-called pagan stories and festivals and weaving then into their own narrative. It's all fake news to fool masses!

        5. Roj Blake Silver badge

          Re: [1] If God is omnipotent then why does the devil still (allegedly) exist?

          The devil is a fallen angel.

          The difference between men and angels is that angels have no free will

          Therefore the devil has no free will and is carrying out the work of God.

      3. Montreal Sean

        Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

        @A.P. Evening

        What's wrong with 18?

        :)

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

      wouldn't an individual ID forehead tattoo be far more reliable?

      Maybe, but will very insecure - just need a photo of the employee and take a copy of the barcode, print out and stick to your forehead. Unless it's done with some sort of invisible ink and why the bloody hell am I taking this so seriously? It's Friday, it's Dabbs - not serious at all, I want to go home and drink beer

      1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
        Alien

        Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

        Rewatching (briefly) the second series of Space:1999, I'm amused that minor characters are wearing costumes with their photo ID apparently stitched into them, on a base with less than 300 people, you would think everyone would be able to spot a intruder & for the most part know everybody elses names.

        1. Teiwaz Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

          minor characters are wearing costumes with their photo ID apparently stitched into them,

          Only for laundry recognition.

          Moonbase laundry probably has difficulty getting stains out.

          Who'd want to wear a space jumpsuit with someone elses skid marks on...?

          Icon : 'cause I've probably by-passed my good-taste chip again.

        2. I&I

          Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

          In “The Man From UNCLE” (original tv series) the employees at HQ each wore a triangular badge. Some had them pointing upwards, others down. Promotion prospects?

        3. bpfh Bronze badge

          Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

          Apparently not. I was always surprised to see new crew every week. Just like Star Trek though those guys generally wore red shirts and were never seen again...

      2. Clarecats
        Go

        Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

        "wouldn't an individual ID forehead tattoo be far more reliable?"

        At some point you would be mistaken for a can of beautiful soup. Once that happens there's no way back to society.

    3. PPK
      Thumb Up

      Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

      Might I recommend to you "East of Ealing", by the wonderful Robert Rankin:

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Brentford_Trilogy

      In which Satanic forces plot to take over the world, cash is replaced by having a barcode on the hand or forehead (which oddly enough is 6...6...6...), and people are disappeared to be replaced by android doppelgangers. Wonderfully bonkers, but is it also oddly prescient?

    4. jh27

      Re: Poor Reliability.. better idea

      > wouldn't an individual ID forehead tattoo be far more reliable? Doors could just scan us as we walk up.

      Maybe one day, they'll invent a device that can recognise a persons face. Not sure what they'd call it, maybe 'IDFace'?

  5. Kevin Johnston

    Implanted chips

    So will these be built to a universal standard so that when you change jobs your new employer can scan you and add you into their security database?

    Actually I am amazed I could hold off laughing enough to finish typing that

    1. A K Stiles
      Coat

      Re: Implanted chips

      And of course you have to allow for staff members who may not have the requisite appendage into which the chip is specified to be implanted, so do you make all implants be located somewhere like the back of the neck, which makes swiping near the scanner tricky! Never mind the fact that it also gets difficult to double check someone's allowed to be in an area when their id card is embedded under their skin and the picture would be really small!

    2. Wellyboot Silver badge

      Re: Implanted chips

      >>>universal standard<<< If not it could be interesting.

      Newbie - 'Look at his arms, is he a junkie?'

      Oldie - 'No, he's the cleaner, they have dozens of contracts'

    3. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: Implanted chips

      So will these be built to a universal standard so that when you change jobs your new employer can scan you

      I think the current "smart" meter debacle should answer that one for you.

    4. Shadow Systems Silver badge

      Re: Implanted chips

      They might want to specify acceptable implant locations as well. Otherwise I'm putting mine in my arse so I can moon every checkpoint I have to pass. And they wonder why the checkpoint guards keep claiming mental health issues? Muh hahahahahahhha...

    5. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

      Re: So will these be built to a universal standard

      Like National Insurance numbers? (Where there are many quirks).

  6. Mage Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Sadly common

    "Provided consultancy to major newspaper group on how to maximise digital publishing productivity at minimal cost; was ignored; watched helplessly as six-figure sum poured needlessly into incompetent alternative system that inevitably failed; left company to work elsewhere; those who instigated embarrassing disaster received promotion."

    Most projects fail due to bad management.

    1. Semtex451 Silver badge

      Re: Sadly common

      While no one likes a smart arse, I would suggest that employing them is a good idea at least to a recruiter with a logical mind.

