back to article Woman who hooked up with over 15 spectres has found her forever phantom after whirlwind romance and plane sex

If, on the eve of Halloween, your mind has turned to Amethyst Realm, the woman who dated more than 15 ghosts, let us get you up to speed. She has settled down. With another spook. The 30-year-old "spiritual guidance counsellor" from Bristol plans to have a baby with her spectral fiancé, Cornwall Live reported, though how that …

  1. Fading Silver badge
    Coat

    Only 15...

    Intel's spectre count is rapidly catching up....

    (at least I tried to make it IT related)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Not the craziest thing I've heard today...

      My employer are seriously looking into a BYOD solution, just so the contractors can use their own hardware and avoid being ensnared into the latest IR35 shenanigans.

      I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact the IT Director is a contractor.

    2. BillG Silver badge
      Happy

      Ask your Doctor

      So what's a ghost hookup like?... "I feel them though, their weight against me, their touch, the warmth and energy that just sinks into me."

      I feel the exact same thing! But my cardiologist has a different diagnosis.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        but at what point does honest eccentricity become a clear need to be sectioned under the mental health act?

        before or after she batters some innocent person for sleeping with her Ghost?

  2. macjules Silver badge
    Angel

    Ghost in the machine?

    I hope that as and when I shuffle off this mortal coil that I will be doing something more interesting in the afterlife than haunting Miss Amethyst Realm's vibrator.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ghost in the machine?

      i dunno .... it could be worse ...

  3. Lee D Silver badge

    Dear God,

    I'd like to file a bug report...

    1. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

      Dear God,

      As I understand Catholic doctrine, there are no such things as ghosts. Once you're dead you are in Heaven, Hell or Purgatory (if that's still a thing) and not around to go woo-woo on Earth.

      Therefore, if you come into contact with something which represents itself as a spirit of the dead, it's actually a demon sent to tempt you, so you make the sign of the cross and it evaporates.

      Not that I believe a word of it but at least it's a consistent belief system, so this is not a bug report you can file with the Catholic God.

      Abusive nuns and priests, however, different kettle of theological fish. You can report them.

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: Dear God,

        That's OK, the Catholic god isn't the only one to choose from. There are plenty more. Humans have fertile imaginations, especially if there is a buck to be made fleecing other humans.

        1. Steve K Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: Dear God,

          ..and that's the beauty of open-source...

      2. Velv Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Dear God,

        As I understand it, it’s a bit like the old TV game “Call My Bluff”

        You get to the “gates” of the afterlife and there’s a bunch of deities holding brown cards. You pick your chosen deity and hope they don’t turn it over to find the word “Bluff”

        1. jake Silver badge

          Re: Dear God,

          You're thinking about it bassakwards. You don't pick one now, you wait.

          Consider that thanks to the many gods and goddesses that Man has invented^Wdiscovered^Wcome in contact with^W^W^W^Wwhatever, the chances of you actually worshiping THE Gawd/ess that created this dampish rock we live on are slim-to-nil ... I suspect that the god of the OT would be really, really pissed if you are worshiping the God of the NT, if they are, in fact, different $ENTITIES ... and if you do chose one or both of those two, what Kali might have to say when you slip your mortal coil doesn't bear thinking about. Probably better to say "I dunno" now, in life, and beg forgiveness when/if you get to the other side, no?

      3. Evil Auditor Silver badge

        Re: Dear God,

        ...or Purgatory (if that's still a thing)

        Yes it is a thing, and very real for that matter. I used to live there. It is otherwise known as Belgium*.

        * Of course, Belgium isn't that bad at all. In fact, it can be a rather nice and pleasant place. That it turned out to be my personal purgatory has mainly to do with the fact that it is the origin of ex-Ms Evil Auditor.

        1. onefang Silver badge

          Re: Dear God,

          "That it turned out to be my personal purgatory has mainly to do with the fact that it is the origin of ex-Ms Evil Auditor."

          Now I have to ask. Was she more evil or less evil than you like?

          1. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge

            Re: Dear God,

            Considering purgatory is niether here nor there.. I'd say she was possibly heroicly good...

            Striving for balance and all that.

          2. Evil Auditor Silver badge

            Re: Dear God,

            @onefang, it was the toxic combination of two evil that turned the way to hell into a slippery slope downhill.

            @Sgt_Oddball, I like your humour. Even though certainly not pure evil, rest assured she was definitely not heroically good either.

          3. MonkeyCee Silver badge

            Re: Dear God,

            "Now I have to ask. Was she more evil or less evil than you like?"

            Based on my experience, the default alignment is Belgium is chaotic neutral. YMMV

            1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

              Re: Dear God,

              the default alignment is Belgium is chaotic neutral.

              Unless you are on a motorbike. In which case, it turns into chaotic evil.

              Unlike their neighbours on either side (Germany and France) which are both quite careful and respectful of bikes - particularly foreign ones. Switzerland however, is very definately lawful evil towards foreign bikes - particularly ones with UK plates.

          4. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

            Re: Dear God,

            Was she more evil or less evil than you like?

            I suspect the answer would be "differently evil".

            Bit like the differences between senior and junior black cats[1] current resident at my house.

            [1] Unlike senoir male cat - the one that woke us up at 2am by enthusiastically chomping his take-home meal[2] by our bed..

            [2] By the scant remains - a mouse.

        2. Paul Crawford Silver badge

          Re: Dear God,

          I have an ex from Belgium, so I think I know where you are coming from...

          1. BongoJoe Silver badge

            Re: Dear God,

            Goodness, I met my ex in Belgium too: a left-pondian whom gave me mental scars for years afterwards.

            What is it with that place? Is the lashings of free flowing De Koninck which addled our senses?

            Nonetheless, I would love to return there and see out my days in that wonderful, but utterly bonkers, country.

        3. David 132 Silver badge
          Happy

          Re: Dear God,

          Moderators, can we get this comment thread expunged or at least censored, please? I’m no prude, but these frequent, blatant and shameless uses of the word B*lg*um are beyond the pale. There might be small children or elderly dowager aunts reading this, for fuck’s sake.

          1. Allan George Dyer Silver badge
            Trollface

            Re: Dear God,

            @David 132 - Ghent man, GHENT!

        4. dr john

          Re: Dear God,

          This is where purgatory is

          https://www.google.com/maps/place/Purgatory/@51.9087192,-1.35518,13.5z/data=!4m5!3m4!1s0x4876da73c403d64d:0x261dec584da99635!8m2!3d51.9037532!4d-1.3425153

          World's End is nearby too, down the road a bit

          https://www.google.com/maps/place/World's+End,+Newbury+RG20+8SB/@51.4895563,-1.32346,13.25z/data=!4m5!3m4!1s0x4876a53d96aa0e05:0x260eae2ecb827301!8m2!3d51.485418!4d-1.301698

      4. LDS Silver badge

        "You can report them"

        You can also report demons and the like to an exorcist - if you believe in that, that's your bug hunted and pest control... still, I guess it would disapprove hooking up a ghost, especially since "succubi" and "incubi" are demons looking for sex... so, it looks it's an old story. Just, this woman a few century ago would have been burn as a witch. Just those poor women didn't make the money of actual ones...

      5. Ken 16 Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: Dear God,

        but the demons are the only ones that the church will try to drive out

      6. jmch Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Dear God,

        "Once you're dead you are in Heaven, Hell or Purgatory (if that's still a thing).... Not that I believe a word of it but at least it's a consistent belief system "

        Of course there is also the "Mary ascended to heaven with her human body" thing, and if you keep the consistency of belief system, implies that heaven is a physical location somewhere in the Universe.

        1. Toni the terrible
          Holmes

          Re: Dear God,

          or one of the other universes perhaps

      7. Teiwaz Silver badge

        Re: Dear God, I am writing to complain....

        As I understand Catholic doctrine, there are no such things as ghosts. Once you're dead you are in Heaven, Hell or Purgatory (if that's still a thing) and not around to go woo-woo on Earth.

        Still been known to have done exorcisms though....