      Certainly no part of my salary is for being liked, so I may well use a very similar paragraph on my CV.

      Sadly I would be able to give several examples.

      1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: Sadly common

        While no one likes a smart arse, with or without a embedded chip in it?

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Security is always fun

    All Office keys tagged with Keyfob offering reward for return - Security Fail, Keys now have Company Logo and clearly open the office across from the Car Park they were found in

    RFID cards introduced with a nice employee picture, company Logo as on the front of the building (no the lesson WASN'T learnt), cue strange person wandering through office after finding ID card in the car park.

    1. Mookster

      Re: Security is always fun

      but it's against PCI-DSS to have the access mechanism identify the building..

      1. david bates

        Re: Security is always fun

        Card doesn't. Lanyard does.

  8. Steve Cooper

    Someone at my work recently accidentally opened the office door using their Oyster card - yes the last 8 digits that the door reader uses actually matched a valid office pass!

    1. Fred Dibnah

      Is your office on Mornington Crescent?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Someone at my work recently accidentally opened the office door using their Oyster card - yes the last 8 digits that the door reader uses actually matched a valid office pass!

      Used to work at an access control manufacturer that supported different reader technologies, so I had various test cards. For mag swipe cards, I would use a Tesco loyalty card for example.

      Once at a high profile end user site in London that used bar codes to produce temporary visitor cards. For my bar code tester, I had a piece of card that had a barcode and label from a "Tesco Chicken Sandwich" package. Our customer who I was working with was not pleased to see me using part of my lunch to gain access and bloody nicked it off me. Bastard

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Used to have friends that lived in flats with access control

        tenant had their own keycard which gave them access to front doors plus all doors between there and their flat but not doors to other sections of the building.

        it was soon discovered that a local garage loyalty card (Total TOPS) would open every door in the place as long as no points had been added to the card (no access to individual flats as they used a real key)

      2. Black Betty

        Secure alcove for bank ATMs

        A bank here in Australia put some of it's ATMs (those in high street crime areas?) behind glass doors to prevent muggings of customers making late night withdrawals. In theory the customer was to swipe their bank issued keycard through a reader to open said doors before being able to access the hole in the wall machines. In practice, ANY card with a magstripe would cause the doors to open. Train ticket, hotel keycard, photocopier card, any card at all, didn't matter.

        Result, nicely corralled victims with zero options for escape.

  9. Franco Silver badge

    It'll be fun for anyone who works in a really secure site when they get chipped in the hand. And have to wear RFID blocking gloves when they aren't at work.

    1. Alien8n Silver badge

      Strange you mention that, that's exactly what they're being suggested for as it's being considered for a large multi-national bank to restrict access to "sensitive documents". Sounds like a strange euphemism for "tax dodger's offshore bank account details" to me...

    2. Ozumo

      Does anyone remember Red Dwarf?

      (Lister, brandishing severed hand)

      "I can do better than that, Kryten - I can give you fifteen"

  10. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    Thank you Dabbsy

    You mad fucker..

    This causes him to meow noisily, probably the feline equivalent of "fucking open the fuck up you fucking fucked fucker"

    Highlight of my day so far :)

    I don't actually need a new keyboard, I like mine pebble-dashed with luke-warm porridge.

  11. Alien8n Silver badge

    Hotel cards

    Spent a week in Blackpool during the summer and had to get the door card replaced every single day. Turns out the security sensors at the festival venue I was covering are powerful enough to wipe them just by walking through them. So common, the hotel staff made it a habit to remember anyone going to the festival and automatically asked for the cards to be fixed when they staggered back into the hotel each morning.

    1. GregC

      Re: Hotel cards

      The NEC is the same - we attend an annual exhibition there in the Spring and for the last few years we have had to get our hotel key cards reactivated every evening when we get back.

  12. TheCynic

    oh dear

    ..because nobody has ever had to go for an mri and doesn't potentially want a hole in their appendage where the chip used to be.

  13. Quentin North
    Facepalm

    The chip implant failed...

    Video unavailable

    Watch this video on YouTube. Playback on other websites has been disabled by the video owner.

  14. David Nash Silver badge

    Implanting chips in employees

    Has anyone seriously suggested this?

    1. not.known@this.address Bronze badge
      Big Brother

      Re: Implanting chips in employees

      David, nobody that will admit to it - although I know of at least one company where the Desktop Support Manager looked quite impressed with the idea of being able to chip "his" staff - although he didn't seem so keen when I suggested if it was good enough for us, maybe he should have one too....