        Therefore, if you come into contact with something which represents itself as a spirit of the dead, it's actually a demon sent to tempt you, so you make the sign of the cross and it evaporates.

        Now I think you're getting confused with the more puritan variations of protestantism (apart from the crossing yourself thing - I think they advise waving a bible at it).

        Not that I believe a word of it but at least it's a consistent belief system, so this is not a bug report you can file with the Catholic God.

        Consistent? I think you've had too much pumpkin punch...whole thing devised by a committee in Nicea (we all know how things put together by committee end up) then left to stew in political expediency and corruption for a thousand or so years.

        Abusive nuns and priests, however, different kettle of theological fish. You can report them.

        That's only been effective in the last thirty or so years. Think what it was like centuries ago when the Church was a gateway for the really ambitious and power hungry.

      8. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Dear God,

        As I understand Catholic doctrine, there are no such things as ghosts.

        In the original Christian theology[1] there are no ghosts either. Largely (or entirely) because the idea of an immortal soul was something that the later Church added on from pagan theology (along with a literal devil, the trinity and quite a few other things..)

        [1] As in the 1st Century, before people started changing the theology for fun and profit..

      9. onefang Silver badge

        Re: Dear God,

        "As I understand Catholic doctrine, there are no such things as ghosts."

        The father, the son, and the holy ghost might disagree.

        1. Toni the terrible
          Headmaster

          Re: Dear God,

          generally known as the Holy Spirit not Ghost

      10. Scott 53

        Re: Dear God,

        Or you could be Enoch. He's somewhere else.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      >Dear God,

      I'd like to file a bug report...

      -----

      F**k Off, I'm busy

      LT (Aka God)

      1. LDS Silver badge

        Or maybe GodHub had a latency problem between the Heaven main system and the Purgatory backup because a BOFH let a poltergeist in the system.... that's why you should never offshore administration & maintenance to the underworld...

  4. John Mangan

    Part of me is amused . . .

    but part of me thinks it is impolite to laugh at crazy (not a clinical diagnosis) people.

    Even if they do push themselves into the public eye.

    Actually, regarding the public eye thing, how are the programme makers/newspaper editors in any way different from the warders in bedlam?

    1. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

      Re: Part of me is amused . . .

      Yep.

      And, on This Morning next Monday, we'll be talking to an Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte, who will be telling us of his plans to invade Russia. On Tuesday we'll be interviewing Mr Elwood P Dowd and his six-foot tall pet rabbit, Harvey. Then on Wednesday we will be speaking to the widow of an African dictator who has $62 million (SIXTY TWO MILLION US DOLARS) that she is trying to find a safe home for, and on Thursday our guest explains how he can cure cancer over the Internet on receipt of £1000.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    9 months prime matured fanny fart?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      When reading this, I was wondering if I have inadvertently birthed many, many spectral babies along the way. They did occasionally bring me to tears, though not of joy.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        "I have inadvertently birthed many, many spectral babies along the way"

        I had a lot of imaginary and invisible girlfriends, who knows how many imaginary sons and daughters I can have generated... guess most of nerds offspring is this kind....

  6. onefang Silver badge

    I guess it makes joining the Mile High Club a bit easier, if one of the participants can't be seen, and takes up less room in the cramped aircraft loo. You know what they say, the spirit is willing, and the flesh is week at the knees.

  7. wolfetone Silver badge

    At what point does it become your duty to refer people like this to mental health services?

    1. chivo243 Silver badge
      Trollface

      @wolfetone

      At what point does it become your duty to refer the mental health services to a person like this?

      that's better, as I don't want to interact with goofballs. Better to alert the keepers that one of their chargers is wandering aimlessly than try to reason with a goofball...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        (Serious bit)

        At what point does it become your duty to refer the mental health services to a person like this?

        Only at the point where other peoples well being is threatened. I refer you to a wiser mind than mine :

        "The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own good, either physical or moral, is not sufficient warrant..."

        John Stuart Mill

        - now I appreciate that's not how it is in the UK, and we have this nobly corrosive idea that we should somehow save people "from themselves". But to my mind that requires that everybody thinks the same as everybody else. Which is a dangerous path to tread.

        1. ibmalone Silver badge

          Re: (Serious bit)

          - now I appreciate that's not how it is in the UK, and we have this nobly corrosive idea that we should somehow save people "from themselves". But to my mind that requires that everybody thinks the same as everybody else. Which is a dangerous path to tread.

          There's a difficult line. But if somebody is suffering from a temporary psychosis due to drugs or an infection, then maybe stopping them stabbing themselves or jumping off a building while under a delusion is not quite the state oppression you're suggesting.

        2. sisk Silver badge

          Re: (Serious bit)

          now I appreciate that's not how it is in the UK

          I really don't think it's that way in most places. I can name at least a dozen laws here that only protect people from themselves. Drug laws, seat belt and helmet laws, curfew laws (usually anyway - I could see them in places that have had problems with juvenile delinquents), the inability of grocery stores to get liquor licenses and the ban on alcohol sales on Sunday (those two are local to this hyper-religious area and annoying)...The list goes on and on.

          1. Clunking Fist Bronze badge

            Re: (Serious bit)

            "Drug laws, seat belt and helmet laws" are designed to stop you becoming a drain on our socialised health services, as much as protect yourself.

            "curfew laws" most def protect me from you, if you are a noisy vomiting delinquent.

            "the inability of grocery stores to get liquor licenses" is about the protection racket for existing suppliers.

            "the ban on alcohol sales on Sunday" doesn't protect anyone, but does leave those in favour of the ban with a warm feeling inside and a sense of power over others.

            1. sisk Silver badge

              Re: (Serious bit)

              "Drug laws, seat belt and helmet laws" are designed to stop you becoming a drain on our socialised health services, as much as protect yourself.

              If that's the intent then drug laws, at least, fail miserably. The amount of money that gets funneled into fighting the drug war when it might actually accomplish some good going into treatment programs for addicts instead is absolutely staggering.

              As for seat belt and helmet laws, I think it's mostly a wash, at least here in the US. We don't have socialized medicine (though, in my personal opinion, it would be a vast improvement on our incredibly broken health care system even if I were prepared to accept the "socialist=bad always" narrative that's common here, which I'm not). Even if we did paramedics usually respond to traffic accidents whether there's an actual need for them or not on the grounds that figuring out whether they're needed would take minutes that can be the difference between life and death in such situations.

              "curfew laws" most def protect me from you, if you are a noisy vomiting delinquent.

              Which is why I can understand them in places that have significant problems with juvenile delinquents. But the simple fact of the matter is that most juveniles aren't delinquents, and treating them as though they are is a good way to breed teenage rebellion. For the most part in most places the only valid justification for curfew laws on teens is to make sure they get enough sleep for school because some of them (I was one of these back in the 90s) would otherwise be out all night but not necessarily causing problems.

              "the ban on alcohol sales on Sunday" doesn't protect anyone, but does leave those in favour of the ban with a warm feeling inside and a sense of power over others.

              I think those in favor of such bans frame it in their own minds as protecting the souls of us poor sinners who want to drink on the Sabbath. Which is ridiculous both in terms of their own religion (Christ's first miracle was to create wine so that a party could continue after all, and wine is called for in Communion even if most denominations use grape juice instead these days, and even barring that....well, go ask a clergyman what day of the week is the Biblical Sabbath and I think you'll be surprised by the answer) and and on the grounds that not everyone shares it.

          2. LDS Silver badge

            "laws here that only protect people from themselves"

            No, often they also protect others from you. Driving under alcohol or drugs means you have more chances to hurt or kill others (and even when not driving - a lot of violence happens under altered conditions).

            Without seat belts, you become an issue for those sitting in front of you. And if unluckily you don't die, and become just a disabled, other people will need to pay for your therapies and sustenance. I think people who want just want to take full risks to damage themselves, should sign a document asserting they agree no one would ever be compelled to take care of them.