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Implanting chips in employees

      Implanting chips in employees

      Futurama?

    3. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Implanting chips in employees

      "Has anyone seriously suggested this?"

      Knowing what management mentality is like I think it highly probably someone has and then struggled with the idea of handing in your pass when you quit.

    4. It's just me

      Re: Implanting chips in employees

      https://www.cnet.com/news/employees-offered-rfid-chip-implants-its-voluntary-for-now/

    5. GBE

      Re: Implanting chips in employees

      Has anyone seriously suggested this?

      Yes. There's a company in Wisconsin, US that's doing it:

      https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/25/technology/microchips-wisconsin-company-employees.html

      IIRC, it's voluntary, and not everybody with a chip got it implanted -- you could get it built in to a ring.

      1. Alistair Dabbs

        Re: Implanting chips in employees

        >> you could get it built in to a ring

        In the hand is painful enough, thank you.

    6. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Implanting chips in employees

      Not at my employer.

      But a fucking EMPLOYEE has put one in his arm and would like us to enable it for the access control system.

      I kid you not. I couldn't fucking believe it either.

      Of course, ain't gonna happen because our security procedures requires other stuff, like everyone wearing a properly-coloured lanyard with their pass visible in it, etc., etc. (you know the drill). On pain of us losing certain accreditations.

      I'm having great difficulty not laughing in his face when he comes and asks for it. I humoured him last time just to avoid that. He didn't get the message. I've explained it all to him, and he still thinks it's a good idea.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Security overdone

    My annual refresher for a "clearance" reminds me of the following:

    1. In general, personal electronics are a no-no: smart watches, fitness trackers, etc.

    2. Any person with an implanted medical device must be given special permission before said person is allowed in restricted/closed areas.

    Surely embedded chips in the interest of "security" would make this a right mess? How could one prove that a chip from another source isn't doing covert things?

    (In my opinion, even having badges with RFID is on the edge of being unacceptable in such areas. I should give up engineering and be a hard-nosed FSO instead; I don't trust anyone or any tech.)

    1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

      Re: Security overdone

      People may not be aware that in general, embedded chips are *dumb*. All they can do is respond - by modulating an RF exciter signal - with a longish number. Basically, beep, 999-123456789 and that's it. Certain variants can store a tiny amount of data - a few bits - and others can be programmed with a complete number (one or more times). Which presents a beautifully simple security hole...

      Also, multiple chips close to each other can be *very* difficult to read reliably, though you can use a handful of exciter frequencies. In practice it's nothing more than tattooing your ID number on your arm.

      1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

        Re: Security overdone

        People may not be aware that in general, embedded chips are *dumb*.

        In general, these things work by picking up a small amount of induced current via their aerial (the coily bit round the outside), doing something with that in the chip in the middle, and re-emiitting the result. They are only limited by the computational limits of what can be achieved with the power induced from the supplied pulse. This certainly doesn't limit them to responding with a fixed response. If they did, your RFID bank card would be trivial to clone.

        1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

          Re: Security overdone

          Mea culpa - I do so much on the full duplex types I forgot the active ones... doh...

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Security overdone

        Dumb 125kHz tag systems are *still* widely used for new installations.

        Any decent electronics engineer could build a device to clone and emulate one (there's a student presentation on the subject from one of the big US universities from about 1996) - or you can buy a device from Amazon/China for about £15 to make copies of 125kHz tags and a pack of "blanks".

        No-one should be using RFID access-systems these days unless they perform a cryptographic challenge/response.

  16. Dr_N Silver badge
    FAIL

    Implanting ourselves with animal tagging tech?

    How very Captain Cyborg. ™®

    And Passé.

    AI face recog is where the real money can be wasted.

    1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: Implanting ourselves with animal tagging tech?

      AI face recog is where the real money can be wasted

      I forsee a boom in dazzle-pattern facial makeup..

  17. disgruntled yank Silver badge

    Sounds like someone

    with a chip on his shoulder.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Sounds like someone

      Sorry for the down vote, but that joke is so bad, and I am feeling a little chippy.......

    2. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Sounds like someone

      Hence the Soft Cell video at the bottom of my column.

  18. tiggity Silver badge

    loose flaps

    We have a basic (non RFID, non magnet etc) cat flap.

    If an interloper cat is deranged enough to enter

    One (or more) of the resident cats will either have their wicked way with the interloper* and / or rip it to shreds.