            1. TomG

              Re: "laws here that only protect people from themselves"

              agreed

      2. hammarbtyp Silver badge

        "At what point does it become your duty to refer the mental health services to a person like this?"

        or at least recommend them to Fox and friends as a new presenter

    2. DropBear Silver badge

      Why would you need to? What's the difference between "I can see ghosts" and "I need you to reinstall my Windows, it's getting slow* again"...?

      * completely unsupported by any metric you can possibly think of

      1. jake Silver badge

        The difference?

        Ghosts have never been shown to actually exist. Windows demonstrably slows down when used as intended.

    3. Steve Evans

      I don't think you're allowed to refer them to mental health professionals as that would be oppressing their human rights and stuff etc etc...

      At least this nut-job seems mainly harmless, and there's little chance she will be passing on whatever freaky gene she got dealt to another generation.

      Just sit back, watch, and laugh like the rest of us (in the privacy of your own home of course, you don't want any witnesses to report you).

    4. hplasm Silver badge
      Holmes

      Well-

      "At what point does it become your duty to refer people like this to mental health services?"

      Obviously, when their money runs out and/or they ask for it back and/or the public interest that pays you goes away...

    5. The Nazz Silver badge

      @ wolfetone

      To whom do you refer? The fruitcake Amethyst or the equalLy mad but self serving producers* of "This Morning".

      About time that the Govt gave Crapita £500m per annum to persuade people to not watch television.

      1. jake Silver badge

        "About time that the Govt gave Crapita £500m per annum to persuade people to not watch television."

        Television persuaded me to stop watching television several decades ago.

    6. MonkeyCee Silver badge

      Duty of care

      "At what point does it become your duty to refer people like this to mental health services?"

      When they are a danger to themselves or others, plus whatever your duty of care for the person is. Other than that, people can have whatever fantasies they like.

      If they are a nuisance, then the cops/social services/city guard will deal with them, which might well involving the mental health services.

      It's also entirely possible this is (shock!) a deliberate act, designed to garner some juicy inches and eyeballs, and persuade people to patronise her business. Since I'm not a mental health professional, I can't formally judge, but I'd suspect that she's pretty sane when it comes to all the important things in her life, like money, property, PR etc.

      Now, should the free press be encouraging this? Be it exploiting a delusional woman, or helping her exploit other people's grief by sprinkling some veracity dust on her? "It was in the paper, it must be real"

      I've had to call the authorities enough in my work life. It's a lot less fun than it sounds. In my private life, I'd suggest live and let live.

      I don't like what this woman (probably) is doing, but I don't think she should be sectioned or locked up.

    7. tiggity Silver badge

      Given she described herself as something alone the lines of "spiritual guidance counsellor" (there's a profession that sounds like scammer central if anything like the old fake seance merchants..) I assume it is just to generate publicity / business (& cash, obv) . Doubt its genuine mental health issues (but could be wrong - just v. cynical as "speaking to spirits" practitioners long been a scam to rip off those who have lost loved ones)

  8. jake Silver badge

    One shouldn't point and laugh at ...

    ... the mentally ill. They already have enough on their plate.

    cf. Formosa's Law.

  9. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Facepalm

    As major Winchester of M*A*S*H 4077 said:

    "It is the inalienable right of each and every human to make a fool of themselves in public"

    True words.

    Will she be applying for child support for her spectral child? Doesn't really matter, I suppose, we can afford to spend a lot of invisible spectral banknotes

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: As major Winchester of M*A*S*H 4077 said:

      There is a huge difference between "making a fool out of yourself" and being mentally ill.

  10. Allonymous Coward
    IT Angle

    "Amethyst Realm", really?

    Reality Winner's parents have competition.

    1. Steve Evans

      Re: "Amethyst Realm", really?

      Assuming that was the name she was given by her parents, you can't help but think they are rather responsible for this.

      1. Daedalus Silver badge

        Re: "Amethyst Realm", really?

        I can't help thinking of the "Red Woman", aka Melisandre, and her immaculate conceptions.

    2. DougS Silver badge

      Re: "Amethyst Realm", really?

      Amethyst is actually not a terrible name for a girl, though. I see worse on a weekly basis.

      1. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

        Re: "Amethyst Realm", really?

        Amethyst is actually not a terrible name for a girl

        Ruby, Emerald, Pearl, Amber, Beryl, Coral, Jade, Chrysoprase, Topaz...and Cubic Zirconia of course.

        Strange that Diamond doesn't seem to get used as a name.

        1. jake Silver badge

          Re: "Amethyst Realm", really?

          "Strange that Diamond doesn't seem to get used as a name."

          I dated a girl named Diamond when I was in the Lower Sixth in Yorkshire, and I know two more Diamonds here in Sonoma, California (one is 10 years old, the other is in her 60s). To add to your list, I know a Carnelian, a Turquoise and a Sapphire, several Opals, a Jasper, a Flint and four Crystals. And not to forget, Spinel the English Cocker (all her littermates were named after gemstones).

    3. GruntyMcPugh Silver badge

      Re: "Amethyst Realm", really?

      Amethyst Realm,... Amber Heard, both nutters.

  11. My-Handle

    You want to have a baby with a spectral lover? Fine. Who am I to judge. You do you...

    Oh lord, did I actually just say that?

  12. Daedalus Silver badge

    Spooky Action

    Cytoplasm + Ectoplasm = Excytogasm

  13. Tigra 07 Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    Is it in yet?

    Sex with ghosts? I bet it's crap. Is there lots of wailing? Phantom bumps and banging on the walls?

    Everyone knows ghosts are crap in bed. This woman needs to get herself a poltergeist! She'll be swimming in ectoplasm up to her eyeballs!

  14. Tigra 07 Silver badge
    Coat

    I too have phantom pregnancies quite regularly...Fibre usually helps the "baby" along.

    Mine's the one with the cereal bar in the pocket!

  15. defiler Silver badge

    Dear DHSS

    I'd like to claim child support for my brood of spirit-children. Yes, they're right in front of you. No, you might not be able to see them, but they're totally there and need money for shoes and lunches.

    We'll not be buying the school photo this year. They always turn out crap.

    (No, I don't know if it's the DHSS any more - I tend to deal with the rather more expensive (to me) end of the Treasury...)

    1. tony2heads

      Re: Dear DHSS

      No mam, you need phantom money to pay for phantom child support.

      Here is a bag full of it

    2. Velv Silver badge
      Childcatcher

      Re: Dear DHSS

      More likely is the Child Support Agency (CSA) chasing the father for child support.

      Despite evidence the father doesn’t exist, much less have money to pay said support, the CSA will pick a random amount per week that is due and back date it to the beginning of time.

  16. Chris G Silver badge

    Hynogogia

    Amithyst sounds as though she has a classic incubus syndrome, where she can't separate the hypnogogic semi- waking dreams from reality so she is attributing sleep arousal to spirits'.

    I dislike the way newspapers and morning TV type shows encourage people with these problems to profit from increased views while laughing at them behind their backs, they should at least encourage help for them.

    1. GruntyMcPugh Silver badge

      Re: Hynogogia

      'hypnogogic semi' if she's preggers sounds like the spirit had more than a semi : -)

      Meanwhile, I've suffered from hypnopompic (sleep to wakefulness) paralysis and the associated dreams a few times. The first time, I just had the paralysis, I was awake, but frozen, immobile, then since I've been strangled by a strange dark haired lady, been lacerated by a paper witch, and had an alien abduction experience. What I never had, was the urge to persuade anyone that any of this was real.

    2. Bernard M. Orwell Silver badge

      Re: Hynogogia

      "sounds as though she has a classic incubus syndrome"

      Or possibly schizophrenia; many of her experiences sound similar to the symptoms.

  17. Len Silver badge
    Flame

    "understanding my body"

    My partner is a doctor and she is seething internally whenever a patient comes in and says that they "know their body". It's not unusual for a patient that claims to "know their body" to be three months pregnant or have months of untreated chlamydia and all that time they didn't notice a thing.

    You may live in your body but unless you've studied medicine you know f*ck all about it. I've learned the hard way by discovering that there are a lot of things she *does* know better...

  18. Ima Ballsy
    Trollface

    WTF?