    .. Not 100% perfect - we did accidentally acquire an extra female cat as alpha male took a shine to her and so other cats were not allowed to hassle her (she became de facto alpha female) and she ended up moving in as she preferred the conditions at our place! .. but at least that system reaches a happy equilibrium.

    1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: loose flaps

      If an interloper cat is deranged enough to enter One (or more) of the resident cats will either have their wicked way with the interloper* and / or rip it to shreds.

      Sadly, our two males are getting too old for this[1]. However, since Junior Female has reached the age of 1, intrusions by strange cats[2] has decreased noticably..

      [1] Senior male cat was never too interested in fighting - he made friends with every cat[2] around and simply couldn't be bothered. Junior male (the ginger of very little brain) saw what bosscat was doing and did likewise. Away from the house however, he was perfectly up for a scrap. But he too is getting a bit old for that.

      [2] We have a neighbour who has a number of cats, including an intact male[3] that she neglected to neuter. Since un-neutered males are the top of the cat social ladder, our neutered males won't stand up to him. However, female cats generally don't worry about male social standing and so our senior and junior female cats[4] are both prepared to shred him whenever they see him.

      [3] Said un-neutered male has decided to become a stray. As I've said before, cats simply won't stay somewhere where they are not happy (or at least, not if given the option to leave).

      [4] Oddly, both black cats. Senior is 7.5kg, junior (being only a year old) is 2.5kg. But still prepared to lay down the law if required.

  19. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

    'One day he'll give up and take a dump on my pillow instead'

    One of our cats (the autistic calico one) will use the usual location of the cat tray whether it's there or not[1]. And (if it's not) will still scrape at the carpet, trying in vain to cover over what she's just.. deposited.

    We tried putting a plastic cover there permanently so that at least the stuff would stay on the plastic until we could clean it up but her claws are sharp enough to penetrate most flexible plastics and so the liquids just ended up seeping through un-noticed.

    [1] Every so often we take it away to give it a good clean[2]. As in 'boiling water with detergent[3]' cleaning, followed by rinsing with lots of fresh water. And, of course, that seems to be the time that her digestive system really, really has to lighten itself..

    [2] Even using good wood-pellet[4] cat litter, the urine smell builds up over time. And she won't use the tray if it smells of anything other than wood-pellet cat litter and cat waste.

    [3] See above. We tried bleach - she refused to use the tray (and we had to replace it). We tried the various things like nilodour that claim to take away smells - she won't use the tray. The above is the only thing that will both clean the tray and ensure that she uses it afterwards.

    [4] Her siblings went o other people - one of whom came cabk to us to say that they wouldn't use the cat trays. We gave them some of the wood pellet cat litter and the cats started to use the tray properly. So that whole brood may be somewhat autistic. Our *hates* change - even moving her favourite bed slightly will mean she won't use it. And, when she wants to go out, she insists on *me* opening the cat door[5] - if my wife tries, the cat won't go out.

    [5] Another of her oddities - she'll come *in* the cat door, but refuses[6] to go out unless I open it for her.

    [6] She did use it of her own accord one - but that was because she was being chased by an interloper male cat. Who was being chased by our dog..

    1. Alister Silver badge

      Re: 'One day he'll give up and take a dump on my pillow instead'

      Blimey! Are you Pterry re-incarnate?

      I've never seen so many footnotes. (No, not even on AFP).

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: 'One day he'll give up and take a dump on my pillow instead'

        I've never seen so many footnotes. (No, not even on AFP).

        One tries. As a former lurker on AFP myself I like to think I'm keeping alive a great tradition..

      2. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

        Re: 'One day he'll give up and take a dump on my pillow instead'

        The briefly seen post office cat in Pterry's "Making Money" comes to mind, whose habits don't take account of objects being displaced. I don't recall this in his "The Unadulterated Cat" so it must refer to a later observation, or, er, it wasn't the cat doing it?

    2. Wellyboot Silver badge

      Re: 'One day he'll give up and take a dump on my pillow instead'

      @CrazyOldCatMan

      +1 for Brilliant use of nesting to the point of incomprehension :)

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: 'One day he'll give up and take a dump on my pillow instead'

        +1 for Brilliant use of nesting to the point of incomprehension :)

        Well, in a former life I was a mainframe assembler programmer - old habits die hard.

    3. David Roberts Silver badge

      Re: 'One day he'll give up and take a dump on my pillow instead'

      @CrazyOldCatMan do what we do. Buy a second litter tray so one can be soaking whilst the other is in use.