    Has she been tested for STD (spiritual transmitted diseases) ?

  19. Rich 11 Silver badge

    They keep up the charade, trying to one-up each other with faux sincerity

    In my experience, whackaloons with a shared interest will happily regale each other with their latest interpretations and newest ideas even when they are mutually contradictory. I think the ones who've gone off the deep end (or are happily teetering on the cliff edge)* don't question anything which sounds even vaguely supportive in case they might be obliged in turn to question their own beliefs.

    *Pardon the mixed metaphors. It seemed appropriate in the circumstances.

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      In my experience, whackaloons with a shared interest will happily regale each other with their latest interpretations and newest ideas even when they are mutually contradictory.

      I thought those folks were commonly referred to as politicians.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Credit to her

    She's got the marketing nailed down alright.

    Now while we're all here wasting our time (or your employer's) slagging her off she's likely making a fortune with her "consultancy" job.

  21. Boohoo4u

    Someone told her masterbation is a SIN, so she had to get creative...

    I wonder if she gets discounts because her spouse is retired?

    1. lglethal Silver badge
      Joke

      Hey it worked for Saint Teresa!

  22. spold Bronze badge

    She has a queue of people wanting to put the willies up her

    1. onefang Silver badge

      Ghost have a hard time making things hard.

  23. Mr Dogshit Silver badge

    Stop it!

    You're giving me the willies

  24. Evil Auditor Silver badge

    FFS. When you're suffering some flatulence, just fart like the rest of us! No need to turn to the media and public. It's nothing fucking special, your stinky "ghost".

  25. Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse Silver badge

    Maybe...

    Maybe she does believe herself. Maybe she's just another in a long long procession of attention whores.

    Or, my own personal opinion... perhaps she's just a fucking idiot.

    1. onefang Silver badge
      Headmaster

      Re: Maybe...

      "perhaps she's just a fucking idiot."

      To be pedantic, if her ghostly lover doesn't actually exist, that's more wanking than fucking.

  26. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    IT Angle

    I wondered

    what I was doing when I spent a couple of hours dead a few years ago.....

    And why I have no memory of it.....

    1. onefang Silver badge

      Re: I wondered

      "what I was doing when I spent a couple of hours dead a few years ago....."

      Was it for tax reasons?

      "And why I have no memory of it....."

      Your accountant probably thought it was best you didn't know all the details.

  27. Nunyabiznes

    Carpenters have a saying

    "He's half a bubble off plumb."

    She's plumb off her rocker.

    Or, she is quite intelligent and values the money she's getting from the attention more than she values random people's opinion of her sanity. :shrug:

    1. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

      Re: Carpenters have a saying

      or... several olives short of a pizza

  28. Dr_N Silver badge

    Phantom Pregnancy

    Is that what you get when you play about with goulies?

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Seriously ?

    "Orgasms I have with my spirit lovers have been way more satisfying than any I've had with ordinary men."

    I'm sorry girl, but clearly you've been with the wrong sort of men...and obviously they really were "ordinary" which is why you've had such a poor experience.

    I would offer myself to you, but seeing as you believe in all this ghost stuff, I don't really think I can be bothered to meet physically...plus the wife would complain.

    So, let's meet on the celestial plain somewhere in the next 2 minutes and I can ensure 100% satisfaction....

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    There...now, do you want another one...?

  30. Killing Time

    'The 30-year-old "spiritual guidance counsellor" from Bristol plans to have a baby with her spectral fiancé, Cornwall Live reported, though how that will work is anyone's guess.'

    If it's not IVF on the taxpayer then sadly it will probably be some unsuspecting Saturday night 'sperm donor', then child support on the taxpayer and housing on the taxpayer. It's not as if the chosen career is likely to wholly support one person let alone a single parent family.

    Who's the idiot?

  31. sanmigueelbeer Silver badge

    Whatever "medication(s)" she's taking, I want some!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      >Whatever "medication(s)" she's taking, I want some!

      The medications she needs to take, you don't want them.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Kinda jealous... endless hands free orgasms as one part of your mind fucks the other sounds like a fun forever... :3

  33. Hero Protagonist

    “A trip to Wookey Hole“

    Sometimes the jokes just write themselves

    1. Timmy B Silver badge

      Re: “A trip to Wookey Hole“

      Wookey Hole....

      Just up the road from me. It's as sad a place as you can imagine. Every few years we pop over to see if it's any better... Why? I have no idea, it never is.

      1. Mike Pellatt

        Re: “A trip to Wookey Hole“

        And for some bizarre reason, advertised on the A303, which at its nearest point is some 20 miles away.

        1. Timmy B Silver badge

          Re: “A trip to Wookey Hole“

          "And for some bizarre reason, advertised on the A303, which at its nearest point is some 20 miles away."

          Desperate bit to stop people going the far better Fleet Air Arm Museum (which I am actually looking at as I type this).

  34. onefang Silver badge
    Angel

    I'm wondering was that an astral plane loo they used? Buddhic plane, causal plane, divine plane, etheric plane, logoic plane, spiritual plane, or a hyper plane? Perhaps it was one of the 32 planes of Buddhism?

    Asking for a dead friend.

  35. JLV Silver badge

    "You don't scare me, you don't scare me," I said

    To whatever it was floating in the air above my bed

    He knew I'd understand

    He was the ghost of a Texas ladies' man

  36. Shaha Alam

    child1: your mum's so old her fanny's haunted.

    child2: she's having a ghost baby.

    *awkward silence*

  37. Simon Harris Silver badge

    Sex with a ghost.

    Do you experience la petite mort ?

  38. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    “A phantom fling”? That is familiar ... let me think ... yes! Inhave the identity of this ghost lover!

    It can only be The Phantom Flan Flinger.

    1. Simon Harris Silver badge

      Re: Bah!

      The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town.

      1. Stevie Silver badge

        Re: PRBoOLT

        No "fling" context though. I'm sticking with Flanderella's dad.

  39. steviebuk Silver badge

    The only Ghost In the Machine I have

    Is one with my power supply. Have never worked out what causes this issue.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCwPEmu-nsU

    Turn the PC off and a few seconds later it turns itself back on. Automatic restart when power lose is disabled in the bios. If you flick the switch on the back of the PSU off, you still hear it attempt at least once to turn back on, but of course can't.

    Odd.

  40. axemanrj

    An old long winded Cornish Joke

    Theres an old Cornish joke about Jethro, which to cut a long story short a group of people are asked if they'd seen a ghost, hands go up, have they talked to a ghost? a few hands go down, the questions continue until Has anyone made love to a ghost? Only Jethro's hand stays up. The interviewer asks what it was like to make love to a ghost? To which Jethro replies "Ghost? I thought you said goat!"

  41. not.known@this.address Bronze badge
    Devil

    Demons are a ghouls best friend

    You lot are all going to be laughing on the other side of your faces if any of the religions are right, you do realise that don't you?

    Or better yet (or worse, depending on your point of view) - what if that "quantum theory" thing that allows every possible universe to exist in parallel is true? That would mean that not only do some gods exist, but ALL OF THEM do!

    Blasphemy is so much more fun when you have an infinite number of deities to annoy...

  42. GrapeBunch Bronze badge

    Getting there.

    While you're taking the bus to work, she's working the incubus.

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "a niggling suspicion"

    Someone needs to look up where that term came from....

    Can't say it in North America anymore.

    I mean I don't care just letting you know you might have triggered some

    very functional and productive people..................................yeah right.

    1. jake Silver badge

      "Can't say it in North America anymore."

      Oh, bullshit. The word is from the Old Norse hnøggr, meaning stingy.

      Inventing crap like this is part of the problem. Please stop contributing to it.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        I have a stingy suspicion you may be right

  44. Mandoscottie
    Holmes

    Explains the spare sandwich, this morning!

    I have no words, what a fucktard.

    Clearly a sarnie short of a picnic. (goes to hunt down a clip of this morning, gotta see this head-trumpet in action!)

  45. TeeCee Gold badge

    Hint.

    When you're flicking the bean it's you going "Woo Hoo", not a ghost.

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