  20. Potemkine! Silver badge

    Thank you for this column, it made the boring meeting I was trapped in a little shorter. Even if I had many difficulties to keep myself from having the same reaction as you had with the "date the model..." affirmation.

  21. SVV Silver badge

    For those with sufficiently low dignity that they will consent to being "chipped" like a pet

    I recommend that you still carry an old card with you and appear to wave it over the sensor on the entrance door, even when it's actually detecting the chip in your hand.

    That way, if anyone wishes to gain unauthorised access, they will rob you of the card, rather than your hand.

  22. Random Bits of Carrion
    Big Brother

    Chips are so 20th century

    We have facial recognition, eye evaluation, and multiple other biometric mechanisms. Why would anyone bother with implant of a chip other than secretive covert operation spy (movie stuff) for live satellite tracking.

    Your phone is like an appendage (a dirty filthy appendage) with a chip or 3 already installed. Better yet... you never leave home without it! This is a win for so many... sign at the dotted line.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Chips are so 20th century

      "you never leave home without it"

      I frequently leave home without it. I also frequently go back home leaving it in the car. It's a phone sufficiently dumb not to give rise to addiction.

    2. Pascal Monett Silver badge

      Re: Chips are so 20th century

      We have facial recognition ? That is 100% reliable ? I think not. They are endlessly trying to make it work in airports, but we're not there yet.

      Eye evaluation ? Do you work in a Level 4 bio lab ? Has anyone ever seen those outside of Hollywood films ? In theory they're great. In practice, they're nowhere.

      Multiple other biometric mechanisms ? Really ? Which ones are actually used in your fictional universe ?

      Please do realize that you are taking your documentation from the Science-Fiction section of the library.

    3. itzman

      Re: Chips are so 20th century

      Biometrics are far more easily forged

      I am going for a retinal scan in the hope that something has CHANGED.

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Showing my age, back in my day when someone said management was putting something into an employee it meant the boss and his secretary.

    How times move and management finding new ways to fuck the staff.

  24. Semtex451 Silver badge
    Pint

    @ Dabbsy

    I might have to frame this one.

    Bloody brilliant.

    Thank you.

  25. Daedalus Silver badge

    Everything old is new again

    Regarding Dabbsy's likely preferred location for an implant, I can reveal that decades ago I worked at a company with contactless card readers for entry through the back door, outside of which were other vital facilities. Since the staff were mostly male, and the card reader was at just the right height for a back pocket, the Bum Bump Dance was far and away the most popular way of re-entering hell after a short stay in ablutionist heaven.

  26. Daedalus Silver badge

    Enter at rear

    There's a reddit post from a security tester showing how to beat entry locks.

    1. Find door outside which smokers congregate.

    2. Create suitable incident to get somebody outside (like setting off a car alarm).

    3. Pretending to be talking animatedly on cell phone, wait for door to open and dash inside.

    After that, it's "adopt local color, make like a maint. guy etc." Infallible.

    1. Mookster

      Re: Enter at rear

      Man-traps

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Cheers

    Man I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, and sitting in front of my computer at work didn't help my mood; until I read this, had a great laugh, feeling much better. Cheers Dabsy!

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Oh dear. WAKE UP PEOPLE.

    Nice to see so many people taking the latest threat to our civil liberties by the globalists ever so seriously.

    Refuse these damn things. Or do you want to be tracked like a chipped animal for the rest of your life?

    Perhaps the globalist cabal should get chipped themselves, get their babies vaccinated multiple times, eat genetically modified food and drink fluoridated water every day? Breathe in the same crap and be subjected to the same plastic infested rubbish we end up ingesting.

    Stop experimenting on us, experiment on your 1% useless worthless murdering selves.

    Leave the rest of us 99% alone.

    To those of you sniggering at me - don't bother calling me a tin foil hat conspiracist, stick to being docile sheep. Just as the globalists want you. Keep watching the trash on TV. Consume. Comply. Stay dumb.

    Let the rest of us stay awake to this. Anyone else awake, let's keep up the struggle against this evil.

    1. Pascal Monett Silver badge

      Re: Oh dear. WAKE UP PEOPLE.

      Wow. You'd almost think that chipping employees has become mainstream overnight.

      You need to calm down, your blood pressure is going to kill you before you reach 40.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Oh dear. WAKE UP PEOPLE.

        The whole point is to resist before it reaches critical mass.

        Once it becomes mainstream, it will be much harder to turn it down. You will have a choice of having a job and being chipped, or being unemployed, because you have very few options left unless you have a chip.

        It's the same with smart meters.

        Best to fight it whilst it's a minority feature within employers.

        Otherwise, it will be too late.

    2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Oh dear. WAKE UP PEOPLE.

      @AC, You are Mr Robot and ICM£5

  29. This post has been deleted by its author

  30. hellwig Silver badge

    Forced to Fail

    If you don't fail, how will you ever gain the attention of the higher ups? Your successes are always going to be claimed by your supervisor, failure is all you are left with.

  31. Lorribot

    A new line from Amazon

    Foil gloves anyone?

  32. EVP

    Inflation

    “I've got a revelation for you, beware of the one who's number is six and six and six.“

    Taking per annum inflation into account, the number to be beware of is in order of 1E42.

  33. 89724102172714182892114I7551670349743096734346773478647892349863592355648544996312855148587659264921

    worrying, the prospect of malignant cancer at the site of the implant

    ...upside is buying chemo contactless at Boots will be easier

  34. arachnoid2

    Parse the word

    Chips are just like finger print passwords you can only change them so many times either through lack of options [ten digits] or by continually mutilating the employees to replace the chips. The other problem is a memorised [or not] password isn't open to others just randomly scanning either your chip or the fingerprints so openly left on all objects you touch..

    As for Cats mine consistently attempts to open the fish food and eat it.........and just as consistently regurgitates it up on the carpet

  35. Herby Silver badge

    Cats...

    Have trained us humans to care for them pretty nicely.

    The cat I had before I had the cat flappy door would jump on my bed then wander over to the sliding glass door and await my opening of it. The clawing of the screen door was the signal to be let back in. I was perfectly trained.

  36. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge
    Headmaster

    Choice of implant location?

    under the finger nail, middle finger please.

    ..|.

    1. Olivier2553

      Re: Choice of implant location?

      Earlier this year, I got myself a bad splinter under the nail of the middle finger. At the hospital, they removed the nail to do a proper cleansing. After that, I had 2 months of fun showing my wounded middle finger around.

  37. j2017

    Severed hand?

    There seems to be no mention of the #mafia# or similar removing said hand to gain access to the nuclear bunker.

  38. Robinson

    Oh...

    Alistair, this is brilliant. Thanks for the laugh.

  39. Slx

    I worked for a large organisation which I will not mention, but they had a very sophisticated RFID tag based security system that required you to tap-in as you moved around the campus and there were tag-operated self-opening/closing security gates at all of the perimeter

    It was an extremely comprehensive system that met all of the latest technical requirements for system-security but had one massive flaw; other than these gates, the campus was surrounded by a wall that you could simply step over!!

    1. arachnoid2
      Joke

      Theres always some whistle blower wants to fan the flames because of a minor flaw

  40. Jeffrey Nonken Silver badge

    Doubtless RFID-blocking gloves will become a fashion statement.

  41. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

    Open doors first time with this one trick

    I've said before, I think, that my external experience of these things, mainly in a building that's been demolished so I am not bang up to date, supports a belief that a fixed transmitter has to ping, the portable key bit has to pong, the transaction has to be completed while the ponger is extremely close to the pinger and they don't show you where the pinger is or when it is pinging. So...

    One device - a time clock - required a disc glued to a stripeless card to be held to a particular spot on the clock for 1 full second. So that's what I did, but I glued the disc to my phone and photographed the time clock as well, afterwards, so that I could tell I'd done it - there was nothing to stop me forgetting.

    On another, for doors - same building - I converted the keyring tag thing into a finger ring, by cutting off the rim of a bottle top I think then securely taping that to the tag bit. Then the technique was to walk towards the door while sweeping the ring hand at just the right speed past the pinger so that a ping happened somewhere within range and it unlocked the door, usually, before I walked into it.

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Faulure is extremely valuable

    In political and corporate circles.,

    How many of El Reg's Remoaner readership would be actually pleased if Theresa May had actually delivered on her rhetoric or even the job description

    "Leave Mean Leave."

    "I will reduce immigration."

    Sometimes you need a bloody minded thick skinned lying two face incompetent failure to urinate all over democracy to make sure that your pensions, careers, and profits are safe.

    £39bn buys a LOT of politicians and media tarts.

    1. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

      Re: Faulure is extremely valuable

      If David Cameron had left the EU when the referendum told him to, then by now we could be already applying to get back in.

  43. silks

    Continuous Upgrades

    Can't wait to have a bi-annual chip upgrade inserted into the company Doctor's preferred location...

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